Tag: Emotional Well-being

[Life] Me, Myself and Harry Potter

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I’m a big fan of encouraging self care in others, I think it is really important to look after both your physical and your emotional well-being. Seeing as I realise the importance of this one would think that I am excellent at my own self-care, in this case one would be wrong. I suck at self-care, I’m terrible at identifying I need some me time until I’m so desperate for it that it’s move from nice to necessary. I am trying to be better though and this means knowing what works for me and what doesn’t.

What activities do you indulge in to take care of you?

I like the gym and I like healthy food. Well when I say I like them, I mean it’s tough to stick to them both but oh my goodness they do make me feel so looked after. I mostly cook vegetarian and vegan dinners these days and my body feels so much better for it. I eat a wide range of food, I’m well supplemented where necessary and well versed on what is and isn’t good for me, so no need for anyone to panic that my diet isn’t satisfactory. (As happened when I mentioned vegan cooking on Twitter!)

Continue reading “[Life] Me, Myself and Harry Potter”

[Life] Mental Health Matters #1

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Mental health and the support people receive when they are affected by less than stellar mental health is a subject close to my heart, but not one I ever write about in any detail. I sometimes make a passing comment about how I need to be careful when it comes to my mental well being, but no more than that.

The reason I don’t write about it isn’t because I’m ashamed and I don’t think suffering with mental health issues makes me less awesome, my reasons for not writing about it are twofold. My first experiences with opening up about how I felt didn’t encourage me to discuss things further, and secondly I’m aware my struggles aren’t as bad as others, so I sometimes feel my story isn’t as important to share.

Continue reading “[Life] Mental Health Matters #1”

[Kink] Drop Is Real

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


Drop is something I have been on a real journey with in personal terms. When it comes to other people I really do encourage everyone to take drop seriously. Learn what is most likely to trigger it for you, accept that you will need to give yourself time to come through it, and most importantly do not be afraid to speak up when you are suffering from drop. It did however, take me a long time to take my own advice.

My first experience of drop was horrid, it wasn’t long after I joined the kink scene and it honestly made me reflect on my experiences in a largely negative way. Luckily by this point I had made good friends, and they looked after me and let me know what I was experiencing and offered me some of the tools I needed to get through it. It also presented me with an opportunity to reflect on what I wanted out of kink going forward.

Once I got a handle on what things I was more into and what I wasn’t my occurrences of drop reduced, and I became far better at judging what might cause drop and I was happy to deal with it in my own way afterwards. For me this meant taking time to do things I enjoyed, baths, reading, nice food, things like that were good for me. What getting through drop didn’t involve was other people.

Early on when experiencing drop I hadn’t quite got to grips with aftercare, and I definitely hadn’t come to terms with needing to ask other people for things. Especially not things like cuddles and affection. When I started playing with Bakji I didn’t need to ask for these things. I remember the first time we did more intimate play, and afterwards he was plying me with hugs and all I could say was words to the effect of ‘You don’t need to hug me, I don’t really need much aftercare’. This is hilarious looking back, because I was so ignorant of my own needs.

Luckily Bakji is big on physical affection and he told me that he would like to hug, if that was okay with me. So we began the process of getting me used to hugs, and then finding that actually they were pretty awesome and really effective in making me feel less droppy! With great aftercare in place I went a long time with  no drop at all. Then when Bakji started learning to suspend me, it was something I had to deal with again.

Our afternoon suspension lessons often started with a good natter with our friend MasterMHatter, who was kind enough to offer his knowledge to help Bakji learn. Then we’d do the ropey goodness, then I would dash off to work. Throughout my shift on those afternoons I would be left feeling pretty low. I felt awful having to discuss this with Bakji, I didn’t want him to think it was a reflection on how much I enjoyed being in his ropes. We did discuss it though, and we all made efforts to reorganise those afternoons so that I had more time for aftercare afterwards, and that really helped.

Again we moved into a long period of no drop. Then we switched. Bet you can guess what came next, yep, Top-Drop! If anything this was even harder for me to accept in myself than subdrop. However I fly so high when Topping, that it makes sense that sometimes there will be a bit of a come down. In those early days of Topping it was quite frequent. Luckily for me Bakji was ever vigilant and it was actually him who suggested this was why I was feeling a bit low on certain days and going forward we made sure I was getting aftercare, no matter which side of the slash I was playing on.

I must admit that sometimes I’ve felt guilty about my need for aftercare in relation to it easing my drop. Rationally I know this is ridiculous, I know that communicating these needs is healthy for both me and whoever I’m playing with. I don’t ever want it to feel like a burden though, which is how I felt about it in those early days, like I was being needy or demanding. Thankfully Bakji has been awesome for helping me embrace and enjoy the benefits and delights of aftercare, which in turn has helped me relate to my own instances of drop better.

Aftercare is definitely the main thing for me to avoid drop. Its presence doesn’t make lack of drop a certainty, especially if it was an especially intense scene, or other emotions, or factors of life are in play at the same time too. If I do drop though I am far kinder to myself than I used to be, this includes not pushing myself to deal with it alone. I always reach out to Bakji and let him know if I’m struggling, I ask for extra cuddles when it’s possible and I do things for myself that make me feel good.

I would encourage anyone who feels like the might be susceptible to drop to speak about with their partner/s sooner, rather than later and be kind to yourself, I gave myself far too much of a hard time over something that is actually completely understandable.

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Handling Negative Emotions

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


This follows on quite well for me from my last post from the 30 days of D/s on communication. For nearly all of my life I’ve handled negative emotions in the same way, by keeping them secret until they cause me so much turmoil they cause absolute chaos. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that this is a terrible way to handle things. There’s not many things I would make a hard and fast statement about in relation to other people but this is one of the times I will, if you are someone who does this, please find a way to stop, now. Start opening up and trusting people, find a good therapist, have horribly awkward conversation with your nearest and dearest, but do whatever it takes to start talking about the negative emotions you have.

My inability to talk about the negative thoughts I have had in the past has led to situations that have totally changed my life. There is so much more to that statement than I can share in this blog post, in part because it involves stories about myself I’m not ready to share yet. One day I will, because it’s part of the healing, but I’m not quite there yet.

These days I try much harder to be open about the negative thoughts I might be having. This has been helped by a couple of things, firstly developing friendships where just unleashing the crazy in my head is totally acceptable, whether I’m looking to vent or looking for advice and secondly by Bakji having a bizarre sixth sense for when I’m not feeling quite myself, even if we are only exchanging messages whatsapp.

When it comes to engaging in kink, there is no room for hiding negative emotions really. I’m not saying we can’t play when we are feeling less than 100%, but sometimes the way we play might need to be adjusted, some things might not be suitable if you’re already feeling teary, or having a particularly bad day for body image. Whoever we are playing with needs to know that they aren’t going to inadvertently make things worse for us. They can’t possibly know these things unless we open up about our the negative emotions we are having.

Last week was a hard one for me, nothing too serious, just very little time to myself to collect my thoughts and poor sleep left me feeling a little bit low, in both mood and energy. When I feel this way hugs and care can make me feel tearful, and being tearful in front of someone else is hard for me. So the following weekend I wasn’t as affectionate or as playful as I might usually have been. Which doesn’t exactly make Bakji feel good about things. It wasn’t until we discussed this a little that I was able to recognise the situation I have just described, once he knew where I was at things felt much better, but only by sharing my negative emotions could we move forward.

I think sometimes we can see sharing negative emotions as moaning, or being a burden. By not sharing though we are often shutting those close to us out, and that can create negative emotions in them, and it just becomes a cycle that becomes harder and harder to fix.

When you add a D/s dynamic into the mix I can see where people might face more reasons to talk themselves out of sharing. D-types might feel like they need to constantly be the pillar of strength, but we are all human, and sometimes offering someone the opportunity to support you or lift you up when you are feeling down can be a wonderful chance for them to feel good about helping you. Or perhaps you’re an s-type that’s excited for a scene, or there’s tasks to be completed and your state of mind is going to make this less achievable, only by sharing can your D-type handle these situations appropriately.

At the end of the day whether we are a couple engaging in light kink, a D/s partnership 24/7 or a non-kink couple, we are all people, with feelings, and sometimes those feelings aren’t good and we need extra care, extra support and someone to show us kindness and compassion. They can only do that if we speak up though.

We should all be in a partnership, or partnerships if you’re non-mono or friends if you’re single that make speaking openly about our feelings possible, if that isn’t happening please start finding good people to embrace who can off the extra kindness that is required when you are in need of it.

I’m also a big fan of being honest with myself. Why do I feel these emotions? What can I do for myself to feel better? Sometimes it’s hard to be honest about why we are feeling negative emotions because sometimes that means facing hard truths. I’ll give a personal example to better describe my thinking.

This week my son, who is 5 is on holiday with his Dad, Step-mum and her family. They are awesome people and I love them dearly. This holiday will be amazing for him as he gets to go on a place and spend the week doing all the things 5 year olds love. I was the partner who left our family situation and decided to go it alone. Yet this week I still feel a little bit sad that we aren’t doing that as the original family unit that we created together. This is a really hard issue for me to address, I love my life now, I have great friends, a Bakji I adore, a podcast, a blog and so much more. But my old life was awesome too, just not in a way that was fulfilling for me, so sometimes I do mourn that it didn’t work out as I’d hoped with my ex.

I’ve shared this with Bakji too, and we didn’t discuss it in great detail because that wasn’t the need, sharing it was what I needed to do. Then I asked myself what I needed to do for me in this parent free week. The answer, work flippin’ hard on the things that matter, so podcast and blog have been getting some love. Because I know that when I’m off doing Mum things next week I will be so pleased to have my little dude’s face back, but also I’ll be wondering how I’ll fit any of ‘my things’ in between now and back to school. Knowing I’ve done loads this week will really help combat that. Especially if I can get blog posts written and scheduled.

While having a support network is awesome, and I think absolutely vital, being able to self-sooth is also a really helpful skill to develop. That will look different for everyone and sometimes it might not be what we expect. I find comfort in having a nice hot shower, put on my Harry Potter PJ’s and listening to Harry Potter on audiobook. For me there’s something familiar about those things that help me relax. It wouldn’t work for everyone, but I found something that works for me and that is what counts.

Looking after our mental well-being is vital, so I urge everyone to do what they need to do to keep their mind happy and healthy.