Tag: Sexuality

Can The Real Kink Shady Please Stand Up?

When you first join you local BDSM scene it can be easy to assume that everyone will be really self-assured, have all the experience under their belt and have all the answers they need to lead a problem free kinky life. The chances are that all those assumptions will be incorrect for almost everyone on the scene, and the people who do put themselves in that category are most likely lying, at a bare minimum to themselves, but the chances are to everyone else as well.

With that in mind, I understand how easy it can be to embellish your own level of experience. If I could stop people doing one thing in their first few months on the scene it would be this. If you identify as a Top/Dominant, but have never spanked anyone, then say so. It’s okay to know you have things you’d like to learn. Pretending you know things you don’t is most importantly really dangerous, but also makes you look a bit questionable when we figure out you lied.

Most of the time the reason people aren’t entirely honest is nerves, we all want to be welcomed, accepted and liked and it can be really easy to get carried away in saying what we think are the right things. Some people are dishonest though for less honourable reasons, and those people are usually not safe people to have on the BDSM scene. So we do need to be aware of them and wary of them in some cases.

Quite often though people start to misrepresent themselves long before they get to an actual munch. Let’s move on to the joyful things people say on Fetlife. Now the ways in which people misrepresent themselves on Fetlife is vast and would probably cover more blog posts than I’m willing to commit to it. One way in particular though is what prompted me to write this post.

**From this point on I’m using Cisgendered, Hetereosexual normatives. Purely because the situations below have always involved Cisgendered Heterosexual guys when I’ve seen them. But I’m aware that everyone can be a douche regardless of gender or sexuality. I also know wonderful CisHet guys who have never done this!

So for arguments sake, let’s give some details of a profile I’ve made up in my very own brain. MrHotCock99, who states that he’s 18 and male. He’s got very little activity on Fetlife, mostly just adding females of a certain age. He will then more often than not post in one of the groups that advertise local events, or maybe personal ads for that area and here is where he will tell one (a few varieties exist) of the weirdest lies ever! Why are they weird? Because they are so obviously lies.

‘I have been in the community for a few years’ says MrHotCock99 ‘but have only just joined Fetlife.’ So you’ve been in the BDSM community since before it was even legal for you to be there? Guess what? You really haven’t. No community I have yet come across would allow this to happen.

‘I’m MrHotCock99 an Experienced Dom with 10 years experience.’ I’m sorry, what now? You’ve been a Dom since you were 8? FYI MrHotCock99 Domming your teddies doesn’t count.

When referring to a specific munch/community, ‘Been away from the scene for a bit, but back now and going to be attending the munch again’ This doesn’t work when people on the local scene have been on it consistently for many, many years and confirm they’ve never seen you at a munch. Let alone as an active participant in the local community.

As an aside, these people almost never actually turn up to a munch. Which is why their comments ring so many alarms bells. It’s as if they are trying to make themselves appear safe and knowledgeable in the hopes of catching the attention of someone new before they actually make it to a munch and find friends, or a decent, honest partner. Then there are the people seem to think saying these things will make them seem more credible for when they do come to a munch. It really doesn’t though. It just makes us think they’re really shady characters.

Here’s the best bit about many BDSM communities though, they’re small. Yes, some of the larger cities, like London, have lots of munches. But most towns, just have the one munch, and people talk, they talk a lot. Especially when it comes to keeping each other safe. Many of us form deep long lasting friendships with people we meet on the scene, and as such have things like each other’s phone numbers. When those douchey messages appear on Fetlife it usually doesn’t take long before we are alerting each other.

The strangest thing about all this, is if people were just up front it wouldn’t matter and would probably help their chances of getting what they want. If you’re looking for one night stands or casual sex, then say so, some girls on Fet are after those things. Don’t pretend you’re a longstanding part of the BDSM furniture though to try and make that happen with someone who isn’t into it. No one deserves to be hoodwinked in that way.

Just be honest. From beginning to end. It is by far the best policy, in most of life but so much more so in the BDSM community. We can only play safe, and responsibly if we know exactly who and what we are dealing with. No one deserves to go into a scene with someone thinking they have experience of something, to find out the hard way they didn’t actually have a clue.

Every single person currently active on the scene was new at one point, so we get it, we really do. We can offer better support and a more honest friendship though if we know the real you, not the blagger you. It’s also never too late to admit you were wrong, so if you’re reading this wishing you hadn’t told your entire munch you were British Caning Champion in 1982, when in fact you’ve never used a cane, speak up, learn something new and probably get a pat on the back for being honest.

Whoever you are. Whatever your kinks. Own it. Be you. It’s by far the best way to find like minded friends.

Poly Ramblings From a Maybe Mono Mind

When I started this blog, I had a very specific reason for doing so. A reason that I have quietly shied away from, which has been easy because there are so many other things to discuss that are far more comfortable for me to open up about. Initially a big part of the blog was meant to be about polyamory, and more precisely the transition from being a monogamous person into someone who was more open to other relationship styles.

I wanted to do this because out of all the things I have encountered since joining the BDSM community, this particular change is the hardest for me. Now I’m probably making it sound like I am doing all of the poly living. I’m really not, I’ve done a lot less of it than I imagined I would. What I have done though is lots of thinking, reading, listening, worrying and  contemplating and I’m not sure any of that has got me any further along.

Continue reading “Poly Ramblings From a Maybe Mono Mind”

Reader Q&A: How Do I Find a Partner to Push my Limits?

Every now and again via one medium or another that I regularly frequent, I will have some ask me for advice. First off I am touched that they think I seem like I have enough knowledge or experience to assist them, and second of all, I really can only offer my own personal perspective on any situation. So while I am more than happy to offer my advice to anyone who pops up in my inbox, please bear in mind that when I have my own problems I have to go elsewhere for advice, so unfortunately I don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to.

Today’s question, which I am going to paraphrase, is: How can I find a Dom/sub who will push my limits and take me into new realms of BDSM explorations?

Let’s deal with some definitions first, for anyone reading and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Limits equate to, what someone will not do (Hard Limit), what someone is hesitant to do (Soft Limit). If you are playing with someone who is safe and respectful these will be adhered to at all times. If you are currently playing with someone and they are ignoring your limits then please stop playing with them.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. When searching for the elusive Dom/sub for you, you might need to be very patient. When you take into account that only a small portion of the population are into BDSM. Then factor in the fact that when you get to the scene many of them may be in relationships or not actively seeking a partner for other reasons. Out of the small amount of people that are left that could possibly be a match for you, not only do you need to have interests that align but you also need to have some attraction and chemistry between the two of you.

Say all those conditions play to your advantage though, and you meet someone who you fancy the pants off and they feel the same about you, so you’ve talked a lot and you’ve discovered you have similar kinks and fetishes. If in that instance your thinking ‘Brilliant! Let the limit pushing commence’, you may be disappointed.

People have limits for a reason and those reasons are vast and varied. Some of the reasons may be similar to these:

  • They have no knowledge of that particular kink
  • They are simply not aroused by it
  • It may be a trigger for them
  • They might think it’s ‘icky’, the squick factor should not be underestimated.
  • They may have had a poor experience with it in the past

When you think about the reasons people have their limits, the idea of then pushing them past those limits becomes tricky. They have to be 100% receptive to wanting that limit pushed, and if you are a sub wanting a Dom to push your limits, they need to be willing to tread waters that could get a bit murky.

That’s not to say many of us don’t push our limits willingly, or find our limits have shifted as our relationships have developed. We definitely do, I think most people involved in BDSM for any length of time find themselves enjoying something they once thought wasn’t for them.

If however you have something you really want to explore, and just cannot wait to do so and you can’t envisage ever meeting anyone who will engage in your particular kink with you, then Pro-Dommes may well be your answer. By no means am I saying that this is the answer for everyone. However, I do think Pro-Dommes offer a really valuable service to the BDSM community. Not that this is necessarily an easy win. You still need to find someone you gel with, and who offers the type of Domination you require. It may well be a speedier path to self-discovery than waiting until you meet someone at a munch for example.

I also think it’s important to know why you want your particular limits pushed, in what way you want them pushed and if it’s even possible. Just because we’d like to do something, doesn’t mean we can. Sometimes there are physical and/or emotional barriers to exploring a particular kink that shouldn’t be ignored or pushed past. Even if that isn’t the case for you, it may be case for someone you’re playing with so it is always worth bearing in mind.

Myself and Bakji have been playing together for a little over 18 months, neither of us have handed the other a list of limits that we want pushed and felt like play wasn’t worthwhile if that wasn’t happening. What we have done though is spoken openly and honestly about what we really enjoy, what we’re not that into and what our limits are. As time has gone on and our trust in each other has built, the kinks and fetishes that are available to us enjoy have definitely expanded.

For example when we first started playing together any play involving feet wasn’t really on my radar, however since I began Topping using my feet as part of our scenes is quickly becoming one of my favourite things to do. However, that is very specific to Bakji. I’ve never really liked my feet being touched, for personal reasons I won’t bore you with. So while limits can change, like many things in BDSM they are fluid, and they can be put back in place at any given point.

It’s also worth noting that just because you’ve seen someone indulging in a manner of play with someone else, and then if they choose to play with you that specific act is cited as a limit, that is totally acceptable and not at all uncommon. It comes back to the gaining of trust. That other person might have spent weeks, maybe months working on that particular kink or scene with someone. Nobody gets to come along and demand or expect that same level of play or interaction until they too have put in the required time into that person.

I think the biggest factor in what has made me reconsider what limits I have with Bakji is the fact he has invested in me as a person. So I know that even if one of my hard limits was one of his favourite things, while he might be disappointed it would absolutely be okay, and we would focus on all the other things we both enjoy.

So in summary, my top tips for finding someone to push your limits are:

  • Be patient
  • Build trust
  • Be honest & open (with yourself & your partner)
  • Invest in you partner (remember they are a person, not a Fetish Delivery Service)
  • Give as much as you take
  • Start small. Some things are easier to tackle than others.

 

Licentious Labels & Being a Kinky Nomad!

Before I start I want to be really clear that this piece is very much a personal reflection, it really is all about me and not for one minute how I expect anyone else to approach the subject. I do however love hearing about other people kink evolution, so please do share any thoughts you have on the subject matter.  

In my previous post ‘Debauched Dynamics & Letting Go of Labels’, I spoke briefly on how I sometimes have trouble adopting and using labels to identify my sexual or kink orientation. I then shared some thoughts on my Switch identity in ‘Let’s Talk About – Communication’.

One of the reasons I feel less inclined to adopt one particular label in terms of kink, is the feeling that one label doesn’t quite say it all. Yet some of the broader labels, don’t feel quite focused enough. So basically labels can’t win with me.

While I am a big fan of the idea that we shouldn’t need labels to traverse either non-kink or kink life, I appreciate that for many people they play an important part in their identity, and in identifying potential play partners when it comes to kink labels. So I am by no means belittling their use, I’ve just always struggled to own and feel comfortable with my own labels.

However, as I discover more about my kinky self, it becomes easier to see how well some label fit me and why I possibly never quite felt comfortable with others. I think my subconscious was always working against me when I was trying to fall in line with a state of being that wasn’t quite true to my full nature.

Anyway it’s time to massively contradict myself and have everyone wondering if in fact I actually love labels and my main issue is just that I can’t wear all my hats at once so to speak. Time to discuss what roles I do identify with and a little bit about why.

Switch

This is relatively new for me, I’ve always known there was a small part of me that would enjoy Topping, but I always thought it was such a tiny part of me that it was almost insignificant. I also saw it as more of a Service Top element, so I could do it if I was asked to, but the pleasure would be in offering that service not the Topping itself. As you might have read though, in my post ‘The Joy of Topping’, that is absolutely not the case. I both sides of the D/s slash with equal fervour. Currently I’m on a run of Topping and I think Bakji might have to wrestle me to take the Toppy reigns back. Partly because there’s just no fun  in giving in easily. I now wonder if part of the reason I discard my submissive role so easily was because I knew at some point it wouldn’t be a good fit.

Kinkster

I think this is a pretty accurate summary of my general kink personality, I love D/s but I’m not hardcore in protocol, I love Latex in a fetishy way but I’m probably not yet at the level of some fetishists, I’m into pain play but it’s not my primary love. So I think my wide ranging interests make Kinkster a really good fit, why I don’t use it is anybody’s guess. Just sheer bloody mindedness I think.

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Latex dress and Leggings by Westward Bound

Fetishist

When I first tried Latex, it was just to have a go and see what it was like and even though the first piece I tried was only a mid-range piece, I instantly loved it. I knew then I would definitely want to get more, what I did not know was how far this new found passion would go. It is only with Latex that I began to understand what it meant to have a Fetish for something. More about that in an upcoming post though.

Rope Top

When I went to my first every rope munch I tried my hand at tying a TK, and I just couldn’t take to it. Handling the rope, learning the ties, all felt so strange to me and I just could not see me ever enjoying it. When my Toppy side started to refuse to shush until I let her out to play though, rope as a Top became of interest. This time round while the learning was still a challenge it did at least make sense. I now have enough rope skill to hand that I can use it effectively when Topping. Which still feels like such a massive accomplishment.

Rope bunny

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My favourite photo from being a rope bunny

Oh the joy of being a rope bunny. It is a truly wonderful experience, that I am exceptionally inept at describing. It was the first thing I did in a kink sense that gave me a feeling of belonging. It also gave me moments of peace and haven to rest in when my mind and heart were cluttered with too many thoughts and feelings to sort through. I am on a bit of a bunny hiatus at the moment, but I know for sure I will be back in the ropes one day.

 

Sadomasochist

For me this is definitely one that is ‘under construction’. I definitely enjoy both causing and receiving pain in play. Where I land on the scale of both sadism and masochism feels like it is in a vastly evolving state at the moment. I haven’t been doing much in the way of masochistic play of late, which seems to be pushing that side of me in a more extreme direction, at least in my mind’s eye anyway. As for the sadistic side of me, I’ve spent a long time suppressing that desire refusing to indulge or enjoy it. Slowly but surely though, she is coming out to play. Albeit on a tight leash at the moment, I’m sure in time though I will grant myself more freedom to play in that particular way. Especially as Bakji seems to be a fan of mean streak!

So that’s me in a kinky nutshell, all those parts ebbing and flowing within me at all times. Some rising to the top one day and falling to almost a whisper at some points, yet they always remain, which is what makes pushing one forward as my primary role feel so tricky for me.

Thankfully I am growing accustomed to being something of a Kink and Fetish nomad, and that pressure I felt in my early days of being on the scene to define myself is gone. I enjoy being all facets of my kinky being, and I’m having all the fun in the world using all of those part of me in play.

Let’s Talk About – Communication!

I spend a lot of my time on the internet in forums where people are asking questions about their sex life. How to improve it, how to spice it up, concerns about sexual health or sexual performance. One of the most common responses to almost any question asked ever, is, ‘Communicate/Just talk/Just ask’ and many other variations on that theme. While I absolutely agree that communication is key, and that we should all be having open and frank conversations with our partners about what we enjoy sexually, I wonder if some people realise just how hard that can sometimes be.

Since I became involved in the BDSM lifestyle my ability to communicate effectively has become better and better. However in my non-kink relationships, I found it excruciating to discuss sex. I found saying ‘the words’ difficult, I found the pressure to have and talk about fantasies made me feel incredibly anxious and more inclined to withdraw from sexual activity rather than engage in it. Which reminds me of another forum conversations that is quite common;

Q: I want my partner to talk about their fantasies but they say they have none, what do I do. A: Just keep communicating, everyone has some kind of fantasy.

It drives me nuts when I see a word like ‘everyone’ in these kinds of contexts. In the world of sex, be it kinky or not, I do not think there is a one rule fits all for any aspect of it. Yet even enlightened and open-minded people seem to fall into this trap more often than seems helpful. When I was in a non-kink relationship, and had not yet discovered I was interested in kinky things, I really had no fantasies to voice. I just wanted my partner of the time to take charge and make the sexy things happen. I realise now this was probably a fantasy in and of itself, but at the time it was seen as laziness and selfishness, where it more like my sexual submissiveness showing it’s face.

Even now that I am well aware that I am kinky, as a submissive I really struggle to come up with ideas for scenes I’d like to do. As a Top it becomes a lot easier. Luckily for me though Bakji is amazing at knowing what he enjoys as a sub, he is a one man sexy idea machine and it’s brilliant because it gives me so much information to allow me to plan fun and sexy scenes with. However, even though we are constantly wittering on about something, usually the 90’s, the podcast, or new things to look up on wikipedia, neither of us are huge fans of sitting down and verbalising more delicate things. So we found out own way of communicating very efficiently what kind of things we’d like to add into our kinky repertoire.

We use an app called Trello. Which is a project management app. It allows the user to create various boards, and within those boards create lists, with various cards upon each list. Cards and/or lists can be moved around, edited and archived at any time and boards can be shared with other users. We have a ‘Kinky, Sexy Fun’ board where we share all our ideas about kinky thing we’d like to do together.

Not only has it allowed us to communicate in an effective way, but it’s also opened up the door for us to talk about things that we may be a little more shy about. Even with a kinky partner it can sometimes be a bit daunting to bring up a more unusual kink, or one that you are not entirely sure the other person will be into. It is a whole lot easier to do that sometimes without the other person looking at you. Maybe in an ideal world no one would worry and we could all just be incredibly open no matter what. But in light of that not being the case, why not embrace ways that help you communicate in a way that suits you.

It often seems that anything other than verbal communication is viewed as slightly less valid, and not entirely ‘proper’ for a grown up. While I completely agree that some conversations absolutely need to be done face to face, I think there are lots of times where there is no need to put yourself through that if you will find it tricky, when another option is available. Especially as once you start communicating in any way, it tends to make all manner of communication a lot easier.

I have found that since Bakji and I started our Trello board, we have tried lots more kinky things together. Which has grown the intimacy we share, and brought us closer together. Because of that I feel more confident in communicating other things too.

I have somes issues surrounding the more emotional side of my being, and it is definitely taking time to feel comfortable communicate those things. I am noticing though that this is something I am improving on. Things that might be troubling me tend to be dealt with the day it occurs, or at least within a day or two. Previously I was spending weeks and weeks worrying about something before mentioning it, because I had no idea how to even begin communicating what I needed to.

Even some of the feelings that most people perceive to be good can be a struggle for me to open up about. The closeness that has come from exploring and evolving alongside Bakji does however make it a little less daunting to admit I am in fact a big old softy.

The point I am trying to make, in a somewhat roundabout way, is don’t force verbal communication if someone finds it causes them to shut off rather than open up. Be open to finding a way that will aid conversations but won’t leave one partner feeling anxious or under pressure. Yes it might take time, and may not be an immediate fix, but who knows what results it could yield if given a good chance.

Also if someone does communicate something, don’t dismiss it because it’s not what ‘everyone’ else would say or because it’s not what you want to hear. We are all unique, in both what we think and feel, and in how we communicate those thoughts and feelings. Some of us perhaps more unique than others, and what seems like an easy conversation for others can be tough for some people.

So if you’re reading this and there’s a topic you’re struggling to approach with your partner, or something you’d like to encourage them to talk about, take a minute to consider new approaches to communication. Maybe it won’t work, but who knows, maybe it will.

What I’ve Learned From Switching

In my last blog post I mentioned that I would soon be doing a piece on labels, and how I feel about them. For the record I mean labels like ‘Dominant, masochist & little’. Not labels you find on tins of beans or ketchup bottles. I’m afraid you’ll have to go elsewhere for your food label fetish needs. This isn’t quite that blog post, but I am going to talk about one of the many labels that could be used to describe me. Switch.

I’m still not entirely sure I’ve accepted fully that I am a switch. All the evidence points to the fact I am. However it has been a surprise to me how much I love being on the dominant side of the D/s dynamic. So it’s still something I am processing, and I am learning more and more about how to Top and the ways in which I enjoy Topping every day. Putting these thoughts aside for the moment though, I want to talk about what I love about switching. Not in general terms but in the personal ways I’ve experienced it.

I’ve always know that Bakji was a switch. Even though I initially assumed he was a sub. Watching someone get their bum whipped will do that to a newbie who hasn’t thought past people being Dominant or submissive. However when he made his Toppy intentions clear, the submissive in me jumped at the chance to play with him. I think I’ve said this once or twice before, but in case anyone missed it, he’s bloody gorgeous and he wanted to do Shibari fun with me, my Princess Parts were beyond excited.

It never occurred to me that his submissive side would impair his ability to be a good Top. Unfortunately though this is a school of thought some people on the scene still have. I have never been able to figure out that logic. If anything I think the fact he enjoys both aspects of D/s made him a better Top for me.

Even though I had an inkling that Bakji would like to try switching with me, I was so grateful to him that he never pushed the matter when I declared myself out of the running when it came to Topping. I knew deep down it was something that interested me, but less than successful previous attempts made me feel like I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. That didn’t stop me finding what he enjoyed as a submissive interesting. Whenever he spoke about what he was or wasn’t into I listened carefully. Just in case the time ever came were I was brave enough to give Topping a go.

I don’t remember what the turning point was in my wanting to Top him. All I know is that time and time again I’d look at him all manly and sexy, and I wanted to know what it would be like to to see another facet of who he is. When he Tops me he is steely eyed and determined, he can melt me in a second and I love every minute of it. When he subs though, his eyes sparkle, with a playful eagerness. He comes to me with promises of submissive rebellion, and he puts up a good fight, usually, until he gives in and that moment, where his body language shifts and he looks at me like he can’t see anything else, that moment is glorious.

I always thought there was nothing that would make me as vulnerable to someone as submitting, whether it be sexually, or as a masochist or as a rope bottom. When I submit in those ways I am indeed vulnerable, but subbing shows sides of me that I am used to showing, and that people have more often than not embraced. When I Top Bakji though I am starting to show and enjoy sides of myself I have never quite been able to be proud of. That makes me feel far more vulnerable than anything I’ve ever done when subbing has. To have him enjoy and encourage me as a Top, without criticizing or causing negative thoughts has been really liberating.

Another thought that was challenged when I started Topping was that it was my submissive side that got caught up in feelings. Sometimes I surprise even myself with the ridiculous things I think. I held my subby side fully responsible for ‘the feels’, all adoring and eager to please. Clearly, I though,  it’s the submissive in me that controls the emotions too. So imagine my horror, when I noticed that after a good old Toppy session those feelings increased ten fold. That the level of adoration I felt for Bakji didn’t decrease or even stay the same, instead it skyrocketed.

The fact he is willing to put his trust in me as I learn, and experience new things is really lovely, and just one of the many reasons I am so taken with him. He is full of ideas and knowledge of what kinky things he enjoys, and he is happy share those things with me and allow me to use that information to plan and play out kinky scenes. It has given me the opportunity to try new things and discover new likes. Some things we have discovered we enjoy together, where previously our interest was minimal or non-existent and that has also been a lot of fun.

It’s nice to know though that if I suddenly get the urge to come over all subby, Bakji knows just which buttons to press to make that happen and these past few months of Topping him haven’t had an effect on how much I love subbing for him. The thrill of his hand against my throat, is not minimised because I now know the pleasure of my own hand pressed firmly to his neck. If anything it’s all become more fun. Everything feels amplified for knowing the other side of the slash is still there to be enjoyed. Also as I once saw someone say on Instagram, ‘Payback’s a bitch when you play with a Switch.’ Which is so very true, when you know that whatever you give out will come back to bite you on the bum (quite literally if your partner is into biting), it gives an edge to play that I really enjoy.

I think the final thing I enjoy about switching is again a personal thing and may not apply to everyone, but I like the fact it removes a certain amount of pressure to be one thing or another. It allows me to flow fluidly day by day. I spent a long time feeling I had to be one a certain way, or  make certain choices,both in kink or in non-kink life. Switching allows me to let go of all the shoulds, and shouldn’ts, which is more beneficial to me than I could have realised before I gave it a go.

Debauched Dynamics & Letting Go of Labels

On the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky myself and Bakji invited some friends on to do a guest episode on their dynamic. I won’t go into too much details about that here, as they explain it far better themselves in the podcast, the reason we invited them on though was to talk about their Mistress & slave dynamic.

While I certainly know other people who engage in a 24/7 dynamic or have a high protocol D/s relationship. Chatting to our guests certainly made me reflect upon how my personal feelings have changed towards whether or not I would like that kind of dynamic for myself.

When I first joined Fetlife, but before I had joined the Fetish scene I identified as submissive. When I looked around Fetlife it appeared from the posts I read and the pictures I saw, that the ultimate goal for any submissive was to be owned and collared. I didn’t really know what that meant to me. I had no idea what factors would have to be in place for me to be happy in that scenario, or if indeed it would work for me at all. However, in my naivety I figured it must be what I wanted because it seemed to be ‘the norm’.

Looking back I realise how daft that was. I also know that a 24/7 dynamic would not work for me, in any way shape or form. I can’t even please myself 24/7, let alone someone else. I realise that even in 24/7 dynamics people still go to work, have off days, raise children and still manage their dynamic quite happily. But I know for me I just couldn’t. Mostly because I couldn’t handle a marriage under those circumstances, so I don’t think the addition of BDSM would suddenly work miracles.

Once I joined the Fetish scene, I got to see more dynamics at play, and got to meet more people who all experience their kinks in a variety of ways. I started to realise that I had a lot to discover about myself and a lot of kinky things to explore before I made any hard and fast decisions about labels & roles.

I decided to remove my ‘submissive’ role from Fetlife, partly because I hated all the messages filled with assumption that came with being an unowned submissive on Fetlife, and partly because I didn’t want to pigeonhole myself. I had seen a lot of people shift in terms of how they identified and I wanted to give myself the room to do that too.

Since then I’ve discovered I do in fact enjoy Topping, to the point that identifying as predominantly submissive is now unlikely. I’m going to do another blog post soon about my kink orientation so won’t going into detail about where I fall on the spectrum in this post. I will say though that I don’t think I could have learnt what I have about myself without shedding the submissive label and without removing all my expectations of future relationships.

I think like many people joining the scene I had this romantic notion of how my life as a Kinkster would pan out. In reality kinky life is as regular as non-kink life in many ways, just with spankings and rope. I didn’t find a wealth of perfect Dom’s and submissives that never put a foot wrong. What I didn’t find though was lots of really wonderful people, some Dominant, some submissive, some that identify as neither. Shock horror, you can be kinky and not identify as Dominant or submissive. Who knew! What all these people have in common though is that they’re doing kink their way and none of them really care how other people are doing their kink, so long as they are being risk aware and carrying out their kinks consensually.

I realised that what I needed to do was do kink my way and find out what worked for me. Luckily I have gotten to do that while playing with Bakji who knows himself pretty well. From the moment we met he was self-assured and had all his kinky ducks in a row. Which whether intentional or not has given me the conditions I needed to figure some of my own kinky gubbins out. He has never placed expectations on me, and has never made me feel like there was any need for me to be anything other than myself.

So that’s what I’ve done, I’ve spent time being myself, while also being kinky. Turns out that works pretty well for me, and I’m actually really happy with that being where I’m at. I’m happy to enjoy my kinky life without trying to strive to have the dynamics other people have.

I think it can be really easy, especially when you’re new to the kink scene, to get weighed down by all the labels, dynamics and protocols that are available. I don’t think anyone would judge a person for not knowing right away what worked for them, or changing their mind on where they’re at. Especially as you meet more people, I think the people we meet and the friends we make have a huge influence on who we become as not only a kinkster, but as a person.

I count my lucky stars that I have met good, and kind people, who have given me a safe environment in which to grow. That includes people like the guests on the podcast episode that inspired this piece, because without people who are willing to openly share and discuss their own kinks and fetishes, it would be impossible for the rest of us to learn and grow.

So to anyone new to the scene, or to anyone feeling like they no longer fit their chosen kink label; don’t panic, don’t have a meltdown and don’t run away. Take a deep breath, find a good kinky friend to confide in and just be yourself.

Coming Out – The Sexuality Version

So I have previously written about my kinky coming out, and it has been so well received, I thought that I would write a little something about the sexuality side of things too.

IMG_9092In July 1987 Scott and Charlene got married on neighbours, bare with me, I promise that is relevant. To anyone who can remember that far back, and I’m sure some of my blog readers are too young or too cool to remember, it was a story line that captured viewers hearts, and put Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan into the public eye. By the time I was 4 their music careers were well under way and they released ‘Especially For You’ and I could have wet myself with happiness, because I was absolutely enamoured with both of them. In equal measure for the same reasons. I assumed in my youthful innocence that because it was how I felt that it was entirely normal to find both sexes of equal interest.

I thought this for a very long time. Much longer in fact than I think it would have taken most people to realise there were different sexualities at play in the world. One of the first same-sex couples I encountered must have got together when I was about 5. One of the ladies in the couple had previously been married to a man. Then a few years after that she was living with a woman and they were very happy. I grew up thinking how very normal that seemed. She loved one person, they stopped their romantic relationship but remained friends, and she developed a romantic and loving relationship with someone else. The fact she’d gone from a man to a woman, really didn’t phase me. I realise now though that a lot of people around her probably wondered what on earth she was doing, especially as I now know she has never formally announced her sexual orientation. Because that confuses people more than anything.

People like labels, and that is no different when it comes to sexuality. In fact it’s probably more important for people when it comes to sexuality. Are you gay or are you straight? That the question most people want to know the answer to. When you answer with anything other than those two options people get a little bit ruffled. The first time I comfortably decided to use the term bisexual was when I joined the kink scene. Up until then I just let people decide for me.

When I was 16 I fell madly in love with a girl at school, she reciprocated in some smallIMG_9091 way and for a short while we had some involvement with each other. Here’s the thing though, girls gossip, and I went to an all girls school. So I don’t think there was anyone in my school year who didn’t know that was happening. Pair this with the fact I was totally obsessed with Mel C and wore an ‘I ♡ Mel C’ badge on my prefect sash, I became know as ‘that lesbian girl’. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian, I also knew I wasn’t straight. I also knew that saying ‘actually I’m Bi-sexual’ would cause me a world of irritation I just couldn’t be bothered with at 16. So I just let people decide I was a lesbian and went along with it.

When I was 19 I broke off a relationship with a girl I had been seeing quite some time, and fell instead into the bed of an Australian fella, who offered me absolutely nothing except my first foray with a cock. While I didn’t exactly have the best sex of my life with him, it did at least confirm that I was indeed into dudes as well. He was in and out of my life fairly quickly, which paved the way for me meeting the man who would become my now ex-husband. It also meant another switch in sexual identity. Anyone who knew of my previous relationships with females assumed I’d gone through a phase, found myself a good man and was now straight.

All along I knew it was irrelevant that he was a man, I loved him not because of what he had in his pants but because of who he was. He made me laugh and he made me feel secure and wanted, we had dreams together that I’d never had alone and I loved him for that. I was in that relationship for 10 years and married for a fair chunk of that time. So in many cases it never came up that I was also attracted to females.

When my marriage ended, I had a brief dalliance with another woman and let some people at work know this, as I’d also let them know about my interest in BDSM, and some of the comments I got where, shortsighted, shall we say. The one that sticks in my mind most being ‘I didn’t know you were like that’, I never really got to the bottom of what ‘like that’ really entailed. That comment came from the same person who called me a ‘free loving hippy’ over another matter and I think that was meant to be derogatory, but I rather took it as a compliment. So I don’t think her understanding of broader strands of life is very good.

IMG_9090Other than this recent ‘coming out’ at work, my actual experience in sitting people down and saying ‘hey I’m into all the people’ is pretty much non-existent. I told my cousin when I was 16, and she was really supportive, both of the same-sex relationship I was in, and later of my relationship with my ex-husband. 10 years after we’d had that conversation about me, she confided she was in fact gay herself. She had always known, but for her own reasons hadn’t been ready to admit it. It made me incredibly sad that she hadn’t been ready before then, that it took her until she was 30 to come to terms with her sexuality. It makes me sad, that the world needs those labels so badly, that people have to make decisions where sometimes there are no decisions to be made or feel like they can’t embrace who they are unless they can stick a label on it. Instead of just saying ‘I’m me, and right now I’m into that person’.

My dad knows I’m Bisexual, no idea how, can’t remember ever actually saying the words. He seems cool with it though, as he is with most things, so it’s never really been an issue to discuss as such. Which is an attitude I hope to continue with my own child.

As a mother I have been asked more times than I can believe is necessary in these modern times, what would I do if my son came home and said he was gay. Well first of all I’m hoping that we will have an open and honest relationship that will make a big announcement null and void. But whether he brings home Paul or Polly or both at the same time, so long as he’s happy and safe and respectful of himself and others I honestly have zero concerns about who he chooses to invite into his bed. Unless they upset him, then gender won’t be an issue as they will be in for a world of pain if Mama Floss gets hold of them.

I’ve written this using largely male, female, bisexual, straight and gay/lesbian. Predominantly because as I was growing up that was how it was always presented to me. Since I have joined the kink scene I have learnt a vast amount about gender and sexuality and I absolutely appreciate I have provided a somewhat narrow view of things. But it portrays my experience and that’s currently what I’m writing about.

I’ve also been asked previously if I state bisexual as my sexual orientation because I am only interested in cis-gendered males and females. The reason I choose bisexual over say pansexual, is because it took me such a very long time to accept and use any label, and at the time of me finally feeling settled and confident as a bisexual woman I hadn’t yet learnt that the spectrum of sexuality had grown somewhat. In real terms there probably is a lot more to my sexuality than fancying men and women, but as with most things in life it’s all about evolving and learning, both of which I am most definitely still doing.

‘Why Is No-One Into My Kink?’

This week on #ProudToBeKinky myself and Bakji had a little chat about ‘Why Is No-one Into My Kink?’. A question that I see on Fetlife on a daily basis. The short answer is ‘Someone is into your kink, but asking random people to do said kink with you isn’t the way to get some kinky action.’

This doesn’t seem to happened to men as often, but women can quite often end up feeling like they are seen as some sort of Fetish delivery service. Just because a woman identifies as Dominant doesn’t mean she wants to whip some random guy’s bum just because he likes the look of her from her pictures. Chances are that particular woman might still like to get to know a guy first, maybe she really likes funny guys, or confident guys, or maybe and this is a crazy idea, maybe she wants to be wanted for more than the fact she owns a whip and a set of ropes she knows how to use!

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Image courtesy of google images

For some reason once we throw being kinky into the mix some people seem to completely forget about the natural laws of attraction. Just because you’re into foot worship and so is someone else, doesn’t mean you will automatically have the chemistry to get it on. Being attracted to someone on other levels still matters. Don’t get me wrong I think finding a partner whose kinks match with yours makes for a very happy and sexually fulfilled life. But kinks can evolve over time, and covering the basics first seems just as important to me.

On a personal level when I first met Bakji, we filled out ‘the BDSM Checklist’ which was devised by our friend MasterMHatter as part of his book Virtually Yours. The things I was open to in the first few months of us being together were nowhere near as extensive as the things we now do together. We focused on the things we did both enjoy though, and over time as I got know Bakji better, developed a good level of trust in him and grew in confidence within the safe and fun environment we created together the list of kinks we could experience together grew.

If he’d played it like some people do on the scene though, he would have noticed all the things he liked and I didn’t and given up at the first hurdle. Lucky for me he sees things a little differently though and was absolutely willing to put the effort into being a man I could actually desire and enjoy my times with, instead of just telling me what I could do for him. The result of his approach? I am really enthusiastic about doing everything I can for him.

For anyone reading this thinking ‘yeah, but I’m looking for a D/s relationship, so I should be telling that sub girl what she can do for me’ or ‘but I’m looking for a Mistress so I need show my best grovelling skills’. No and no! Kinky people are still people, we still need to laugh and have fun, or know we can rely on someone when we’ve had a bad day. We are all multi-faceted people, so to have a fulfilling relationship, we need an equally multi-faceted partner.

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Image courtesy of google images

If you’re reading this and you’ve maybe been to a munch or two, and have sent out loads of messages on Fetlife and still have had no joy in finding the crop wielding Mistress of your dreams you will probably be shouting at me through your computer asking what the hell you should be doing then seeing as I’m such a self-righteous know it all. Well lucky for you I’m going to tell you.

My top tips for finding someone into your kink:

  • Be a person first, kink role second – sub guys, super hot, especially if they’re also confident and have their shit together. Sub guys who constantly whimper & whine about not getting any action, not so hot.
  • Go to munches, over and over and over again until you have made some friends, and when I say friends I mean platonic, yet kinky friends, who will know other kinky people & may one day introduce you to the partner of your kinkiest, filthiest dreams.
  • Do not send unsolicited messages saying things like ‘hey ur sexy, I wont to be u slave’ or ‘you’re pretty, let Sir cum on your face’ and whatever you do, do not send a dick pic! Dick pics are the social media version of a flasher in a flasher mac. Nobody wants to see that. (Well except the girl I knew in school who dated the local flasher, after he flashed her, but this is very, very rare). I don’t know any girls hooking up with a guy after a dick pic was sent.
  • Don’t make someone feel like you’re only there for what they can offer you. Yes it might be attractive that they are adept at ropework, or impact play, but someone noticing you’re kind or clever can be really nice too.
  • I’ve had messages from guys saying they’d doing anything for me to be their Mistress. Instead of being flattered I just think they sound foolish. They don’t know me at all, I could be into some seriously nasty and dangerous stuff, and my ‘anything’ could lose them a precious appendage. So appearing to be selective & like you have some personal code of conduct does help. Actually being selective and having a personal code of conduct even better.
  • If you’re a Dom don’t presume that every sub girl is going to be hot for you and definitely don’t presume that her being a submissive make her your submissive. Those are two very different distinctions Any Dom who has used language that implies ownership without me knowing him goes straight into my douche pile.

I know I might sound a tad ranty, but my inbox is full of messages from people either trying to get me to be their Fetish delivery system, pictures of guys dicks, or of quite frankly pathetic, begging messages just pleading for any kind of attention. One guess what I do with all those messages. That’s right, ignore, ignore, ignore. However, if someone send me a nice message with some decent content I will actually reply, because despite what the tone of this blog post might suggest, I’m actually a really nice person.

A Weekend in the Life of Floss

As I mentioned in my previous blog post Coming Out of the Kinky Closet, my non-kink friends are all aware of my kink life. Quite often at the beginning of a new week they will ask what I got up to at the weekend, more often than not followed by the comment ‘or shouldn’t we ask’. The assumption being that my weekends are so debauched and filthy that I can’t possibly share any aspect of them with anyone who isn’t as perverted as I am.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do like to fit in as much debauchery and perversion into my weekends as I can. However, kinky people are still people, and we have to do regular people things as well as super fun kinky people things. So I thought it might be fun to do a little diary of one of my weekends, to give an idea of how my kink life and my non-kink life fit together.

Friday:

I know I said it isn’t all about perverted debauchery, but Friday nights quite often do contain a little bit of that. On a Friday I usually get to see the gorgeous Bakji. This week I haven’t seen him since Monday, and that was a practical, pod related visit, in terms of play it’s been one week since we got our kink on. I work until 9pm on a Friday and Bakji arrives at mine anywhere between 9.15pm and 10pm. 

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Latex bra and silk robe pre Bakji’s arrival

Today I am looking forward to showcasing my new Latex bra from Libidex, and new shoes that were an eBay bargain. Luckily I have just enough time to change before Bakji arrives. Having learnt last week when I opened the door in full Latex that this can distract him a little and induce instant subbiness, I’m kind and throw on a silk robe too, so he can have the luxury of some conversation before I have my Toppy way with him. I’m not going to give a blow by blow account of the sexy times, you will all just have to imagine what can occur when there’s a Latex clad lady, a sexy man, rope, lube and a vibrating butt plug.

Saturday:

This morning is back to reality, while I do get a little lie in, getting to enjoy chats and cuddles with Bakji, I also have to get into mum mode. As my 5 year old is back from his Dad’s. We actually have a lovely morning going to breakfast with his Dad and doing some Christmas shopping. When I referred in my last post to how I am lucky with how understanding people in my life are, this is a prime example. My ex was not on board with our split, but after a lot of heartache and lots of communication we have reached a really good place. Which is wonderful, because he’s one of my best friends and it’s lovely for our son to spend time with Mummy and Daddy at the same time.

The afternoon brings a party for one of my son’s school friends. He has been so excited about it for ages, so I am beyond surprised when we get there and he doesn’t want to join in. There are tears and cuddles, but no amount of talking things through with him changes his feelings. We leave after 45 minutes when it’s clear he really isn’t himself. I feel like somehow I’ve made some massive parenting error to cause his mood, as he is normally the most social child in any room, and loves to dance and play games. I feel like a need a massive hug, so I count my blessings Bakji is always good at bringing infinite hugs with him when he visits. 

Luckily both myself and small human have fun things planned for this evening. Small human is off to his Dad’s for a sleepover with his step-brother and Bakji is heading back to mine so we can go to the lock-in at our local sex shop. An event arranged for local Kinsters, a bit like a mini munch, so a chance to socialise, meet new people, there’s also a raffle, and discounts across the store.

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My beautiful new shoes and my new rubber flogger

While we don’t win anything in the raffle, I am slightly flustered but also very flattered to win a best dressed prize. A small rubber flogger, I haven’t tested it out yet, but I’m sure Bakji’s bum will enjoy it immensely in the very near future. A treat for him for kindly buying me the Latex leggings that caught everyone’s attention and bagged me the flogger. I also bought myself some new shoes, which I’m sure will work their way into a scene and also become another nice treat for Bakji. He really is a very lucky boy.

After the lock-in we head over to what we affectionately refer to as ‘Tea Party Headquarters’, the home of our beautiful friend CheshireCat_MMH, whose blog you can find here. This is where we head for Shibari shenanigans and kinky parties. Tonight there is lots of post lock-in rope, and it’s lovely to watch people enjoying themselves. We also have a couple of new faces along and it’s lovely to get to know them a bit better, as well as catching up with old friends. We sing christmas songs and have silly conversations, while others are contorted in rope, meaning christmas songs are joined by lovely sounds of masochists in pain.

We head home somewhere after 1am and it’s lovely to fall into bed with Bakji. As kinky as we are, it’s all about cuddles and talking tonight and that in itself is really lovely, and they’re moments I really look forward to throughout the week. We purposely don;t see each other every day, and while it works well for us, it doesn’t stop me missing him immensely when he gone. So I cherish every moment I have him with me.

Sunday:

We have quite a late start for us, normally we are up and out of bed before 8am on the nights Bakji stays over, but I think it’s gone 9am before we finally move from the cosiness of my bed. Once we are up though, there is coffee and toast, while we discuss things like the podcast, my blog and future Fetish events. Bakji heads home around lunchtime and I curl up with my laptop with the hope of a productive afternoon before my small human arrives home around 3pm. So while writing about and thinking about all things kinky, I’m curled up on my sofa in leggings and a jurassic park t-shirt while snuggled under a blanket. So not quite the 24/7 Latex clad Queen I’d like to be.

Monday:

I’m going to tag Monday in on my weekend, because despite the fact it was as far away from kink as you can get, I did have a kink related question to ask my Dad, as you do. While myself and small human spent the day with my Dad, we had a lovely walk with two little dogs my Dad is looking after and the boy then spent the rest of the day playing silly games that Mummy just can’t get her very serious head around. Then realising the time is probably never right to ask your Dad if you can cut a hole in his ceiling (my dad is my landlord) for a hard-point, I just bit the bullet and blurted it out. Bless him for not batting an eyelid, but just making me promise to be 100% certain it was done safely. Luckily for me I have a very good friend in Master M Hatter* who is going to come and see if it’s a viable option for me. He’s installed a hard-point or two in his time so I know I’m in safe hands. Sadistic hands. But safe. If we have success I will definitely do a hard-point hooray blog post to tell you all about it.

So that is a fairly standard weekend in my life, while the events I attend vary, there is always that same mix of being a mum, daughter, colleague and friend as well as being a kinkster. I think we sometimes worry when we first join the scene that everyone else is a hardcore kinkster or fetishist and those of us who are also maintaining a non-kink life don’t quite fit in. I’ll let you into a little secret though, every single person I’ve met on the scene has a non-kink aspect to their life, we all have some downtime once in a while, with many of us having children, very non-kink jobs and all manner of other responsibilities that sometimes means kink has to come second occasionally. So whether your kink is bedroom bondage or being a 24/7 rubberdoll there is a still a place for you on the Fetish scene.

* You can hear more from MasterMHatter and CheshireCat_MMH on Episode #008 of #ProudToBeKinky Podcast which will be released this Thursday, in which I steal the podcast reigns from Bakji and do some solo hosting for a chat about Shibari.