Tag: polyamory

#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

First up is Disclosure from Karin at theswingshift.co.uk. I loved this piece about finding a home in kink and often having to keep that secret from the world around us. When what we actually want to do is scream from the rooftops how happy we are to finally have that sense of belonging. It is a scenario that many of us can identify with. Even people like myself who are fairly open with their lifestyle, still have these moments.

Karin also wrote Kinky Mother, which I absolutely adored. As I am writing this round up I am also sat on the sofa with my 6 year old, taking it turns playing a pool game on his tablet. I don’t write about being a Mum very often though, but I love it when other people do. This post absolutely captures what it is to be a Kinky Mother.

I’m A Primal Here’s What It Means To Me is a post written by Charlton C. Tod who I recently discovered through him being a fellow Smut Marathon entrant. His recent post about what being a primal means to him was definitely informative for anyone who might being wondering what primal is, or whether it might be for them. I’ve always thought I had a bit of a Primal/prey side to my sexual nature, and Charlton’s post did wonders for confirming this.

My last post for my first #SoSS is Endless Possibilities – Being Part of an Open Poly Family from the wonderful Pixie Heart. I love Pixie’s blog, it is honest and open and gives people an insight into a family dynamic that many people would be baffled by through sheer lack of information. I think it’s so valuable to have people like Pixie opening up about her home life. It is posts like this that will hopefully help educate people about being polyamorous and/or non-monogamous.


There’s a chance you are already fed up of me mentioning the Smut Marathon, but the voting is now open for the first round. You can read all the wonderful metaphors we have written and place your vote for your top three. It has already proved a huge challenge for many of us, so your support means so much to us all.

Communcation. It’s Not Just For The Poly People

I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently noy very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have to getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is reframing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

Feeling Secure within Alternative Relationship Models

In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.

When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.

When I was growing up and for all my previous relationships, and certainly within my marriage, I followed the conventional path that many relationships do. My security within those relationships was based on doing the things we get told validate us as a partner and show us that our relationship is serious and that others will see it as so

Some examples of these things, which I’m sure most of us are familiar with, would be; the boyfriend/girlfriend chat, meeting parents/family, moving in together, engagement/marriage, children for those who are so inclined, maybe a pet together, shared finances and many more things I am sure to have forgotten.

When it comes to my relationship with Bakji I have none of those things. Not a single one, and it never fails to astound people. Not only people in monogamous, more conventional relationships, but also those who follow their own alternative relationship model. In the early days of figuring this stuff out, this did prove problematic, because quite often the brain niggles I had weren’t my own, they were reflective of other people’s issues with my dynamic.

Essentially though I found that the more I got to know Bakji the more I became comfortable with our combined approach to things. Why am I happy not to use the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ terminology? A common and recurring question from many people. Simply because I know that it has always been something Bakji has strong feelings on, personal ones that aren’t mine to share. Also because what difference would it truly make? None at all I suspect. I was someone’s wife for the longest time, and it was wonderful, but ultimately it didn’t stop our relationship ending. If not being a girlfriend allows our relationship to continue being awesome then I am good with that.

Another common and irritatingly persistent question I get asked is ‘have you met Bakji’s parents yet?’ My answer is always no. Not a no with a tear in my eye and a mournful rant, a fairly cheerful and straight to the point, no. If he wants me to at some point in the future then I’m sure I can go and be my wonderful charming self, but if not I’m still going to enjoy whipping his bum and snuggling him hard. Am I not concerned he is ashamed of me, hiding a secret life or in some other way being deceitful? Not even a little bit. Why? Because once again I know him, as hard as it is for some people to believe, we discuss these things and I trust in his reasoning behind how he likes to conduct himself with regards to this matter.

The other apparently baffling thing about us, is our non-existent desire to live together, like not even a tiny bit. It won’t happen next month, next year or ever. The reasons for this are many and varied. Essentially though neither of us wants that for our relationship, we enjoy our time together immensely and don’t feel that would be improved by increasing it to an everyday scenario. Does that mean we don’t enjoy sharing our personal space with each other, not at all. I love having Bakji in my home, cooking him dinner, having sleepovers and spending whole weekends together. Those things are made more enjoyable for me by virtue of not having to do them all the time.

While some people seem determined that it can’t be true we are happy as we are, yes things have changed along the way, and we’ve evolved together and our connection has deepened, but when it comes to the big things we are still going about things in much the same way as ever. We are well and truly off the relationship escalator and as happy as that makes me, sometimes it can still be scary. Especially when other people are so good at sowing the seed of doubt.

When I realised that my brain niggles weren’t entirely of my own creation, I had to think long and hard about how I gained security and validation without those things society tells me I should want and should be getting. It wasn’t easy because it meant being brutally honest with myself, and sometimes that is harder than being honest with others.

I started by considering all the ‘grumbles’ other people had about how we conducted our relationship and asked myself if they had a point. In the majority of cases I realised they didn’t, that what they cared about, was not important to me. I’m not in anyway judging them for it being important to them, but I decided that going forward I would be firmer about saying ‘that is not a concern of mine’.

There were some sticking points, where I came to understand that I needed to talk them through with Bakji. In discussing the things that were causing me to worry I realised that nearly all of my security and validation within our dynamic comes from the words that leave Bakji’s mouth and the actions he uses to support them. The security that doesn’t come from Bakji comes from myself, from doing the things that make me happy, investing in the things that make me fulfilled whether or not I am in a relationship.

I also found that once I started being honest about where my boundaries where, and what would feel like a bit of a deal breaker for me, that my security levels grew because I knew Bakji wouldn’t suddenly do something that he knew would be hurtful to me. I started to feel like he had my back, regardless of whether or not we were conforming to societal norms. I feel like in our time together we have created safe space for each other, which is far more valuable to me than adhering to other people’s notion of ‘normal’.

I am a huge supporter of doing what is a good fit for you, and if this includes living together, marriage etc then please don’t think I discourage that. I don’t regret for one minute having experienced those things for myself. I do however think that sometimes we become complacent about these actions being our effort and our security within a relationship. When they’re removed I’ve found that I’ve had to think harder about how I make sure that not only do I feel secure and happy within our relationship but also Bakji too.

I didn’t embark on writing this piece because I think I’ve got all the great advice and solutions to potential problems, I wrote it because I know from the people who’ve reached out to me that a lot of people following my blog are currently in similar situations and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not alone, and you’re not the only person or only couple or only triad or only poly family to be searching for different ways to approach life, love and relationships.

Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?

When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.

When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.

“Unicorn: A single bisexual female willing to be part of an existing couple.”

I took this approach in part for very selfish reasons, I didn’t think I could share what was ‘mine’, and that isn’t the sexy kind of ‘mine’ either, that’s the possessive, shitty kind of ‘mine’. I assumed I was too jealous, too mono, too me, to even consider being non-monogamous with a partner that was romantically and sexually my main partner. I was absolutely okay with other people sharing their loved ones with me though. Which was obviously very generous of me.

I know there are instances where it was indeed enjoyable for someone to see me interacting with their partner. I remember for the longest time marvelling that not only could someone be okay with their partner engaging in sexy activities outside of their relationship, but also being present to witness it and enjoying that also. It honestly baffled me. I would have bet money on the fact that I would go my whole never figuring out how to enjoy watching someone I was emotionally invested in enjoy sexual activities with another person. Spoiler alert, I would have lost money too!

When I realised this feeling had it’s own word I was no less baffled. I was a bit like, ‘Compersion, what a great new word, that I will NEVER need to use!’ It then seemed like suddenly everyone was talking about it, and everyone got it, and I felt like everyone was just walking around feeling the warm and fuzzies because their partner was fucking and loving another or many other people. Then there was me, contemplating the fact that if I found a ‘primary’ partner I’d probably have to nope the fuck out of non-monogamy and be shunned from the kinkster club for being a bore.

So I get it. I get why some people feel compersion equals pressure, and it’s this buzzword that poly people use to make their lives seem all sunshine and rainbows. Here’s the thing though, I now know a lot of poly and non-mono folks. The variety of those relationships is vast. None of them have survived without their troubles though, and I think for many, if not most people, that feeling of compersion is valued so much because getting to a place where you can feel it has taken a lot of hard work.

The other fallacy we can find ourselves believing is that compersion is akin to feeling no jealousy, or insecurity. That by feeling compersion we become these magical beings who are just full of love and light and nothing bothers us, ever. Which would mean that even if you’re happy for your partner, but have a small wobble caused by FOMO or just because it’s new and scary, you have not fully reached compersion enlightenment and have therefore not earned your gold star in sharing.

I discovered though that it is in fact okay to feel more than one thing at a time. You can absolutely be super happy that your partner is banging a hot chick while you’re curled up with Netflix enjoying the peace and quiet, and at the same time be a little bit fearful that she might be so awesome in the sack that he’ll pack his bags the minute he arrives home and run off into the sunset with her, leaving you to die alone, without even a cat for company. (Thanks to PolyWeekly for being the best at helping people unravel their worst case scenarios).

Even alongside being nervous, or having to face your own insecurities, I think any level of feeling happy that your partner is doing something (or someone) they love is a win for any person. It didn’t come easy for me, and I had to do a lot of soul searching to understand myself and my reactions before I truly became excited about the prospect of non-monogamy. Then when those feelings started to click into place, I did feel pleased. I was glad I had this fancy word to explain what was happening, because honestly for someone who has spent most of their life being monogamous, suddenly feeling smiley and aroused by a partner getting sexy with someone else was frickin’ weird. Awesome, but weird.

Which means I definitely think that compersion is a beautiful thing. That said though, I don’t think anyone should beat themselves up for not getting it, or feeling it. I’m not sure how far my ability to embrace it goes, it’s definitely been a gradual process and extending it into romance and other unidentified things will likely be another hurdle for me.

I also know that even attempting non-monogamy is a big no for some people, and that is a completely valid choice. There is a lot of non-monogamy within the kink community, and I think for new people especially it can feel like a requirement, it absolutely is not. You can be a monogamous couple looking to get started in the kink community and still find awesome friends, and like-minded folk to support and encourage you.

Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

I’ll have to apologise again for being purposefully vague with some aspects of what led me to write this entry, while a lot of things are my story to tell, a lot of it isn’t and this isn’t intended to be erotica, so the explicit details hopefully aren’t necessary. The summary is though, there was sexy, hot action and I was there, Bakji was there and another person or other people (now I’m just trying to make you wonder, my desire to tease does indeed extend to my writing) were there too, and they totally got some attention from us, and gave plenty back too.

While I was definitely excited about this adventure, I was fairly certain it would involve some new experiences, both as an individuals, as a couple and as friends and new things are unknown, so I’m often wary about my reactions to them, especially when my brain is still swimming with a lot of the societal norms I grew up being told were the done thing.

My overwhelming feeling though throughout our fun, and afterwards, both the next day and after a couple of weeks have passed is one of sexy happiness. You know when you’ve had a really good sexy, or kinky session with someone, and every now and again you get those great flashbacks that make you smile and tingle simultaneously, well I keep getting those. While it’s one thing to enjoy something in the moment, being able to look back on it and still feel good about it feels like the way to go.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not have felt quite this glowing about things in the early days of opening myself up to non-monogamy. There would have been stomach churning, anxiety and days of ‘big talks’ to get to the bottom of why things didn’t feel right. Knowing that made me look at what it was that had changed, and it will come as no surprise to anyone who knows anything about non-monogamy as to what those things were.

First up is the one thing everyone who discusses sex, relationships, kink or even life is always banging on about, communication. Why do we all say you should work on being better at this? Because it really does help. I’ve written about mine and Bakji’s journey with communication before, and we’ve also discussed it on the podcast. Needless to say we have improved dramatically. When it came to moving forward with non-monogamy as a duo, instead of just blindly saying we weren’t monogamous and blustering through without discussing what that meant, it became glaringly obvious that we needed to start having the in-depth conversations about non-monogamy.

I asked my questions, I said how I felt, I stopped panicking about where I was at maybe being different to where Bakji was at and just said ‘this is how I feel’. I  realised that holding things back wasn’t helpful, and that even if I said something that made Bakji call time on our relationship, that was probably healthier than living with a false sense of security. That didn’t happen though, what happened is that Bakji answered my questions, shared his own thoughts and we moved forward together without that impending feeling of doom that not knowing can definitely bring.

The fact we started communicating honestly nurtured a better level of trust, and that is the second thing that made these new experiences so much better. I trusted not only in Bakji, but in our and my own reasons for being non-monogamous, which is a point I don’t think I had reached previously. This is a lifestyle that found me, as opposed to one I went looking for and for a long time I didn’t appreciate what it took to make it work for me. I also got swept along with the crowd a little bit, and in the face of so many people identifying as polyamorous I naively assumed that was where I needed to be too. When in reality, polyamory is not where I am personally at yet. I can’t say for certain one way or the other whether or not it’s something I’ll be ready for in the future, what I do know though is that I don’t feel guilty about not being there right now.

The other things that I suspect makes a huge difference to whether or not people succeed in their non-monogamous adventures is the people you engage in sexy times with. I know for certain that has made a huge difference for me. Obviously when you engage in play as a couple you both need to have chemistry with the same person or people, otherwise someone isn’t going to be having fun. I think also knowing where the other people or person is at, and that they’ve got a good handle on their own relationship, or their take on non-monogamy if they’re single, is going to make or break whether or not they make you feel good about exploring with them.

I appreciate that depending on how your version of non-monogamy or indeed polyamory looks that always having the best of feels for who you partner chooses to play with isn’t always going to be possible and I know from reading and listening to other resources that in itself that is a big conversation to be had, and often times an even bigger hurdle to overcome. What I have learnt about myself though is that there are ways I am willing to do things, and ways that are not necessarily instant deal-breakers, but certainly could lead to that if a compromise or understanding could not be met. I now know that this is okay. I don’t have to do all the work myself to be okay with any given situation I find myself in. I had to work really hard to get to that point in my mind though, and almost had to give myself permission to admit that some approaches are not going to work for me.

While it’s always really nice to be able to share positive aspects of journeying into non-monogamy, or positive aspects of anything really, I do want to be honest about the whole overview, and that’s where the brain niggles come in. Now, I 100% in my waking hours feel totally amazing about our recent adventures, our future adventures and our time together as a whole. Apparently when I’m asleep my brain thinks it’s funny to test me by making sure I dream about everything going tits-up (and not in a sexy way). I think it’s probably another blog post to explain exactly why I think I was having these particular dreams, as it feeds into how security can look different within alternative relationship models. So I will come back to that soon. What I can say though is that I haven’t started to panic, or worry that brain niggles are a sign that deep down I’m in turmoil. Instead I just asked myself honestly what part of my insecurities these dreams were playing to and what I needed to do to settle those fears and thankfully the answers to those questions aren’t big and scary, and can be resolved with our good friend communication.

It feels like a bit of an anti-climax when I realise that the summary of this blog post it talk about your feelings, develop trust with your partner/s and don’t go into fatality mode over the small stuff. When we are new to things though I think the obvious things can pass us by, and little things can become big things in our mind. More often than I’d like to admit I have let my brain go catastrophic with my thoughts, instead of just taking a step back, thinking things through and discovering everything is in fact, all good.

#MasturbationMonday: Borrowing his Toy

Masturbation-Monday-banner-1This post was inspired by #MasturbationMonday, to join in or to see more of the posts written for this go to weeks prompt go to http://masturbationmonday.kaylalords.com.

I walked into the guest bedroom, to deliver fresh towels for her shower and the view I was confronted with stopped me in my paces. Lying on the bed, already undressed, her back her bum, her long shapely legs all there for me to see and enjoy. My cunt twitched and my imagination started to kick in. Oh the things I could do to her, the things I had done to her, but not now, she wasn’t here for me. She was here for him, and I had promised myself I would not interfere.

As I made my presence known, she sat up and span around to face me. Her nakedness was of no issue to her, legs relaxed, casually displaying what I saw to be a wet and ready cunt. Why? Why did she have to look so bloody enticing? The sparkle in her eyes didn’t help much either, she always looked so playful and eager. Even when we were doing mundane things like eating dinner or taking a walk. She was like a playful, lovable puppy, and about as hard to resist as one too.

I placed the towels on the bed, and made my intentions to get on with some chores clear. She has however, perfected the art of puppy dog eyes, and that look accompanied with the disappointment in her voice when she said she thought I’d be keeping her company while she bathed, meant I really didn’t know how to turn her down. My steely FemDom exterior didn’t always hold up so well around her, she appealed to my softer side in so many ways. I wanted to wash her back and brush her hair, then pull her hair and fuck her into a big puddle, so that we would have to do the washing and the brushing all over again. This was not the plan though. Not the plan at all.

I accompanied her into the bathroom, and we ran her a bath, we chatted like good friends do, and we reminisced over her last visit and that is where my resolve began to wane. She asked if I’d be joining them at all this weekend, and looked slightly crestfallen when I explained I had lots of work to attend to. I thought he’d explained the new approach to her, but I was left wondering if it hadn’t yet come up. So I explained in a small amount of detail some of what I had discussed with him, and while she still seemed mildly disappointed we wouldn’t be playing together, she did seem very excited about the plans she had with the boy.

Once she was feeling thoroughly clean and the second set of bubbles had faded away, she climbed out of the bath and I wrapped her in warm towel. I hugged her close to me instinctively and as I did so my lips brushed against her cheek, and as if that was all the invitation she needed her lips found mine and in the eagerness to hold her face in my hands, her towel fell to the floor.

In a rush of desire fuelled by her naked body so close to mine, any thoughts of not playing with her were gone, she was so soft and inviting, her body wrapping against mine as we fell onto the bed. One hand finding the warm wetness of her, as the other moved across the curves of her body, cupping and squeezing, scratching and pinching. She moved beneath me like she had been starving for sexual affection, I felt a glimmer of guilt that I’d stolen that reaction from him, but knew I could make it up to him.

My lips brushed against her ear, and I felt her shiver, knowing full well the sensation had sent tingles through her body. I began to whisper, as my fingers ceased their movement but remained inside her. I spoke to her of him, of how ready he’d be to fuck her, how hungry he’d be to take in every inch of her, to move his mouth across her body, to kiss and lick and devour. She moaned at my words, her body starting to move to its own rhythm, trying desperately to entice my fingers into playing again. I wanted more from her though, I was happy make her come, but I wanted her orgasm to belong to him.

I asked if she understood exactly what was coming this weekend, and her hesitation told me she did not. I told her how he’d been caged ever since her last visit, locked away and teased mercilessly the entire time, he was my beautiful, obedient slave, but he always enjoyed being Dominant with her and was keen to show her more of this. She gasped as I expressed his desires to take charge of her, to have her in every way he could, low moans betraying how eager she was to come.

She told me I was mean when I said I’d be caging him again the minute she left, and my response that she had better be as nice to him as possible then just seemed to arouse her more, I could feel her cunt twitching and dripping against my fingers, I knew how badly she wanted to please him and service him, she wanted both be of use and to be used. Her enthusiasm for him was making my own arousal soar, and it was become hard not to think of fucking him myself.

I kissed her hungrily, unsure as to whose desire I was trying to feed, hers or my own. Her hands tentatively made moves to remove my clothing, as I began to assist she took this, rightly, as consent to proceed. Her hands and mouth explored my body desperately, bringing her close to orgasm but not allowing her to climax had caused a sexual frenzy. Her mouth found my nipples, and unable to resist the pleasure this caused in me I fell into the sensations she was creating within me.

Her fingers found me, wet and eager, her manners and natural desire to be submissive never leaving her though, I heard soft voice ask ‘please may I’ as she waited for permission to proceed, a permission she was most definitely granted. Her lips had not moved from my nipples, alternating between the two, as she sucked and fucked me into orgasmic oblivion. Thoughts of him, and her still floating in my mind as she did so, making me wetter, hotter and crazed with arousal.

I lost track of how many times I came, her fingers were relentless, her mouth similarly so, but finally moving from my nipples to my mouth as her fingers withdrew from me. She had thoroughly earned the ‘good girl’ that fell from my lips, along with a playful yet firm smack on the bum. The next words from her lips were new though, ‘I hope I’m a good girl for Daddy too’. It was definitely a new term of endearment, but I found myself smiling at how well it suited their blossoming dynamic.

For reasons unknown, because it was fairly far removed from our own dynamic, which had for a long while been 24/7, Mistress & slave, but never the less, whatever the reason, I wanted to hear her call him Daddy again. Disappearing briefly to retrieve the vibrator I knew she was partial too, I returned to find her wide-eyed and hopeful looking. Grateful for the speed and ease of under bed restraints, I tied her to the bed and set the vibrator to slow and torturous. I knew her responses well enough to know she would be begging to come quite soon.

I was not disappointed, she began to buck against the vibrator, as if that would somehow magically make her come. She pulled against her restraints, her head turning from side to side, biting her lip, moaning, swearing, so close, so very close to orgasm, but knowing it was completely out of her control to obtain it. Eventually it all became too much, and a soft, low ‘please’ was uttered. She must have known that would not be enough, begging must be clear and desperate before it is satisfying enough for me to concede.

As if it had always been the natural way I found myself telling her to practice begging Daddy, to imagine it was his hard, thick cock resting against her clit and not the vibrator, that she was begging to be fucked, begging to be used, begging to get lost beneath him as fucks her until she comes, her cunt twitching and clenching around his cock, a cock that we both knew she desperate for.

‘Beg for it. Beg for Daddy’s cock like a good girl’, and she did. With a desperate frustration that turned me on so much I rubbed my own clit to orgasm, as I raised the power on the vibrator causing her to tumble into her own crashing waves of orgasm, as the words ‘Please Daddy’ continued to fall from her lips, over and over like a mantra, becoming more incoherent with every utterance, as if she no longer knew she was speaking them.

As I untied her, and brushed her hair from her face, she wriggled under the covers and closed her eyes. She was so sexy and so goddamn hot, but she was also adorable and little in so many ways, it was the little and adorable that caused me to kiss her forehead, as I told her Daddy would definitely think she was a good girl. She smiled sleepily, because falling into a slumber that she was definitely going to need.

To be continued …

*I will continue this for next weeks #MasturbationMonday, should anyone be inclined to discover what happens when the boy, and newly christened Daddy returns home.*




Exploring New (and Sexy) Things

When I first started this blog it was because I felt like I was on the precipice of exploring polyamory, and I thought that having a place to chronicle that journey would be useful, not only to myself but maybe to others who were also trying to navigate those waters themselves. Less as a resource and more as a way to connect with people in similar situations.

As it happens this blog has become far more about my musings surrounding kink and the kink community. Which is brilliant because they are things I’m definitely passionate about, and that it what I have spent the majority of the last two years exploring. It has also been wonderful to connect with people who are also interested in kink in both similar and different ways to myself.

That said non-monogamy and/or polyamory had always been in the future of mine and Bakji’s partnership. I didn’t always know how I felt about that, I have always been involved in monogamous relationships, and I wrote about how I sometimes feel trapped between the desire to be polyamorous and having what I felt to be an overridingly mono mind. I did at times feel like my struggles would be what eventually ended the romantic/sexy side of our relationship. I think I massively underestimated Bakji though and the connection and friendship we have built. Because over 2 years later, and over 18 months since either of us properly played with anyone else, we are still going strong.

I feel like it is a testament to communication and research that I have come a long way since I wrote my last piece on this subject. Maybe not in terms of actual encounters with other people, but definitely in terms of how I feel about non-monogamy and how keen I am to explore this side of things.

It’s really easy when you write a blog to censor what you want to share, which is totally valid, blogging doesn’t mean we automatically have to share everything we have going on. I do however want this blog to be a place where people don’t just get to read polished accounts of everything being perfect. Sometimes the relationships we engage in are a lot of work, and we have to consciously make them grow and not let them slip away from us through lack of care.

Working on my understanding and my approach to non-monogamy is part of what I am doing to make my relationship with Bakji even better. I say even better because it is to me wonderful as it is. I think the right people though could have so much to offer us, as both a couple and as individuals and I really want us to explore that.

This coming weekend, we are potentially going to be exploring sexually with other people. I say potentially, because we are definitely going somewhere that will allow for this, but I don’t want to assume will be in high demand. The difference between now, and previous feelings is that I actually hope we are in high demand. Or at least I hope we do find new people to play with.

Far from feeling terrified that this will doom our relationship and Bakji will decide he’s found someone better, I actually feel excited that we are going on an awesome new adventure together. I’m not saying I’m so enlightened that I won’t face moments of discomfort or uncertainty. Overall though I think we will come out of this experience better off. The biggest shift in my mindset on this matter is that I want Bakji to find sexy ladies who are going to make him feel awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sexy lady and I do indeed make him feel awesome. He is a truly amazing person though and I want him to have more sexy and more awesome and I am only one lady, I only have so much sexy to give. I am now happy to outsource to other people to obtain more sexy and more awesome. I am of course not entirely selfless in this thinking, I am also thinking I might get some sexy ladies for myself too. Have I ever mentioned that I really like boobs, and I haven’t had any boob action for a while.

One of the things that have made me nervous in the past is feeling unable to discuss boundaries. As if boundaries are somehow restrictive to our explorations. I’ve realise though that actually the boundaries that I’m inclined to ask for aren’t actually awful and are actually fairly reasonable and beneficial to us both. I am no longer afraid to ask for what I might need to make sure I am comfortable with any given situation we might encounter. This is huge for me. Similarly I’m not afraid to here that Bakji might have different boundaries. I feel sure that we will both do everything we can to support the other person so that they feel as well equipped as possible to handle new situations.

The other things that were preventing me from feeling certain that non-monogamy for me was my own fears and insecurities. Which isn’t exactly an uncommon theme of non-monogamy. I’ve really thought long and hard about those worries though, and seriously considered their likelihood and what would happen should my worst case scenarios occur. What would happen is that I would brush myself off and keep on going, so worrying about something I know I can handle seems ridiculous. That doesn’t mean my worst case scenarios would be pleasant to go through, but I know for sure I’ve been through worse.

I’ve also been listening to ‘More Than Two’ written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, which I’ve previously dipped into on my Kindle, but have found the audiobook even more beneficial. This is one of the most highly recommended resources on polyamory, and that is for good reason. It frames so much of what we might come up against in such a way that it actually helps you reorganise your mind a little and approach things with a better perspective.

Mine and Bakji’s relationship looks nothing like what I ever knew a relationship could look like. Sometimes that is the basis for my worries. The I realise it doesn’t look the way other relationships do or the way I was taught relationships should look because we are building it for us and for no one else. It really helps to remember this when worrying about how things might evolve with the addition of new play partners or romantic partners.

I feel confident that we have built an awesome friendship as the foundation for our kinky and sexy fun. Even if we one day evolve away from each other in an intimate way, I firmly believe that our friendship can withstand that. Yes it may take time and some tears might be shed, but knowing that our friendship with or without sexy time matters that much to me, really helps me panic less about the prospect of non-monogamy.

I will as much as other people’s privacy allows update my blog with how I’m feeling on this subject once our hopefully sexy weekend has passed. If anyone has any links to other blogs or resources that talk openly and positively about non-monogamy then I’d love to hear about them. I do have a few that I’m aware of, but I’m always open to learning more perspectives.