‘Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow’ – Cherise Sinclair
I will be really interested to read all the posts for this week’s Quote Quest because as soon as I read it my gut instinct was that it was a quote I didn’t identify with. I read it over and over, considering it from a few different aspects and I always end back at the same line of thinking, this quote is definitely not how things work for me.
I understand where the quote is coming from and that is why I am curious to see how others explore it, especially those folks who do identify with it. While I was pondering how I felt about the quote I found myself acknowledging that I need to be far away from fear for trust to grow. Now maybe I just read too much into the word ‘fear’ but fear for me is not going to be conducive to any relationship growing stronger.
Ultimately if I have fears of any kind regarding a relationship then they will always hold me back in some way. I think I might have written something different before I met Mr F, but the absence of fear in our relationship has made me reflect on how present it was in some past dynamics and how that lead to me keeping my guard up because I was fearful of certain aspects of the relationship, the future or my partner’s feelings.
In terms of kink or sex, this thought process really isn’t any different. The moment I feel fearful in any way about doing something my body is going to make it known that proceeding really isn’t a pleasurable option.
I feel much the same about a partner being the one who is holding on to some kind of fear with regards to their relationship with me. Again, it is the absence of this that has on reflection made me realise how damaging a sense of fear in a partner can be. It makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me that keeps them from putting their faith in me, almost like I’m not good enough to take a chance on. Which in turn gives my own fear a reason to exist and that’s a cycle that leads to nowhere special.
I want to be clear that this is definitely a personal viewpoint about how I process things. I know some people have good reasons to hold onto fear in various aspects of relationships and perhaps that gives the quote above a whole different meaning. That’s never been the case for me though and thinking about this now and looking back I realise how sad it made me that someone could hold onto to so much fear about loving me, being open with me or connecting with me in ways that felt good regardless of past experiences.
That sadness and disappointed wasn’t something I acknowledged at the time, I think I knew it was there but I just made excuses for it and focused on the things that were good. The negative feelings though they turned inwards and they were used as a reminder to always hold a little bit back from that person because they weren’t all in.
With Mr F there were so many reasons he could have held back and been fearful of getting involved with me and yes there were moments before we were officially a couple where those worries were evident, for both of us. The difference being is it never held either of us back not emotionally or physically.
I know out of the two of us I’ve probably been the one who has brought fears from past relationships with me. Moments where I was scared to say or do a certain thing because I assumed Mr F would react in a certain way, he has never let those fears take hold though, the moment they became apparent he would just point out that I was assuming something incorrectly and I’d just let it go because in truth he’s never given me any reason to fear he wasn’t genuinely right there with me in how I felt.
Maybe those moments where I was overly cautious but put my faith in Mr F instead of giving in to the fear is what the quote above is really about. Those moments only transformed though because Mr F wasn’t filled with the same caution as me. Also because they were fleeting. When fear gets to stay put and take hold, or even worse if someone’s actions confirm I am right to be fearful then the time for trust to blossom in its place is long gone.
One thing that did make me smile as I pondered this topic though was how often I’ve willingly allowed myself to be scared whilst in Mr F’s presence. If your first guess is that we’ve taken to indulging in fear play, you’d be wrong, well, mostly wrong.
Before we were officially dating I saw an opportunity to hang out with Mr F watching movies, he said he liked horror movies but didn’t often have anyone to watch them with. Prior to that moment, I could count on one hand the number of horror movies I’d seen and two were when I was a teenager and they scared me so much I refused to watch any movies of that genre again. I was willing to go back on that decision though if it meant spending more time with Mr F.
With that, we embarked on our movie watching adventure together. Mr F would pick the movie, we’d usually eat together, watch the movie then afterwards we would have mega hot fucking. By his own admission, something about that routine got Mr F hot and turned on. Is it my fear that turns him on or is the fact I always curl into him as we watch, sometimes burying my face or gripping him tightly when it all gets too much. I suspect it is a little of both, but the fact remains he has openly said he likes it when they scare me shitless and it is always a little disappointing when that doesn’t happen.
He is one of the very few people I would watch these movies with though. Partly because I know I’m a big wimp, I jump at everything and when it’s really scary I can’t help but be visibly unnerved. Even though he does laugh at me for this and clearly enjoys my discomfort it is in a way that doesn’t make me feel worse. If anything I feel like I’m the lucky one because it takes more to scare him, so he doesn’t get the same fear factor I do from the movies we watch.
This is the only kind of fear we have in our relationship and honestly, it’s the only kind I want. I’m so over being scared of my feelings and scared of what will happen if I feel, say, want or do too much. I’ve been there, done that and realised that even if you think it’s okay at the time, it really isn’t. I don’t want my heart to hurt because it’s holding onto fear and when I think about Mr F, when I look at him and when I hold him my heart feels nothing but boundless joy and for me, that is where the trust can truly grow.