Tag: Sexuality

Are Pink Bows the Unknown Cause of Homosexuality?

As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I am the Mother of a small human, he is 5, and he is of the boy variety, which is relevant for this post. Although that said he doesn’t yet understand pronouns, and in fact is still mastering when to use them correctly in a sentence, for example there’s a lot of ‘him jumped, or her said’. So I’m not sure how relevant his gender is to his everyday life. He’s also yet to ask many of the big questions we have to navigate as parents, and is still in the phase of acceptance many of us lose as we grow older. 

Who he is when he grows up in terms of gender, sexuality and lifestyle choices matters far less to me than his happiness. I also hope that as well as being happy he is a decent human being. I try as best I can to let him be who he wants to be, even at 5. Right now all he really wants to be is funny, which is pretty cute. He just wants to make everyone laugh. He also wants to be kind to everyone, and gets upset when he sees other people acting unkindly. These are qualities I do not want to quash.

The later half of last week he was a poorly bunny, nothing serious, but he was tired, with a temperature and generally not himself. A small burst of energy had him brushing my hair and bringing me all my colourful, beaded bracelets and necklaces, so he could put them on me. Picking up a necklace he pops it on his head and asks me if that is what it is for. To me he looks utterly adorable, a pink bow just off centre made the whole image even cuter.

Being a Mum in this digital world is great, I was immediately able to capture the moment and share it with family and friends on Facebook. There was also a video complete with him doing a hula dance, which made my day, especially as he was so lethargic up until this point.

When I shared this picture and video on Facebook I never imagined it would prompt a writing for my blog, a blog that is predominantly about kinky stuff, I sometimes touch upon sexuality, but not often, because it really isn’t my forte. A family member made a comment that made my blood boil though, and ranting about it on here is really my best outlet.

The comment in question being ‘Nip that in the bud. Straight away.’ With a thumbs down emoji and then some kisses. The kisses I’m guessing make the whole comment okay! It could be that my uncle just has a hatred for bows, but I know, because I know him and the type of circles he runs in that this is about inciting gayness. To me though this is also telling me to stop allowing my child to be who he is, which is a funny little boy who cares enough to want to make Mummy laugh with a silly dance.

Another reason his comment made me so furious is that this uncle in question has a gay niece (my cousin), who is married to a woman, who is accepted and loved for who she is. I know 100% though, that a male coming out in our family would be ‘a fairy, a queer, bent etc’ and the question would be, ‘How did we make him gay?’ The rage this causes in me is hard to explain and it makes me wonder if this is still a widespread type of thinking?

As a bisexual woman I’ve faced my fair share of stupid comments:

  • You’re just greedy/scared of missing out (So greedy, that’s why my life is one constant orgy, oh wait, no it’s not)
  • When are you going to pick a side (hmmm … How about … never?)
  • Oh so you’re straight again/a lesbian again (depending on gender of my partner)
  • You must prefer one or the other (Must I? Really?)
  • You must love threesomes (Um, I hate to disappoint you but not so much)
  • How can you be trusted not to cheat? (There isn’t a big enough eye roll for this one)

The list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it there. My point is that I get that people make dumb comments about things they don’t understand, but are some people really so ignorant that they still don’t accept that sexuality is just who we are, and not the product of being allowed to wear pink bows as a child? Unless I’m the ignorant one and pink bows really are the route of all things non-hetero.

I have tried to unravel the thought process behind comments like the one that got me angry, and wondering why gay girls are okay and gay dudes not so much, and everything I come up with just makes me more angry. They either invalidate lesbian relationships, or paint gay men as predators with no self-control. 

It makes me sad that views like this are held by people close to me. It makes me even sadder to know that my friends who are transgender, genderfluid, non-binary or anything other than cisgendered would be vilified even more than a gay man would be. That my lifestyle and the people I choose to have in my life would be frowned upon, laughed at or dismissed as somehow immoral.

I didn’t write this to show how enlightened I am, because I’m certain I have a long way to go or to show how great and progressive my parenting is, because it really isn’t. I wrote it because I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that more people aren’t ready to learn about and embrace people who are different to them. I am learning all the time, and the best way to learn is by interacting with awesome people who challenge the way we think and show us new ways to see the world.

While this was prompted by a comment about sexuality, my thoughts on the matter reflect how I feel about most differences that we can have with other people. Which on many occassions has led to be being called a ‘free loving liberal hippy’, I am certain this is meant to be an insult, but I’m still trying to figure out why.  Better a free loving liberal hippy than an ignorant bigot.

 

Weekend Round-Up: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words. What an unfortunate title for a blog post in which I use my words. Bear with me though, somehow, despite the fact I am writing after only 3 hours sleep, I will have a point. I hope!

It’s not often I do a round-up of my weekends. Despite the fact that recently they have been pretty full on. Unless you are actively there though the accounts of them would end up becoming a little repetitive, and that is no fun for a blog. This weekend though the fun we’ve had feels very reflective of the ethos of the podcast, and I really wanted to share with everyone that we really do practice what we preach.

In nearly every episode of #ProudToBeKinky that we have released we have made one or both of the following points; 1. Go to a munch, 2. Go to fetish events. Yes there is normally more to those points, like, go to a munch if you want to make kinky friends, and try and go to the bigger fetish events with someone, and we try our very best to offer information that will make doing those things seem a lot less daunting.

I often worry though that you guys sat at home listening to us might be thinking, ‘well that’s easy for you to say, you have each other’, and in part you’d be right. Making friends as a duo is not without its difficulties though. It’s also worth bearing in mind that both myself and Bakji joined the kink community as singletons and met each other on the scene, through our awesome kinky friends that we met at our local munch. So we did indeed make those first few steps all alone.

It was as a couple though that we started going to London for events, which takes us anywhere from 2 hours to 4 hours depending on which motorways they’ve randomly decided to close. By the way, thanks a lot M3 for yesterday’s diversions! They were an absolute joy! The reason we persist with the travel, is because we wanted to meet more awesome people and experience a wider variety of events.

There were many events that we went to where we spoke to no-one new. We enjoy each other’s company, and we can easily entertain each other with conversation and play. Which means we didn’t always push ourselves as much as we could have done to make friends. Perhaps by virtue of the podcast though we finally made those vital next steps in making new friends, which is actually much harder than it sounds. So we absolutely appreciate that these things are not easy.

Last night though we went to a brilliant event, SlapStick Club, (you can find out more about this event in Episode 23 of #ProudToBeKinky) and we had people we knew to say hello to, and very lovely people they are too and in June we are heading to an event in Brighton with another couple of friends who we met at a totally different event in Kent. It has taken us time, a year in fact, but we are now getting to enjoy events with people who we can chat to, exchange ideas with, maybe do a little bit of rope with and generally have a really brilliant time.

Friendships take time to build, and you need to invest in them as much as you do any other relationship, but it’s so much fun getting to know people and starting new adventures with awesome people joining you along the way.

So next time you’re listening to the podcast and we are saying for the millionth time to get to a munch or fetish event, remember our actions support our message and we only bang on about it so much because we just want everyone who is listening to us to have the kind of people in their life that will make it truly amazing.

Episode #27: Swinging, Prostates & Bisexuality with Cooper S. Becket

Swinging is our focus this week, as we are joined by Author Cooper S. Beckett. He has written three books ‘A Life Less Monogamous’, ‘Life on the Swingset’ and ‘Approaching the Swingularity’. When we have an author on the show we always attempt to read as much of their work as possible, once again we were blown away by how much we enjoyed Cooper’s writing.

There is often a lot of me, us, them amongst the varying subsets of alternative lifestyles. BDSM lifestylers aren’t always swingers, swingers aren’t always polyamorous and polyamorous folk may neither swing or be kinky. Some people however might be all three. Part of why I loved chatting with Cooper is that he wants us all to pull together. People outside of all three of those groups are likely to be judging us, and not kindly. The last thing we need is to be turning on each other as well.

Myself and Bakji are not swingers. We are non-monogamous kinksters who have been fascinated only by each other for a fair while now. Swinging wasn’t really something either of us had ever really considered ‘our thing’. However after reading Cooper’s books and chatting to him, we are actually talking about the fact that this could be fun for us. At the end of the day we love making new friends, we enjoy being sexy and perhaps we could learn more about a lifestyle that could be great for some of our listeners.

In this episode we talk about who might benefit from opening their relationship and what things you should be considering before, during and after opening up. We also talk about jealousy and what it can mean for us when that feeling is present and what we can do to work through that with our partner/s.

If you’re new to non-monogamy as a concept it can be easy to box up each subsection of it and see them as completely different entities, however as we talk to Cooper we discuss they notion of it being more a spectrum that you can move back and forth along depending on the types of people you meet and relationships you engage in.

As the social and interpersonal podcast we are always wondering what is it about each episode that might encourage or help people get themselves out and about and making like minded friends, and/or partner/s. While we don’t yet have all the advice on swinging we will do our best to help you find the answers should you be interested in getting your swing on.

You can also check out Cooper’s Podcast ‘Life on the Swingset’ for more information. On the subject of other podcasts, we are now part of the podcast network Podcast Jukebox, with our sister podcasts ‘Off The Cuffs: a kink and BDSM Podcast’, the ‘Will Sean Podcast’ and ‘Parking Lot Radio’. Please do give them all a listen. After you’ve listened to us though, we want to be your favourite.

All feedback is welcomed, as are questions relating to the podcast or about kink in general. You can email us via hello@proudtobekinky.com, or you can get in touch through any of our social media accounts, Instagram, Twitter and Fetlife. You can also support us on Patreon, which will enable us to grow the podcast and reach more curious kinksters and help them get their kink on.

You can listen to us on iTunes, acast, soundcloud, stitcher and most other podcast apps. If you have any problems find us then please do get in touch. You can also find out more about the beginnings of the podcast here, which also includes links to listening platforms and our social media accounts.

Reddit Inspired: Munches … Why Do We Go?

I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.

This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:

Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.

Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone  in non-scene  life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’

His reply was priceless:

‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’

Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.

On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:

  1. What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
  2. If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
  3. What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?

Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.

I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.

That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.  

The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.

Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:

  • That we should engage in them with consensual adults
  • That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
  • That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them

If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.

If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.

When Normal Supports The Unconventional

As I mentioned briefly in my last blog post, myself and Bakji are a few months off having been intimately involved for 2 years. I must admit when we first started spending time together I didn’t envisage us being involved for much more than a few months. Not because I wasn’t into him, I really, really was. However, I was in strange place with relationships generally and his views were staunch and well publicised each time we met, I honestly felt that at some point our needs would be too different to continue. Here we are though, not a couple of months, but a couple of years later, I sometimes wonder how exactly have we made it this far.

We had a somewhat awkward moment last weekend though, that made me realise how important some things we do together are to me, and how they have helped things grow between us.

I will give brief version of the awkward scenario, just for giggles, before I move on to my main points. There we were, house sitting for my Dad & his girlfriend, about 30 minutes after the end of a pretty intense scene. Kinky stuff all over the place, both half naked, mid-way through getting dressed, when there’s a noise at the door. My dad, who has never once returned early from these trips, is indeed early, by about 4 hours. Cue me answering the door in my leggings and bra, trying to explain why they can’t come into their own house.

‘There’s stuff everywhere’ I say, emphasising the word stuff, praying my dad will get that I mean my weird stuff. But no …

‘We don’t care about that’ he says looking perplexed.

Without another thought i just blurt out ‘Bakji’s naked’.

Which actually works, they realise what they’ve stumbled into and go off for a coffee while we gather ourselves together. Like teenagers who’ve just been caught ‘doing it’, we hurriedly hid all our kinky wares, including removing some very kinky looking shiny black palette wrap from a gym bench. I did however have to explain why I had a gym bench in my car at a later point! Then once that was all done, Bakji headed back to his, I headed off to pick my son up from his Dad’s, and just like that normal life took over.

That evening I felt at a bit of a loss, I always miss Bakji when we’re apart, but saying proper goodbyes and receiving as many hugs as possible before parting make the pangs of missing him much easier. I realised then how important some of our ‘normal’ is facilitating what is a fairly unconventional relationship in some people’s views.

As I’ve touched upon before, and is probably obvious from above we don’t live together, and neither of us have any intentions of doing so in the future. There are a few other things we don’t do that I always considered not only normal for relationships, but things you had to do to validate your relationship, such as:

  • We don’t see each other every day
  • We don’t do family events together
  • It took a long time for the words ‘relationship’ & ‘couple’ to come into play
  • We still don’t use girlfriend/boyfriend
  • Though not currently actively poly, we’re not monogamous either, though that is less of a factor for me than it is for Bakji

I am very open with everyone I know about my life. So all my friends and family know I have a Bakji in my life, and it takes about one mention of him for them to realise what kind of relationship we have. So when I then start explaining the finer details they tend to get very confused. They don’t understand how I can be happy with what they see as deficiencies, purely because they would seek more time or need more clarity in their own personal relationships.

What I have come to realise in my time with Bakji though is that having the things I need to have, is far more important to me than having the things people think I should have. I don’t need a live in partner or someone to wear the boyfriend label, what I want is someone who makes me happy and will go on adventures with me, I want to be passionate about them and I want more than anything to be a positive presence in their life.

I never really thought about why I’m happy doing things the way we do though, especially as it is so different to how I’ve done things before. I think what it boils down to though, is the things we do that support our relationship and help it grow, they keep me from needing to ask for those more conventional things out of fear or insecurity. Not that I’m saying that’s why other people do those things, but in my current situation I think it’s an accurate reflection for me.

I’m also not trying to claim I’m never insecure either, but that is probably a blog post for another day. However on the whole, I’m secure enough to be happy in what we have. But this weekend has definitely shown me that without the positive things we do to reinforce what we have, things would probably be very different.

I don’t find physical affection that natural to engage in, Bakji however is the exact opposite, and I’ve recently realised just how much I need the hugs and the physical closeness, when those things are absent, even if I’ve spent the whole day with Bakji, I miss him terribly, in a way that starts to feel unmanageable because it will manifest into other more unwelcome feelings. So I’m grateful that he is always ready to ply me with hugs and kisses, and that I am I hope getting better at initiating these things myself.

I’ve also become quite fond of our daily messages, and our good mornings and goodnights. This isn’t something we sat down and decided we should do, it just seems to have evolved organically. That daily contact though, makes me feel connected to him in a way I wouldn’t if we just caught up on things at the weekend. I like hearing about his day, and telling him about mine.

I never really thought about those little things before and about what they meant to me. How important those normal everyday actions are in supporting us navigate our slightly less conventional relationship, and I’m so grateful for all those little things.

Hard Limits, Forgetfulness & Forgiveness

I read a post today on reddit about hard limits and it got me thinking. A brief paraphrased version of the post would go something like:

‘My Dom has forgotten my hard limits on multiple occasions. I believe he genuinely did forget, but I’m struggling to submit to him now that trust has been broken. Can a D/s relationship ever recover from this.’

The hard limits provided within this post were face slapping, urination, blood and knife play. Before I had read which limits had been forgotten, my initial reactions were:

  • That face slapping can be quite an impulsive reaction
  • Whereas something like knife play is surely pre-meditated
  • That once is a mistake, but twice? Hmmm … Not so sure
  • That if you need to ask if you can recover from this kind of thing, you probably can’t.

My personal hard limits are few and pretty standard, but nearly all of which would need to be pre-planned to violate them. For example, I have a hard limit of coffins being involved in my play. So if Bakji was suddenly to turn up with a coffin to pop me in, I would know he had purposely planned it. There aren’t many limits I have that I think he would be able to just ‘forget’.

However, if he did happen to slip up with my limits. Say for example there was a coffin at a Fetish Club, and he bent me over it for a spanking without thinking. I know it would be something we could get past. We have been involved together in an intimate manner for almost 2 years now. I don’t just trust him a bit, I trust him wholeheartedly. Physically and emotionally, and I know he would never intentionally do me harm or upset me. So any mistake made, would be just that, a genuine mistake.

I also know if he ever did make this kind of mistake, he’d be mortified and apologetic. As I would be if I ever made this kind of error while Topping him. I would bend over backwards to make things okay for him again, and if it took time to win his trust back I most definitely would give him all the time it took. At the end of the day, looking after each other and making sure we are in the right frame of mind for our kinky activities is paramount.

In the particular post that prompted this writing, there seemed to be some frustration on the part of the Dominant that the sub was struggling with trust issues now, and couldn’t find it in herself to submit in the way she had been doing. This to me was more of a red flag than initial mistake. We are all human, and mistakes are made, but surely how we respond to our errors is the mark of who we are.

Some mistakes are obviously harder to forgive than others, for whatever reason sometimes we just can’t get past things. For me though how someone owns their shit is far more telling than the error they made. Can you own up, apologise and make the required efforts to make amends? If so then that is what matters to me, more so than someone being a flawless human who is error free.

That said, Bakji’s hard limits are pretty much etched into my brain. As are the things he’s really into, and the things he enjoys on certain occasions. I cannot imagine forgetting any of these things, even when I’m in the heady throes of Topspace, I am so focused on him, his enjoyment or discomfort depending on the type of play we are engaging in, forgetting seems just impossible.

As they say though, pride comes before a fall, so I will  not be so arrogant as to say it will never happen. I shall instead endeavour to always remember all the things he loves the most, and ply him with those, and commit to memory all the limits hard and soft, so all our encounters are to the best of my ability as enjoyable for us both as they can possibly be.

Can The Real Kink Shady Please Stand Up?

When you first join you local BDSM scene it can be easy to assume that everyone will be really self-assured, have all the experience under their belt and have all the answers they need to lead a problem free kinky life. The chances are that all those assumptions will be incorrect for almost everyone on the scene, and the people who do put themselves in that category are most likely lying, at a bare minimum to themselves, but the chances are to everyone else as well.

With that in mind, I understand how easy it can be to embellish your own level of experience. If I could stop people doing one thing in their first few months on the scene it would be this. If you identify as a Top/Dominant, but have never spanked anyone, then say so. It’s okay to know you have things you’d like to learn. Pretending you know things you don’t is most importantly really dangerous, but also makes you look a bit questionable when we figure out you lied.

Most of the time the reason people aren’t entirely honest is nerves, we all want to be welcomed, accepted and liked and it can be really easy to get carried away in saying what we think are the right things. Some people are dishonest though for less honourable reasons, and those people are usually not safe people to have on the BDSM scene. So we do need to be aware of them and wary of them in some cases.

Quite often though people start to misrepresent themselves long before they get to an actual munch. Let’s move on to the joyful things people say on Fetlife. Now the ways in which people misrepresent themselves on Fetlife is vast and would probably cover more blog posts than I’m willing to commit to it. One way in particular though is what prompted me to write this post.

**From this point on I’m using Cisgendered, Hetereosexual normatives. Purely because the situations below have always involved Cisgendered Heterosexual guys when I’ve seen them. But I’m aware that everyone can be a douche regardless of gender or sexuality. I also know wonderful CisHet guys who have never done this!

So for arguments sake, let’s give some details of a profile I’ve made up in my very own brain. MrHotCock99, who states that he’s 18 and male. He’s got very little activity on Fetlife, mostly just adding females of a certain age. He will then more often than not post in one of the groups that advertise local events, or maybe personal ads for that area and here is where he will tell one (a few varieties exist) of the weirdest lies ever! Why are they weird? Because they are so obviously lies.

‘I have been in the community for a few years’ says MrHotCock99 ‘but have only just joined Fetlife.’ So you’ve been in the BDSM community since before it was even legal for you to be there? Guess what? You really haven’t. No community I have yet come across would allow this to happen.

‘I’m MrHotCock99 an Experienced Dom with 10 years experience.’ I’m sorry, what now? You’ve been a Dom since you were 8? FYI MrHotCock99 Domming your teddies doesn’t count.

When referring to a specific munch/community, ‘Been away from the scene for a bit, but back now and going to be attending the munch again’ This doesn’t work when people on the local scene have been on it consistently for many, many years and confirm they’ve never seen you at a munch. Let alone as an active participant in the local community.

As an aside, these people almost never actually turn up to a munch. Which is why their comments ring so many alarms bells. It’s as if they are trying to make themselves appear safe and knowledgeable in the hopes of catching the attention of someone new before they actually make it to a munch and find friends, or a decent, honest partner. Then there are the people seem to think saying these things will make them seem more credible for when they do come to a munch. It really doesn’t though. It just makes us think they’re really shady characters.

Here’s the best bit about many BDSM communities though, they’re small. Yes, some of the larger cities, like London, have lots of munches. But most towns, just have the one munch, and people talk, they talk a lot. Especially when it comes to keeping each other safe. Many of us form deep long lasting friendships with people we meet on the scene, and as such have things like each other’s phone numbers. When those douchey messages appear on Fetlife it usually doesn’t take long before we are alerting each other.

The strangest thing about all this, is if people were just up front it wouldn’t matter and would probably help their chances of getting what they want. If you’re looking for one night stands or casual sex, then say so, some girls on Fet are after those things. Don’t pretend you’re a longstanding part of the BDSM furniture though to try and make that happen with someone who isn’t into it. No one deserves to be hoodwinked in that way.

Just be honest. From beginning to end. It is by far the best policy, in most of life but so much more so in the BDSM community. We can only play safe, and responsibly if we know exactly who and what we are dealing with. No one deserves to go into a scene with someone thinking they have experience of something, to find out the hard way they didn’t actually have a clue.

Every single person currently active on the scene was new at one point, so we get it, we really do. We can offer better support and a more honest friendship though if we know the real you, not the blagger you. It’s also never too late to admit you were wrong, so if you’re reading this wishing you hadn’t told your entire munch you were British Caning Champion in 1982, when in fact you’ve never used a cane, speak up, learn something new and probably get a pat on the back for being honest.

Whoever you are. Whatever your kinks. Own it. Be you. It’s by far the best way to find like minded friends.