FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out
Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.
Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.
Frenzy – A strong, sometimes overwhelming desire to find partner or to become immersed in Kink activities. Often seen in people who have recently discovered their kink identity or have not engaged in kink activities for a long time. People in the midst of frenzy may make unwise or unsafe choices.
When we join the kink scene, for many of us it is a treasure trove of new experiences, and in our excitement to find like minded people we rush to gather up all the new shinies, not for a moment stopping to take a breath and consider what it is we are actually trying to find and who we would like to experience that with.
Frenzy can lead us to make a myriad of bad decisions. We can play beyond our limits, we can choose ill suited partners and worst of all we can forget how important it is to look after ourselves and keep ourselves safe. I have spoken before about my own experience of frenzy. I talk about it open and honestly because I want to help others avoid the same mistakes.
My personal tips for navigating frenzy are:
- Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant who does not respect your ability to do this is not a Dominant worth having
- Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and get do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
- Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
- Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
- Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself from in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
- Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
- Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.
More often than not frenzy does not come alone, it will likely be followed a pain in the arse bedfellow that we refer to as drop. Drop is extremely unpleasant and can range in intensity in dramatic fashion. The first experience of drop I had made me want to leave the kink scene altogether. It made me feel awful about the things I’d experienced, and worst of all it lasted a few days.
I now know that my drop was this bad for a few reasons. I wasn’t playing with someone I knew well, I experienced too much, too soon, I had no idea of what I was actually looking for, I said yes to everything and I had no idea I needed to ask for support for what I was feeling. Luckily for me I had a friend identify what I was going through, and a friend that I turned to who pulled me back from leaving the scene and also from letting me indulge my frenzy any further.
Drop – A state of emotion following some Kink sessions. People can experience a wide range of emotions from tearful to angry to shame and more. This can happen immediately after play or many hours later, making it hard for people to recognise what it causing the feelings. It can last for a few hours or days and can often be prevented by good aftercare.
Unlike frenzy, which thankfully seems to become a distant memory after we learn to navigate our kinky ways, drop tends to remain in some capacity for many of us. These days it tends to hit me only after a particularly intense scene with Bakji. The way people deal with drop really does vary, so I can only share what works for me in avoiding it and easing it when it does it.
- Aftercare – Identify what aftercare you need and ask for it. As someone who isn’t big on cuddles, it was a shock for me to realise I need a lot of those as aftercare. Don’t let anyone tell what your aftercare should look like either. You might need a glass of water and alone time, and that is just as valid as chocolate and a cuddle.
- Be honest – Accepting I had drop and talking about it was a huge turning point for me. Beginning to share my post play feelings with Bakji made my drop far less frequent, and eased it much sooner when it did occur.
- Be self aware – For me this means avoiding certain types of play in certain moods. This will look different for everyone, but if I’m overtired or anxious about something, there are certain types of play it’s good for me to avoid until I’m in a brighter mood.
One of the things that seems to fuel both frenzy and drop is FOMO, that awful fear of missing out. What if we don’t go to that party? Will everyone forget about us? Will we miss our chance to ever be kinky again? The answer to those question and many more is no. It’s easy to convince ourselves that every opportunity missed is going to be the best night ever without us there, in reality chances are you aren’t missing out at all.
My best advice for FOMO is embrace whatever it is you are doing that stops you from being where you think you’d like to be. For me that was often at home on Mummy duty, while my new kinky friends were to my mind having the best party ever. I didn’t always manage this but what I should always have done is got myself some great food, planned some fun activities with my boy, administered some self care in terms of a luxurious bath and indulged in a good book or a cheesy movie.
These days I think I have a handle on drop and FOMO and frenzy is largely a distant memory now. The hardest part of all these things though, especially as someone new to kink, is accepting that they happen, identifying that they are happening to you and being prepared to seek support and take care of yourself when they hit.
We are all so very different in how we experience these things, if you are struggling with any of them, or are worried you didn’t identify them in the past then you are more than welcome to use the contact form to get in touch and I’d happily discuss them with you in a way that is more applicable to your own situation.
This is the second in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next installment will be published on March 12th and is titled ‘Aftercare – With or Without a Partner’. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.