[Kink] What Do I Think About Orgasm Control?

Image originally posted as What Masturbation Looks Like.

N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

As I’ve touched upon briefly in previous posts my introduction to my own orgasms came pretty late in life, I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was about 28. Up until then my body just seemed to block them out. Sexual activity was nice and definitely pleasurable but it never brought me close to climax. Even on my own, I couldn’t get there. Only after my son was born did my body seem to realise it was capable of all kinds of things.

Since that first orgasm things have gone from strength to strength, however, it is something I am definitely still exploring and learning about. They are also easily spooked sometimes, it’s been a few months since it happened, but now and again they will just stop. Then will return. Neither of which comes with any warning or with any obvious reasons. For example, it won’t always be when I’m stressed or poorly, it will just be totally random.

For this reason, when I joined the kink scene I was reluctant to engage in orgasm control. I did dabble with it here and there, and on the whole, it was fun with no adverse effects on my abilities. However, the concern remains that if I engaged in long-term orgasm control that I could set myself back and lose the progress I’ve made over the last 4 years or so.

On a personal level, I don’t really feel comfortable giving someone else the control when it comes to my orgasms. I want to be able to come on my own terms at all times as and when I feel like it. This also includes not coming for periods of time when I’m just not really feeling it.

The only part of orgasm control that I do enjoy as a bottom is forced orgasm. There is no orgasm in the world like the one Bakji gives me when I’m trying to wriggle away, saying no over and over again (and absolutely not meaning it, this is why negotiations, consent and safewords are so important to me) and he is relentless pinning me down and making come over and over until he is satisfied I’m done.

There is some both torturous and delicious about those orgasms. They feel amazing, unlike any orgasm I could ever achieve on my own. I also love the ‘force’ of them, I love the fact I can’t just take them. I have to fight against them while really, really wanting to give into them. Then when finally my body does cave and just gives in to the climax, it feel like if I died from pleasure it would be totally worth it. The struggle and the resistance and the eventual release is just the most fun though.

As a Top, I have similar interests. While I do harbour a desire to get Bakji into a cock cage, I think ultimately I’d fail at enforcing chastity. Luckily for me, he isn’t looking to explore for long periods of time, because I don’t think the orgasm seeker in me could take it. One of my favourite things about Topping Bakji is making him come. Just thinking about it gives me the excited feels.

Another part of orgasm control that I am a big, big fan of is edging! It has got to be one of my most favourite actions to administer as a Top. It evokes the most awesome reactions from Bakji and they are reactions that feed my Topping high, which makes it a really valuable and intrinsic part of our play.

Currently, the only vagina I get to play with is my own, which isn’t as fun as playing with someone else’s, but I’m ever hopeful that hot sexy vagina play is on the horizon. This again doesn’t come with much of a desire for orgasm denial. I am far more inclined to see how many orgasms I can force out of someone. Again the reactions this elicits is far more arousing to me, than the reactions denial creates.

However, as is becoming the pattern, I’m now going to show how willing to shift gears I am if I really want to play with someone. If I met someone who had a burning desire for orgasm denial, with or without chastity devices, either for short-term or long-term play, I would definitely be open to trying this in a more invested way. Whether I’m in bottom mode or Top mode what really gets me off is pleasing a partner and bringing them pleasure. If someone’s path to finding their true pleasure includes being denied orgasms,  I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to get on board with that.

I think I definitely have a lot more to explore when it comes to orgasms, both personally and with partners. Watch this space for more blog posts on this, I will, of course, keep you all updated with exciting orgasm developments. I’m not an expert about these things, I’ve definitely figured my own struggles with orgasms out in ways that wouldn’t necessarily work for everyone. I know lots of other people have orgasm struggles though, so if anyone reads this and would like to reach out to discuss this topic, then please do so.

If you enjoyed this post please visit my 30 Days of D/s Archives for more. I also discuss a little bit more about my thoughts on orgasms in episode 60 of ProudToBeKinky. 

60 – Orgasm Unleashed with Eyal Matsliah

Eyal Matsliah is a sexual empowerment coach, and the author of ‘Orgasm Unleashed’ – a guide to pleasure, healing and power. So we left kink behind for an episode to focus on the wonder of orgasms and the joy they can bring.

7 thoughts on “[Kink] What Do I Think About Orgasm Control?

  1. I just commented on Naughtynora’s blog about this. I find orgasm control addicting. There is something about being told you cant right now that makes the feelings and desire even stronger. my wife is on the low side for orgasms and it always concerned me that I was not providing them for her. She assured me sex was fine without them. She will go in phases when there will be over 10 (some multiple) in a month and other times with only 2 or 3. While I would have 4 a week. This year she has been controlling my orgasm and I a at about 2 a week but it doesn’t feel like I am loosing out because our sex seems more passionate.
    Hope that helps provide some other perspective.

    1. Thanks so much for commenting 🙂 I think the other perspective is fascinating. It’s always so good to hear the way other people do things. Also really wonderful when these kinds of things make sex more passionate. That’s such a great thing. Floss 🙂

  2. I’m big on orgasm control. But you knew that. It’s 231 days since my only orgasm this year. I haven’t even had a ruined orgasm. My wife edges me relentlessly when we have sex. After she is satiated, she will tease and stimulate me mercilessly until I’m shaking and fighting desperately not to cum. If things go as planned, I will not be entitled to another orgasm for 501 more days. Two full years! But she is now using vibrators to edge me and I can’t help but feel she’ll make a mistake and I’ll have a ruined one at some point.

    1. Do you find restraining yourself becomes easier the further along you work at it, compared to just starting out? Up until this year, I would cum whenever I could – that pretty much signaled the end of sex for that moment. I have had a few accidental releases this year as I have never tried holding back before.

    2. Despite it not currently being on my to do list, this is genuinely fascinating. I do love hearing about how other people do things. Will a ruined orgasm feel like it has broken the no orgasm cycle, or do they not really feel satisfying enough to count? Floss x

      1. I’ll have to let you know. The last ruined orgasm I had was in December and I leaked for several minutes after we had stopped. There was no sensation of orgasm at all. So if it’s done right, I don’t think it will feel like I’ve broken the cycle–that one wasn’t at all satisfying. I was actually surprised at the leakage both the duration and the quantity!

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