I joined the fetish scene to explore my submissive side, so my adventures in Topping were brief and a little ill-fated. Chemistry, passion, trust and encouragement can go a long way though and those things combined with someone who is crazy hot has made Topping all of the fun.
I can’t help but smile as his breathing is restricted, just a little. It gets like that when someone is sat on your face. His body is squirming below me in frustration, and every single part of me that can feel something, is on a high. There has been more before this point, teasing and tying, kissing and caressing, moments that made the world slowly fall away. Until all I know for certain is that he exists, my focus solely on all the subtleties of his body.
Every reaction no matter how small feeds the desire he has triggered in me, every intake of breath, every moan, every gasp, the twitches, and the flinches, the stolen kisses, the sorry’s and the please’s. The adoration I feel in these moments is hard to express, when he’s bound and his senses are restricted, and his body language shifts making his submission in that moment palpable, it makes my heart soar and my knickers wet.
All his wonderful responses make me want to learn him better, so that we can delve deeper with each shared experience and our dynamic can continue to evolve, because it is quite honestly the most fun I’ve ever had. He also makes me want to be the best Top I can be, but in a way that is true to my nature. I’ve realised I don’t need to adhere to other people’s ideals, I can absolutely do this my way, and if my way is cute and kitten-ey with a side serving of feisty and that’s not your thing, then walk on by, because chances are, you’re not my thing either. His trust in being a willing, and beautifully eager, rope bunny and BDSM bottom, has given me the confidence to step outside of my comfort zone and truly enjoy and embrace another facet of myself.
I’ve loved getting to know another part of him too, watching his eyes sparkle and eagerness overflow when I mention something that involves him being subby, just gives me the warm and fuzzy’s in the best possible way, it’s also fascinating to see the difference between this and his steely-eyed, determined Domly demeanour. I’m not going to lie, both absolutely work for me, but getting to play with both is just the best.
I have also learnt a lot about myself and my kinks in the short time since I tentatively began Topping. As a bottom I struggle to articulate, even to myself what I want from a scene, but as a Top, I can envisage with the utmost clarity how I’d like a scene to pan out. It is a refreshing state of mind for me. I’ve also found that revelling in someone else’s enjoyment of certain acts, or implements, or kinks, can shine a light on just how much I actually do or don’t enjoy those things for myself.
When the kink has subsided though, and recovery mode begins, I curl into him like a kitten, for head strokes and hugs, because somehow his aftercare seems to be taking care of me. In these quiet moments, I’m still learning. Mostly because our after kink chats are random and lead to us to Wikipedia, but also because the calm, soft aftercare that follows the adrenaline rush of Toppy kink allows me to reflect and process and feel. Which is pretty handy to someone whose natural inclination is to ignore and repress.
Often, well actually always, I think of nice things to say when I’m busy freeing him from the wraps of my rope, or when I’m curled up and cosy in hug, but they inevitably get stuck, and go unsaid. As someone with a fondness for words, I am often ridiculously inept at using them. So instead I wrote this, and I hope it conveys how special and exciting I find our time together, and how very grateful I am to have him in my life.