My image this week isn’t of me, I asked my lovely friend if I could share a photo I took of her this weekend and I am delighted that she said yes.
For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote ‘(Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation’, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.
It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.
As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.
Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.
Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.
While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.
When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:
- What will everyone be like?
Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.
- Will they all be weirdos?
Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.
- Will I fit in?
More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.
- Am I kinky enough?
YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.
- Am I too kinky?
NO! There is no such thing.
- Do I need to know what I’m into?
Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.
- What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?
You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.
- What if it’s boring?
Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.
- What if it’s not for me?
It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?
You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.
Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership
Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.
Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.
Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.
I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.
In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.
Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.
My top tips for Fetish events would be:
- Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
- If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
- Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
- Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
- Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
- Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.
You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.
I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.
I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.
There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.
What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.
If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.
This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.
I’ve written quite a few blog posts about the friendships I’ve formed since I joined the kink scene, and the last few days I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot.
I don’t require much from my friends, the only main prerequisite for being my friend is that I like you. It’s really that simple. You don’t have to be able to do anything for me, or give me a certain amount of attention per week. I have a friend who I don’t speak to for months at a time, but if he knocked on my door right now, I’d absolutely welcome him in, no questions asked.
I don’t ask my friends to fight my battles for me or agree with me on everything. I am more than happy to agree to disagree on certain subjects. I don’t expect you to like the people I like, or dislike someone just because I do. Even Bakji, who is a very special friend indeed, you know the sexy romantic kind of friend, I don’t even expect him to keep the same company as me, or ditch people if I don’t personally like them as much as him.
You don’t need to message* me all the time, or invite me to everything you do to be my friend. All I ask is that we enjoy each other’s company when we have it. Whether we are meeting for coffee or going to a kink event. *Hilariously spell check wanted me to change this to massage, for the record I don’t requires massages for friendship either.
I am not always a present friend. Before I get to be any other part of myself the thing I have to be first is a mum. My instinct is to keep my mothering very separate from everything else, so I won’t insist on my friends joining me and my small human on our many adventures. If however you are my friend, and you have a burning desire to come on our adventures you are very welcome.
This blog and the podcast also take up a huge amount of my time. It is quite honestly a full-time job. Between finding guests, social media endeavours, blog posts and recording, there isn’t actually a lot of time left in the week. Add to that the fact I have other writing projects I’d like to complete one day, and there is even less time left.
Then there’s Bakji, the person who get first dibs on my spare time, and I have no desire to change that. I enjoy my time with him immensely and it’s important to me that we keep our kinky fun alive, sometimes when all the podcasting is done, there’s only enough energy for cuddles. We have to work to make our kink happen sometimes, we don’t live together, the time we can spend together in a week is limited, so I think it makes sense that I’m keen to get sexy with him when the chance arises.
I also have a regular job, and a dad, and non-kink friends. I’ve had days where I’ve had plans and I’ve had to give them all up to go and do an unexpected school run due to illness.
Even when I’m doing all these things though I am always at the end of the phone. My whatsapp is always open. I’m happy to give opinions, listen to problems, hear exciting news, talk about the weather. Honestly whatever pops into my messages I will look at and I will answer.
I know that friendships change and evolve, we become better friends with some people, but other people not so much. Some friends become better over time, other people we grow apart from. This has never really struck me as a terrible thing, it’s just life. Have some friends left my life that I’d still like to hear from occasionally? Of course, but I don’t judge them or myself for their absence, it’s just one of those things.
In these days of social media we can follow a lot of our friends on a variety of platforms, nearly all my kinky friends are connected my one medium or another. I’ve had friends that were romantically involved no longer be so, where I’ve been closer to one than the other, I’ve never unfollowed a person on that basis though. I’m still happy to cheer them on and wish them well in life and social media is often a nice way to do that. Especially when so many of my friends are doing rope, seeing their rope journeys unfold is fascinating.
Part of my reflection this week though is whether or not I’ve got this whole friendship thing wrong, maybe I don’t put in enough effort, maybe I’m to carefree about what it means to be a friend. All because someone I knew I wasn’t that close to anymore saw fit to unfollow me and unfriend me on every common social media platform we have. It’s a not even a block, or a case of account deactivation. So I can still follow her should I want to, but she has no desire to see anything I’m saying or doing. It feels like a very passive aggressive way of ended a friendship, I would rather have had a frank conversation where I was called out for being a total bitch, if that’s the case.
Now I’m left wondering, ‘do I still click the love button on her posts’, or have I not done that enough? Was my friendship contingent on social media likes?
I feel like this shouldn’t matter, that I shouldn’t care. I think the reason it bothers me though is that the only real life friends or even acquaintances that I unfollow or unfriend on social media are ones that have a negative effect on me. So I’m left wondering did my presence in her life have a negative effect on her? If this was the case I would have liked my right to reply, so to speak, and been allowed to change any situation that I caused that made her deem me unsuitable friend material.
I don’t really censor myself here on my blog, and if you listen to the podcast you get a pretty accurate portrayal of who I am and now and again I’ll do a post like this that is quite hard, this issue is upsetting for me, I am sad that for reasons unknown I clearly made someone feel shit. So I’d love some feedback.
- What is important to you in friendships?
- What do your friends need to do to make you feel valued?
Maybe if I can gain a greater sense of what people are looking for in a friendship, I can understand where I went wrong.