For Episode 93 of #ProudToBeKinky we decided to ask our listeners for questions and spend the entire episode answering them. It was oodles of fun and the questions were so good that I thought my blog readers might like to see them and read my answers too. You won’t, however, get Bakji’s answers, you’ll have to listen to the episode for them. These questions came from our Instagram followers, Twitter followers and our Discord users.
How young/old are you?
I am 34, I will be 35 in November, so very firmly in the mid 30’s of life. I won’t lie I didn’t take turning 30 very well. Life had changed a lot for me between the ages of 25 and 30 and some of those changes took some getting over. At 30 I felt like I’d majorly fucked up my life, had achieved very little and I had no idea of how to become the person I had idealised in my mind.
Now in my mid 30’s, with the next big birthday ahead of me being turning 40 I feel much better about ageing. Recently a fellow blogger, exposing40, shared her post 40 over 40 and it really did solidify in my mind that I have so many more awesome years ahead of me. Watching my mum die at 53 makes me constantly feel like life is too short and I sometimes feel like the shadow of age is hanging over me, but as my life continues to blossom, I hope I am making the most of things instead of dwelling on a fate that might not be mine.
Are You a Group?
This particular question was from an Instagram user, and while it may not be clear here, it was clear from his other interactions that he had no idea what our account was all about. That said, maybe some of you are curious about the scale of #ProudToBeKinky, so I’ll answer it.
#ProudToBeKinky is created solely by myself and Bakji. For anyone who has listened to all episodes, you will recall that in the first few episodes there were indeed two other people involved. That is no longer the case. Bakji and I do everything from contacting guests, recording, editing, social media and anything else you see that is podcast related. We sometimes have people ask ‘why don’t you do this’ or suggest ‘you should do that’, quite often the reason we don’t do certain things or do things as quickly as people might like is due to the fact there’s only two of us and we both have external commitments that often come before the podcast, and in my case the blog.
Two questions were writing/blog related so I’ll answer them next …
Who inspires your erotic writing?
In the actual episode I gave two answers to this. Firstly what inspired me to start writing erotica, the answer to that being bad erotica. Fed up with the same old tropes I gave up reading erotica and started writing it. You can read more about that in Words and How They Woo Me.
When it comes to who inspires my words now though I answered that with my fellow bloggers and I truly mean that. Every single day the sex blogging community inspires. Whether that is by encouraging a post with a meme, one of their images trigging an idea or simply by conversing on Twitter. Sometimes the inspiration I get from them isn’t necessarily to do with erotica, but some days being inspired to do something else is more important.
Do you have any advice for other erotica writers?
I feel like there is so much to say on this topic but there are few main things that I felt were top of the list to mention. Firstly go self-hosted, the free hosting options through places like WordPress is where many of us started out, however many of my fellow sex bloggers lost entire sites that way too. Many platforms will shut you down if they deem your site to be of a sexual nature. To
My other bit of site advice is to get involved. Memes like Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday and Sinful Sunday are not only great for inspiration but it also connects you with other bloggers which is one of the best things about publishing your work on a blog.
In terms of writing advice, I always say write for yourself, don’t get too caught up in what’s popular and what is right or wrong. Write about what turns you on, write something you can’t wait to finish because you’re so keen to go and have a wank over it. Turn fantasies into reality on paper, dare to wander into the unknown or the taboo if that is what gets your words out. I know folks sometimes say write what you know, but what I know can often be mind-numbingly dull, what I can imagine though?
Most of all though my advice is to have fun. If you’re writing erotic or creating content for a blog and it isn’t fun (or earning you money) then don’t do it, or certainly stop doing it in the way that bores you.
The remaining questions are predominantly kink related, but I can’t answer them without mentioning Bakji, so let’s proceed with the questions that relate to our dynamic …
How would you describe your relationship in each other’s lives? Do you have a relationship outside of kink? If so what general kind?
This is such a good set of questions, partly because I assumed everyone knew the answer to this but
We do however have a romantic relationship as well as a freakin’ awesome friendship. When we were recording I said that I often think of him as my adventure friend. While I can and do go on adventures with many people, he is my main man when it comes to adventures and I know 100% I can rely on him to be up for any adventure idea I throw at him.
We’re really not great at the labels, but people who know us have assumed we are boyfriend/girlfriend (which are absolutely not words we use ourselves), primary partners, nesting partners, all of which do reflect our general affection for each other in relation to what those terms convey when others use them.
How did you and Bakji meet?
We met for the first time at our local peer rope group, our conversation was fleeting though as I was too nervous to pay too much attention to the majority of what happened that day. We then got to chat a little more at a private party about 6 weeks after that and it was that encounter that led to Bakji asking me if I would be up for doing some rope together, as he was looking to learn but hadn’t found anyone to tie with regularly. I honestly thought he was just after a rope bunny. He was so handsome I assumed he had a queue of girls lining up to play with him, and I really wasn’t looking for a ‘relationship’ anyway.
The evening after we first did rope together though we went to a kinky party and that was where we shared our first kiss, from then onwards we embarked on our kinky and sexy journey together and nearly 4 years on from that first kiss we are still having a wonderfully sexy time together.
Do your non-kink friends/family know about your kinky-side?
They do. Not every single person I know, and some I wouldn’t tell but a good chunk of friends and family know I attend kink/fetish events, that I enjoy dressing in Latex and that I met Bakji at an event that teaches you to tie people in pretty rope bondage.
Part of my openness is down to not caring about people’s responses, part of it is being confident in their responses. For example, I know my Dad well enough to know he is far from a prude when it comes to sex and sexuality, so I was fairly confident he’d be understanding when I gave the ‘Dad version’ of my lifestyle and I was right. As much as I love my Dad though if he got shitty and judgemental with me over it I’d have no issues with just telling him where to go. Which might sound awful and callous, but he agrees with me, we should be loving our kids (also friends and family members) regardless of their sexual proclivities (legal and consensual ones I might add).
As I said above life feels damn short to me, and I don’t personally have the energy to hide who I am, BUT I understand that I am lucky that I can make that decision and I 100% support folk who cannot be open like this, about any aspect of their life for fear of the repercussions. I know it stretches far beyond being accepted and can sometimes be a matter of personal safety and I would never want anyone to feel like they weren’t valid if they weren’t ‘out’, again this applies to more aspects of life than just kink.
One of the reasons I got involved in the podcast and one of the eventual reasons I became so passionate about my blog is I saw them safe spaces for people to connect with like-minded folk when they might not have the same opportunities in offline life. Being able to be open with even just a select group of people can make all the difference to the acceptance and love people are able to offer themselves and I think that it the most important thing.
Are there certain people you look up to kinks wise?
When I answered this on the podcast Bakji looked at me like I was a total party pooper. My answer was, no, not really. I then expanded on this to say there I people I look towards for inspiration, but no one who I look up to as such and there is a reason for this.
In the 4 years I have been in the kink community I have seen a lot of celebrated kinksters fall from grace. The people that were put on pedestals anas everyone raved about how great they were, suddenly were persona non grata and with everyone analysing their infractions debating whether or not they should be welcome in the kink scene or not.
I have also seen people have personal goals to be just like ‘x on Fetlife’ or ‘y on Instagram’ and I’ve seen the person x, or y is outside of social media and it really isn’t what is portrayed. Even the most accomplished of kinksters is just a regular person behind closed doors, so it makes me wary of idolising people.
That’s not to say other kinksters haven’t inspired me though, they really do. Some like Princess Kali for example whose take on FemDom and approach to kink absolutely gave me permission to just do FemDom my own way and stop being swayed by the folks who said I wasn’t ‘domly’ enough to pull it off.
What was your first kink experience?
My first small tastes of kink were with my ex-husband, as regular readers and listeners will know it wasn’t for him, it was for me and it was one of many, many reasons that I walked away from my marriage. My first experience of kink with another kink identifying person are memories I try very hard not to relive, the actual physical experiences themselves were fine, but the situation that surrounded them, my emotional state at the time and the experience in the months afterwards with said person/people were not at all good.
My first good experiences definitely came once I joined my local community. Shibari as a rope bottom was a massive part of my introduction to kink and I loved every minute of that. My first experiences with Bakji, however, go above and beyond everything else. We have had so many firsts together and I hope many more to come.
Are there any kinks that you were into early on or thought you were that you aren’t so much any more?
I think I’ve answered this on the blog in various posts, but overall the main thing that drew me to kink was D/s and more specifically the idea of being someone’s submissive. For so many reasons, and through my exposure to that lifestyle I know it isn’t for me. That’s not to say D/s dynamics don’t still interest me in other ways, they absolutely do, but I don’t see myself ever being the submissive in a D/s dynamic.
Rope was also something that featured heavily in the early days of my kink journey and while I do still enjoy rope on a casual level it hasn’t morphed into the main interest I suspected it was for a while.
Think about the scenes you’ve had in the past … What are some elements of those scenes that have pushed them from just good to great? What little bits of extra effort help to make a scene more special than it would have been without those elements?
I feel like my answer to this is a bit lame, partly because it isn’t a definite something that can be done, but just a thing that happens. The times a scene has gone from good to great it has always been because of Bakji’s (or another play friends) reactions. When the feedback I’m getting from them is that everything is awesome and they just want more, need more but also feel like they can’t take more, that is when I’m having the time of my life.
Bakji says those moments happen for him usually during our more elaborate scenes, so when I’m dolled up in Latex, there’s lots of restraint, lots of our kinks happening and once and usually with extreme edging thrown into the mix. Perhaps all those things are what make it great for me too, but sometimes those things aren’t present and I still get a reaction that just makes the whole scene bloody marvellous.
Are there any kinks you got into because of the podcast? Are there any that you want to learn more about that you haven’t discussed on the podcast yet?
I sort of got into erotic humiliation because of the podcast. While we were practising, which was a good few months before we released any episodes, Bakji mentioned Masocast and how they were quite good. So off I went to give them a listen, and the episode I picked was Princess Kali’s and that led me to reading her book Enough To Make You Blush and it was then that my interest in humiliation came to the surface.
There’s lots of kinks I’d like to experience, but the idea of me not having mentioned them on the podcast makes me chuckle. When it comes to kink I have held very little back on the podcast. The main things I mentioned getting into more were fear play and knife play. We’ve dabbled in fear play a tiny bit, but oh the thought of expanding on that is amazing! I’ve done knife play once as a bottom and would love to do it as a Top and perhaps maybe as a bottom as well.
How did you get comfortable/confident with using a safeword?
For me it was about playing with the right people. Playing with people who 100% advocate the use of safewords and are vocal on how they expect them to be used makes using them a lot easier. I also found that adopting the traffic light system, green = awesome, keep going, amber = getting a bit too much/ lets dial it back a bit, red = stop immediately, meant that saying green and amber makes using red feel less daunting.
Could either of you go into your scene negotiation AND how that communication has evolved through time and trust?
When we first began playing together scenes negotiation was definitely on a scene by scene basis. We filled in a Fetish Checklist which gave an overall view of the types of activities we consented to, but we’d generally discuss what we were up for as each scene occurred. Often the moments after served as negotiation for the next scene. By saying what we’d like more off, less off etc.
As time moved on we started using Trello as a way to communicate our kinky ideas and plans for future scenes, and the need to negotiate each scene specifically dwindled and whoever was Topping could pick and choose what to incorporate from the activities we had given consent to over the time we’ve playing together. Which is where we are at now.
As a Top I will still check in pre-scene if we are going to do something like anal play, because this needs preparation from Bakji or if I were thinking of doing something a little different and catching him off guard with it might not be a good idea. As a bottom if I’m really not feeling something that we might do fairly often I will always say ahead of time, likewise if there’s something I’m really in the mood for.
My negotiations with Bakji are far more casual than they would be with someone new though, but that is an entire blog post in and of itself I suspect.
There you have it, a little bit of a Floss Q&A to spice up your day. If you’d like me to elaborate on any points, or have any other questions you’d like to hear me answer please feel free to contact me via email or via social media.