I’ve written about humiliation before and in that post, I covered a fair amount of information on why I enjoy this as one of my kinks. I debated whether or not I had any more to say in it for the current ‘Tell Me About..’, I’m digging deep though because I am convinced this is a kink that is often misunderstood and it brings me so much joy how can I not share with folks when the opportunity arises.
I’ll start off by saying we don’t play with humiliation to the more intense levels. It’s not that they don’t appeal, it’s just that currently, they are not what works for our dynamic. This is I think the first misunderstanding of humiliation, folks who aren’t into it, or think they aren’t into it will often be envisioning a trope of humiliation that doesn’t work for everyone.
I’ve had people tell me they’d hate to be called names that would hurt their feelings or have someone point out things that make them feel bad about themselves. Or they might say that they don’t want to feel like their partner things bad of them or is laughing at them because of things they can’t change. All of which are totally valid reasons not to enjoy humiliation that would involve those acts or feelings. For me, humiliation is about none of those things.
Humiliation only works as a kink for me if I know someone well. Not only do I need to know them well, but I also need to know their kinks inside out. With Bakji humiliation is super tricky, because he is utterly shameless in his love of his kinks and incredibly proud of them. Humiliating a guy whose brainchild is a podcast called ProudToBeKinky, comes with its challenges.
For humiliation to work I think you need to be willing to dig around in someone’s brain a little bit. You also need to file away certain nuggets of information, often discreetly and store them for future use. When I think I’ve found one of these potential treasure that I can use against Bakji I never just spring them on him. However, declaring, I think I can use ‘x, y or z’ to humiliate or embarrass would probably limit the effect too. For us, not saying that is the case for everyone.
What I tend to do is wait until we’re not in a scene and then give my ideas a little mention. Just casually dropping them into a conversation and waiting to see what Bakji’s reaction is. No reaction at all means it’s of no use to me. A Negative reaction, also of no use to me. What I am looking for is that moment where he responds with arousal followed by ‘oh god, not sure why I like that’. That right there is humiliation gold.
Then when the time comes and we are playing it’s those things I know I can use to great effect. Phrasing, timing and intent are everything though. If we’ve just started a scene and I go straight for the verbal humiliation jugular, Bakji won’t feel sexy, he’ll just feel attacked. If I wait until he’s under the influence of subbing though, and then slide in with some wicked words, he just becomes even more subby while also squirming in his restraints at what is being said. As for intent, none of this would work if Bakji didn’t know I actually fancied the pants off him and would never want to hurt his feelings. As soon as we are done with a scene, positive, loving affirmations are a must, that applies to any scene, but it is especially important if I’ve used his likes against him during a scene.
I’ve been trying to think of some specific examples to share with you, but as time has gone on the intimacy involved in this kink has increased I think and the juiciest ways in which I can torment Bakji feel quite private. Not only that but if I release them into the wild and he knows this then threatening to do that will no longer be a weapon I have in my arsenal.
Part of what I love about humiliation is definitely the intimacy and private nature of it. Those things I know will cause him to blush and squirm feel like delicious secrets that bind us together. In general dynamic terms, we don’t have an ownership layer to our kink or D/s, but there are certain scenes and certain kinks that do create a strong sense of ‘Mine’ within me and humiliation is one of them.
We haven’t quite got into the swing of using honorifics during our scenes, but I often feel like certain kinks lead me down a different honorific path. Humiliation is very navigated by Goddess Floss. It takes the power exchange and highlights beautifully how I am above and Bakji is below. It shows him that I know all the things and he knows none of the things. I am everything and he is nothing. I have all the control and he has none. Humiliation takes us both to the far ends of the spectrum of our particular D/s dynamic. Highlighting those things only works though because outside of a scene Bakji and I both know that we are equals and that I both respect him and love him dearly. Without that knowledge, I wouldn’t be unable to play with him in the way I do.
As regular readers will know I enjoy playing the bitch and also indulging the darker side of a personality that is mine but also isn’t mine. Humiliation is one of the kinks that allows me the space to play in that way and for us it definitely is play. There are kinks and extensions of our kinky dynamic that can seep into real life, quite happily and to sexy effect. For us, humiliation isn’t one of them.
I know not everyone plays with humiliation in the same way we do. So this very much is a personal account of what it is about for me. I know people who love taking their humiliation further than we do and they adore it when their partners push them into new spaces with it. It is important with every single kink we play with to know our limits and our boundaries, but I think this is especially true of humiliation. Not only because it ensures the well-being of those involved but also it makes it work a whole lot better if you know exactly how someone is going to get off on it most.
This also isn’t a kink we play with all the time, which makes it a little bit of a kink delicacy for me. The times I do burrow under Bakji’s skin, to unsettle the very fibres of his being before picking apart all the things he gets off on so I can put them on display and laugh merrily at his discomfort is a form of getting high for me. It is intoxicating and as such, it is something I choose to use responsibly.
Do I think humiliation is a kink everyone can enjoy? Definitely not. Do I think with the right information some people might enjoy it who currently don’t? Absolutely. However, I also know that getting humiliation wrong can be a monumental fuck up. I have seen humiliation be used as a veil for emotional abuse and I have watched people deal with the fallout of that unethical use of what should be a consensual kink.
So while this is a kink I have incredibly awesome feels about it is one that I would only encourage folks to embrace if they truly have the desire to do so and have complete faith in the person they will be engaging in it with. If you haven’t explored erotic humiliation yet, but you are curious I highly recommend Enough To Make You Blush by Princess Kali. I am not under any obligation to endorse her book, I just love it and it provided me with great information.
We also had the honour of welcome Princess Kali on episode 55 of ProudToBeKinky.