Tag: Friendship

Wicked Women

I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.

IMG_9080.JPGGrowing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.

When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community. 

When I began exploring non-monogamy I was a little bit unsure of how I would fit in. As an onlooker to other people’s dynamics and as a sometimes unicorn in other people’s dynamics, I started to form a very fixed view … ‘I need to be open to friendships with the women who I might encounter as metamours.’

Unicorn: Single, bisexual female who is willing to be involved with both members of an existing couple.

As a non-monogamous person, as opposed to an actively poly person, metamour might not be the best word for me to use, it is however shorter than saying ‘my sexy friend’s other sexy, but potentially more casual friend/s’, so we are going to use metamour for the duration of this article.

I have spoken briefly of the fact that in the early days of our relationship Bakji had a non-monogamous adventure that was hard for me in many ways. In hindsight and with a lot more knowledge about what I need from non-monogamy, I know that a good chunk of my issues stemmed from the lack of friendship between she and I.

At one point a mutual friend stated that it was because the other lady in question was ‘intimidated by me’. Okay fair enough, I was willing to work with that information and did my best at an event to start a conversation and try to build some kind of friendship with her. To be clear, she was straight, and I was not trying to find my way into their dynamic. I just wanted to know her a little bit. What she liked, what her hopes for the future were, who she was a person. 

I unfortunately formed some heavy judgement about her when she rebuffed my attempts at friendship. Even now, I don’t doubt that she was probably a lovely person, after all Bakji has pretty good taste, but I cannot get over the fact she was so willing to quite literally leave her marks on Bakji, while being intimidated by me, but could not find her way to even have a vaguely friendly conversation with me.

Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship.

I understand that even within polyamory, where feelings are often more developed and longer term, that some people do choose not to be close friends with their metamours and I place no judgement on those people. For me though, for my personal sanity and the way I am as a person, I need that friendship. We don’t have to be BFF’s and we don’t have to play together. I do however expect us to exchange pleasantries and be up front with each other about fancying the pants of the same person.

I had started to think I was alone in this. That the kind of relationship I wanted with a metamour was out of reach. Even in dynamics where this appears to be present, I have seen the underlying feelings definitely be something other than friendship. I don’t want to compete, or be scheming against someone.

Then we made new friends, and I met women who were like me. Women who seem to embrace other women and want to build them up. Some of the women I know in real life, some of these women I only speak to online. All of them I have oodles of love and respect for.

We have since the Autumn of last year been getting our non-monogamy on a little bit more and there have been so many moments that have made me smile both inwardly and outwardly, because it feels like I am finally meeting women who feel the same as me. Who don’t want to sneak around trying to woo Bakji, but are willing to be open and honest. Which is brilliant for me because then I get to tease him about it, and then is a huge thrill for me in our dynamic.

We currently aren’t looking towards polyamory, but as I keep saying to Bakji, never say never. If that day does come though I want the fact that there is two of us to be an asset to someone, not an issue. Even if it is someone I am not intimately involved with myself, I want her to know my door is always open, for questions, for worries, for sharing happy moments. Again that might not work for everyone, but I would extend that kindness to anyone I am friends with. To not offer to someone my partner was involved with seems baffling to me.

I mentioned women I had encountered online only and they are the ladies I’d like to talkIMG_9079.JPG about next. Through getting involved in memes like Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday and Sinful Sunday I have connected with so many wonderful people. I also have Twitter and Instagram to thank for helping me discover a whole host of awesomeness.

One of the things that struck me about the online sex and kink blogging communities is the huge amount of support that is offered to new writers, or new photographers as it is for Sinful Sunday. Now I will state that throughout all those memes the support comes from all genders. It was the interaction between other women that struck a chord with me though. Purely because it is so far removed from the experiences with women I had growing up.

I feel so lucky to have connected with people who are so committed to building up other people instead of tearing them down and it gives me faith in humanity and hope for future friendship building to know that ladies with a similar mindset to mine do exist. Women who want to encourage, support and create meaningful connections with other women without secretly trying to be their undoing.

I don’t want to name and cause blushes to anyone specific, in part because privacy is a thing, and also because I’m bound to forget someone. If you’re a participant of any of the memes I mentioned then I mean you, if you run those memes, I definitely mean you. If I follow you on Twitter and like your tweets, I mean you. If we’re Instagram pals and I’ve liked or commented on any of your pictures I mean you. If I like or comment on your blog posts I mean you. If I know you in real life and we’ve been on adventures together, I mean you. If I’ve frolicked gleefully with your boobs and smooched your face I mean you. If we’ve Whatsapped each other this week about sexy things, then I definitely mean you. To all the women who are in my life, this means you.

You are all wonderful and I think each and everyone of you is delightful. Thank you for your continued inspiration and support.

For those of you who don’t identify as female you are also fabulous and your support and inspiration is also valued, and I hope this blog post is received in the spirit it was intended. Not to exclude or berate other genders, but but to celebrate the beauty and spirit of friendship between women.


I am sharing this as part of Wicked Wednesday, please follow the link below to see who else is being Wicked this Wednesday and show some love for their work.

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Who else is being Wicked this Wednesday?

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5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

Continue reading “5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy”

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO”

#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

Continue reading “#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)”

Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

Continue reading “Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles”

Episode 50 – Making Kinkier Friends! One Year of #ProudToBeKinky

Happy Birthday to us. That’s right, we have now been releasing episodes for you for one whole year and what a year it has been. We went back and forth with lots of ideas for this episode, but we decided to get back to basics a little bit and discuss the things that we are constantly repeating and go into detail about why we say them and how you can go about acting on the advice should you wish to.

In episode one, Bakji and friend of the show BlueBen discussed how to make kinky friends. Floss recently gave this episode another listen, and was impressed overall that for a first episode it was pretty darn good, but also felt that we could tweak some of the advice after a year of not only podcasting, but also of getting more involved with the community ourselves as well.

In a good chunk of our episodes we say ‘go to a munch’, so we revisit this and discuss why we say that and what benefits we see to munches. We also address the fact that your first munch isn’t always going to be life changing and what to do if the munch you attend isn’t what you hoped for.

We also tackle Fetish events. Which in episode were discussed on the basis of go with friends only. However in the time we have been doing the podcast I have learnt that many larger events are doing meet and greets before the event kicks off, and we’ve also discovered that many smaller events do allow for more of a chance to socialise and meet new people.

Fetlife gets a mention as do our friends over at TheCage.co, as we talk about how best to navigate online platforms and what their uses are. This leads us to a bit of a discussion, where Floss might be a bit ranty about how certain people conduct themselves when sending messages online.

There is also some fun and frivolity, we both talk about some of our favourite episodes, things we love about doing the podcast and what, if anything we’ve learnt in the past year.

This podcast has become a huge part of our lives, and it’s been an unbelievable amount of hard work, but it has been worth every minute of it. Through the podcast we have connected with amazing people all across the world, some of those people have been guests, some listeners and we are so happy to say that many of them have turned into wonderful friends.

For anyone who has missed Floss’ social media posts about us turning one, we just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has listened, given feedback, supported and encouraged us. Each and every one of you has made this experience even better and we can’t wait to see what the next year of podcasting brings.

As always you can contact us via hello@proudtobekinky.com, you can also contact us on Twitter, instagram, Fetlife and Facebook. You can also swing by our Patreon page, and check out our spinoff podcast FemDom and Fetish Fun. As well as our new feature that is coming soon Aftercare Sandwich.

We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network, with Off The Cuffs, Drinks with God, Parking Lot Radio and the Will Sean Podcast. You can find us all on most podcast apps, and if you listen on the Apple Podcast app you can leave us all an awesome 5 star review.

Episode 49 – Pain and Sensation Play

Pain play and sensation play are our focus this week. We discuss what we mean when we talk about Sadism and masochism, and how pain can be sexy and what you can do if you’d like to try some new sensations but don’t think pain is for you.

We have mini debate over what classes as sexy pain, stingy, thuddy or something else entirely. This leads to us having a bit of a run through of what the difference between the two is, and why they lead to different sensations.

While many us might identify as a Sadist or a masochist, or perhaps like Floss you’re a bit of both and like to claim the Sadomasochist label, that doesn’t we all enjoy pain in the same way though. Both Bakji and Floss enjoy pain in very different ways, and their approach to pain play also differs greatly. We discuss our own personal takes on pain, what we enjoy and why we enjoy it.

As we always say we’re not experts when it comes to the kinks we discuss, but we do try to share what safety and instructional information we do have. We do highly recommend though that if you are looking to engage in some of the things discussed for the first time that you do your research and due diligence before diving straight into the action. If you need any further information and you’re not sure where to find it, do please get in touch.

The focus of this episode does fall a lot toward the pain play side of things, however we are aware that some people really aren’t into pain at all, but may enjoy different sensations during a scene, so we try to cover some of those too.

You can as always send feedback for this episode via our email hello@proudtobekinky.com, or our social media platforms; Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. You can also visit us at our Patreon page, www.patreon.com/proudtobekinky, where you can find our spin-off podcast, FemDom and Fetish Fun.

We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network along with Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God, the Will Sean Podcast and Parking Lot Radio. We are all available on Apple podcast and most other podcast apps, if you chose player allows for reviews please do leave one for us as it really is helpful in letting other people know we are worth a listen.