Tag: sub male

[Erotica] Addressing His Needs

SinfulSundayLips150I often mention Sinful Sunday on my blog, either when submitting and image or as part of #SoSS posts when I am able to do them. When perusing the submissions for the first weekend of June, which was prompt week, one particular image inspired a line of thinking that ended up being a full blown story. Cousin Pons posted a picture of his feet titled ‘Underneath the Arches‘, and it got me to pondering what a story where a man feet were the catalyst for action. While that isn’t necessarily the story I ended up with, I am actually very fond of the piece of fiction below that did transpire from that initial idea. Thank you Cousin Pons for triggering some inspiration and very much hope you don’t mind me mentioned you image as my starting point for this piece.

Dinner has been served and devoured. As always his culinary skills are only outdone by his commitment to serving me. He works long days, as well as performing his duties for me, and it is appreciated that he never waivers in what is asked of him. He is instructed to sit and relax for a few moments while I prepare myself for our session.

When I return to him he has fallen asleep. Dozing peacefully in his favourite chair, his feet resting on the large footstool in front of him.

Continue reading “[Erotica] Addressing His Needs”

#sorrynotsorry Stranger; I am not yours to brat & goad!

When I first joined Fetlife the messages I got were mostly disrespectful requests that I comply with a ‘Dominants’ desires. As my pictures have started including things like Latex, and crops and heels worthy of worship, messages from Dominants have ceased almost entirely and the messages from submissive have begun.

On the whole I must admit I find the messages from submissive men far less grating. They tend to be a lot more respectful than Dominants and are far more open to being ‘corrected’ if the tone of their message is a little off. Which means their chance of having a conversation with me increases.

Recently I received a message that appealed to me for information on a particular subject, something of which I have no knowledge of in terms of it being conducted in a 24/7 dynamic, so I kindly suggested Fetlife groups would probably be the best place to find information.

What followed was an admission that he was being demanding and bratty, and was essentially trying to bait me into teasing and humiliating him. Which I must admit got my hackles up and my desire to engage in further conversation was diminished.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love teasing and I don’t mind a certain amount of erotic humiliation. I also deal with a fair amount of bratting and baiting from Bakji when we play together. In fact the main way he tempted my Toppy side out to play was by being a little bratty and goading me into Topping him, once I had made my desire to switch clear.

The difference being though that the dynamic we had already established meant I was his to goad, and he regularly checks in as to whether or not I am happy to continue being on the receiving end of playful bratting. He is respectful of my wishes and is very quick to fall in line when I make it clear he needs to behave during scenes.

What I hated about the messages from the unnamed submissive was the assumption I would fall in line with his desires. With zero consideration as to whether or not it would be of any interest to me. By his own admission he was being demanding and bratty, wanting the pretty girl to be amused by his predicament and tease him about it. The problem with this scenario? I give zero fucks about his predicament, or how pent up his Mistress keeps him, that’s her business not mine. I also feel like his behaviour is also hers to deal with too, though I suspect she doesn’t actually exist so that could be tricky.

The underhand method of trying to engage me in the type of conversation he was after was rather irritating too. I often get messages that start with ‘I want …’ requests vary from wanting to be my slave, to more activity specific things like peg them while I wear my Latex. All of these requests go ignored as I just do not have the inclination to reply. However at least they’re upfront so I know what I’m dealing with. The guise of wanting my advice was the only thing that made me engage with this particular message.

When we record #ProudToBeKinky we say at the end of every episode, and in every blog post that you can message us, either via the podcast email or via our personal social media accounts if you have any questions. So due to that, and also due to my writing this blog people get in touch with genuine questions relating to kink. I absolutely want to reply to those people, and enjoy doing so. I don’t have all the answers when it comes to kink, but what information I have I am happy to share. Having my good intentions taken advantage of made me quite cross.

There was also part of me, the part of me that isn’t cynical about the existence of his Mistress, who was cross on her behalf. If indeed he is a owned and caged submissive he does seem very respectful of that fact. Yes, all dynamics are different, and we all have different expectations of how our partners will behave with others. His attitude though and the way he speaks about his situation just screamed disrespect to me. Which isn’t exactly an endearing quality when someone is trying to get you to engage in a D/s exchange, albeit a fairly mild one.

The messages with this individual have come to an end, my patience was unusually high on the day we spoke, however when he attempted once more to illicit a response from me over how I felt about my picture making him feel ‘turned-on and pent up’ and my reaction was more ‘meh’ than ‘wahey’, his messages ceased. I guess the ‘pretty girl’ just didn’t jump through the hoops presented as he had hoped.

The moral of the story? Be respectful, at all times of all people, remember people are not ‘Fetish Delivery Systems’, don’t be a douche and for the love of God do not try and bait me!

Hard Limits, Forgetfulness & Forgiveness

I read a post today on reddit about hard limits and it got me thinking. A brief paraphrased version of the post would go something like:

‘My Dom has forgotten my hard limits on multiple occasions. I believe he genuinely did forget, but I’m struggling to submit to him now that trust has been broken. Can a D/s relationship ever recover from this.’

The hard limits provided within this post were face slapping, urination, blood and knife play. Before I had read which limits had been forgotten, my initial reactions were:

  • That face slapping can be quite an impulsive reaction
  • Whereas something like knife play is surely pre-meditated
  • That once is a mistake, but twice? Hmmm … Not so sure
  • That if you need to ask if you can recover from this kind of thing, you probably can’t.

My personal hard limits are few and pretty standard, but nearly all of which would need to be pre-planned to violate them. For example, I have a hard limit of coffins being involved in my play. So if Bakji was suddenly to turn up with a coffin to pop me in, I would know he had purposely planned it. There aren’t many limits I have that I think he would be able to just ‘forget’.

However, if he did happen to slip up with my limits. Say for example there was a coffin at a Fetish Club, and he bent me over it for a spanking without thinking. I know it would be something we could get past. We have been involved together in an intimate manner for almost 2 years now. I don’t just trust him a bit, I trust him wholeheartedly. Physically and emotionally, and I know he would never intentionally do me harm or upset me. So any mistake made, would be just that, a genuine mistake.

I also know if he ever did make this kind of mistake, he’d be mortified and apologetic. As I would be if I ever made this kind of error while Topping him. I would bend over backwards to make things okay for him again, and if it took time to win his trust back I most definitely would give him all the time it took. At the end of the day, looking after each other and making sure we are in the right frame of mind for our kinky activities is paramount.

In the particular post that prompted this writing, there seemed to be some frustration on the part of the Dominant that the sub was struggling with trust issues now, and couldn’t find it in herself to submit in the way she had been doing. This to me was more of a red flag than initial mistake. We are all human, and mistakes are made, but surely how we respond to our errors is the mark of who we are.

Some mistakes are obviously harder to forgive than others, for whatever reason sometimes we just can’t get past things. For me though how someone owns their shit is far more telling than the error they made. Can you own up, apologise and make the required efforts to make amends? If so then that is what matters to me, more so than someone being a flawless human who is error free.

That said, Bakji’s hard limits are pretty much etched into my brain. As are the things he’s really into, and the things he enjoys on certain occasions. I cannot imagine forgetting any of these things, even when I’m in the heady throes of Topspace, I am so focused on him, his enjoyment or discomfort depending on the type of play we are engaging in, forgetting seems just impossible.

As they say though, pride comes before a fall, so I will  not be so arrogant as to say it will never happen. I shall instead endeavour to always remember all the things he loves the most, and ply him with those, and commit to memory all the limits hard and soft, so all our encounters are to the best of my ability as enjoyable for us both as they can possibly be.

Reader Q&A: How Do I Find a Partner to Push my Limits?

Every now and again via one medium or another that I regularly frequent, I will have some ask me for advice. First off I am touched that they think I seem like I have enough knowledge or experience to assist them, and second of all, I really can only offer my own personal perspective on any situation. So while I am more than happy to offer my advice to anyone who pops up in my inbox, please bear in mind that when I have my own problems I have to go elsewhere for advice, so unfortunately I don’t have all the answers, nor do I claim to.

Today’s question, which I am going to paraphrase, is: How can I find a Dom/sub who will push my limits and take me into new realms of BDSM explorations?

Let’s deal with some definitions first, for anyone reading and wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Limits equate to, what someone will not do (Hard Limit), what someone is hesitant to do (Soft Limit). If you are playing with someone who is safe and respectful these will be adhered to at all times. If you are currently playing with someone and they are ignoring your limits then please stop playing with them.

Anyway, back to the question at hand. When searching for the elusive Dom/sub for you, you might need to be very patient. When you take into account that only a small portion of the population are into BDSM. Then factor in the fact that when you get to the scene many of them may be in relationships or not actively seeking a partner for other reasons. Out of the small amount of people that are left that could possibly be a match for you, not only do you need to have interests that align but you also need to have some attraction and chemistry between the two of you.

Say all those conditions play to your advantage though, and you meet someone who you fancy the pants off and they feel the same about you, so you’ve talked a lot and you’ve discovered you have similar kinks and fetishes. If in that instance your thinking ‘Brilliant! Let the limit pushing commence’, you may be disappointed.

People have limits for a reason and those reasons are vast and varied. Some of the reasons may be similar to these:

  • They have no knowledge of that particular kink
  • They are simply not aroused by it
  • It may be a trigger for them
  • They might think it’s ‘icky’, the squick factor should not be underestimated.
  • They may have had a poor experience with it in the past

When you think about the reasons people have their limits, the idea of then pushing them past those limits becomes tricky. They have to be 100% receptive to wanting that limit pushed, and if you are a sub wanting a Dom to push your limits, they need to be willing to tread waters that could get a bit murky.

That’s not to say many of us don’t push our limits willingly, or find our limits have shifted as our relationships have developed. We definitely do, I think most people involved in BDSM for any length of time find themselves enjoying something they once thought wasn’t for them.

If however you have something you really want to explore, and just cannot wait to do so and you can’t envisage ever meeting anyone who will engage in your particular kink with you, then Pro-Dommes may well be your answer. By no means am I saying that this is the answer for everyone. However, I do think Pro-Dommes offer a really valuable service to the BDSM community. Not that this is necessarily an easy win. You still need to find someone you gel with, and who offers the type of Domination you require. It may well be a speedier path to self-discovery than waiting until you meet someone at a munch for example.

I also think it’s important to know why you want your particular limits pushed, in what way you want them pushed and if it’s even possible. Just because we’d like to do something, doesn’t mean we can. Sometimes there are physical and/or emotional barriers to exploring a particular kink that shouldn’t be ignored or pushed past. Even if that isn’t the case for you, it may be case for someone you’re playing with so it is always worth bearing in mind.

Myself and Bakji have been playing together for a little over 18 months, neither of us have handed the other a list of limits that we want pushed and felt like play wasn’t worthwhile if that wasn’t happening. What we have done though is spoken openly and honestly about what we really enjoy, what we’re not that into and what our limits are. As time has gone on and our trust in each other has built, the kinks and fetishes that are available to us enjoy have definitely expanded.

For example when we first started playing together any play involving feet wasn’t really on my radar, however since I began Topping using my feet as part of our scenes is quickly becoming one of my favourite things to do. However, that is very specific to Bakji. I’ve never really liked my feet being touched, for personal reasons I won’t bore you with. So while limits can change, like many things in BDSM they are fluid, and they can be put back in place at any given point.

It’s also worth noting that just because you’ve seen someone indulging in a manner of play with someone else, and then if they choose to play with you that specific act is cited as a limit, that is totally acceptable and not at all uncommon. It comes back to the gaining of trust. That other person might have spent weeks, maybe months working on that particular kink or scene with someone. Nobody gets to come along and demand or expect that same level of play or interaction until they too have put in the required time into that person.

I think the biggest factor in what has made me reconsider what limits I have with Bakji is the fact he has invested in me as a person. So I know that even if one of my hard limits was one of his favourite things, while he might be disappointed it would absolutely be okay, and we would focus on all the other things we both enjoy.

So in summary, my top tips for finding someone to push your limits are:

  • Be patient
  • Build trust
  • Be honest & open (with yourself & your partner)
  • Invest in you partner (remember they are a person, not a Fetish Delivery Service)
  • Give as much as you take
  • Start small. Some things are easier to tackle than others.


What I’ve Learned From Switching

In my last blog post I mentioned that I would soon be doing a piece on labels, and how I feel about them. For the record I mean labels like ‘Dominant, masochist & little’. Not labels you find on tins of beans or ketchup bottles. I’m afraid you’ll have to go elsewhere for your food label fetish needs. This isn’t quite that blog post, but I am going to talk about one of the many labels that could be used to describe me. Switch.

I’m still not entirely sure I’ve accepted fully that I am a switch. All the evidence points to the fact I am. However it has been a surprise to me how much I love being on the dominant side of the D/s dynamic. So it’s still something I am processing, and I am learning more and more about how to Top and the ways in which I enjoy Topping every day. Putting these thoughts aside for the moment though, I want to talk about what I love about switching. Not in general terms but in the personal ways I’ve experienced it.

I’ve always know that Bakji was a switch. Even though I initially assumed he was a sub. Watching someone get their bum whipped will do that to a newbie who hasn’t thought past people being Dominant or submissive. However when he made his Toppy intentions clear, the submissive in me jumped at the chance to play with him. I think I’ve said this once or twice before, but in case anyone missed it, he’s bloody gorgeous and he wanted to do Shibari fun with me, my Princess Parts were beyond excited.

It never occurred to me that his submissive side would impair his ability to be a good Top. Unfortunately though this is a school of thought some people on the scene still have. I have never been able to figure out that logic. If anything I think the fact he enjoys both aspects of D/s made him a better Top for me.

Even though I had an inkling that Bakji would like to try switching with me, I was so grateful to him that he never pushed the matter when I declared myself out of the running when it came to Topping. I knew deep down it was something that interested me, but less than successful previous attempts made me feel like I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. That didn’t stop me finding what he enjoyed as a submissive interesting. Whenever he spoke about what he was or wasn’t into I listened carefully. Just in case the time ever came were I was brave enough to give Topping a go.

I don’t remember what the turning point was in my wanting to Top him. All I know is that time and time again I’d look at him all manly and sexy, and I wanted to know what it would be like to to see another facet of who he is. When he Tops me he is steely eyed and determined, he can melt me in a second and I love every minute of it. When he subs though, his eyes sparkle, with a playful eagerness. He comes to me with promises of submissive rebellion, and he puts up a good fight, usually, until he gives in and that moment, where his body language shifts and he looks at me like he can’t see anything else, that moment is glorious.

I always thought there was nothing that would make me as vulnerable to someone as submitting, whether it be sexually, or as a masochist or as a rope bottom. When I submit in those ways I am indeed vulnerable, but subbing shows sides of me that I am used to showing, and that people have more often than not embraced. When I Top Bakji though I am starting to show and enjoy sides of myself I have never quite been able to be proud of. That makes me feel far more vulnerable than anything I’ve ever done when subbing has. To have him enjoy and encourage me as a Top, without criticizing or causing negative thoughts has been really liberating.

Another thought that was challenged when I started Topping was that it was my submissive side that got caught up in feelings. Sometimes I surprise even myself with the ridiculous things I think. I held my subby side fully responsible for ‘the feels’, all adoring and eager to please. Clearly, I though,  it’s the submissive in me that controls the emotions too. So imagine my horror, when I noticed that after a good old Toppy session those feelings increased ten fold. That the level of adoration I felt for Bakji didn’t decrease or even stay the same, instead it skyrocketed.

The fact he is willing to put his trust in me as I learn, and experience new things is really lovely, and just one of the many reasons I am so taken with him. He is full of ideas and knowledge of what kinky things he enjoys, and he is happy share those things with me and allow me to use that information to plan and play out kinky scenes. It has given me the opportunity to try new things and discover new likes. Some things we have discovered we enjoy together, where previously our interest was minimal or non-existent and that has also been a lot of fun.

It’s nice to know though that if I suddenly get the urge to come over all subby, Bakji knows just which buttons to press to make that happen and these past few months of Topping him haven’t had an effect on how much I love subbing for him. The thrill of his hand against my throat, is not minimised because I now know the pleasure of my own hand pressed firmly to his neck. If anything it’s all become more fun. Everything feels amplified for knowing the other side of the slash is still there to be enjoyed. Also as I once saw someone say on Instagram, ‘Payback’s a bitch when you play with a Switch.’ Which is so very true, when you know that whatever you give out will come back to bite you on the bum (quite literally if your partner is into biting), it gives an edge to play that I really enjoy.

I think the final thing I enjoy about switching is again a personal thing and may not apply to everyone, but I like the fact it removes a certain amount of pressure to be one thing or another. It allows me to flow fluidly day by day. I spent a long time feeling I had to be one a certain way, or  make certain choices,both in kink or in non-kink life. Switching allows me to let go of all the shoulds, and shouldn’ts, which is more beneficial to me than I could have realised before I gave it a go.

Podcasts & Princess Parts

Back in June 2015 I met a lovely fella, who is hella gorgeous and holy-fuck sexy, which combined with the fact he is beautifully kinky has the effect of making my Princess parts feel like there’s a party in my pants every time I see him. That alone is pretty fun, and very satisfying. However, that is not where his interesting attributes end. He is also funny, and smart and driven, and has taken it upon himself to start a kinky podcast.

#ProudToBeKinky can now be found on iTunes and acast , but it has been no mean feat getting to this point. The time and effort that has gone into it is vast and I am so honoured that I have been part of making his vision come to life, and exceptionally proud of his commitment to the endeavour. I truly believe it is a fab idea, and I wholeheartedly think it is a podcast that has something to offer.

It can be really tough finding your way in the world of fetish and kink, especially if you enter as a singleton with no one to do the scary first times with. There are so many unknowns; What is a munch? What happens at a munch? What are Fetish nights like? Are people on the scene friendly? Do I need to know what I identify as? Will I be expected to know lots about BDSM? The list is endless.

What the #ProudToBeKinky podcast aims to do is make those first ventures into the scene a lot less daunting. Myself, and the three other podcast members all took those unnerving first steps onto the scene and have never looked back. We are all kinky, all proud and all really want to help other people meet like minded friends and partners.

Now, not that I’m a shameless self promoter, okay maybe I am, a little, but the first episode of the podcast that I am actually in has now been released. In this episode, which is episode #003, myself and Bakji chat about how I got into kink, and what led me to my local fetish scene. Which is pretty fun and interesting if I do say so myself. It’s also worth noting that while I’m not personally in episodes #001 and #002, they were so much fun to listen to, so do check them out as well.

So for anyone who has seen my instagram, or read my writing in the various places it pops up, now is the chance to get to hear the voice that goes with all that. I understand completely if you all wee a little bit from excitement, it really is the dog’s doo-dahs!