[Life] Being Unapologetically Me (Most of the time)


#WickedWednesday, Life, Relationships / Tuesday, December 3rd, 2019

When I saw this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was ‘apologize’ I had two thoughts, firstly I don’t apologise for who I am, secondly, I apologise for who I am all the time and if perhaps I’m not apologising for being me, I am at least trying to be the most suitable version of myself for the person I am dealing with. 

I am lucky, and incredibly privileged, which is something I acknowledge graciously and not to be a boastful arsehole, to be able in most avenues of my life to be unapologetically me. I out myself as queer, kinky and non-monogamous on a regular basis. Even now when all my identities are somewhat in flux, well apart from being a queer hearted girl, that never changes, I am still flying the flag for all my alternative interests and I suspect I always will. 

I don’t have the kind of life that requires me to keep these things secret, unless I want to, which sometimes I do and I have no one left in my life to disappoint, or to upset, or to argue with about the appropriateness of my behaviour and so I just give no shits and let my freak flag fly, because all I’ve got left in this life is to live authentically and make myself as happy as I can be.

I do the same on the blog, I don’t hold back and I have very few secrets from you folks. If I think it, you read it. I have sometimes shared posts that I’ve thought wouldn’t sit well with everyone and I still share them, because I do not want to compromise on being exactly who I am, not here, not in the space I built specifically for sharing my own personal thoughts and experiences. 

Where it is possible, safe and good for your soul I absolutely support other people being exactly who they are without apology, it is liberating, in many ways, but it can also be terrifying and for some folks a compromise to their well-being, so I also understand why many people can’t and won’t be quite as liberal with their sharing as I am. I want to be very clear that I do not underestimate the value in keeping parts of yourself hidden from the world when doing otherwise would be a monumental shit show. 

So here I am, all out and proud and giving no fucks and on top of all that seeing worth in sharing all that with anyone who stops by to read my blog. I won’t lie, there’s a fair amount of self-conviction, self-confidence and self-belief that goes into keeping that up. Which makes me sound like an egotistical douchebag if ever there was one, stay with me though, I am being this honest for a reason, to show that it is never that simple and perhaps I save my apologies for all the wrong things. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships. The ones I’ve been in and the ones I’d like to be in as time moves on. From brief dalliances to my longest relationship, which included marriage and a baby, I realised one thing happens each and every time. I always, without fail, feel the need to apologise for some aspect of myself and while I might nor verbally acknowledge that apology I do make adjustments for what I see as an undesirable feature or emotion. 

One of the things I feel the need to apologise for most is forming any kind of attachment or feeling any kind of affection. Especially in a dynamic that perhaps doesn’t start off as explicitly romantic. Feedback from other people tells me I present as a pretty chill and easy-going kind of lady, which means when I find someone I like I’m very open to keeping things casual, I’m not going to be asking after a week, or even a month, where things are heading, or how I can label our time together. What this means though is that as time moves on, and things develope I’m usually sat with a bunch of feelings I feel are inappropriate and my first instinct is to apologise for them and bury them deep. 

I realised that I am not okay with this. I shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for thinking someone is so goddamn cute that I’d to spend more time with them. I shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for getting butterflies in my tummy when someone affectionately strokes my hair. They are exactly the kind of things I would feel bad about feeling though, and they are thoughts I would bury, and I would certainly overcompensate for any emotions felt, by employing any methods possible to seem like a robot with no emotional capabilities. 

In all the interactions I’ve had since I left my ex-husband I have never once been the person to express what it was I was looking for in a relationship, or express what I felt I was and wasn’t capable of offering. I always listen patiently to someone else’s personal circumstances, hear their take on relationships, what they can offer me and with very little consideration for what that might mean for me, I just go for it and I never, ever expect that person to compromise on their beliefs or initial starting point. 

Me though? Oh, I expect, and sometimes force myself to compromise a whole lot. Over and over again until I get to the point where I feel like I’ve forgotten myself. This is something that is definitely self-imposed and something I need to work on within myself. In so many aspects of life, I’m willing to lay all my cards on the table and just tell the world to take me or leave me, either way, it’s fine by me. When it comes to relationships though, I seem to be reluctant to take the risk that if I actually told someone how it is for me, that they’d decide I was worth making some kind of compromise for. 

I never want to seem like I’m being demanding or high maintenance and I hate the thought that I’d be seen as trying to change someone. It’s very rare that I consider any aspects of my childhood to have affected my approach to relationships, but I grew up watching women try and fail to change men, over and over again. Clear as day the actions of the men around me told the world who they were, yet so many of the women I knew seemed to think love would be enough to make them change their ways. It never ever was.

I think somewhere along the lines I took all that to heart and became a person who didn’t see why it was important to state my own needs within a relationship. I have put so much of myself aside, time and time again, in ways that I can’t even hold the other person accountable because they never even knew that it might have been something that mattered to me in the first place. 

This is something I definitely want to change as life moves forward for me. I have improved my communication skills in terms of sex and kink but am still somewhat lacking when it comes to getting down to the facts of how I feel. Unless of course, I’m writing a blog post to share with my readers, in which case baring my soul seems to come quite naturally. I think I need to take some of that blogging honesty, and courage and sprinkle it about a little when I meet folks out in the world who make me feel things. 

The reason I am so honest here is that I trust all of my lovely readers to have my back. Especially those of you who come back day after day and leave me wonderful, supportive and insightful comments. I know that even if we sometimes have differing views, or experiences don’t line up that doesn’t matter because we’ll support and encourage each other regardless. I do not have that same faith in the people I tangle with romantically or sexually, I always assume there will come a point when enough is enough for them. When the honesty will go too far, or the feelings I have will become too much. 

As it happens I don’t think I’ve ever given anyone the chance to prove me right. It’s all a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy to be honest. In many ways, I don’t think I’m even aware of what I’m doing, I just slowly convince myself of things, that the other person maybe hasn’t even thought, certainly hasn’t said and I’m off in my only little world talking myself out of being who it is I really want to be in that given relationship. 

This is not a cool way to be. In fact, it may be the least cool thing about me and the worst thing about it is that it hurts me far more than it hurts anyone else. I do myself a huge disservice in apologising for and hiding the most loving and most affectionate parts of myself and I think those parts of me deserve to be seen and I know deep down that someone, maybe many someones will embrace them. I also know that I did past partners a disservice by not realising this sooner, I know they were people I could have been more honest with and I wasn’t and that perhaps is an apology for another time. 

17 Replies to “[Life] Being Unapologetically Me (Most of the time)”

  1. very interesting introspective. got me wondering be a sub i seem to apologize wonder f that is just to please others.
    i too am more open here in blogland but getting better in my day to day life
    Thanks for sharing

  2. Lots of stuff in here that many will recognise. For me, I’m nodding at “When it comes to relationships though, I seem to be reluctant to take the risk that if I actually told someone how it is for me, that they’d decide I was worth making some kind of compromise for.”

    The great cynic inside suggests that the other person is just acting – perhaps out of pity. To be forced to come to terms with the fact that they are real, I find that very hard.

    And let me just add a whole load of congratulations on being #1 in the sex bloggers list of 2019. You have so much involvement in and provide a lot of support to the community.

    melody recently posted…A Bit of NeedleMy Profile

    1. Ah thank you Melody ☺️ it’s a real honour, not only to be top of the list which is comprised of flippin’ awesome folks, but to be involved in such an amazing community! It’s made me so soppy! I actually wasn’t sure about this post, I was worried I’d place blame at other people’s feet, or paint others as the bad guys or just make myself seem like a loser, so the feedback on it is actually very reassuring! x

  3. This post cuts through to the heart of many of my thought at present. You post makes me think. It also make me feel which is what I want to thank you for. The need to apologise for myself and to myself , leaves me numb sometimes, a place that is hard to come back from. You words and your honesty is like a dose of stem cells I need to renew and reinvigorate. Thank you x

    1. I am so pleased this post is having such a good reaction! I wasn’t sure if got the time quite right so I’m delighted that doesn’t seem to be the case! And I hope that every one who has responded with also being a profuse apologiser does so a tiny bit less going forward! We are all far too awesome to keep saying sorry for being us! x

  4. I just can’t help apologising, it is something I wish I did less of.

    This is a great introspective post and I love that you are so open and honest with us. I’m pretty sure your readers have your back as and when needed.

  5. I have done this all through my life, not verbally apologizing for who I am, but ‘changing’ myself to be who someone else wanted me to be, and in doing that indeed apologizing for who I am (if that makes sense). I have done this in many relationships, and two of those changed into marriages, and only after too much time I realized I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t being true to them or myself. When I had my second divorce, I swore I will not change myself for anyone, and where I will not say I never did, I definitely didn’t do that for my husband, and sometimes I think that’s why we are so happy, because we are both so true to ourselves, and never apologizing for who we are. You are a wonderful person, Floss, and others should see that too. Just always be who you are.

    Rebel xox

  6. I agree about how liberating honesty and being yourself can be. So much personal stuff on my site that I would never have dreamed I’d write – but felt like a weight left me once it was published.
    I can really understand why you have hidden bits from others in the real world- it is so difficult to put yourself out there and then shoot yourself into such a vulnerable place. What if they don’t feel the same? etc etc -I have been there and to a certain extent being like that became an actual part of who I am. I don’t apologise for that now – my man broke that down – but still I often try and run and hide- but i am older than u – still time for u to sort it
    xx
    May More recently posted…Don’t apologise for your KinkMy Profile

  7. This post has really hit home with me because I do what you do. I apologise for everything – even when I know I’m not wrong.

    I wanna bottle your no fucks attitude and put my big girl pants and post what I want to post because I worry too much I’ll be judged for it and it really stops me writing.

    Thank you for posting this, Floss. I read every word x

    1. It’s strange, because I press publish whether I’m worried about posting or not, but this post was one that I had mixed feelings about sharing but I’m so glad I did!

      My philosophy is write it first, then think about sharing it later. Usually once it’s written I feel a lot more inclined that I should post. And I’ve talked about some niche kinks, had some big rants, declared myself amazing more than once and everyone is still here ☺️ and I know for you sure we’d all do exactly the same for you no matter what you chose to share with us.

      You also have lots of people, myself included, who would gladly read something over before it went live if you ever needed some additional thoughts on whether or not hitting publish is the way to go.

      I can guarantee if you get those big girl panties on, you won’t want to take them off I love the days where I feel full of no holds barred bravery! I want to spread that round and create absolutely mayhem

  8. I so understand this post! In my first marriage I was unhappy—it started on our wedding night. And it seemed I was always apologizing and trying to fit her version of me. When we broke up and I started looking for someone I determined to be brutally honest about my need for sex and my likes/wants. It isn’t easy to be that open and vulnerable but the process brought me to my Queen! Saying what I’m feeling has always been a risk I’ve been willing to take. I highly recommend doing so! If you’re having difficulty in person blog about it and then direct the person to your blog to read the post.
    Relationships are ever growing and changing organisms! You may start intending to remain casual. But over time your focus and desires can change and that’s ok. It may be changing for the other person(s) too. You’ll never know if you don’t take the chance to express your feelings! Stay well Floss and congratulations on reaching the number one spot on the sex bloggers list. Fabulous simply fabulous!

  9. I remember reading early posts from you. At first I was intimidated. Your posts were with such power, confidence, and authority, even when I didn’t agree with everything, I look to myself as the one who didn’t understand it. But as I read more of your posts, the point you make about not wanting to change anyone became much more apparent. For me, you had the effect of helping me find my own voice. I’m no longer trying to please everyone, and I stopped being willing to put my life on hold in the hopes that some miracle would happen and I’d end up in this amazing relationship. Maybe you’re not always honest with yourself, but just maybe, you’ve helped others be more honest with themselves. For that, I want to thank you. xox

  10. Oh,I feel this deeply. I’m also able to share myself unapologetically. I am out and don’t need to hide. It’s wonderful, but I apologise for me a lot. I feel the need to compromise, I struggle to communicate certain emotions (anything I think may cause conflict,basically) and it’s something I know I need to work on. Thanks for sharing this. It’s food for thought for me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.