N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
I’ve been staring at this topic for days now thinking I just wouldn’t be able to do a blog entry for this particular email from the 30 days of D/s. Then when I really put my mind into action I realised I did have thoughts on this subject, they maybe just aren’t as BDSM orientated as might be expected.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, myself and Bakji definitely have more kink related physical encounters, than we do encounters that are purely sexually driven. That said I am always happy to be sexually available to him. There really aren’t many occasions where I’d turn him down. This is however probably the first relationship where I’ve felt this way though, and I think that is due to the open and honest place kink has brought us to.
In previous relationship I didn’t have the words at my disposal to explain a lot of my feelings and thoughts around my sexual desires. I felt frustrated by the notion that because I was someone’s partner, that I in some way owed them sex. I think that this is a common pitfall of many relationships and without being addressed it the right manner I think it can cause all kinds of problems.
I also felt frustrated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex and would turn that inwards and get annoyed with myself for not wanting it. Sometimes I’d want to just do it anyway so that I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying no, but I could never bring myself to ‘power through’.
What was missing in those kinds of interactions was my ability to fully explain who I was as a sexual being. Despite having found my footing in FemDom, when it comes to sex without kink, I am very sexually submissive. What I never had though was someone who was sexually dominant, so the balance was never right, which made sex seem hard to get into.
Despite saying I was frustrated by the notion of ‘owing’ a partner sex, it is strangely ironic that what I actually would have liked would have been for them to take that one step further and actually have taken what it was they wanted. Obviously, this only would have worked with consent and negotiation, which at the time I did not have full awareness and understanding of.
I think I would have thrived sexually in my previous relationship if we could have established a more explicit understanding of what it meant to be sexually submissive. Instead of it being viewed as me being lazy or unwilling to be intimate. I didn’t understand it fully myself though, so I had no idea of what it was I needed to express. What ended up happening is that mismatched sexual interests, mismatched libidos and a lack of communication led to feelings of rejection, resentment and ultimately we are no longer together and this was one of our major stumbling blocks.
I’m not saying kink and D/s make for perfect communication and that they are the solution to these kinds of issues, but I do think the understanding we gain in kink of how important it is to talk about these things make a huge difference in how we approach our needs within a relationship.
Having the option there to talk about and negotiate what sexual availability means to us is invaluable I think. Doing it with a partner that understand the nuances of that though is imperative. One of the reasons I am happy to make myself sexually available to Bakji at all times is the knowledge that he knows me well enough to know when it wouldn’t be good time to make good on that arrangement. Feeling crappy with period pains? No sex thanks. Got a head full of Migraine? Again, not so much with the sex.
For me sexual availability is great if it’s with someone who is going to make the sex happen when they want it. If their idea of me being sexually available is to indicate they want me to be the sexual Top, then that doesn’t work so well. Telling me you want sex, but you want me to surprise you with sex, or make grand plans for sex, really makes me not want sex. That approach would, however, work with kink activities, so it goes to show how very awkward I am.
I must admit the majority of my unrealised fantasies are related to this subject. Which may seem strange given that it’s probably a fairly basic element to many people. It just seems tricky to spell out how you want someone to behave, when the behaviour you’re craving is impromptu and of their own volition.
Perhaps though this is something I need to explore further, maybe I need to practice what I preach and open up a dialogue on this subject. This my friends is why the 30 Days of D/s emails are awesome, you can learn things about yourself you might not have done without prompting.
If you enjoyed this post you can check out my sex archives and you might also enjoy episode 67 of ProudToBeKinky which was all about sexual technique.