Tag: Sex

[Erotica] I Wish I’d Taken the Photo

I wish I’d taken the photo.

He’s lying on his back, one arm at his side, the other folded under his head. The fact it is post sex means he is beautifully naked. Exactly as he should be all the time in my opinion. The gym sessions are showing, muscle definition is popping in all the right places. In all honestly I want to have the sex all over again as I look at him.

I wish I’d taken the photo.

Why is it then, if he is so glorious, that I am thinking of you?

Continue reading “[Erotica] I Wish I’d Taken the Photo”

[Life] Ten Songs That Give Me Sexy Feels

Image via Pixabay

When Bakji and I get our kink on we don’t always play to music, but when we do I love the vibe the songs I enjoy add to the atmosphere. I know a lot of people don’t enjoy playing alongside music at all, but I’m always intrigued to see what songs make the list for those of us that do. 

Get ready to feel sexy, because these are my top 10 songs (in no particular order) that get my sexy motor running. I’m going to give you 5 that get me feeling dirty, mean and extremely FemDom and 5 that slow me down, and give way to the softer feels that our D/s exchanges give me.

Sick Like Me by In This Moment

Is it sick of me
To need control of you?
Is it sick to make
You beg the way I do?

I love this song so much. It is my FemDom anthem. When I put this song on I can feel my internal FemDom pulling on her gloves and heels and getting ready for action. It is so sexy to play to as well. Just to clarify I don’t think I am ‘sick’ for being into the things I am, but if it legitimately was a sickness I would not want the cure. Other In This Moment songs on my list are Adrenalize and Whore.

Perfect Drug – Nine Inch Nails

I got my head but my head is unraveling
Can’t keep control can’t keep track of where it’s traveling
I got my heart but my heart’s no good
You’re the only one that’s understood

Not only is this song super sexy and perfect for kinky play times, there is a Fetish porn video out there with this song as it’s accompaniment. It is beyond hot. This song gives me so many sexy images in my head.  Other NIN songs on my list are Closer and Ringfinger.

Personal Jesus – Marilyn Manson

Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares

Something about Marilyn Manson’s music seems to ooze eroticism for me. Esepcially when he takes a decent song and makes it so much darker and better. Personal Jesus, You’re So Vain and Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) all feature on my sexy tunes playlist.  

Pony – Ginuwine

The things I will do to you
You and your body
Every single portion
Send chills up and down your spine
Juices flowing down your thigh

I am not going to lie … I love the Magic Mike films, Channing Tatum is fucking dreamy as they come, and watching him gyrate his hips and flex his muscles gives me literal tingles in the foo area. The soundtrack to Magic Mike XXL is awesome and this is one of my favourites. For anyone who finds the objectification of male strippers or the male form offensive, you probably shouldn’t watch the video below!

Lie – Black Light Burns

These animals, they operate
On jealousy and lust
I’m taking back what was lost
And I will not be denied

Not only do I enjoy the sexiness of this song, but also the video too. Not only is it musically sexy but it has certain words in there that trigger my kinky feels when used in the right context. I’m a big fan of the whole album this song comes off and another particular favourite is Cruel Melody which also features during sexy times.

Bruises – Lewis Capaldi

I’ve been told, I’ve been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind
Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side

Fair warning this song isn’t really sexy, or kinky, it’s about breaking up and missing something you had with someone. When I hear the word bruises sang so beautifully though I just go to a place of the feels.

Fall at your Feet  – Boy and Bear

And whenever I fall at your feet
You let your tears rain down on me
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

I think most people know the original of this by Crowded House. While I love that version, there is something about the Boy and Bear cover that just puts a totally different spin on it for me. From beginning everything about this song just screams D/s dynamic to me. Not just from a kink perspective either, this song always makes me think about the intimacy of D/s and how it has helped me build a connection with Bakji in a way I never have with anyone else.

Wicked Game – Stone Sour

What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you

I have always been a huge fan of this song, and the Chris Isaak original is glorious. There are so many covers of this song, many of which are really decent versions of it. There is something about the Stone Sour version though that just makes my heart ache. I think it’s the rougher, rockier edge to it. It’s less of a ballad and more, ‘fuck, that was a wicked game’.

Never Be The Same – Camilla Cabello

Just one hit of you, I knew I’ll never be the same
It’s you, babe
And I’m a sucker for the way that you move, babe

I’ve often said that FemDom gives me a high that is quite honestly addictive, and when I’m in full FemDom headspace it feels like something very palpable is running through my veins. This song reminds me of that feeling.

Starving – Hailee Steinfeld

I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you
Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo
By the way, by the way, you do things to my body
I didn’t know that I was starving till I tasted you

I had no idea, none at all, that I would take to FemDom with such a fierce and passionate appreciation for everything it entails. It wasn’t until I tried it with Bakji that I finally found my feet with it, and once I did, there was no stopping me. Also there is fishnet sexiness in the video, so I’m definitely putting this in the FemDom feels pile. 

Those are some of my favourites but what are yours. I’d love to hear what your favourite sexy songs are, whether that’s for kink, sex or getting a romantic vibe on the go.


If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Review] Nexus Revo Prostate Massager

When I received the email from Lovehoney to say we were receiving the Nexus Revo Slim Remote Controlled Rotating Silicone Prostate Massager in exchange for an honest review, I was delighted. I couldn’t wait to tell Bakji and he too was excited, as we both hoped this product would advance our adventures in prostate play.

IMG_6704Currently our best experience has been with the Lovehoney Desire Luxury USB Rechargeable Remote Control Prostate Massager, but the Nexus Revo promised so much more, and at the double the price I really hoped it would deliver.

In terms of aesthetics, both packaging and product are appealing. A storage pouch is also included, though having previously had two Nexus controllers break, I am inclined to keep this product in the box, just to be on the safe side.

My first thoughts on the Revo were that is feels lovely, the silicone is soft and smooth, and it feel like a good quality product. The vibrations felt nice and strong in my hand, and the rotating shaft felt like it might be a bit of a game changer in terms of prostate stimulation.

As with our previous Nexus product the controls are also easy to use, and charging is simple and effective. Charging time in somewhere under an hour, and play time is around 90 minutes. The added bonus for some people is that it is also waterproof, which not only makes it easy to clean, it can also be used for sexy bath time or shower adventures, which could potentially work out really well for those people who are worried about anal play ‘accidents’ but still really want to explore.

When the time came to use the Revo in a sexy way, we were all set. Bakji was restrained, in what i must admit was a really fun position, involving our suspension point, our gym bench and lots of rope.  I had lots of lube, my sexy medical gloves were on and we were ready to go. In terms of size, and ease of insertion this toy was great, it’s not overly daunting, and would likely be a nice first prostate massager based on that criteria. So in it went and with baited breath I turned the Revo on ….

…. Oh! Bakji’s reactions are not as intense as I’d anticipated. I immediately noticed that the vibrations and rotating shaft didn’t have the instant effect that some of our other vibrating butt plugs and prostate massagers tend to have. I tried a variety of approaches, leaving just the vibrations on, focus more on the rotating shaft, but all in all I just had a feeling it wasn’t blowing his mind, and it certainly didn’t make him blow his load. That was me, credit for that scenes ejaculation is all mine.

While we did use the Revo throughout our scene, my thoughts had turned from lots of excitement to slightly anticlimactic. Our scene was awesome and super sexy, but I couldn’t help but feel the Revo hadn’t enhanced it as much as I’d hoped. When discussing the product with Bakji afterwards he seconded my thoughts.

While the rotating shaft wasn’t at all unpleasant, he mostly knew it was one because he could hear it, as opposed to being able to feel it. It certainly wasn’t giving him the prostate massage we were promised.

The vibrations that stimulate the perineum are good, but don’t seem to stimulate as well as other products, and not really any better than holding one of my own vibrators against that area. Which I do often, so have a fair few memories of it working really well. The best part of the perineum vibrations was when I sat against it and used it for clitoral stimulation, which because the vibrations seem to be focused more on the out part of the product actually work really well.

We also had a bit of an issue with it staying in place, and it seemed determined to slide out, which isn’t great as the idea of something like this for us is for my hands to busy elsewhere while the prostate massager does its thing. While this does happen with a variety of anal toys, we have had great success with other, lower cost products staying put.

Unfortunately when you weigh up cost versus effectiveness this product absolutely falls short. The words ‘intense p-spot massage’ are used in the product description on Lovehoney and there really wasn’t anything intense about it at all. It was definitely pleasant, and it is far from being an awful product, it’s good, but for what it costs I really do want it to be great.

If you’re new to prostate and/or anal play, don’t want anything too powerful and haveIMG_6703.jpg £149.99 burning a hole in your pocket then by all means give this a go. To be honest though it wouldn’t be our top recommendation.


This product and others will be featuring in a future episode of #ProudToBeKinky, where myself and Bakji will be discussing some of the products we have recently used and the experiences we have had with them. If there are any products you would like to hear us discuss then please do let me know, you can also contact us if you have a product you would like to send us in exchange for an honest review.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

[Erotica] Something Wicked This Way Comes

I can hear the rhythmic tapping of her nails, sharp enough to draw blood with the lightest touch, with a dark glossy shine seeming to emphasise their danger. She’s whispering in time to the beat of her tapping, ‘something wicked this way comes, something wicked this way comes’, over and over, the mantra that summons me.

In the darkness I keep my eyes closed, I try to will her away, to deny her the chance to entice me. I reach my hand across to the other side of the bed to feel his warmth, to keep me focused, to keep me present, as my hand finds his chest though, firm and hot beneath the icy chill of my own hand, I feel my cunt begin to tingle as my eyelids open in a flash.

I’d forgotten how beautiful she is, everything about her is dark and beguiling, apart from her skin, which seems so pale as to highlight the true depths of her darkness. Her long, glossy hair is so unnaturally black, I recall touching it once and wondering if it was coloured by all the dark wicked things she’d done. Her eyes certainly reflect the depths of depravity that make her presence so irresistible.

‘Come to me.’

Continue reading “[Erotica] Something Wicked This Way Comes”

[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

Image via Pixabay

Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

Continue reading “[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles”

[Erotica] Borrowing his Toy

Image Via Pixabay

I walked into the guest bedroom, to deliver fresh towels for her shower and the view I was confronted with stopped me in my paces. Lying on the bed, already undressed, her back her bum, her long shapely legs all there for me to see and enjoy. My cunt twitched and my imagination started to kick in. Oh the things I could do to her, the things I had done to her, but not now, she wasn’t here for me. She was here for him, and I had promised myself I would not interfere.

As I made my presence known, she sat up and span around to face me. Her nakedness was of no issue to her, legs relaxed, casually displaying what I saw to be a wet and ready cunt. Why? Why did she have to look so bloody enticing? The sparkle in her eyes didn’t help much either, she always looked so playful and eager. Even when we were doing mundane things like eating dinner or taking a walk. She was like a playful, lovable puppy, and about as hard to resist as one too.

Continue reading “[Erotica] Borrowing his Toy”

The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome

Back in February I wrote Poly Ramblings From a Maybe Mono Mind which probably gave the impression I should give up on non-monogamy. Then last week I wrote Exploring New (and Sexy) Things , I realise the two together possibly make for confusing reading, but I think both are really important in showing the journey I have been on in relation to non-monogamy.

I have worked really hard on finding resources and digging deep within in myself to discover what it is I want and what kind of relationship models I can be part of. I by no means have it all figured out, but I certainly feel like I am making some progress.

This weekend myself and Bakji went on a very sexy adventure. I’m going to keep some of the details purposefully vague, because I don’t want future play partners to feel like every move they make will be chronicled here, and partly because what this blog post is really about is my reactions, not necessarily the specific actions that caused them.

When we headed out on this weekends adventure I had a degree of certainty that play with other people would ensue, I didn’t know how many people that might be, or what exact acts it would entail, but I was prepared for us to explore with others. Now as ready as I felt I was, and excited too I must admit, I still had that awful worry that it wouldn’t go well. I didn’t trust myself to react as I wanted to, I had that uneasy feeling that I’d be jealous, feel left out, or just simply realise I wasn’t into it. As it happens not one of those feelings was present.

What I actually felt this weekends was amazing. We had so much fun. Not only did we connect with other people, but we connected with each other. There was no kink, which was initially terrifying, but the absence of kink gave us other avenues to explore and that in itself was delightful. We focused on sensual touch, massages were plentiful and we revelled in exploring one another’s bodies in a passionate and sensual way. Not to say kink can’t be those things it really can be, but kink sensual and sexual sensual feel very different to me.

I challenged myself in terms of opening up my personal spaces to strangers, and it felt utterly terrifying, but it was so rewarding. While I’m not likely to be allowing any old stranger to hug me, I think I have broadened my own horizons in terms of physical proximity to other people. I learnt that I can enjoy physical touch in a wider variety of ways than I led myself to believe.

One of the comments I see often about non-monogamy is how people feel closer to their partner, both physically and emotionally after exploring with another person, be that a sexual encounter or a romantic connection. I wasn’t sure I’d have this same response. I’ve got to say though, I understand that much more now. Physically I feel like my already ardent desires for Bakji have been super charged. I just want to do more sex, more kink, more everything really and more often. Emotionally, well, you won’t catch me using the ‘L’ word very often, but the best way to explain things is that I feel like the love I have instead of just being present, has taken off and is whizzing round my body, constantly reminding me of how I feel.

Another thing that I felt certain I never would get to grips with, was compersion, or at least I think that’s the best way of explaining what I did feel. There was a moment where I couldn’t help but smile knowing someone else was on the receiving end of Bakji’s attention and that he was also enjoying this exchange, it felt oddly exhilarating, but it also felt really, really good.

I was by no means left out though, there were new hands and new lips, and they were sexy and fun and the newness of them was exciting. I feel desired by Bakji all the time, and he makes me feel sexy and awesome. However that did not diminish the joy in having someone else cause those feelings too.

Two other aspects of I enjoyed and caught myself by surprise in doing so, was exhibitionism and voyeurism. Both of which felt kind of awesome to indulge in. It was wonderful to see people embracing their sexuality, and their bodies and enjoying both in so many different ways. People were glowing and happy, couples were immersed in each other, as the rest of the room fell away for a while.

Technically I guess this was us moving into the realms of being ‘swingers’ from other people’s viewpoint at least, and that’s okay, but I do think the term Swingers conjures up a certain perception that isn’t entirely correct. This honestly wasn’t what I ever imagined an event essentially based around sex to be like. It wasn’t tawdry or clichéd. It wasn’t just about finding other couples and swapping with them, going at it for x amount of time and then swapping back. It was about connecting with people and enjoying them. People were playing in all sorts of configurations. Twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and I think there were definitely some moresomes going on.

It also wasn’t just about P.I.V sex either, which in itself wasn’t completely surprising, but it was still great to see. It does still feel like for some people, in some circles that P.I.V is the end goal of physical intimacy. Providing a penis and a vagina are present of course. Seeing all sexual acts embraced and enjoyed in and of themselves by so many people felt really positive to be around.

Overall I don’t think I have come away with one negative thing to say about this experience. I am really pleased we took the plunge and decided to give it a go. I’m not for one minute saying that this means there won’t be any future wobbles, or issues to work through, I 100% expect to have to work through plenty more stuff as time goes on. I do however feel like I’ve taken some great steps in understanding and exploring myself and that can only be a good thing.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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Exploring New (and Sexy) Things

When I first started this blog it was because I felt like I was on the precipice of exploring polyamory, and I thought that having a place to chronicle that journey would be useful, not only to myself but maybe to others who were also trying to navigate those waters themselves. Less as a resource and more as a way to connect with people in similar situations.

As it happens this blog has become far more about my musings surrounding kink and the kink community. Which is brilliant because they are things I’m definitely passionate about, and that it what I have spent the majority of the last two years exploring. It has also been wonderful to connect with people who are also interested in kink in both similar and different ways to myself.

That said non-monogamy and/or polyamory had always been in the future of mine and Bakji’s partnership. I didn’t always know how I felt about that, I have always been involved in monogamous relationships, and I wrote about how I sometimes feel trapped between the desire to be polyamorous and having what I felt to be an overridingly mono mind. I did at times feel like my struggles would be what eventually ended the romantic/sexy side of our relationship. I think I massively underestimated Bakji though and the connection and friendship we have built. Because over 2 years later, and over 18 months since either of us properly played with anyone else, we are still going strong.

I feel like it is a testament to communication and research that I have come a long way since I wrote my last piece on this subject. Maybe not in terms of actual encounters with other people, but definitely in terms of how I feel about non-monogamy and how keen I am to explore this side of things.

It’s really easy when you write a blog to censor what you want to share, which is totally valid, blogging doesn’t mean we automatically have to share everything we have going on. I do however want this blog to be a place where people don’t just get to read polished accounts of everything being perfect. Sometimes the relationships we engage in are a lot of work, and we have to consciously make them grow and not let them slip away from us through lack of care.

Working on my understanding and my approach to non-monogamy is part of what I am doing to make my relationship with Bakji even better. I say even better because it is to me wonderful as it is. I think the right people though could have so much to offer us, as both a couple and as individuals and I really want us to explore that.

This coming weekend, we are potentially going to be exploring sexually with other people. I say potentially, because we are definitely going somewhere that will allow for this, but I don’t want to assume will be in high demand. The difference between now, and previous feelings is that I actually hope we are in high demand. Or at least I hope we do find new people to play with.

Far from feeling terrified that this will doom our relationship and Bakji will decide he’s found someone better, I actually feel excited that we are going on an awesome new adventure together. I’m not saying I’m so enlightened that I won’t face moments of discomfort or uncertainty. Overall though I think we will come out of this experience better off. The biggest shift in my mindset on this matter is that I want Bakji to find sexy ladies who are going to make him feel awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sexy lady and I do indeed make him feel awesome. He is a truly amazing person though and I want him to have more sexy and more awesome and I am only one lady, I only have so much sexy to give. I am now happy to outsource to other people to obtain more sexy and more awesome. I am of course not entirely selfless in this thinking, I am also thinking I might get some sexy ladies for myself too. Have I ever mentioned that I really like boobs, and I haven’t had any boob action for a while.

One of the things that have made me nervous in the past is feeling unable to discuss boundaries. As if boundaries are somehow restrictive to our explorations. I’ve realise though that actually the boundaries that I’m inclined to ask for aren’t actually awful and are actually fairly reasonable and beneficial to us both. I am no longer afraid to ask for what I might need to make sure I am comfortable with any given situation we might encounter. This is huge for me. Similarly I’m not afraid to hear that Bakji might have different boundaries. I feel sure that we will both do everything we can to support the other person so that they feel as well equipped as possible to handle new situations.

The other things that were preventing me from feeling certain that non-monogamy for me was my own fears and insecurities. Which isn’t exactly an uncommon theme of non-monogamy. I’ve really thought long and hard about those worries though, and seriously considered their likelihood and what would happen should my worst case scenarios occur. What would happen is that I would brush myself off and keep on going, so worrying about something I know I can handle seems ridiculous. That doesn’t mean my worst case scenarios would be pleasant to go through, but I know for sure I’ve been through worse.

I’ve also been listening to ‘More Than Two’ written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, which I’ve previously dipped into on my Kindle, but have found the audiobook even more beneficial. This is one of the most highly recommended resources on polyamory, and that is for good reason. It frames so much of what we might come up against in such a way that it actually helps you reorganise your mind a little and approach things with a better perspective.

Mine and Bakji’s relationship looks nothing like what I ever knew a relationship could look like. Sometimes that is the basis for my worries. The I realise it doesn’t look the way other relationships do or the way I was taught relationships should look because we are building it for us and for no one else. It really helps to remember this when worrying about how things might evolve with the addition of new play partners or romantic partners.

I feel confident that we have built an awesome friendship as the foundation for our kinky and sexy fun. Even if we one day evolve away from each other in an intimate way, I firmly believe that our friendship can withstand that. Yes it may take time and some tears might be shed, but knowing that our friendship with or without sexy time matters that much to me, really helps me panic less about the prospect of non-monogamy.

I will as much as other people’s privacy allows update my blog with how I’m feeling on this subject once our hopefully sexy weekend has passed. If anyone has any links to other blogs or resources that talk openly and positively about non-monogamy then I’d love to hear about them. I do have a few that I’m aware of, but I’m always open to learning more perspectives.

How Do I Feel About Sexual Availability?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I’ve been staring at this topic for days now thinking I just wouldn’t be able to do a blog entry for this particular email from the 30 days of D/s. Then when I really put my mind into action I realised I did have thoughts on this subject, they maybe just aren’t as BDSM orientated as might be expected.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, myself and Bakji definitely have more kink related physical encounters, than we do encounters that are purely sexually driven. That said I am always happy to be sexually available to him. There really aren’t many occasions where I’d turn him down. This is however probably the first relationship where I’ve felt this way though, and I think that is due to the open and honest place kink has brought us to.

In previous relationship I didn’t have the words at my disposal to explain a lot of my feelings and thoughts around my sexual desires. I felt frustrated by the notion that because I was someone’s partner, that I in some way owed them sex. I think that this is a common pitfall of many relationships and without being addressed it the right manner I think it can cause all kinds of problems.

I also felt frustrated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex and would turn that inwards and get annoyed with myself for not wanting it. Sometimes I’d want to just do it anyway, so that I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying no, but I could never bring myself to ‘power through’.

What was missing in those kinds of interactions was my ability to fully explain who I was as a sexual being. Despite having found my footing in FemDom, when it comes to sex without kink, I am very sexually submissive. What I never had though was someone who was sexually dominant, so the balance was never right, which made sex seem hard to get into.

Despite saying I was frustrated by the notion of ‘owing’ a partner sex, it is strangely ironic that what I actually would have liked would have been for them to take that one step further and actually have taken what it was they wanted. Obviously this only would have worked with consent and negotiation, which at the time I did not have full awareness and understanding of.

I think I would have thrived sexually in my previous relationship if we could have established a more explicit understanding of what it meant to be sexually submissive. Instead of it being viewed as me being lazy or unwilling to be intimate. I didn’t understand it fully myself though, so I had no idea of what it was I needed to express. What ended up happening is that mismatched sexual interests, mismatched libidos and a lack of communication led to feelings of rejection, resentment and ultimately we are no longer together and this was one of our major stumbling blocks.

I’m not saying kink and D/s make for perfect communication and that they are the solution to these kinds of issues, but I do think the understanding we gain in kink of how important it is to talk about these things make a huge difference in how we approach our needs within a relationship.

Having the option there to talk about and negotiate what sexual availability means to us is invaluable I think. Doing it with a partner that understand the nuances of that though is imperative. One of the reasons I am happy to make myself sexually available to Bakji at all times is the knowledge that he knows me well enough to know when it wouldn’t be good time to make good on that arrangement. Feeling crappy with period pains? No sex thanks. Got a head full of Migraine? Again, not so much with the sex.

For me sexual availability is great if it’s with someone who is going to make the sex happen when they want it. If their idea of me being sexually available is to indicate they want me to be the sexual Top, then that doesn’t work so well. Telling me you want sex, but you me to surprise you with sex, or make grand plans for sex, really makes me not want sex. That approach would however work with kink activities, so it goes to show how very awkward I am.

I must admit the majority of my unrealised fantasies are related to this subject. Which may seem strange given that it’s probably a fairly basic element to many people. It just seem tricky to spell out how you want someone to behave, when the behaviour you’re craving is impromptu and of their own volition.

Perhaps though this is something I need to explore further, maybe I need to practice what I preach and open up a dialogue on this subject. This my friends is why the 30 Days of D/s emails are awesome, you can learn things about yourself you might not have done without prompting.

Sex Isn’t Required For D/s

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


This is an interesting one for me, the internal dialogue I have on this subject is as follows:

Me: Sex isn’t required for D/s or kink.

Other Me: Except that it totally is.

Me: For you maybe, but not for ME.

Other Me: Yeah, but I’m you, so samesies.

Me: You’re insufferable!

I think you get my drift. In reality I 100% accept that sex is not a requirement for D/s. I understand and have experienced enough facets of D/s that I can see how people have awesome and satisfying D/s dynamics without a sexual dynamic too. I feel inclined to say but that isn’t for me, until I break it down into kinks and realise that non-sexual encounters are absolutely a thing for me.

Let’s start with rope. As a rope bottom I am not open to sexual encounters within rope. Unless it is with Bakji, who basically has sexual consent in every kink scenario going. I am however open to the opportunities of engaging in rope with other Rope Tops. I enjoy experience how other people tie, and it has always been an interesting experience for me. The rope bottom in me is not a sexual bottom though. I like the physical challenge, I like the rope hurts, those things do not turn me on though. They might be erotic, but they are not inherently arousing.

Then we have me as a Rope Top. I can of course tie someone without sexual interest in them, and I have, I wouldn’t however make a habit of it. I predominantly like to tie people who arouse me. If I’m using my rope skills to flirt with or to entice someone then there is every chance I want to lick their boobs or give them a handjob, with their consent of course.

Similarly as a masochist. I would happily consent to a friend I trusted to do impact and/or pain play with me, but there is very little chance that means I will be willing to consent to anything sexual with them. Pain is sexy in it’s own way, and when combined with sex it really does turn me on. The pain on it’s own though is very satisfying, I don’t need or want the sexual aspects to accompany it. As a Sadist I could quite happily find merriment in just issuing out the pin to someone who asked for it. However the acts of Sadism turn me on a lot, so I’d much rather engage in those things with a sexual partner.

Another interesting element to this for me, is that while mine and Bakji’s dynamic does involve something sexual for most scenes, unless we are at an event where it isn’t appropriate, those sexual things rarely involve penetrative sex, and often do not involve sexual things happen to me. While I enjoy sexual acts as part of my kink, I’m quite happy to administer the sexual acts, receiving them is not a requirement at all.

I can actually go a fairly long time without needing the sexual attention to be turned in my direction. The high I get from Topping and from making Bakji come is really very satisfying, I don’t crave sexual contact for myself, and I feel like I need to orgasm every time we play to make it feel good or for it to count as play.

I often see people who have little or no sex drive, thinking that they won’t be able to find play partners in the kink community because sex either isn’t high on their agenda or not on it at all. Lots of people in the kink scene are happy to focus on other elements of D/s without needing to involve sex. Despite saying I do enjoy sexual contact as part of my play, if someone I had made a connection with wanted to explore more D/s with me but didn’t want to include sexual play at all, then I’d definitely be open to that.

Sex in all it’s forms can be a lot of fun, it isn’t the be all and end all of kinky fun though. There is so much to be explored depending on your preferences. Power exchange in itself can be exceedingly exhilarating, that is what fuels me in my FemDom interactions with Bakji. There is also something to be said for offering someone an experience, whether that experience is in your ropes, an impact scene or any other kind of scene you both desire.

I’m not ashamed to say that I enjoy mixing sexual activities into my kink, I am a sexual person, I like using sexual exploration to connect with a partner, it’s fun, it’s intimate and it gives me awesome feelings. However I’m also not embarrassed about the fact I’m a walking contradiction by also thinking that there is far more to a kink dynamic that getting involved with someone’s genitals.