My image this week isn’t of me, I asked my lovely friend if I could share a photo I took of her this weekend and I am delighted that she said yes.
I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.
Growing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.
When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community.
The wonderful Posy Churchgate wrote a piece for this week’s Masturbation Monday called ‘Under My Thumb.’ At the end of the piece, which I found to be a very thought provoking read, and while I began to comment on her post directly, I feel that my thoughts might be suited to some of my readers here.
Can You Be ‘BDSM Curious’?
“Since joining the kink community which surrounds the Twitter sex bloggers, I have begun to refer to myself as BDSM curious. I don’t know if it’s an actual ‘thing’ …” – Posy Churchgate
Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.
Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone
For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.
Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.
It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.
Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.
To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing, specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.
Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.
Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.
As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:
- Physical affection and closeness
- Being in company
- Being left alone
- Food and drink
- Staying warm and cosy
- Peace and quiet
- Talking things through
- Taking their mind of it
- Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc
Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.
It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.
When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.
This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on May 7th and is titled ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.
The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.
This one is actually great advice for anyone exploring kink, fetish and BDSM, regardless of the initial interest that begins their exploration. Without exception every kinky person I have had in depth conversations with about kink has discussed at least one kink they never knew they had or never believed they would be into.
Fledgling Floss: I would never do piss play
FemDom Floss: OMG I sooo want to try piss play
Fledgling Floss: What happened to I would never … ?
FemDom Floss: *shoves a gag in Fledgling Floss’ mouth*
Bringing it back round to FemDom though, a journey many of us embark on in a fairly low key manner. Often with a little hesitation thrown in too due to many of the thoughts I will be addressing in these articles; Will I get it wrong? What if I’m not Dominant enough? What if I’m not a Sadist? These list goes on.
Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?
The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.
I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.
There are many branches of non-monogamy, some of which are more familiar overall than others, but all of which are misunderstood by anyone not well versed in them. Cuckolding is no different. Within the kink community anyone who is engaged with cuckolding, if doing it in a healthy manner, will have consent from all parties involved, boundaries and/or limits they adhere to and lots of communication.
There are as many ways to conduct a cuckolding relationship as there are people into it. It isn’t one size fits all and we shouldn’t assume everyone does it for the same reasons. Yes many men who identify as a cuckold will be into humiliation and that will be huge part of the dynamic with his partner, however many men will not engage in the humiliation element of cuckolding and their dynamic will focus on other aspects that cuckolding can encourage.
The paragraph above was very gender specific, which is something I normally try to avoid, but I specifically went there because when most people think of cuckolding they think of a cisgendered heterosexual man, whose wife or certainly female partner is cheating on him with another man or multiple men. As with most, if not all kinks though, cuckolding does not have to be, and is not gender specific. People can be into cuckolding no matter their gender, sexuality or kink identity.
If It Isn’t Always About Humiliation, What is It About?
Validation of Choices – Have you ever felt pleased when someone complimented you on a new purchase? Be that shoes or car. Knowing someone else is attracted to your partner can cause that same feeling. That isn’t to say that this kind of validation is needed for people to love or be attracted to their partner, but it can certainly enhance arousal.
Power Exchange – Being stripped of your ability to have input while your partner engages in sexual activity, while you not only get none for yourself but may also be ‘forced’ to watch as they fuck someone else can be an extremely arousing situation for some people. It is worth repeating that these kinds of dynamics need clear negotiation and explicit consent before being embarked upon.
Sexual Arousal – For many people it is arousing to see their partner or hear about their partner being sexual with another person. There will be no more or no less to it than that.
Exploration of Taboos – Exploring and experiencing things we have grown up being told are wrong can be a really powerful sexual motivator. Cuckolding lends itself well to many people exploring a lot of societal taboos.
Escapism – As with many kinks, engaging in cuckolding will be a way of letting go and escaping the everyday for many people. That isn’t to say there aren’t 24/7 lifestyle cuckolds, of course there are. There are probably more casual cuckolds though who simply enjoy it when they can to take a step away from daily grind for a while.
Chastity – Lots of men are into chastity. Not all of them are into cuckolding. However, for some men into chastity one of the things that makes being locked away even hotter is knowing that other penises are free to fuck the woman that owns their very locked up cock.
Humiliation – Why have I have saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.
Cuckold? Really? Can We Have Another Word?
The origin of the word cuckold comes from the Cuckoo* bird’s habit of laying its eggs in another birds nest, therefore the unwitting bird will raise offspring that is not its own. Originally being used to refer to men whose partners were deceiving them by sleeping with another man, or men who were unwittingly raising another man’s offspring. With means that it is a somewhat imprecise term for many people who are into cuckolding.
Alternatives are thin on the ground though, and probably don’t provide many better options. HotWife lifestyle is probably the only other descriptive that offers similar activities but without the associated negative connotations of its roots being in infidelity and humiliation. However I am well aware many people would not feel it is suitable for them, and I am neither supporting nor condemning it.
*Because disclaimers are all the rage I feel obliged to mention that not all species of Cuckoo do this. I do not want to offend any non-cuckolding Cuckoos or any Ornithologists.
When it comes to terminology, there are some options but again I don’t think they feel like the right fit for everyone. Especially if gender specific terms are not appropriate or wanted.
Cuckquean – Female variant of a cuckold
Bull – Man with whom a cuckold’s partner is having sex
Cuckcake – Woman with whom a cuckqueans partner is having sex
What if you are the partner who is free to enjoy sexual encounters while your cuckold stays home or watches the fun in some cases? You may be a CuckQueen (note this is different to cuckquean), Cuckoldress or HotWife. Interestingly male versions of these terms do not seem to exist, so make of that what you will.
Surely If The Terms Don’t Fit Your Kink Is Something Else?
Yes and no. There is a specific element of cuckolding that you don’t get with other branches of non-monogamy or kink. While your partner is fucking someone else, you aren’t. You’re not fucking them and you’re not fucking anyone else either. Maybe you’re watching, maybe you’re sat at home alone or maybe you’re at work knowing your partner is getting their kicks anywhere but with you. Why someone is turned on or content with that might vary, but the specific nature of cuckolding means that you are not providing the sexual pleasure.
Perhaps if we saw more positive and honest examples of this particular kink we would be able to move away from the negative and sometimes incorrect assumptions that usually come with it.
Floss Is Wrong and She’s Ruining My Life
Wow! Sucks to be you then.
On a more serious note I realise that for people who live this lifestyle I may not be supporting the truths of how they view cuckolding and what that means to them. Unfortunately though no matter who you are or what your kink is, it is going to evolve and cuckolding is no different.
It is evolving and as such demanding people do it in one particular way is going to achieve nothing. The ‘one true way’ BDSM folk are dwindling, though still existing I grant you that, because their reluctance to accept new and/or alternative ideas makes them seem unpleasant and elitist.
Surely someone understanding, supporting and embracing something even if only from time to time is better than them having no outlet for their desires and being unfulfilled.
Before, during and after I wrote this I perused cuckolding forums and cuckolding groups on Fetlife and Reddit to ensure I wasn’t making any absolutely absurd claims. I do not want to misrepresent anyone, and I do not speak for the entire kink community on this blog, what I do want to do though is challenge people’s assumptions of a wide variety of kinks and try to encourage more acceptance of not only kink in general, but for kinks that may not be our own.
My blog mainly reaches people who are new to kink and are looking to learn and as such I try present my information in a way that is supportive, non-judgemental; and will hopefully give people a starting point for what may or may not be their kink. For that reason it may not match your own experience if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time.
The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.
How Taboo Is Your Kink?
When we first start exploring our own individual kinks the vast majority of us seem to expect that we will be the only one into our particular kink. In reality I am yet to meet someone who is the only one with their kink. Which means in 3 years I haven’t encountered a single person who has a truly unique kink, in theory everyone I have met, either online or in person could potentially engage in their kink with another person.
An email from a #ProudToBeKinky listener got me thinking about taboo kinks, and how taboo our kinks really are and whether or not that matters. As always I think there are lots of strands of thinking to this. First of all what is taboo in the non-kink world is very different to what is taboo in the kink community. When you don’t have any other kinksters to discuss these matters with, it can be easy to assume your kinks are uncommon and therefore will shock others when you open up about them.
If you type taboo fetishes into google the first entry offers up:
- Mecaphilia – Fetish for mechanical objects
- Tickling Fetish
- Squashing – defined as having someone sit on you chest
- Scat Play
- Electrical Stimulation
- Golden Showers – aka urophilia, watersports, piss play
- Sex Parties
- Balloon Fetish
- Diaper Fetish
I have had personal interactions, by this I mean conversational exchanges, with people who have between them had all but one of those Fetishes. The only one I have never encountered personally is Mecaphilia. While I admit that discussing any of these kinks over dinner with family or over lunch with colleagues is going to raise more than a few eyebrows and will likely lead to the individual opening up being unfairly shamed for their interests, within the kink community the reaction would be a lot different.
Most reasonable and kind kinksters will apply the ‘your kink is not my kink but that’s okay’ line of thinking to most kinks they do not have a desire to engage in. The exception to this would be if your kink is likely to endanger you or someone else, violates another person consent or involves minors.
Am I Saying No Kink Is Taboo?
Definitely not. There are kinks and Fetishes that for understandable reasons will cause people to either wonder if your reasons for engaging in them are safe, sane and consensual or cause someone who is into them to question their own personal beliefs, morality and state of mind. Many taboo kinks have political or social overtones to them than cannot, and should not be overlooked. I think it is important to both accept and understand why more taboo and extreme kinks and Fetishes might be challenging for some people to hear about and/or witness.
There are certainly some kinks that I would advise people to conduct largely in private unless they were certain the company they were keeping would not feel at best uncomfortable and at worse triggered by being exposed to a kink or Fetish that may have negative connotations for them. Interests that I would say often come under this umbrella for many people include but are not limited to race play, rape play and incest play. Also anything that Fetishsizes and glorifies people or parties that are largely condemned as abhorrent.
Just to be clear I am not saying you should be ashamed of or hide even the more taboo kinks, and I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t engage in the with a consenting adult. Being mindful and aware of other people’s feelings though is not the same as hiding away and being shamed.
When I opened this conversation on Twitter a follower kindly shared Ugol’s Law with me.
Ugol’s Law will tell you that for every time someone asks the question, “Am I the only one who likes this?” that the answer will always be no. The law stems from the idea that we have more in common as human beings than we might think. It also suggests that once you start looking for like-minded people, you will inevitably find someone who shares the same feelings, desires, and kink as you do. – From Kinkly.com
So whatever our kink we there will be another person with the same interest. Why then do we find ourselves feeling like we are alone in our desires and why does the question of something being taboo matter?
In a group chat with friends I posed this same question and one of them hit the nail on the head with why this comes up again and again. When you haven’t found like minded friends and/or a like minded partner, you may as well be the only person with your kink. With a world population of 7 billion people the chances of you just bumping into a person with your kink at the local pub or at a work event are pretty slim.
Even when you reach the kink community there are definitely those kinks that feel common place, and it seems like everyone is doing them. BDSM, in its full form of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission and Sadism and masochism, is often used as a blanket term for kink. However it’s quite possible to have a kink or Fetish you are really passionate about and not identify with any of the branches of BDSM. In that scenario I can see how opening up about your specific kink can feel scary even to fellow kinksters.
What is The Solution?
Find a community. This doesn’t mean you have to go to your local munch. Even though I do think this is a great way to actually meet like minded people and increase your chances of meeting someone who will engage in your kink with you. Online communities are also a totally valid way of connecting with people and for the more taboo kinks I think this can be a really good way to feel less isolated.
Also reaching out to people who seem open minded and friendly can often be a great way to share your kinks and be reassured that they’re not as outlandish as you might think. It might even be that they can recommend resources and/or folks with similar interests, even if they are not into it themselves.
Being prepared to start small can often be make or break in whether or not you get to live out your kink not only to its fullest but at all. When you have never considered a kink before being asked to take it to its most extreme is likely to fill most people with a variety of feelings, many of them will make the prospect of trying whatever it is quite daunting. Even those new to spanking, which is am extremely popular kink, are really nervous to give it a try, so being asked to cane someone until they before you’ve tried spanking is going to feel terrifying to most people.
Having some kink is better than having no kink in most situations. If your deepest desire is full on forced feminization, with wig, makeup and a full Latex sissy maid dress, but your partner is wary and wants to start out with lace panties and stockings, then go with that. People take time to find their own comfort zones, especially when it isn’t their specific kink they are exploring. Many kinks crossover though and we can find enjoyment through embracing our own kinks while indulging other people in theirs.
While acknowledging your kink and starting to explore it can often feel isolating and daunting, there is every chance that you are not alone and that you can and will find someone to engage in it with you. Patience, mindfulness and being proactive in a community with definitely help your chances though. If you have found this because you have you own kink or Fetish that you are uncertain about or feel alone with, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch.