It’s a busy few days for me, muggle work is kicking my ass and will continue to do so until almost a week into January. I actually don’t mind, I enjoy my job and I’m lucky that I get the day shifts and not the ones that can end anywhere from midnight to 2am. This does mean however that my evenings are filled with sleeping and not writing, and my mornings are filled with lots of coffee, and not writing. For the first time since May and I took over F4Thought I didn’t think I’d have anything to contribute for the subject of ‘Lies’.
However, I have found myself in a bit of a situation, one I can’t fully discuss and in some ways, it suits this week’s prompt very well. I may have, as in 100% I have, found myself someone very fuckable who is providing me with very satisfying and unbelievably sexy encounters. I cannot, however, tell you how I met them or anything much about them. For anyone who might worry about me, it’s not because he’s dodgy, he’s also single and free to mingle and the reasons for secrecy are hard to explain without discussing the things I can’t discuss.
This got me thinking about secrets though, and how keeping secrets often turns into telling lies and how tricky the whole web of deceit can become. This week I am struggling with the secret I am keeping, sharing the secret fully, is perhaps impossible, the repercussions may be more than we are willing to handle, yet I have this nagging sense of guilt about the lies we are now having to tell on a continual basis to keep our time together secret.
At one point it was just lies of omission, which didn’t seem so bad. Now, it’s a little more complex, again it’s hard to explain why. No one, in reality, can be or will be hurt by our fucking. We are both entirely free to do just that, but, there are ways in which some people might feel we were irresponsible keeping them in the dark and perhaps out of line finding our way into naked times together full stop.
The sense that I am lying to people though is building inside me, and it actually doesn’t feel great, but the fucking is so damn good, that not lying and risking having to give up what I’ve found feels like an even worse prospect.
I currently have no idea how this will all pan out. I have played out a whole host of scenarios in my head, time and time again, all scenarios end the secrecy and lying. All of them would mean I could share more information than what I currently am, some would see me being pretty sad and others would see me having the type of fucking I’ve craved for a long while.
Reflecting on how I would feel with regards to how my current situation plays out, leads nicely I think to another set of lies I tell and that is the lies I tell myself. I lie to myself too often, especially about romantic and sexual dynamics. I lie to myself to make things run as smoothly as possible for the other person, which is something I reflected on in my recent post about apologising because for me those actions are one and the same. I identify something in myself that I think is less desired, I alter my behaviour, which is akin to apologising for it and then I lie to myself about that being what I want anyway.
The truth is, I don’t want to be anyone’s secret any more. Since I broke up with my ex-husband, which was 6 years ago, every person I’ve engaged with since then has in some way kept me a secret. Now in some cases that secrecy involved outright lies and the situation was damaging and unhealthy for all people involved. In other ways, like with Bakji, it was just that he didn’t share the part of his life I was part of with certain people and therefore I wasn’t part of that segment of his life. I should say this did change a little a few years into our relationship, but for a long time, it wasn’t the case and only now am I realising that I perhaps didn’t feel so great about that.
Here I am again though, the person that someone has to lie about, and honestly folks, I think it’s hurting my heart and my sense of worth. Which means I know I have to make changes, I can’t keep being the person who is okay with doing everything on the down-low, but damn why do I have to make that change now when I have something I want so freakin’ bad.
I know in 2020 I have to move away from phrases like ‘that would be hard to explain’, ‘how would you explain who I am’, ‘how would you explain why I’m here’ because I don’t want my existence in someone’s life to be that fucking complicated. I don’t think I’m asking for a lot in looking for someone who will be okay with saying ‘I like her, we enjoy each others company and yes we’re dating, fucking, intimate, romantically involved (delete as applicable)’. I understand that maybe it’s not always relevant to tell your family, all your friends, colleagues and neighbours everything about your life, but I feel like it must be more relevant than the level of sharing I have become used to.
I’d like to not spend every second of leaving the house with someone worrying as to whether or not I’ll be likely to feel awkward and devalued if we bump into someone and I’m suddenly the subject of much mumbling and denials about being more than friends. FYI this hasn’t happened with my current dalliance, but it’s something I am entirely familiar with.
I know in my heart that my current go-to for fucking isn’t the guy to push this with, for so many reasons and it would be incredibly unfair of me to lay a ton of past issues at his feet and expect him to be the one to make them better. That leaves me in a predicament though. I know I need to make this better for myself, which means speaking up for what I want and being honest when I need more than what I am getting, but how do you do that when you have something you don’t want to let go of.
There are people I have spoken to in more depth about this situation and one of the lines of thinking covered often is just enjoy it while it lasts and I absolutely do intend to do that. It’s me though, you’ve all read my blog, I’m not exactly one for not thinking, and despite what I’d like to believe, I’m also not very good at not feeling. So I feel things and think about things and I have to unravel things in my head and make sense of them, I can’t just keep bumbling along without clarity, it just doesn’t work for me.
It’s all too easy for me to lie to myself, but the truth is always there lurking and right now I know some truths and I am not facing them. They are there, right in my gut though, I know in my heart how things are going to play out for me in the probably not so distant future and I cannot believe my own stupidity in finding myself in a situation that I know is going to fuck me over and leave me absolutely reeling.