For last week’s Wicked Wednesday I wrote about Pleasure and as I rounded off that blog post I discussed how I wasn’t very good at asking for pleasure for myself. Despite my desire for more sex as opposed to kinky scenes, I am always left feeling that asking for those things would be selfish and so I just don’t, even though this often leaves me wanting and sometimes even allows insecurities to manifest.
When I saw this week’s prompt for Wicked Wednesday, which is to use a song title to inspire you writing I remember how much I loved doing this the last time we had this as a prompt. Back then I wrote Song to the Siren inspired by the song of the same name by Tim Buckley, or perhaps for many folks by This Mortal Coil. I was all set to do something similar again and the song I was drawn to was Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge.
As much as I want to write some filthy erotica about tearing into a subby boy in the sexiest way possible, I’m not going to. Well, I am going to, but not for this week’s Wicked Wednesday. Instead, I want to tell you about my weekend and our adventure to a swingers club and what it is I’ve discovered about asking for things I want.
When I wrote That’s My Kink – Swinging for Kink of the Week I discussed how I enjoy events that focus on sex because it’s a good opportunity to indulge in sexual pleasure because that isn’t something we do as often as I’d maybe like because our joint focus is primarily kink. That is true and I do feel that way, but also it’s not true and I don’t feel that way.
What I realised, or perhaps accepted this weekend is that my desire for Domination is a far larger part of my sexual desire than I had allowed myself to acknowledge. For a little while now I’ve been trying so hard to revive my dormant submissive, determined that as a Switch that submissive side or even just a willingness to bottom was still within me and as such, I needed to explore that without that desire to be in control taking over.
This weekend I decided, realised or accepted that right now I fucking love being the one in charge. I freakin’ adore being a kickass FemDom and that actually I don’t need to learn to ask for anything, what I need to embrace is my desire and ability to demand that Bakji give me the things I want. Whether that is with words or actions it doesn’t actually matter, because he’s a clever boy and can follow instructions whether they are verbal or not.
To be clear I say all this as someone who has checked in with Bakji and ascertained that he too enjoys having these demands placed on him and that being my sex slave a little more often is something he’s open to. If he’d placed an emphasis on his desire to have me ask nicely and be more submissive then this would be a different blog post and our weekend would have gone very differently. He didn’t though. As luck would have it he’s gorgeous, sexy, fuckable and likes me telling him what to do when things get sexy.
None of this alters the dynamic we have outside of our scenes, or even in them to be honest. What it is likely to change though is frequency and the amount of sex and orgasms I get! Which quite frankly is fine by me. This weekend we didn’t play loads, but when we did play the balance between sexy fuckery and D/s was different to normal. I was naked (rare for our kinks) and well fucked, but I was also in a Toppy mindset with biting and edging being woven into our sexy times.
I also managed to get an awesome and cunt drippingly amazing fingering, oral sex and P.I.V and still got to finish the whole session off by giving Bakji a handjob and being totally in control of his climax. Which is a feeling I live for. This wasn’t necessarily how I thought things would pan out, I imagined going into this evening it would be more sex, less D/s, but apparently, my inner Dominant was having none of that.
I think the complexities of this issue are for me partly based in sex being received by me being a passive act, somehow as my FemDom tendencies have grown I’ve left sex behind as being a submissive act and haven’t taken the time to learn how to receive sexual pleasure as a Dominant. Which my cunt will be pleased to know, stops now. I think I’ve unlocked the secret to channelling multiple desires at once. Those desires being to Dominate Bakji hard and to have him fuck and finger me until I cum all over him.
So why did I mention the song I was drawn to when I didn’t follow through on writing the erotica it potentially could have inspired? Because as I pondered this weekend’s revelations two lines from the song kept playing in my mind … ‘As I whisper in your ear, I want to fucking tear you apart’. That is my desire in a nutshell, I want to Dominate Bakji, tear him apart and eat his soul and I get to do that fairly often, so dishing out orders for fingering and demanding he put his cock to good use really shouldn’t be off the menu considering I eat souls as a delicacy.
I think sometimes trying to be a little bit of everything can hold you back. For too long I’ve been trying to juggle vanilla intimacy, FemDom and my desires I have as a bottom. All that has ended up happening is that I feel like too many areas are lacking and I end up constantly trying to find the answer as to why. I think the why has become apparent this weekend, my desires are trying to drive me in a certain direction and the other areas are lacking because they’re not the current natural inclination.
This isn’t me declaring that I’m no longer identifying in a certain way, I’m still switchy and always will be I suspect, but my poor FemDom ego needs to stretch her legs a little bit more than I’m currently allowing I think. Perhaps this comes from our D/s being so clearly contained in our kinky scenes, as opposed to it being something we can utilise spontaneously. I think the next conversation I’m going to start on our sexy Trello board is how we can start to navigate impromptu sessions that work for us both. I suspect the answer lies within me announcing, ordering and following through but despite the soul-eating, I am still a safe and loving partner and nothing happens without us both being enthusiastically consenting. Then once I know we’re both into something it can happen just because I say so.
I’m almost a little bit pleased it’s taken me a while to discover how I can utilise Bakji’s subby side to turn him into the ultimate sex toy. We’ve been together a fair while now, 4 years now in fact, but this feels a little bit like it could be the start of a new adventure. The sex adventure, where he gets jaw ache from giving so much oral and we discover how I can restrain him whilst still keeping his fingers free to do what they do best! Whatever happens, I will, of course, keep you all posted, unless I’m so busy having incredible orgasms that I forget how to type!