Tag: Topdrop

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare

Aftercare – The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which those involved calm down, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

When I first joined the kink community the concept of aftercare baffled me. As someone who would not consider themselves tactile or overly affectionate I decided that aftercare wasn’t for me. I am not embarrassed to say I was wrong. I think aftercare is for everybody, and what some of us are saying when we say we don’t ‘need aftercare’ is ‘my aftercare looks different to yours’. Whether we have discovered that for ourselves or not.

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Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare”

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO”

Drop Is Real

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


Drop is something I have been on a real journey with in personal terms. When it comes to other people I really do encourage everyone to take drop seriously. Learn what is most likely to trigger it for you, accept that you will need to give yourself time to come through it, and most importantly do not be afraid to speak up when you are suffering from drop. It did however, take me a long time to take my own advice.

My first experience of drop was horrid, it wasn’t long after I joined the kink scene and it honestly made me reflect on my experiences in a largely negative way. Luckily by this point I had made good friends, and they looked after me and let me know what I was experiencing and offered me some of the tools I needed to get through it. It also presented me with an opportunity to reflect on what I wanted out of kink going forward.

Once I got a handle on what things I was more into and what I wasn’t my occurrences of drop reduced, and I became far better at judging what might cause drop and I was happy to deal with it in my own way afterwards. For me this meant taking time to do things I enjoyed, baths, reading, nice food, things like that were good for me. What getting through drop didn’t involve was other people.

Early on when experiencing drop I hadn’t quite got to grips with aftercare, and I definitely hadn’t come to terms with needing to ask other people for things. Especially not things like cuddles and affection. When I started playing with Bakji I didn’t need to ask for these things. I remember the first time we did more intimate play, and afterwards he was plying me with hugs and all I could say was words to the effect of ‘You don’t need to hug me, I don’t really need much aftercare’. This is hilarious looking back, because I was so ignorant of my own needs.

Luckily Bakji is big on physical affection and he told me that he would like to hug, if that was okay with me. So we began the process of getting me used to hugs, and then finding that actually they were pretty awesome and really effective in making me feel less droppy! With great aftercare in place I went a long time with  no drop at all. Then when Bakji started learning to suspend me, it was something I had to deal with again.

Our afternoon suspension lessons often started with a good natter with our friend MasterMHatter, who was kind enough to offer his knowledge to help Bakji learn. Then we’d do the ropey goodness, then I would dash off to work. Throughout my shift on those afternoons I would be left feeling pretty low. I felt awful having to discuss this with Bakji, I didn’t want him to think it was a reflection on how much I enjoyed being in his ropes. We did discuss it though, and we all made efforts to reorganise those afternoons so that I had more time for aftercare afterwards, and that really helped.

Again we moved into a long period of no drop. Then we switched. Bet you can guess what came next, yep, Top-Drop! If anything this was even harder for me to accept in myself than subdrop. However I fly so high when Topping, that it makes sense that sometimes there will be a bit of a come down. In those early days of Topping it was quite frequent. Luckily for me Bakji was ever vigilant and it was actually him who suggested this was why I was feeling a bit low on certain days and going forward we made sure I was getting aftercare, no matter which side of the slash I was playing on.

I must admit that sometimes I’ve felt guilty about my need for aftercare in relation to it easing my drop. Rationally I know this is ridiculous, I know that communicating these needs is healthy for both me and whoever I’m playing with. I don’t ever want it to feel like a burden though, which is how I felt about it in those early days, like I was being needy or demanding. Thankfully Bakji has been awesome for helping me embrace and enjoy the benefits and delights of aftercare, which in turn has helped me relate to my own instances of drop better.

Aftercare is definitely the main thing for me to avoid drop. Its presence doesn’t make lack of drop a certainty, especially if it was an especially intense scene, or other emotions, or factors of life are in play at the same time too. If I do drop though I am far kinder to myself than I used to be, this includes not pushing myself to deal with it alone. I always reach out to Bakji and let him know if I’m struggling, I ask for extra cuddles when it’s possible and I do things for myself that make me feel good.

I would encourage anyone who feels like the might be susceptible to drop to speak about with their partner/s sooner, rather than later and be kind to yourself, I gave myself far too much of a hard time over something that is actually completely understandable.

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