Tag: Reddit

Reddit Inspired: Munches … Why Do We Go?

I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.

This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:

Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.

Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone  in non-scene  life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’

His reply was priceless:

‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’

Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.

On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:

  1. What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
  2. If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
  3. What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?

Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.

I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.

That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.  

The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.

Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:

  • That we should engage in them with consensual adults
  • That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
  • That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them

If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.

If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.

Hard Limits, Forgetfulness & Forgiveness

I read a post today on reddit about hard limits and it got me thinking. A brief paraphrased version of the post would go something like:

‘My Dom has forgotten my hard limits on multiple occasions. I believe he genuinely did forget, but I’m struggling to submit to him now that trust has been broken. Can a D/s relationship ever recover from this.’

The hard limits provided within this post were face slapping, urination, blood and knife play. Before I had read which limits had been forgotten, my initial reactions were:

  • That face slapping can be quite an impulsive reaction
  • Whereas something like knife play is surely pre-meditated
  • That once is a mistake, but twice? Hmmm … Not so sure
  • That if you need to ask if you can recover from this kind of thing, you probably can’t.

My personal hard limits are few and pretty standard, but nearly all of which would need to be pre-planned to violate them. For example, I have a hard limit of coffins being involved in my play. So if Bakji was suddenly to turn up with a coffin to pop me in, I would know he had purposely planned it. There aren’t many limits I have that I think he would be able to just ‘forget’.

However, if he did happen to slip up with my limits. Say for example there was a coffin at a Fetish Club, and he bent me over it for a spanking without thinking. I know it would be something we could get past. We have been involved together in an intimate manner for almost 2 years now. I don’t just trust him a bit, I trust him wholeheartedly. Physically and emotionally, and I know he would never intentionally do me harm or upset me. So any mistake made, would be just that, a genuine mistake.

I also know if he ever did make this kind of mistake, he’d be mortified and apologetic. As I would be if I ever made this kind of error while Topping him. I would bend over backwards to make things okay for him again, and if it took time to win his trust back I most definitely would give him all the time it took. At the end of the day, looking after each other and making sure we are in the right frame of mind for our kinky activities is paramount.

In the particular post that prompted this writing, there seemed to be some frustration on the part of the Dominant that the sub was struggling with trust issues now, and couldn’t find it in herself to submit in the way she had been doing. This to me was more of a red flag than initial mistake. We are all human, and mistakes are made, but surely how we respond to our errors is the mark of who we are.

Some mistakes are obviously harder to forgive than others, for whatever reason sometimes we just can’t get past things. For me though how someone owns their shit is far more telling than the error they made. Can you own up, apologise and make the required efforts to make amends? If so then that is what matters to me, more so than someone being a flawless human who is error free.

That said, Bakji’s hard limits are pretty much etched into my brain. As are the things he’s really into, and the things he enjoys on certain occasions. I cannot imagine forgetting any of these things, even when I’m in the heady throes of Topspace, I am so focused on him, his enjoyment or discomfort depending on the type of play we are engaging in, forgetting seems just impossible.

As they say though, pride comes before a fall, so I will  not be so arrogant as to say it will never happen. I shall instead endeavour to always remember all the things he loves the most, and ply him with those, and commit to memory all the limits hard and soft, so all our encounters are to the best of my ability as enjoyable for us both as they can possibly be.