“The day I changed was the day I quit trying to fit into a world that never really fit me” – JM Storm
I’m not very good at doing things that help me to fit in when they go against the nature of who I am. I was lucky as a kid because my Mum always encouraged me to be myself, even when she didn’t necessarily see what the appeal was of my decisions. As a pre-teen, I was massively into dressing in tie-dye clothes and had no desire to try and make parts of my outfit coordinate with the others.
As a teenager, I enjoyed experimenting with different looks and never quite dressed the same as everyone else, but I was happy doing my own thing and always felt more uncomfortable when I did dress to fit in. When I was with my ex-husband I was probably in my most conservative phase ever when it came to hair, clothes and make-up. Not really for any reason other than it’s just how my tastes evolved.
When my marriage ended it wasn’t for one easy to explain reason. It was a lot to do with the grief I felt after losing my second pregnancy and how that made my brain spiral into a totally different person to who my ex-husband recognised. I also felt like I had woken up in a world that I absolutely didn’t fit into anymore. Being a wife and being a mum was all I had and I didn’t understand how I had no spirit of adventure anymore and no hints of who I used to be were left at all.
Sadly because I wanted to explore those parts of myself again but my ex didn’t really understand why and didn’t entirely support things like lots of tattoos, ever-changing hair and wacky clothes it made me pull away and feel unloved. Even though he did still love me, I know he did, but because of how I felt I had stopped loving him in the same way. I changed and ultimately I decided I didn’t want to fit into that life we had built together. I don’t regret my decision because it has resulted in the life you read about on this blog, but there is always a sense of sadness when I think back to how things ended for us.
However, since then I have refused to try to fit into anyone else’s idea of who I should be. I realised that my issues weren’t with being a wife and a mother, or even those things being such large parts of my identity. My issue was with not being able to express myself in the ways I wanted to whilst also being a wife and mother.
When it became clear that things were getting a bit more serious between Mr F and me, I knew it would only work out if he accepted me as I was. Which meant accepting my sometimes strange clothing combinations, ever-changing hair colours, passion for collecting tattoos and of course, my blog. He was actually asked by our boss, who knows I’m into kink and that I have a blog that has ‘erotic stuff’ on, but has never actually seen it, if it bothered him what I did on the blog and knowing all the stuff I was into kink wise. One of the reasons he’s a keeper in my eyes is because he said no, but he also told her that if he did have an issue that would be a ‘him problem’ and not a me problem, so he wouldn’t be with me if he couldn’t accept my interests.
That is the only kind of partner I am interested in having because for whatever reason I need to be able to be the version of me that can experiment with hair, clothes and make-up. It might seem trivial to some people but I need my bodily autonomy and I don’t want to be answering to someone else about whether or not I can get another tattoo or dye my hair a new colour.
Mr F’s acceptance of me being exactly who I am is the reason I feel so content in my life with him. I get to be a pregnant mama who also shares photos of her naked body, I also know that he is still up for going on adventures once baby has arrived. Which is something I didn’t necessarily have in a partner when I had Small Human.
It’s also important to me that Small Human (and Tiny Belly Human once he arrives) know that they don’t have to fit into anyone else’s version of who they should be. Small Human gets to make choices about his clothes and his hair, and they aren’t always the decisions I’d make if I put myself in charge of his entire look, but that’s okay, his body isn’t my body and so long as he is safe and happy how he wears his hair isn’t really the biggest concern.
I want both my boys to know that their style choices, their lifestyle choices, romantic choices and all other parts of the personal identity will not impact how much I love them or accept them. It is important to me that no matter how crap the world may or may not treat them, or if they find it to fit into the world that they will always fit in when they are with their Mum. Always.
In my own little bubble at home I fit in just as I am and now my biggest hope is that I can offer the same to those I love.