Recently on #ProudToBeKinky we discussed the internal conflicts of Kink. Those things we might be interested in, or roles we might identify with that for whatever reason might be at odds with our non-kink life.
During the podcast one of the things I mentioned was how I find it much easier to vocalise what I want and to be honest even know what I want as a Top than I ever did as a bottom. I commented on how this seems strange to me because I always thought I was a more natural bottom than Top. My love of FemDom however has completely changed so much about my interests and how I view myself, that I am having to re-evaluate a lot of those thoughts.
One of our regular listeners commented on social media that perhaps the reason I felt that way is because I am less vulnerable as a Top, so stating my wants is easier. I 100% respect the suggestion and I would imagine for a lot of people it is true, but for me Topping has a level of vulnerability to it, that subbing does not have.
I am going to address this on the podcast for those that listen in rather than read my blog, but I thought it would make for an interesting blog post too. Even though somewhere long ago I think I might have addressed this in a paragraph of another post.
One of the things I’ve struggled with the most since my marriage ended is how I view giving and receiving affection, especially in terms of loving and being loved. When I met Bakji I was in a very silly phase of trying to ensure I kept this under strict control, so that I did do anything as foolish as get ‘the feels’. Bakji and I aren’t big on using the ‘L’ word, but that’s probably a post a for another day. We do however offer words and actions that show our affection.
When I first realised that Bakji was affectionate, and despite his unique views on relationships was actually a very kind, loving and romantic person, I admit I went into panic mode. I soon realised though being cold and distant would end our time together, so my only option was to warm up a little bit and be open to my feelings growing. When my feelings did eventually deepen I found a way to make myself feel better about them, it was clearly the nature of subbing to Bakji that had caused my feelings to grow. Nothing to do with the fact he’s and awesome guy and the more I got to know him the more I liked him. Nope, just subbiness causing the feels here.
Which meant that when we came to switching I actually, and very foolishly thought I’d be safe-guarded a little from my feelings, that I wouldn’t feel quite so emotional and that my growing attachment to Bakji might have time to calm down. Wrong, wrong and wrong! This was the first point of vulnerability I discovered when I started Topping. The level of affection I felt for Bakji when he was subbing to me was above and beyond what I had felt when he was Topping me.
On reflection this makes a lot of sense. When I started Topping Bakji I got to see so much more of who he is, a part of him that I could never have imagined enjoying, but that I realised very quickly I adored. The fact he was trusting me, made me feel really wonderful. Not only that he trusted me to Top him, but that he trusted me to learn those skills with him, and that he trusted me enough to divulge his interests so that I could use them to learn from. Even the ones he felt I might not be into.
What started to happen when Bakji opened up to me about all his kinks and fetishes was that I started to open my mind to them too. The ones I knew nothing about and the ones I had little success with, as well as the ones I felt I’d definitely enjoy. After a long time of thinking I couldn’t be a Top due to what other people expected that to look like, I actually put that aside and began to believe that Bakji just wanted me to be the Top I could be. He wasn’t looking for a stereotype or to dictate my every move, he was looking for a genuine exchange with someone he was attracted to and excited about playing with.
When I began Topping Bakji it was all very tentative, I was also simultaneously learning rope, so it wasn’t always sensual and sexy sessions, often I was more concentrated on my rope than I was on him. Gradually though my confidence grew and it became much more about the power exchange than the learning of skills. When we reached this point I began to realise that I felt a bit awkward about some of the things I wanted to confess I enjoyed as a Top.
I am a power-hungry Top, the rush of adrenaline and arousal I feel when I am in control of a scene, in control of Bakji, is really like nothing I’ve ever felt before. That is one of my main things that takes me from liking being a Top to loving it. I also enjoy revelling in my Sadistic side, a side that is based less in sexual arousal and more closely linked to that love of a power trip. Then we have the fact it entertains me to laugh at the predicaments Bakji finds himself in, accompanied by a little bit of verbal humiliation and I am in my element.
Admitting those things, showing that side of myself, especially in the early days made me feel striped bare and totally exposed. There was nothing hidden anymore, for whatever reason, even though I know it’s foolish those are the kinks I have had the most trouble accepting within myself. Perhaps because they feel like they are intrinsic parts of me that I have buried and ignored for a long time. While I am absolutely not that person in my everyday life, I don’t laugh at pain that isn’t sexy for example and I’d never dream of humiliating or hurting someone unless they consented to it and were into it, I am still made up in part of those desires when it comes to kink. I don’t just enjoy those things, I crave the chance to engage in them and just thinking about them is exhilarating.
Because Bakji had been so open with me about what he enjoyed, and why, I felt like I could do the same I return. When he didn’t recoil from those feelings I had but embraced them and wanted to play with them, it was an awesome feeling. It meant I have gradually been able to play with those aspects of my FemDom a little bit more, and it has been so rewarding, as well as incredibly sexy.
In essence Topping gives me no way of hiding. When I unsuccessfully tried to Top people in the past it was rubbish because they wanted me to pretend, to play a role, they could only see me as submissive and therefore deemed that my Dominance would have to be faked. In truth with the right partner my Dominance is very, very real and showcases the parts of me I kept hidden for so long. I think I am still accepting that there is no need to hide any facets of my kinky self, which is why that feeling of vulnerability is still present when I am Topping.