[FemDom Friday] It’s Okay For Submissives To Have A Voice

My own D/s dynamic only comes into play when we engage in kinky scenes. However I stand by the message of this article regardless of whether you have an in scene dynamic only or a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic and I am prepared for the onslaught of emails telling me I am wrong, but I think it is very important for some people to hear my take on this.

Regardless of your specific D/s dynamic or the frequency of it, your submissive does not cease to be a human being, and as such they have their own thoughts, feelings and desires. While the Dominant one in the dynamic may well do a lot of the leading and decision making, again depending on your specific situation, no Dominant is all knowing. Despite the spate of ‘Dominants’ who seem to think they are just that.

Whether you are just beginning your journey as a Dominant or whether you’ve been doing it for decades, we are all infallible and we can always learn more and grow both as a person and as a Dom. One place you can find out information is from the submissive/bottom that you are playing with or intending to play with.

I realise that for some people I will have just typed the most despicable sentence ever. Here is the thing though, as a Switch, I have zero interest in playing with a D-type who things they know it all and won’t entertain the idea of learning from and incorporating their bottoms ideas. I think it is dangerous to think that much of yourself and exceedingly arrogant to think you are beyond bettering yourself.

My journey and growth as a Top has been made so much richer by the input I have welcomed from Bakji as my bottom. He has a wealth of knowledge about his own kinks that I would have been an idiot not to take advantage of. That’s not to say he can’t be surprised or that I can’t help him discover new things, of course I can and that is definitely part of the fun in a D/s dynamic.

One of the things Bakji is good at is being creative, he has a gift for thinking up new ways to pervert non-kinky objects or in fact ways we can make kinky objects even more pervertable! This is a gift I do not have, should I shun his ideas because I want all the elements of our FemDom scenes to come from me? Because if don’t somehow the effect my Domliness will have on him will be diminished a little bit. I can confirm that no matter who thought of a particular idea, when I am the one implementing the effect is always far better than we could have imagined.

Thankfully most people I discuss D/s with have a sensible approach to negotiating and collaborating over what goes on in their dynamic. Even within Total Power Exchange dynamics there still has to be a window of opportunity for a s-type to speak up and voice their thoughts. If you have a Dominant who doesn’t believe this, who thinks that becoming their submissive or slave means you have given up your right to a voice I urge you to consider whether or not this is in your best interest.

Total Power Exchange (TPE) – a relationship where the dominant partner has complete control and authority over the submissive in all areas and at all times, even when they’re not actively engaged in a scene. Most couples will, however, agree to a set of terms and limits beforehand, which can be renegotiated when necessary.

To be clear, because I know the emails are probably being composed at this very moment, I am not saying TPE relationships aren’t valid or that handing over the reigns to your Dominant for a variety of things isn’t an option, it absolutely is. What I am saying is that being a submissive, a babygirl, a slave or any other bottom identifying role in BDSM does not overrule your rights as a human being. There are no exceptions to this.

Even if your desire is to live as a full-time BDSM slave, fully kept by your D-type, with no need to work or leave the house without them by your side and have them decide everything from where you sleep, what you eat, what you wear and how your day is structured, if you wake up one day and realise something has changed and you have an issue you need to address, that should always be an option. Always. The reason? Not having that option means the situation you are in has moved from consensual dynamic to abusive. If you can’t wake up one day and walk away from the dynamic you have agreed to something is seriously wrong.

People will disagree with me and that’s fine, but I need to know that s-types out there can find blog posts like this and be aware that it is not only okay to ask for what you need, but healthy to do so.

I often see decent and loving Dominant’s remarking how a ‘true Dom’ has commented on how they wouldn’t let their sub behave a certain way, or if their Dominant was a proper Dom they’d stop them exhibiting certain behaviours and the response to this is nearly always the same; being a good Dom isn’t about suppressing your submissive’s nature, or fashioning them into an object to be seen and not heard. It’s about helping them explore another side of themselves and being the person to whom they entrust their submission.

There is no skill in bullying someone into submission, or in stripping them of their ability to be confident, outspoken, independent or any other trait that certain people may not deem to be submissive. There are however many skills you can acquire to be a good Dominant and the best D-types I know are always on the lookout for new things that will help them be the best Dom their submissive could ask for.

The dictionary definition (and accompanying synonyms) of submissive does not equate to the meaning and depth behind being a BDSM submissive and sometimes I think people assume that it does and therein lies a problem. Submissives have valuable and essential voices and without that being present in your dynamic I don’t think you have a dynamic at all, you have a one sided ability to control and I don’t know about you but that just doesn’t seem as wonderful to me.


This is the eighth article in a 12 part series, the ninth is ‘Even Hardcore Kinks Have Low Level Entry Points‘. You can hear more of my thoughts on FemDom and Kink by tuning in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife.

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2 thoughts on “[FemDom Friday] It’s Okay For Submissives To Have A Voice”

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