Tag: Fetish Community

Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

There are many branches of non-monogamy, some of which are more familiar overall than others, but all of which are misunderstood by anyone not well versed in them. Cuckolding is no different. Within the kink community anyone who is engaged with cuckolding, if doing it in a healthy manner, will have consent from all parties involved, boundaries and/or limits they adhere to and lots of communication.

There are as many ways to conduct a cuckolding relationship as there are people into it. It isn’t one size fits all and we shouldn’t assume everyone does it for the same reasons. Yes many men who identify as a cuckold will be into humiliation and that will be huge part of the dynamic with his partner, however many men will not engage in the humiliation element of cuckolding and their dynamic will focus on other aspects that cuckolding can encourage.

The paragraph above was very gender specific, which is something I normally try to avoid, but I specifically went there because when most people think of cuckolding they think of a cisgendered heterosexual man, whose wife or certainly female partner is cheating on him with another man or multiple men. As with most, if not all kinks though, cuckolding does not have to be, and is not gender specific. People can be into cuckolding no matter their gender, sexuality or kink identity.

If It Isn’t Always About Humiliation, What is It About?

Validation of Choices – Have you ever felt pleased when someone complimented you on a new purchase? Be that shoes or car. Knowing someone else is attracted to your partner can cause that same feeling. That isn’t to say that this kind of validation is needed for people to love or be attracted to their partner, but it can certainly enhance arousal.

Power Exchange – Being stripped of your ability to have input while your partner engages in sexual activity, while you not only get none for yourself but may also be ‘forced’ to watch as they fuck someone else can be an extremely arousing situation for some people. It is worth repeating that these kinds of dynamics need clear negotiation and explicit consent before being embarked upon.

Sexual Arousal – For many people it is arousing to see their partner or hear about their partner being sexual with another person. There will be no more or no less to it than that.

Exploration of Taboos – Exploring and experiencing things we have grown up being told are wrong can be a really powerful sexual motivator. Cuckolding lends itself well to many people exploring a lot of societal taboos.

Escapism – As with many kinks, engaging in cuckolding will be a way of letting go and escaping the everyday for many people. That isn’t to say there aren’t 24/7 lifestyle cuckolds, of course there are. There are probably more casual cuckolds though who simply enjoy it when they can to take a step away from daily grind for a while.

Chastity – Lots of men are into chastity. Not all of them are into cuckolding. However, for some men into chastity one of the things that makes being locked away even hotter is knowing that other penises are free to fuck the woman that owns their very locked up cock.

Humiliation – Why have I have saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.

Cuckold? Really? Can We Have Another Word?

The origin of the word cuckold comes from the Cuckoo* bird’s habit of laying its eggs in another birds nest, therefore the unwitting bird will raise offspring that is not its own. Originally being used to refer to men whose partners were deceiving them by sleeping with another man, or men who were unwittingly raising another man’s offspring. With means that it is a somewhat imprecise term for many people who are into cuckolding.

IMG_7318.JPGAlternatives are thin on the ground though, and probably don’t provide many better options. HotWife lifestyle is probably the only other descriptive that offers similar activities but without the associated negative connotations of its roots being in infidelity and humiliation. However I am well aware many people would not feel it is suitable for them, and I am neither supporting nor condemning it.

*Because disclaimers are all the rage I feel obliged to mention that not all species of Cuckoo do this. I do not want to offend any non-cuckolding Cuckoos or any Ornithologists.

When it comes to terminology, there are some options but again I don’t think they feel like the right fit for everyone. Especially if gender specific terms are not appropriate or wanted.

Cuckquean – Female variant of a cuckold

Bull – Man with whom a cuckold’s partner is having sex

Cuckcake – Woman with whom a cuckqueans partner is having sex

What if you are the partner who is free to enjoy sexual encounters while your cuckold stays home or watches the fun in some cases? You may be a CuckQueen (note this is different to cuckquean), Cuckoldress or HotWife. Interestingly male versions of these terms do not seem to exist, so make of that what you will.

Surely If The Terms Don’t Fit Your Kink Is Something Else?

Yes and no. There is a specific element of cuckolding that you don’t get with other branches of non-monogamy or kink. While your partner is fucking someone else, you aren’t. You’re not fucking them and you’re not fucking anyone else either. Maybe you’re watching, maybe you’re sat at home alone or maybe you’re at work knowing your partner is getting their kicks anywhere but with you. Why someone is turned on or content with that might vary, but the specific nature of cuckolding means that you are not providing the sexual pleasure.

Perhaps if we saw more positive and honest examples of this particular kink we would be able to move away from the negative and sometimes incorrect assumptions that usually come with it.

Floss Is Wrong and She’s Ruining My Life

Wow! Sucks to be you then.

On a more serious note I realise that for people who live this lifestyle I may not be supporting the truths of how they view cuckolding and what that means to them. Unfortunately though no matter who you are or what your kink is, it is going to evolve and cuckolding is no different.

It is evolving and as such demanding people do it in one particular way is going to achieve nothing. The ‘one true way’ BDSM folk are dwindling, though still existing I grant you that, because their reluctance to accept new and/or alternative ideas makes them seem unpleasant and elitist.

Surely someone understanding, supporting and embracing something even if only from time to time is better than them having no outlet for their desires and being unfulfilled.

Before, during and after I wrote this I perused cuckolding forums and cuckolding groups on Fetlife and Reddit to ensure I wasn’t making any absolutely absurd claims. I do not want to misrepresent anyone, and I do not speak for the entire kink community on this blog, what I do want to do though is challenge people’s assumptions of a wide variety of kinks and try to encourage more acceptance of not only kink in general, but for kinks that may not be our own.

My blog mainly reaches people who are new to kink and are looking to learn and as such I try present my information in a way that is supportive, non-judgemental; and will hopefully give people a starting point for what may or may not be their kink. For that reason it may not match your own experience if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time.

The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

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How Taboo Is Your Kink? And Why Does It Matter?

How Taboo Is Your Kink?

When we first start exploring our own individual kinks the vast majority of us seem to expect that we will be the only one into our particular kink. In reality I am yet to meet someone who is the only one with their kink. Which means in 3 years I haven’t encountered a single person who has a truly unique kink, in theory everyone I have met, either online or in person could potentially engage in their kink with another person.

An email from a #ProudToBeKinky listener got me thinking about taboo kinks, and how taboo our kinks really are and whether or not that matters. As always I think there are lots of strands of thinking to this. First of all what is taboo in the non-kink world is very different to what is taboo in the kink community. When you don’t have any other kinksters to discuss these matters with, it can be easy to assume your kinks are uncommon and therefore will shock others when you open up about them.

If you type taboo fetishes into google the first entry offers up:

  • Mecaphilia – Fetish for mechanical objects
  • Tickling Fetish
  • Squashing – defined as having someone sit on you chest
  • Scat Play
  • Electrical Stimulation
  • Golden Showers – aka urophilia, watersports, piss play
  • Sex Parties
  • Balloon Fetish
  • Diaper Fetish
  • Furries

I have had personal interactions, by this I mean conversational exchanges, with people who have between them had all but one of those Fetishes. The only one I have never encountered personally is Mecaphilia. While I admit that discussing any of these kinks over dinner with family or over lunch with colleagues is going to raise more than a few eyebrows and will likely lead to the individual opening up being unfairly shamed for their interests, within the kink community the reaction would be a lot different.

Most reasonable and kind kinksters will apply the ‘your kink is not my kink but that’s okay’ line of thinking to most kinks they do not have a desire to engage in. The exception to this would be if your kink is likely to endanger you or someone else, violates another person consent or involves minors.

Am I Saying No Kink Is Taboo?

Definitely not. There are kinks and Fetishes that for understandable reasons will cause people to either wonder if your reasons for engaging in them are safe, sane and consensual or cause someone who is into them to question their own personal beliefs, morality and state of mind. Many taboo kinks have political or social overtones to them than cannot, and should not be overlooked. I think it is important to both accept and understand why more taboo and extreme kinks and Fetishes might be challenging for some people to hear about and/or witness.

There are certainly some kinks that I would advise people to conduct largely in private unless they were certain the company they were keeping would not feel at best uncomfortable and at worse triggered by being exposed to a kink or Fetish that may have negative connotations for them. Interests that I would say often come under this umbrella for many people include but are not limited to race play, rape play and incest play. Also anything that Fetishsizes and glorifies people or parties that are largely condemned as abhorrent.

Just to be clear I am not saying you should be ashamed of or hide even the more taboo kinks, and I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t engage in the with a consenting adult. Being mindful and aware of other people’s feelings though is not the same as hiding away and being shamed.

When I opened this conversation on Twitter a follower kindly shared Ugol’s Law with me.

Ugol’s Law will tell you that for every time someone asks the question, “Am I the only one who likes this?” that the answer will always be no. The law stems from the idea that we have more in common as human beings than we might think. It also suggests that once you start looking for like-minded people, you will inevitably find someone who shares the same feelings, desires, and kink as you do. – From Kinkly.com

So whatever our kink we there will be another person with the same interest. Why then do we find ourselves feeling like we are alone in our desires and why does the question of something being taboo matter?

IMG_7285In a group chat with friends I posed this same question and one of them hit the nail on the head with why this comes up again and again. When you haven’t found like minded friends and/or a like minded partner, you may as well be the only person with your kink. With a world population of 7 billion people the chances of you just bumping into a person with your kink at the local pub or at a work event are pretty slim.

Even when you reach the kink community there are definitely those kinks that feel common place, and it seems like everyone is doing them. BDSM, in its full form of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission and Sadism and masochism, is often used as a blanket term for kink. However it’s quite possible to have a kink or Fetish you are really passionate about and not identify with any of the branches of BDSM. In that scenario I can see how opening up about your specific kink can feel scary even to fellow kinksters.

What is The Solution?

Find a community. This doesn’t mean you have to go to your local munch. Even though I do think this is a great way to actually meet like minded people and increase your chances of meeting someone who will engage in your kink with you. Online communities are also a totally valid way of connecting with people and for the more taboo kinks I think this can be a really good way to feel less isolated.

Also reaching out to people who seem open minded and friendly can often be a great way to share your kinks and be reassured that they’re not as outlandish as you might think. It might even be that they can recommend resources and/or folks with similar interests, even if they are not into it themselves.

Being prepared to start small can often be make or break in whether or not you get to live out your kink not only to its fullest but at all. When you have never considered a kink before being asked to take it to its most extreme is likely to fill most people with a variety of feelings, many of them will make the prospect of trying whatever it is quite daunting. Even those new to spanking, which is am extremely popular kink, are really nervous to give it a try, so being asked to cane someone until they before you’ve tried spanking is going to feel terrifying to most people.

Having some kink is better than having no kink in most situations. If your deepest desire is full on forced feminization, with wig, makeup and a full Latex sissy maid dress, but your partner is wary and wants to start out with lace panties and stockings, then go with that. People take time to find their own comfort zones, especially when it isn’t their specific kink they are exploring. Many kinks crossover though and we can find enjoyment through embracing our own kinks while indulging other people in theirs.

While acknowledging your kink and starting to explore it can often feel isolating and daunting, there is every chance that you are not alone and that you can and will find someone to engage in it with you. Patience, mindfulness and being proactive in a community with definitely help your chances though. If you have found this because you have you own kink or Fetish that you are uncertain about or feel alone with, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch.

 The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

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Episode 50 – Making Kinkier Friends! One Year of #ProudToBeKinky

Happy Birthday to us. That’s right, we have now been releasing episodes for you for one whole year and what a year it has been. We went back and forth with lots of ideas for this episode, but we decided to get back to basics a little bit and discuss the things that we are constantly repeating and go into detail about why we say them and how you can go about acting on the advice should you wish to.

In episode one, Bakji and friend of the show BlueBen discussed how to make kinky friends. Floss recently gave this episode another listen, and was impressed overall that for a first episode it was pretty darn good, but also felt that we could tweak some of the advice after a year of not only podcasting, but also of getting more involved with the community ourselves as well.

In a good chunk of our episodes we say ‘go to a munch’, so we revisit this and discuss why we say that and what benefits we see to munches. We also address the fact that your first munch isn’t always going to be life changing and what to do if the munch you attend isn’t what you hoped for.

We also tackle Fetish events. Which in episode were discussed on the basis of go with friends only. However in the time we have been doing the podcast I have learnt that many larger events are doing meet and greets before the event kicks off, and we’ve also discovered that many smaller events do allow for more of a chance to socialise and meet new people.

Fetlife gets a mention as do our friends over at TheCage.co, as we talk about how best to navigate online platforms and what their uses are. This leads us to a bit of a discussion, where Floss might be a bit ranty about how certain people conduct themselves when sending messages online.

There is also some fun and frivolity, we both talk about some of our favourite episodes, things we love about doing the podcast and what, if anything we’ve learnt in the past year.

This podcast has become a huge part of our lives, and it’s been an unbelievable amount of hard work, but it has been worth every minute of it. Through the podcast we have connected with amazing people all across the world, some of those people have been guests, some listeners and we are so happy to say that many of them have turned into wonderful friends.

For anyone who has missed Floss’ social media posts about us turning one, we just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has listened, given feedback, supported and encouraged us. Each and every one of you has made this experience even better and we can’t wait to see what the next year of podcasting brings.

As always you can contact us via hello@proudtobekinky.com, you can also contact us on Twitter, instagram, Fetlife and Facebook. You can also swing by our Patreon page, and check out our spinoff podcast FemDom and Fetish Fun. As well as our new feature that is coming soon Aftercare Sandwich.

We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network, with Off The Cuffs, Drinks with God, Parking Lot Radio and the Will Sean Podcast. You can find us all on most podcast apps, and if you listen on the Apple Podcast app you can leave us all an awesome 5 star review.

Episode 49 – Pain and Sensation Play

Pain play and sensation play are our focus this week. We discuss what we mean when we talk about Sadism and masochism, and how pain can be sexy and what you can do if you’d like to try some new sensations but don’t think pain is for you.

We have mini debate over what classes as sexy pain, stingy, thuddy or something else entirely. This leads to us having a bit of a run through of what the difference between the two is, and why they lead to different sensations.

While many us might identify as a Sadist or a masochist, or perhaps like Floss you’re a bit of both and like to claim the Sadomasochist label, that doesn’t we all enjoy pain in the same way though. Both Bakji and Floss enjoy pain in very different ways, and their approach to pain play also differs greatly. We discuss our own personal takes on pain, what we enjoy and why we enjoy it.

As we always say we’re not experts when it comes to the kinks we discuss, but we do try to share what safety and instructional information we do have. We do highly recommend though that if you are looking to engage in some of the things discussed for the first time that you do your research and due diligence before diving straight into the action. If you need any further information and you’re not sure where to find it, do please get in touch.

The focus of this episode does fall a lot toward the pain play side of things, however we are aware that some people really aren’t into pain at all, but may enjoy different sensations during a scene, so we try to cover some of those too.

You can as always send feedback for this episode via our email hello@proudtobekinky.com, or our social media platforms; Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. You can also visit us at our Patreon page, www.patreon.com/proudtobekinky, where you can find our spin-off podcast, FemDom and Fetish Fun.

We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network along with Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God, the Will Sean Podcast and Parking Lot Radio. We are all available on Apple podcast and most other podcast apps, if you chose player allows for reviews please do leave one for us as it really is helpful in letting other people know we are worth a listen.

Torture Garden Special

One of the events that gets mentioned most within the kink community is Torture Garden. When we started going to lots of London events I lost track of how many people asked us if we’d been, and were then surprised when we said no. There were two reasons I took my time in going, 1. I felt like I’d enjoy it more in a group and 2. I was really uncertain about the strict dress code.

This Halloween though we decided to take the plunge and off we went to our very first TG. Prior to going myself I’d heard various things about it, some good and some bad. All of which made me wonder exactly what I’d be walking into. The reality was that I loved it. In fact we love it so much we are going back in December. While I appreciate it won’t be for everybody, no event suits everyone’s taste, and TG is no different, for some of you it will be amazing.

First of all, I was 100% right about going with a group. Myself and Bakji have attended many events just the two of us, and that’s actually how we made some of the friends we went with to TG. At certain event you can mingle and socialise a little, at TG I do not see that happening unless you already know a few people. It is busy, it is loud and people are in hedonism mode, having fun and revelling in a good time, I don’t think sitting down for a chat with a potential new friend is on anyone’s agenda. I think if you went solo, you would feel really lost and probably never go to an event. If you are a couple that can entertain each other well, you will probably enjoy yourselves, ideally though I’d say gather a little group together and really go for it.

So we found our group (and what a lovely bunch of humans they are too), bought our tickets, had a place to stay for the night (God bless friends who have a spare room), all that was left was to find an outfit! AN OUTFIT! For Torture Garden! How could I ever compete with the wonderful flamboyant creations you have to have to set foot inside this most awesome of events? Well I got in, so apparently I cracked it. My advice for anyone looking to go to TG who is worried about an outfit would be as follows:

  • Make an effort – if you are able to go all out and can invest both the time and money in a gorgeous creation, then go for it. Those outfits are a delight to view. If you can’t though you can still make a great outfit with key Fetish inspired pieces, working to the theme might help too.
  • Make-up is your friend –  Even if you’re a fella. Maybe especially if you’re a fella. Dramatic, all out make-up costs less than, dramatic all out Latex, but the effect can be incredible.
  • Be hair raising (or raise your hair) – Dramatic hair is another thing that makes a huge impact on your look. I crimped my hair, and it went big and wild and it really suited the theme of the night.
  • Latex – it frustrates some people that Latex is an automatic in to places like this (unless it’s stripy trousers, stripes are evil it seems), but if you’re new and uncertain Latex is a winner. Maybe combining it with awesome make-up, hair and accessories is a good way to make the extra effort.
  • Plan ahead – give yourself time to order from online stores, do our research into a good outfit, and give it some trial runs so you know you’re happy with it.
  • Pinterest – such a good place to get ideas for any outfit theme
  • Use the TG email – Decide on what you’re wearing and you can actually email TG and ask them if it will be suitable, they have people ready and willing to give you advice so that you don’t get turned away.

For anyone wondering what I actually wore, I was too excited to remember to take a photo, so I will have to explain it. Bottom half was fishnet tights, with high waist Latex knickers over the top of them. Then on my top half I wore a long sleeved fishnet top, and my new Xenia bra from Twisted Lingerie. It wasn’t crazy elaborate but it felt sexy and I really enjoyed wearing it.

As I mentioned previously TG is loud and it’s busy, which leads me to a couple of other tips. Decide on a meeting place and know you can land their should you get estranged from your group, then if you’ve lost someone check in on the meeting place and make sure no one has been stood their for two hours waiting to be rescued. Once you’ve been a few times I’m sure it gets easier to navigate, but as a TG newbie it feels like a total maze, though I think we only have a few more event at this particular venue, so this might not be a valid point for alternate venues.

One unfortunate thing that happens when somewhere is very busy, is that it gets very hot, and when I say very, I mean VERY. Think gates of hell type heat, it was frickin’ warm people. If you are like me and are a bit susceptible to overheating, please take regular fresh air breaks and drink plenty of fluids, and not just the alcoholic kind, the water kind too. I forgot about both these things and did have a little attack of melting, thankfully we’d had an awesome time up until this point because it did mean we had to head home to bed, and it wasn’t a sexy heading to bed. It was the ‘Floss falling onto the bed dying and Bakji taking her shoes off’ kind of going to bed.

As I say though, up until that point we’d had an awesome time. I’ve often heard people say that while this is a kink event, and there are dungeon areas available, that sometimes the best way to have fun is just to focus on the kink less and enjoy the party. I think on the whole I would agree with this. That’s pretty much the approach we took and we have a great time. The beauty of an event like this though is that your behaviour can be overall more kinky wherever you are and it is in keeping with the vibe of the night. For example, forcing your partner to lick your nipples while sat on a bench in a normal club would be frowned upon, however at TG I don’t think anyone even noticed us doing this!

That’s not to say there isn’t room for kink, there was definitely plenty of that happening, and my bottom may have got involved in an awesome spanking, once again having kinky friends is awesome! I also discovered that simultaneously bottoming and Topping is actually a lot of fun! Thank you to the kind and sexy people who helped me discover this. On top of that we also danced a lot, I may have got a bit merry thanks to my old friend Southern Comfort and we generally just enjoyed the sexy fun and made the most of our first experience of TG. I could tell we had fun because when we woke up the next day there was glitter everywhere, neither of us wore glitter out, so coming home covered in it always indicates a lot of fun was had.

That pretty much covers our experience, as I say we loved TG and we will definitely be going back, December tickets have already been bought. If you’re still not sure if it’s for you, but you are curious please feel free to get in touch, you can use my contact form on this site or you can email me via hello@proudtobekinky.com 

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