Tag: Polyamory

Erotica – Just Like a Lamb

He is such a good boy. Waiting. Patiently.

He looks fucking glorious, and he is glorious to fuck. Collar on, he kneels in the centre of the room. You arrive first as planned and we continue to adorn him with his accessories of submission. Ankle and wrist cuffs, his harness and for the time being a blindfold and a gag.

Our eyes meet as we stand either side of him and I’m compelled to touch you. The collusion in planning this for him has brought us closer together. I am delighted to find you are as wet as I am as my hand reaches under your skirt. My finger moves between your slick and inviting labia … and the doorbell goes!

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5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

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#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

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Communcation. It’s Not Just For The Poly People

I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently not very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have for getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is re-framing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

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Feeling Secure within Alternative Relationship Models

In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.

When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.

When I was growing up and for all my previous relationships, and certainly within my marriage, I followed the conventional path that many relationships do. My security within those relationships was based on doing the things we get told validate us as a partner and show us that our relationship is serious and that others will see it as so

Some examples of these things, which I’m sure most of us are familiar with, would be; the boyfriend/girlfriend chat, meeting parents/family, moving in together, engagement/marriage, children for those who are so inclined, maybe a pet together, shared finances and many more things I am sure to have forgotten.

When it comes to my relationship with Bakji I have none of those things. Not a single one, and it never fails to astound people. Not only people in monogamous, more conventional relationships, but also those who follow their own alternative relationship model. In the early days of figuring this stuff out, this did prove problematic, because quite often the brain niggles I had weren’t my own, they were reflective of other people’s issues with my dynamic.

Essentially though I found that the more I got to know Bakji the more I became comfortable with our combined approach to things. Why am I happy not to use the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ terminology? A common and recurring question from many people. Simply because I know that it has always been something Bakji has strong feelings on, personal ones that aren’t mine to share. Also because what difference would it truly make? None at all I suspect. I was someone’s wife for the longest time, and it was wonderful, but ultimately it didn’t stop our relationship ending. If not being a girlfriend allows our relationship to continue being awesome then I am good with that.

Another common and irritatingly persistent question I get asked is ‘have you met Bakji’s parents yet?’ My answer is always no. Not a no with a tear in my eye and a mournful rant, a fairly cheerful and straight to the point, no. If he wants me to at some point in the future then I’m sure I can go and be my wonderful charming self, but if not I’m still going to enjoy whipping his bum and snuggling him hard. Am I not concerned he is ashamed of me, hiding a secret life or in some other way being deceitful? Not even a little bit. Why? Because once again I know him, as hard as it is for some people to believe, we discuss these things and I trust in his reasoning behind how he likes to conduct himself with regards to this matter.

The other apparently baffling thing about us, is our non-existent desire to live together, like not even a tiny bit. It won’t happen next month, next year or ever. The reasons for this are many and varied. Essentially though neither of us wants that for our relationship, we enjoy our time together immensely and don’t feel that would be improved by increasing it to an everyday scenario. Does that mean we don’t enjoy sharing our personal space with each other, not at all. I love having Bakji in my home, cooking him dinner, having sleepovers and spending whole weekends together. Those things are made more enjoyable for me by virtue of not having to do them all the time.

While some people seem determined that it can’t be true we are happy as we are, yes things have changed along the way, and we’ve evolved together and our connection has deepened, but when it comes to the big things we are still going about things in much the same way as ever. We are well and truly off the relationship escalator and as happy as that makes me, sometimes it can still be scary. Especially when other people are so good at sowing the seed of doubt.

When I realised that my brain niggles weren’t entirely of my own creation, I had to think long and hard about how I gained security and validation without those things society tells me I should want and should be getting. It wasn’t easy because it meant being brutally honest with myself, and sometimes that is harder than being honest with others.

I started by considering all the ‘grumbles’ other people had about how we conducted our relationship and asked myself if they had a point. In the majority of cases I realised they didn’t, that what they cared about, was not important to me. I’m not in anyway judging them for it being important to them, but I decided that going forward I would be firmer about saying ‘that is not a concern of mine’.

There were some sticking points, where I came to understand that I needed to talk them through with Bakji. In discussing the things that were causing me to worry I realised that nearly all of my security and validation within our dynamic comes from the words that leave Bakji’s mouth and the actions he uses to support them. The security that doesn’t come from Bakji comes from myself, from doing the things that make me happy, investing in the things that make me fulfilled whether or not I am in a relationship.

I also found that once I started being honest about where my boundaries where, and what would feel like a bit of a deal breaker for me, that my security levels grew because I knew Bakji wouldn’t suddenly do something that he knew would be hurtful to me. I started to feel like he had my back, regardless of whether or not we were conforming to societal norms. I feel like in our time together we have created safe space for each other, which is far more valuable to me than adhering to other people’s notion of ‘normal’.

I am a huge supporter of doing what is a good fit for you, and if this includes living together, marriage etc then please don’t think I discourage that. I don’t regret for one minute having experienced those things for myself. I do however think that sometimes we become complacent about these actions being our effort and our security within a relationship. When they’re removed I’ve found that I’ve had to think harder about how I make sure that not only do I feel secure and happy within our relationship but also Bakji too.

I didn’t embark on writing this piece because I think I’ve got all the great advice and solutions to potential problems, I wrote it because I know from the people who’ve reached out to me that a lot of people following my blog are currently in similar situations and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not alone, and you’re not the only person or only couple or only triad or only poly family to be searching for different ways to approach life, love and relationships.

The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

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Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?

When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.

When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.

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Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

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