For the last six months, I’ve been writing about one of my kinks each week for That’s My Kink, and I still have a kink for every week that is left of the year. This week though I am taking a detour because this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is ‘Pleasure’ and if that isn’t a perfect summary of my interests then I don’t know what is.
Regardless of which kink or sexual interest of mine I discuss my primary reason for wanting to do it is pleasure. If something doesn’t bring me pleasure then I simply won’t do it. Even the kinks that may on the surface seem to be in direct conflict with pleasure are in fact all about pleasure for me. For example, pain is pleasure, fear play is pleasure and the squirming discomfort of humiliation is pleasure.
I was going to divide this into giving pleasure and receiving pleasure, but in trying to find the thread of one I realised they were so entangled that to split them up would be ludicrous. Yet we often see people saying their kink is giving people pleasure. So can they untangle their strands better than me or is the giving of pleasure perhaps a little less altruistic than some folks would have us believe?
I have met people who will with an air of smugness proudly tell you how it’s all about their partner’s pleasure for them. How they simply adore giving orgasms, will perform cunnilingus for hours and all because the other person’s pleasure is all that matters. Their own sexual gratification is meaningless to them. Apart from maybe one or two very specific exceptions, I call bullshit on this.
Don’t get me wrong, I love giving other people pleasure. It is a huge part of my dynamic with Bakji and probably my go-to move when I play with others too. My desire for orgasms is fairly low and my sexual libido isn’t that high either, so giving rather receiving pleasure isn’t actually a huge imposition on my part. However, I think it’s massively misleading to imply that giving pleasure, as in dishing out orgasms or kinky delights does not, in fact, give the Top pleasure. I might not be directly on the receiving end of the actions that are causing pleasure, but my body and my brain will definitely be finding all manner of pleasure in what I am doing.
Perhaps the smug folk aren’t for one minute trying to convince us that this isn’t true, but for sure they seem to gloss over the fact that they give pleasure because it gets them off in some way. That might not be sexually, but a brain high or the warm and fuzzies in your chest is still pleasure in my book.
Part of what I love most about my dynamic with Bakji is that when we enter a scene together we do so with the understanding that I am allowed to do to him what brings me pleasure. Within our agreed parameters and taking all limits into consideration of course. Those acts that are pre-negotiated though, whether we did them a week ago or six months ago are all fair game. The truth of the matter is he gets something out of everything I do to him, but some more than others and the things he likes best aren’t necessarily the things I like best.
There are things we’ve done and things we have planned that Bakji is keen to explore, not because they’re his kinks as such but because I excitedly said I’d like to do them. This again highlights the intrinsic link between the giving and receiving of pleasure. In giving me consent to do what I want he gives me pleasure, in performing the acts I want I give him pleasure, and giving him pleasure gives me pleasure and it’s an ongoing cycle where giving and receiving are always bedfellows and neither ever stand truly alone.
Of course, there are times when being on the receiving end feels nothing like giving anything back and I won’t lie I find those moments delicious too. I know that Bakji enjoys them too, so of course, the mutual exchange of pleasure still exists, but being the focus and having him lavish me with attention from his fingers, tongue and cock always feels like the most selfish version of pleasure-seeking to me. This is probably because I know kink is his main source of arousal. So fucking is less about his wants and needs and more about mine. Because of that I often don’t instigate or ask for these moments as much as I probably should.
It’s strange that my ability to give and take soars when I am in FemDom mode but when it comes to more regular sexual intimacy I become a bit of a bumbling idiot. Even though it is probably the most basic and natural form of pleasure exchange I feel absolutely useless at it. Which is why I think I’ve enjoyed our adventures in swinging/sex clubs. While we haven’t racked up the hours with those things like we have with kink, the times we have indulged in that way have given me permission to indulge in sex in a way that I struggle within the confines of my own home. Which again seems ridiculous, but the addition of exhibitionism, voyeurism and pure hedonism feels to me like a far easier way to give and receive sexual pleasure, whereas at home I often feel awkward about wanting or needing it.
I think this says a lot more about my past experiences with sex than it does about Bakji’s desire or our relationship. Kink is the foundation that helped me learn about communication and exploring fantasies with a partner. Kink also began my journey with non-monogamy and helped me discover more about my body and mind than I ever imagined existed. While kink does bring me sexual arousal and sexual pleasure, it’s the kinks that are the driving force, and often the kick it gives my brain that creates the pleasure rather than the sexual thrill.
Which means I still have some way to go in embracing and understanding what sexual pleasure as a stand-alone concept means to me. Even when I consider my sexual adventures with women, which by and large are easier to navigate than those with men, I still realise that I am very much a Top and the idea of receiving seems like it would be a very selfish thing for me to do. Rationally this makes no sense because I have never once seen anyone I’ve topped as selfish and have always delighted in the fact they are excited and keen to be my bottom, be that for sex or kink or both.
All of this is even more baffling when I consider the fact that when I realised I wasn’t actually submissive in the D/s sense of the word, I realised what I’d been seeking was sexual submission. I wanted to have things done to me, I wanted to be used in delicious and dirty ways, I wanted to give in to someone whose desire for me would lead us into a messy puddle of cum. What I was told pre-kink though was that made me selfish, that you couldn’t just expect people to do that for you.
Ironically what the people who told me that wanted from me was a lot of doing things to them. I think I learnt that it was okay for other people to want and need things, and I should be willing to provide those things, but actually when it came to me having a turn that was a little bit unreasonable and unreasonable is how I still feel when I want to ask these things of Bakji. Even though I know, without a shadow of a doubt that he would not only oblige me but be happy to do so.
As often happens when you write, I appear to have opened the floodgates on a topic I didn’t quite realise I had this many complex feelings on. I think perhaps I need to spend the rest of 2019 discovering a little bit more about the pleasure my sexual self might enjoy.