I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.
This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:
Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.
Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone in non-scene life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’
His reply was priceless:
‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’
Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.
On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:
- What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
- If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
- What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?
Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.
I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.
That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.
The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.
Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:
- That we should engage in them with consensual adults
- That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
- That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them
If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.
If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.