‘Don’t you miss having sex?’
A question I have been asked many times with regards to being into FemDom. It’s hard to know where to begin with unraveling the myth behind this particular question, so let’s just acknowledge one thing straight away … FemDom can be sex inclusive.
The beauty of being the one in charge, whether that just in a scene or in a more extended FemDom dynamic is that you get to call the shots. (Within established parameters and respecting limits of course.) I have always known that I could include sex in my FemDom scenes, learning how to incorporate it was trickier, that however was about my personal approach, rather than about some unwritten rule of no sex for Dominant Women.
When I tie Bakji up, which I do in probably 99% of our kinky sessions, one of the most joyful elements of that time is that I can do whatever I want to him, for however long I want and whichever way I choose. If I want to ‘force him’ into oral servitude, then use his cock as a dildo and demand he makes me comes with his magic fingers before making him go to bed without any comes himself, I can absolutely do that.
I can have all the sex I can take. I can even leave him untied, still turn him into a subby fuck (I mean this affectionately and with love) and demand he fucks me until I come whilst denying him the chance to climax himself. The key to this is rooted in a few things. Partly he wants to do this; D/s dynamics of all kinds only work if each side of the slash want their part in the exchange. Secondly we’ve taken time to understand what makes us tick when it comes to kink, I know exactly what buttons to push to get Bakji to submit to my wicked desires. I also know which actions will get me fucked by what is essentially a sex robot, and what actions will have him taking charge and fucking me into my very own puddle of subbiness. (Yes, I’m a Switch, yes I can still give advice on FemDom, no I don’t care if you disagree.)
Certain sex acts are deemed inherently Dominant by some people, I thoroughly disagree. Some sex acts may indeed be acts of Topping, in that you are the person doing the sex thing to the other person, but doing does not a Dominant make. While I’m on the subject, the reverse is opposite for certain sex acts being seen as submissive. Blowjobs anyone? Yeah not submissive. I give blowjobs in FemDom mode, and I actually prefer them to giving a blowjob in a non-kink context or when I’m bottoming.
That said, one of the things I love about FemDom is that I actually don’t have to have any sex at all if I don’t want to and you know what, sometimes, in fact a lot of times I don’t. I don’t have a very high sex drive. Often when I’m craving a scene with Bakji what I actually want is the control. I want to tease him endlessly and watch as his frustration builds, I love to laugh during our scenes and most of all the sex I like having is my hand wrapped around his cock. Yep, handjobs are the highest frequency sex in our relationship and I bloody love that.
What get’s you off doesn’t have to be sex, it can be, but don’t feel bad, or weird about yourself if it’s not. When it comes to giving FemDom a go the best advice I can give you when it comes to gaining your own pleasure, is simply do what makes you feel good, and what makes you smile. If that’s tying your sub up while lying back and masturbating, do that. If it’s leaving them untied (I realise bondage isn’t for everyone), but ordering them remain still while you fuck them, do that.
The list of joyful ways you can derive sexual pleasure from a FemDom scene is endless. If however having sex, whether that is P.I.V, fingering, oral or any other kind of sex then you can absolutely make that happen. You can roll over in bed at night, feel their erection, whisper in their ear that you want them to fuck you and the whole time you can be reminding them of how subby they are, of how that dick is yours, how their orgasm will be yours (if you permit there to be one), how every living, breathing, hot, sweaty, fucking inch of them belongs to you. Words are powerful things and they can make the most perceived ‘dominant’ actions exceptionally submissive if utilised in the right way.
This is why I love FemDom. It takes everything I’ve ever been taught about being a woman in a sexual relationship and says ‘fuck you’ right in its face.
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