When I decided upon ‘The things we do for love’ as a topic for Food4Thought I won’t lie, I was thinking of dirty things. Partly inspired by the post I read from Girl on the Net, Anything he wants: love, piss and foolishness, which made me ponder all the delicious, sexy and hopefully filthy things my fellow bloggers might have done in the name of love. I am really hoping I get to read about some of those tales in our link up this week.
As for myself though, I am sad to say I haven’t done anything dirty because of love. I have done many, many things out of love though and as it happens I have been thinking about the decisions I made out of love a lot recently and while I don’t regret them, it is a phase of my life I am, in part, leaving behind.
In my twenties I did a lot of things to support other people, I was a carer, I was a wife and I became a mother. Love was the central focus of my life. I loved people so I looked after them, I fed them, I washed for them, I cleaned for them and I did it all out of love. My natural inclination when I am fond of someone is to start nurturing them and I know that will never change, it’s an integral part of who I am, it is, however, a part of myself that I have realised needs to be moderated.
While I do enjoy being able to do those things for people, they are not enough to keep me invested and excited about a romantic relationship, love, for me, is not enough. I know for many people love and friendship will keep their romantic relationship going indefinitely. Regardless of the presence of passion, lust and dirty adventures that provide beautiful blog fodder. I am not that person, I find love fascinating and I can fall in love and feel all the wonderful things that go along with that, at the end of the day though, love will not keep me by your side unless it’s accompanied by lust.
Will this change one day? Maybe, but maybe not. Will I regret trading love for passion at various points in my life? I seriously doubt it because I know what passion has brought my way in the past five years and I can confirm that passion and lust are amazing bedfellows. So with that in mind, if I’m not doing dirty things for love, why the devil do I do them? And who am I prepared to do them with if not someone I love deeply?
Well, the why is easy, I do them because they feel good, they make me hot as hell and exploring my sexual and kinky interests with someone who turns me on is one of, if not the most, enjoyable thing in the world. I think deep down I’m just a filthy hedonist who likes getting my rocks off and it took me a long time to see that in myself and understand what that meant for me.
I have and will again fall in love with people I’ve been physically intimate with and it feels great, of course, it does. It’s okay with me if I don’t though. I’m happy to fuck someone so long as I trust them, to what extent will vary given on whether it’s a one-off or a more prolonged dynamic. So long as I’m in lust with someone, the fucking can commence, regardless of whether or not love is likely to make an appearance. And the things I’ll do for lust? Well, that is definitely made up of dirty things.
The more I am lusting for someone, the sexier they make me feel, the hornier they make me, the more I will want to do with them. For example, if I send a sexy picture of myself, and the response is a bit tepid, then I’ll pull back a little on the ways in which I want to open myself up to someone. If however I send a sexy picture and the response is ‘that’s made me hard/wet/desperate to fuck you’ then my desire to lay my dirty soul bare is going to increase dramatically.
Love no matter how powerful or all-consuming it is will not get me to confess my dirtiest desires. Love doesn’t make me want to be covered in spunk, love doesn’t make we want to masturbate while I think about sucking someone off, love doesn’t fuel the erotic words that find themselves onto this blog and love will not be the reason I want to push my boundaries and try new things. I have thought in some moments that perhaps it does, but I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and I have to be honest that love is not the thing I am searching for in this life, and love is not the thing that brings me to my knees.
When I left my ex-husband I was terrified to fall in love again. I was scared of what that would mean for the life I was planning for myself. As you all know I met Bakji and because love is a sneaky fucker it reeled us both in for sure, now though I’m no longer in that dynamic and at some point, new bodies will be pressed against mine and if the same body returns time after time I know I run the risk of falling in love again. The difference now is that I don’t really mind that being a possibility. I now know what love is, and what love isn’t and for the time being I’m not prepared to let it be the guiding force my sexual and romantic adventures.
I think the past 5 years of exploring non-monogamy and alternative relationships has softened my outlook on love. While it might not be the thing I’m searching for I no longer fear it in the way I once did. So maybe one of the things I’ve done for love is for love itself, rather than for the love of someone specific, and the thing I did is let go. I’ve let go of so many of my preconceived notions of what love means and I’ve finally managed to separate love and sex, which has made my revelations about what I’m actually seeking a lot clearer and more attainable.
As I’ve been writing this post my mind has been thinking of the couples I know for whom love and lust are intrinsically linked. Especially the couples that I know have been together a long time, yet still, experience the kind of passion that I place so much importance on for myself and I wonder if perhaps I see such a clear divide because they haven’t yet merged for me in the way they have for other folks. Right now I can’t foresee myself ever being one of those couples, but I am a big believer in ‘never say never’.
One of the things my own life has taught me, and a lesson that is reinforced by reading many of your wonderful blogs, is that you never know what is lying in wait for you. You never know how life might change, how your opinions will be shaped and who will be part of your life in the future. It’s so easy to think we have it all figured out, to feel like we know things for certain, honestly though, I’ve got hardly anything figured out and most days I feel like I know fuck all. Which means I’m not naive enough to think I’ve got this whole love, lust and life thing figured out.
Before I leave there is one thing I did for love, that perhaps leans towards the more daring, and that was getting a tattoo. My first ever tattoo was born out of romantic love, a tiny little paw print on my inner left heel, my ex-husband has the identical tattoo on his inner right heel. I was 21, we’d had our first puppy together for about five months, we’d been engaged for one month and we were hopelessly in love and getting that tattoo was a perfect experience to share together. I love that tattoo, I love it so much and while I can’t imagine getting tattooed for love again, I’m totally down for life surprising me with that situation.