Tag: Sexuality

[Erotica] I Wish I’d Taken the Photo

I wish I’d taken the photo.

He’s lying on his back, one arm at his side, the other folded under his head. The fact it is post sex means he is beautifully naked. Exactly as he should be all the time in my opinion. The gym sessions are showing, muscle definition is popping in all the right places. In all honestly I want to have the sex all over again as I look at him.

I wish I’d taken the photo.

Why is it then, if he is so glorious, that I am thinking of you?

Continue reading “[Erotica] I Wish I’d Taken the Photo”

[Sexuality] My Thoughts on Being Bisexual

Image via Pixabay

I wrote a fairly lengthy post, Coming Out – The Sexuality Version, about how I realised I was bisexual and how it took me some time to come to terms with using that particular label. However, I always knew I was bisexual, not informing everyone I met and not correcting people’s assumptions about my sexuality didn’t change the fact that I was, am and always have been bisexual.

While I didn’t always feel comfortable with the bisexual label, I was always quite comfortable with knowing I was attracted to people regardless of their gender. Other people however were never quite as accepting. So in light of it being bisexual awareness week, I’m going to discuss some of the ways in which my bisexuality has not been accepted by others.

Continue reading “[Sexuality] My Thoughts on Being Bisexual”

The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome

Back in February I wrote Poly Ramblings From a Maybe Mono Mind which probably gave the impression I should give up on non-monogamy. Then last week I wrote Exploring New (and Sexy) Things , I realise the two together possibly make for confusing reading, but I think both are really important in showing the journey I have been on in relation to non-monogamy.

I have worked really hard on finding resources and digging deep within in myself to discover what it is I want and what kind of relationship models I can be part of. I by no means have it all figured out, but I certainly feel like I am making some progress.

This weekend myself and Bakji went on a very sexy adventure. I’m going to keep some of the details purposefully vague, because I don’t want future play partners to feel like every move they make will be chronicled here, and partly because what this blog post is really about is my reactions, not necessarily the specific actions that caused them.

When we headed out on this weekends adventure I had a degree of certainty that play with other people would ensue, I didn’t know how many people that might be, or what exact acts it would entail, but I was prepared for us to explore with others. Now as ready as I felt I was, and excited too I must admit, I still had that awful worry that it wouldn’t go well. I didn’t trust myself to react as I wanted to, I had that uneasy feeling that I’d be jealous, feel left out, or just simply realise I wasn’t into it. As it happens not one of those feelings was present.

What I actually felt this weekends was amazing. We had so much fun. Not only did we connect with other people, but we connected with each other. There was no kink, which was initially terrifying, but the absence of kink gave us other avenues to explore and that in itself was delightful. We focused on sensual touch, massages were plentiful and we revelled in exploring one another’s bodies in a passionate and sensual way. Not to say kink can’t be those things it really can be, but kink sensual and sexual sensual feel very different to me.

I challenged myself in terms of opening up my personal spaces to strangers, and it felt utterly terrifying, but it was so rewarding. While I’m not likely to be allowing any old stranger to hug me, I think I have broadened my own horizons in terms of physical proximity to other people. I learnt that I can enjoy physical touch in a wider variety of ways than I led myself to believe.

One of the comments I see often about non-monogamy is how people feel closer to their partner, both physically and emotionally after exploring with another person, be that a sexual encounter or a romantic connection. I wasn’t sure I’d have this same response. I’ve got to say though, I understand that much more now. Physically I feel like my already ardent desires for Bakji have been super charged. I just want to do more sex, more kink, more everything really and more often. Emotionally, well, you won’t catch me using the ‘L’ word very often, but the best way to explain things is that I feel like the love I have instead of just being present, has taken off and is whizzing round my body, constantly reminding me of how I feel.

Another thing that I felt certain I never would get to grips with, was compersion, or at least I think that’s the best way of explaining what I did feel. There was a moment where I couldn’t help but smile knowing someone else was on the receiving end of Bakji’s attention and that he was also enjoying this exchange, it felt oddly exhilarating, but it also felt really, really good.

I was by no means left out though, there were new hands and new lips, and they were sexy and fun and the newness of them was exciting. I feel desired by Bakji all the time, and he makes me feel sexy and awesome. However that did not diminish the joy in having someone else cause those feelings too.

Two other aspects of I enjoyed and caught myself by surprise in doing so, was exhibitionism and voyeurism. Both of which felt kind of awesome to indulge in. It was wonderful to see people embracing their sexuality, and their bodies and enjoying both in so many different ways. People were glowing and happy, couples were immersed in each other, as the rest of the room fell away for a while.

Technically I guess this was us moving into the realms of being ‘swingers’ from other people’s viewpoint at least, and that’s okay, but I do think the term Swingers conjures up a certain perception that isn’t entirely correct. This honestly wasn’t what I ever imagined an event essentially based around sex to be like. It wasn’t tawdry or clichéd. It wasn’t just about finding other couples and swapping with them, going at it for x amount of time and then swapping back. It was about connecting with people and enjoying them. People were playing in all sorts of configurations. Twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and I think there were definitely some moresomes going on.

It also wasn’t just about P.I.V sex either, which in itself wasn’t completely surprising, but it was still great to see. It does still feel like for some people, in some circles that P.I.V is the end goal of physical intimacy. Providing a penis and a vagina are present of course. Seeing all sexual acts embraced and enjoyed in and of themselves by so many people felt really positive to be around.

Overall I don’t think I have come away with one negative thing to say about this experience. I am really pleased we took the plunge and decided to give it a go. I’m not for one minute saying that this means there won’t be any future wobbles, or issues to work through, I 100% expect to have to work through plenty more stuff as time goes on. I do however feel like I’ve taken some great steps in understanding and exploring myself and that can only be a good thing.

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How Do I Feel About Sexual Availability?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I’ve been staring at this topic for days now thinking I just wouldn’t be able to do a blog entry for this particular email from the 30 days of D/s. Then when I really put my mind into action I realised I did have thoughts on this subject, they maybe just aren’t as BDSM orientated as might be expected.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, myself and Bakji definitely have more kink related physical encounters, than we do encounters that are purely sexually driven. That said I am always happy to be sexually available to him. There really aren’t many occasions where I’d turn him down. This is however probably the first relationship where I’ve felt this way though, and I think that is due to the open and honest place kink has brought us to.

In previous relationship I didn’t have the words at my disposal to explain a lot of my feelings and thoughts around my sexual desires. I felt frustrated by the notion that because I was someone’s partner, that I in some way owed them sex. I think that this is a common pitfall of many relationships and without being addressed it the right manner I think it can cause all kinds of problems.

I also felt frustrated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex and would turn that inwards and get annoyed with myself for not wanting it. Sometimes I’d want to just do it anyway, so that I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying no, but I could never bring myself to ‘power through’.

What was missing in those kinds of interactions was my ability to fully explain who I was as a sexual being. Despite having found my footing in FemDom, when it comes to sex without kink, I am very sexually submissive. What I never had though was someone who was sexually dominant, so the balance was never right, which made sex seem hard to get into.

Despite saying I was frustrated by the notion of ‘owing’ a partner sex, it is strangely ironic that what I actually would have liked would have been for them to take that one step further and actually have taken what it was they wanted. Obviously this only would have worked with consent and negotiation, which at the time I did not have full awareness and understanding of.

I think I would have thrived sexually in my previous relationship if we could have established a more explicit understanding of what it meant to be sexually submissive. Instead of it being viewed as me being lazy or unwilling to be intimate. I didn’t understand it fully myself though, so I had no idea of what it was I needed to express. What ended up happening is that mismatched sexual interests, mismatched libidos and a lack of communication led to feelings of rejection, resentment and ultimately we are no longer together and this was one of our major stumbling blocks.

I’m not saying kink and D/s make for perfect communication and that they are the solution to these kinds of issues, but I do think the understanding we gain in kink of how important it is to talk about these things make a huge difference in how we approach our needs within a relationship.

Having the option there to talk about and negotiate what sexual availability means to us is invaluable I think. Doing it with a partner that understand the nuances of that though is imperative. One of the reasons I am happy to make myself sexually available to Bakji at all times is the knowledge that he knows me well enough to know when it wouldn’t be good time to make good on that arrangement. Feeling crappy with period pains? No sex thanks. Got a head full of Migraine? Again, not so much with the sex.

For me sexual availability is great if it’s with someone who is going to make the sex happen when they want it. If their idea of me being sexually available is to indicate they want me to be the sexual Top, then that doesn’t work so well. Telling me you want sex, but you me to surprise you with sex, or make grand plans for sex, really makes me not want sex. That approach would however work with kink activities, so it goes to show how very awkward I am.

I must admit the majority of my unrealised fantasies are related to this subject. Which may seem strange given that it’s probably a fairly basic element to many people. It just seem tricky to spell out how you want someone to behave, when the behaviour you’re craving is impromptu and of their own volition.

Perhaps though this is something I need to explore further, maybe I need to practice what I preach and open up a dialogue on this subject. This my friends is why the 30 Days of D/s emails are awesome, you can learn things about yourself you might not have done without prompting.

What Titles and Labels Do I Prefer?

N.B: This blog post was inspired by an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I’ve written a couple of things about labels before, Debauched Dyamics & Letting Go of Labels and Licentious Labels & Being a Kinky Nomad! As you can see my kink label has definitely evolved a lot since I first joined the community. After a long time of stubbornly not having a kink label, I did finally select one on Fetlife and I went for Switch. It terms of D/s play this is, for the most part, accurate. I still feel like I mostly choose and use labels for other people though. Which is how I felt when I’d tell people I was bisexual. I’m just me, I don’t find the ability to identify myself as a bisexual switch remotely enhances any of the connections I make with people.

I do understand why people use and embrace the labels that suit them though, and I am not wanting to diminish that at all. I understand that some people have had to fight for the right to use their chosen label without persecution, or that there are some people who love to be open about what their label means to them but for many reasons can’t be. I will also support and champion anyone who is an advocate for their label of choice.

For me I think my ambivalence about my own labels is due to them always being something that people see as on the fence. My bisexuality has always been met with ‘when will just admit you’re gay’? Or ‘oh, are you straight now?’ The lack of understanding about bisexuality being a valid and honest description of my sexuality made me feel like there was no point in using it a way to explain myself. I think being a Switch is often met with the same kinds of responses. People often just ignore you can enjoy both facets of D/s and just put you into the box that suits them. It can be frustrating, and can again make you feel reluctant to own your label and run with it.

As for titles, well they’re not currently something we use at all. Not even the regular ones people use when they’re not kinky. I thought I’d get to a point where this would bother me, that eventually I’d want some sort of special title to make me and my feelings feel validated. The longer I spend with Bakji the though, the less important this feels. 

We’ve discussed the use of honorifics in scene a few times. When I was doing the subbing in our early days they were pretty much a no go. There just wasn’t anything that seemed to fit, and I never fancied doing something like that just for the sake of it. If isn’t going to enhance a scene then there doesn’t seem much point to it. Plus the thought of certain words coming out of my mouth just makes me want to burst out laughing. Again, other people using them, brilliant, in fact hearing other people use their chosen titles is one of the things I enjoy about the kink scene, it’s usually very endearing and sometimes it’s a little bit hot. 

Now though, I would be the one on the receiving end of any titles used, and early on in the foray into FemDom I thought that wasn’t for me, but over a year down the line maybe my mind is shifting. I would say I’d still be an in scene only kind of girl, but let’s be honest, if Bakji decided that calling me Goddess on a daily basis was his new desire I probably wouldn’t shoot him down in flames for doing so. Who wouldn’t love to be reminded of that status on a regular basis.

However that said, we’ve yet to find the right moment to work honorifics into our scenes. I’d say it’s definitely on the list of things to include. With Goddess being the mutually approved title of choice. Which fits in well with the fact I am a big fan of being worshipped, it all ties in together rather nicely. 

Another title I feel quite an affinity to is Queen. I quite often use it when writing because it helps me make certain points rather well. For example when talking about Facesitting, I’ve explained how it makes me feel like the Queen of everything. Bakji’s face becomes the best throne in the world and sitting there makes me feel powerful, strong and ready to take on the world. I’m not quite sure I could imagine Bakji using it in scene though, but you never know, stranger things have definitely happened.

I think this is definitely an evolving part of my kink, and it will be interesting to see how changes over time. Watch this space for future updates. 

Are Pink Bows the Unknown Cause of Homosexuality?

As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I am the Mother of a small human, he is 5, and he is of the boy variety, which is relevant for this post. Although that said he doesn’t yet understand pronouns, and in fact is still mastering when to use them correctly in a sentence, for example there’s a lot of ‘him jumped, or her said’. So I’m not sure how relevant his gender is to his everyday life. He’s also yet to ask many of the big questions we have to navigate as parents, and is still in the phase of acceptance many of us lose as we grow older. 

Who he is when he grows up in terms of gender, sexuality and lifestyle choices matters far less to me than his happiness. I also hope that as well as being happy he is a decent human being. I try as best I can to let him be who he wants to be, even at 5. Right now all he really wants to be is funny, which is pretty cute. He just wants to make everyone laugh. He also wants to be kind to everyone, and gets upset when he sees other people acting unkindly. These are qualities I do not want to quash.

The later half of last week he was a poorly bunny, nothing serious, but he was tired, with a temperature and generally not himself. A small burst of energy had him brushing my hair and bringing me all my colourful, beaded bracelets and necklaces, so he could put them on me. Picking up a necklace he pops it on his head and asks me if that is what it is for. To me he looks utterly adorable, a pink bow just off centre made the whole image even cuter.

Being a Mum in this digital world is great, I was immediately able to capture the moment and share it with family and friends on Facebook. There was also a video complete with him doing a hula dance, which made my day, especially as he was so lethargic up until this point.

When I shared this picture and video on Facebook I never imagined it would prompt a writing for my blog, a blog that is predominantly about kinky stuff, I sometimes touch upon sexuality, but not often, because it really isn’t my forte. A family member made a comment that made my blood boil though, and ranting about it on here is really my best outlet.

The comment in question being ‘Nip that in the bud. Straight away.’ With a thumbs down emoji and then some kisses. The kisses I’m guessing make the whole comment okay! It could be that my uncle just has a hatred for bows, but I know, because I know him and the type of circles he runs in that this is about inciting gayness. To me though this is also telling me to stop allowing my child to be who he is, which is a funny little boy who cares enough to want to make Mummy laugh with a silly dance.

Another reason his comment made me so furious is that this uncle in question has a gay niece (my cousin), who is married to a woman, who is accepted and loved for who she is. I know 100% though, that a male coming out in our family would be ‘a fairy, a queer, bent etc’ and the question would be, ‘How did we make him gay?’ The rage this causes in me is hard to explain and it makes me wonder if this is still a widespread type of thinking?

As a bisexual woman I’ve faced my fair share of stupid comments:

  • You’re just greedy/scared of missing out (So greedy, that’s why my life is one constant orgy, oh wait, no it’s not)
  • When are you going to pick a side (hmmm … How about … never?)
  • Oh so you’re straight again/a lesbian again (depending on gender of my partner)
  • You must prefer one or the other (Must I? Really?)
  • You must love threesomes (Um, I hate to disappoint you but not so much)
  • How can you be trusted not to cheat? (There isn’t a big enough eye roll for this one)

The list could go on and on, but I’ll leave it there. My point is that I get that people make dumb comments about things they don’t understand, but are some people really so ignorant that they still don’t accept that sexuality is just who we are, and not the product of being allowed to wear pink bows as a child? Unless I’m the ignorant one and pink bows really are the route of all things non-hetero.

I have tried to unravel the thought process behind comments like the one that got me angry, and wondering why gay girls are okay and gay dudes not so much, and everything I come up with just makes me more angry. They either invalidate lesbian relationships, or paint gay men as predators with no self-control. 

It makes me sad that views like this are held by people close to me. It makes me even sadder to know that my friends who are transgender, genderfluid, non-binary or anything other than cisgendered would be vilified even more than a gay man would be. That my lifestyle and the people I choose to have in my life would be frowned upon, laughed at or dismissed as somehow immoral.

I didn’t write this to show how enlightened I am, because I’m certain I have a long way to go or to show how great and progressive my parenting is, because it really isn’t. I wrote it because I am disappointed. I’m disappointed that more people aren’t ready to learn about and embrace people who are different to them. I am learning all the time, and the best way to learn is by interacting with awesome people who challenge the way we think and show us new ways to see the world.

While this was prompted by a comment about sexuality, my thoughts on the matter reflect how I feel about most differences that we can have with other people. Which on many occassions has led to be being called a ‘free loving liberal hippy’, I am certain this is meant to be an insult, but I’m still trying to figure out why.  Better a free loving liberal hippy than an ignorant bigot.

 

Weekend Round-Up: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words. What an unfortunate title for a blog post in which I use my words. Bear with me though, somehow, despite the fact I am writing after only 3 hours sleep, I will have a point. I hope!

It’s not often I do a round-up of my weekends. Despite the fact that recently they have been pretty full on. Unless you are actively there though the accounts of them would end up becoming a little repetitive, and that is no fun for a blog. This weekend though the fun we’ve had feels very reflective of the ethos of the podcast, and I really wanted to share with everyone that we really do practice what we preach.

In nearly every episode of #ProudToBeKinky that we have released we have made one or both of the following points; 1. Go to a munch, 2. Go to fetish events. Yes there is normally more to those points, like, go to a munch if you want to make kinky friends, and try and go to the bigger fetish events with someone, and we try our very best to offer information that will make doing those things seem a lot less daunting.

I often worry though that you guys sat at home listening to us might be thinking, ‘well that’s easy for you to say, you have each other’, and in part you’d be right. Making friends as a duo is not without its difficulties though. It’s also worth bearing in mind that both myself and Bakji joined the kink community as singletons and met each other on the scene, through our awesome kinky friends that we met at our local munch. So we did indeed make those first few steps all alone.

It was as a couple though that we started going to London for events, which takes us anywhere from 2 hours to 4 hours depending on which motorways they’ve randomly decided to close. By the way, thanks a lot M3 for yesterday’s diversions! They were an absolute joy! The reason we persist with the travel, is because we wanted to meet more awesome people and experience a wider variety of events.

There were many events that we went to where we spoke to no-one new. We enjoy each other’s company, and we can easily entertain each other with conversation and play. Which means we didn’t always push ourselves as much as we could have done to make friends. Perhaps by virtue of the podcast though we finally made those vital next steps in making new friends, which is actually much harder than it sounds. So we absolutely appreciate that these things are not easy.

Last night though we went to a brilliant event, SlapStick Club, (you can find out more about this event in Episode 23 of #ProudToBeKinky) and we had people we knew to say hello to, and very lovely people they are too and in June we are heading to an event in Brighton with another couple of friends who we met at a totally different event in Kent. It has taken us time, a year in fact, but we are now getting to enjoy events with people who we can chat to, exchange ideas with, maybe do a little bit of rope with and generally have a really brilliant time.

Friendships take time to build, and you need to invest in them as much as you do any other relationship, but it’s so much fun getting to know people and starting new adventures with awesome people joining you along the way.

So next time you’re listening to the podcast and we are saying for the millionth time to get to a munch or fetish event, remember our actions support our message and we only bang on about it so much because we just want everyone who is listening to us to have the kind of people in their life that will make it truly amazing.

Reddit Inspired: Munches … Why Do We Go?

I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.

This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:

Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.

Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone  in non-scene  life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’

His reply was priceless:

‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’

Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.

On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:

  1. What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
  2. If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
  3. What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?

Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.

I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.

That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.  

The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.

Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:

  • That we should engage in them with consensual adults
  • That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
  • That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them

If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.

If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.

When Normal Supports The Unconventional

As I mentioned briefly in my last blog post, myself and Bakji are a few months off having been intimately involved for 2 years. I must admit when we first started spending time together I didn’t envisage us being involved for much more than a few months. Not because I wasn’t into him, I really, really was. However, I was in strange place with relationships generally and his views were staunch and well publicised each time we met, I honestly felt that at some point our needs would be too different to continue. Here we are though, not a couple of months, but a couple of years later, I sometimes wonder how exactly have we made it this far.

We had a somewhat awkward moment last weekend though, that made me realise how important some things we do together are to me, and how they have helped things grow between us.

I will give brief version of the awkward scenario, just for giggles, before I move on to my main points. There we were, house sitting for my Dad & his girlfriend, about 30 minutes after the end of a pretty intense scene. Kinky stuff all over the place, both half naked, mid-way through getting dressed, when there’s a noise at the door. My dad, who has never once returned early from these trips, is indeed early, by about 4 hours. Cue me answering the door in my leggings and bra, trying to explain why they can’t come into their own house.

‘There’s stuff everywhere’ I say, emphasising the word stuff, praying my dad will get that I mean my weird stuff. But no …

‘We don’t care about that’ he says looking perplexed.

Without another thought i just blurt out ‘Bakji’s naked’.

Which actually works, they realise what they’ve stumbled into and go off for a coffee while we gather ourselves together. Like teenagers who’ve just been caught ‘doing it’, we hurriedly hid all our kinky wares, including removing some very kinky looking shiny black palette wrap from a gym bench. I did however have to explain why I had a gym bench in my car at a later point! Then once that was all done, Bakji headed back to his, I headed off to pick my son up from his Dad’s, and just like that normal life took over.

That evening I felt at a bit of a loss, I always miss Bakji when we’re apart, but saying proper goodbyes and receiving as many hugs as possible before parting make the pangs of missing him much easier. I realised then how important some of our ‘normal’ is facilitating what is a fairly unconventional relationship in some people’s views.

As I’ve touched upon before, and is probably obvious from above we don’t live together, and neither of us have any intentions of doing so in the future. There are a few other things we don’t do that I always considered not only normal for relationships, but things you had to do to validate your relationship, such as:

  • We don’t see each other every day
  • We don’t do family events together
  • It took a long time for the words ‘relationship’ & ‘couple’ to come into play
  • We still don’t use girlfriend/boyfriend
  • Though not currently actively poly, we’re not monogamous either, though that is less of a factor for me than it is for Bakji

I am very open with everyone I know about my life. So all my friends and family know I have a Bakji in my life, and it takes about one mention of him for them to realise what kind of relationship we have. So when I then start explaining the finer details they tend to get very confused. They don’t understand how I can be happy with what they see as deficiencies, purely because they would seek more time or need more clarity in their own personal relationships.

What I have come to realise in my time with Bakji though is that having the things I need to have, is far more important to me than having the things people think I should have. I don’t need a live in partner or someone to wear the boyfriend label, what I want is someone who makes me happy and will go on adventures with me, I want to be passionate about them and I want more than anything to be a positive presence in their life.

I never really thought about why I’m happy doing things the way we do though, especially as it is so different to how I’ve done things before. I think what it boils down to though, is the things we do that support our relationship and help it grow, they keep me from needing to ask for those more conventional things out of fear or insecurity. Not that I’m saying that’s why other people do those things, but in my current situation I think it’s an accurate reflection for me.

I’m also not trying to claim I’m never insecure either, but that is probably a blog post for another day. However on the whole, I’m secure enough to be happy in what we have. But this weekend has definitely shown me that without the positive things we do to reinforce what we have, things would probably be very different.

I don’t find physical affection that natural to engage in, Bakji however is the exact opposite, and I’ve recently realised just how much I need the hugs and the physical closeness, when those things are absent, even if I’ve spent the whole day with Bakji, I miss him terribly, in a way that starts to feel unmanageable because it will manifest into other more unwelcome feelings. So I’m grateful that he is always ready to ply me with hugs and kisses, and that I am I hope getting better at initiating these things myself.

I’ve also become quite fond of our daily messages, and our good mornings and goodnights. This isn’t something we sat down and decided we should do, it just seems to have evolved organically. That daily contact though, makes me feel connected to him in a way I wouldn’t if we just caught up on things at the weekend. I like hearing about his day, and telling him about mine.

I never really thought about those little things before and about what they meant to me. How important those normal everyday actions are in supporting us navigate our slightly less conventional relationship, and I’m so grateful for all those little things.

Hard Limits, Forgetfulness & Forgiveness

I read a post today on reddit about hard limits and it got me thinking. A brief paraphrased version of the post would go something like:

‘My Dom has forgotten my hard limits on multiple occasions. I believe he genuinely did forget, but I’m struggling to submit to him now that trust has been broken. Can a D/s relationship ever recover from this.’

The hard limits provided within this post were face slapping, urination, blood and knife play. Before I had read which limits had been forgotten, my initial reactions were:

  • That face slapping can be quite an impulsive reaction
  • Whereas something like knife play is surely pre-meditated
  • That once is a mistake, but twice? Hmmm … Not so sure
  • That if you need to ask if you can recover from this kind of thing, you probably can’t.

My personal hard limits are few and pretty standard, but nearly all of which would need to be pre-planned to violate them. For example, I have a hard limit of coffins being involved in my play. So if Bakji was suddenly to turn up with a coffin to pop me in, I would know he had purposely planned it. There aren’t many limits I have that I think he would be able to just ‘forget’.

However, if he did happen to slip up with my limits. Say for example there was a coffin at a Fetish Club, and he bent me over it for a spanking without thinking. I know it would be something we could get past. We have been involved together in an intimate manner for almost 2 years now. I don’t just trust him a bit, I trust him wholeheartedly. Physically and emotionally, and I know he would never intentionally do me harm or upset me. So any mistake made, would be just that, a genuine mistake.

I also know if he ever did make this kind of mistake, he’d be mortified and apologetic. As I would be if I ever made this kind of error while Topping him. I would bend over backwards to make things okay for him again, and if it took time to win his trust back I most definitely would give him all the time it took. At the end of the day, looking after each other and making sure we are in the right frame of mind for our kinky activities is paramount.

In the particular post that prompted this writing, there seemed to be some frustration on the part of the Dominant that the sub was struggling with trust issues now, and couldn’t find it in herself to submit in the way she had been doing. This to me was more of a red flag than initial mistake. We are all human, and mistakes are made, but surely how we respond to our errors is the mark of who we are.

Some mistakes are obviously harder to forgive than others, for whatever reason sometimes we just can’t get past things. For me though how someone owns their shit is far more telling than the error they made. Can you own up, apologise and make the required efforts to make amends? If so then that is what matters to me, more so than someone being a flawless human who is error free.

That said, Bakji’s hard limits are pretty much etched into my brain. As are the things he’s really into, and the things he enjoys on certain occasions. I cannot imagine forgetting any of these things, even when I’m in the heady throes of Topspace, I am so focused on him, his enjoyment or discomfort depending on the type of play we are engaging in, forgetting seems just impossible.

As they say though, pride comes before a fall, so I will  not be so arrogant as to say it will never happen. I shall instead endeavour to always remember all the things he loves the most, and ply him with those, and commit to memory all the limits hard and soft, so all our encounters are to the best of my ability as enjoyable for us both as they can possibly be.