Tag: Friendship

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Frenzy – A strong, sometimes overwhelming desire to find partner or to become immersed in Kink activities. Often seen in people who have recently discovered their kink identity or have not engaged in kink activities for a long time. People in the midst of frenzy may make unwise or unsafe choices.

When we join the kink scene, for many of us it is a treasure trove of new experiences, and in our excitement to find like minded people we rush to gather up all the new shinies, not for a moment stopping to take a breath and consider what it is we are actually trying to find and who we would like to experience that with.

Frenzy can lead us to make a myriad of bad decisions. We can play beyond our limits, we can choose ill suited partners and worst of all we can forget how important it is to look after ourselves and keep ourselves safe. I have spoken before about my own experience of frenzy. I talk about it open and honestly because I want to help others avoid the same mistakes.

My personal tips for navigating frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant who does not respect your ability to do this is not a Dominant worth having
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and get do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself from in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

More often than not frenzy does not come alone, it will likely be followed a pain in the arse bedfellow that we refer to as drop. Drop is extremely unpleasant and can range in intensity in dramatic fashion. The first experience of drop I had made me want to leave the kink scene altogether. It made me feel awful about the things I’d experienced, and worst of all it lasted a few days.

I now know that my drop was this bad for a few reasons. I wasn’t playing with someone I knew well, I experienced too much, too soon, I had no idea of what I was actually looking for, I said yes to everything and I had no idea I needed to ask for support for what I was feeling. Luckily for me I had a friend identify what I was going through, and a friend that I turned to who pulled me back from leaving the scene and also from letting me indulge my frenzy any further.

Drop – A state of emotion following some Kink sessions. People can experience a wide range of emotions from tearful to angry to shame and more. This can happen immediately after play or many hours later, making it hard for people to recognise what it causing the feelings. It can last for a few hours or days and can often be prevented by good aftercare.

Unlike frenzy, which thankfully seems to become a distant memory after we learn to navigate our kinky ways, drop tends to remain in some capacity for many of us. These days it tends to hit me only after a particularly intense scene with Bakji. The way people deal with drop really does vary, so I can only share what works for me in avoiding it and easing it when it does it.

  • Aftercare  – Identify what aftercare you need and ask for it. As someone who isn’t big on cuddles, it was a shock for me to realise I need a lot of those as aftercare. Don’t let anyone tell what your aftercare should look like either. You might need a glass of water and alone time, and that is just as valid as chocolate and a cuddle.
  • Be honest – Accepting I had drop and talking about it was a huge turning point for me. Beginning to share my post play feelings with Bakji made my drop far less frequent, and eased it much sooner when it did occur.
  • Be self aware – For me this means avoiding certain types of play in certain moods. This will look different for everyone, but if I’m overtired or anxious about something, there are certain types of play it’s good for me to avoid until I’m in a brighter mood.

One of the things that seems to fuel both frenzy and drop is FOMO, that awful fear of missing out. What if we don’t go to that party? Will everyone forget about us? Will we miss our chance to ever be kinky again? The answer to those question and many more is no. It’s easy to convince ourselves that every opportunity missed is going to be the best night ever without us there, in reality chances are you aren’t missing out at all.

My best advice for FOMO is embrace whatever it is you are doing that stops you from being where you think you’d like to be. For me that was often at home on Mummy duty, while my new kinky friends were to my mind having the best party ever. I didn’t always manage this but what I should always have done is got myself some great food, planned some fun activities with my boy, administered some self care in terms of a luxurious bath and indulged in a good book or a cheesy movie.

These days I think I have a handle on drop and FOMO and frenzy is largely a distant memory now. The hardest part of all these things though, especially as someone new to kink, is accepting that they happen, identifying that they are happening to you and being prepared to seek support and take care of yourself when they hit.

We are all so very different in how we experience these things, if you are struggling with any of them, or are worried you didn’t identify them in the past then you are more than welcome to use the contact form to get in touch and I’d happily discuss them with you in a way that is more applicable to your own situation.


This is the second in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next installment will be published on March 12th and is titled ‘Aftercare – With or Without a Partner’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

First up is Disclosure from Karin at theswingshift.co.uk. I loved this piece about finding a home in kink and often having to keep that secret from the world around us. When what we actually want to do is scream from the rooftops how happy we are to finally have that sense of belonging. It is a scenario that many of us can identify with. Even people like myself who are fairly open with their lifestyle, still have these moments.

Karin also wrote Kinky Mother, which I absolutely adored. As I am writing this round up I am also sat on the sofa with my 6 year old, taking it turns playing a pool game on his tablet. I don’t write about being a Mum very often though, but I love it when other people do. This post absolutely captures what it is to be a Kinky Mother.

I’m A Primal Here’s What It Means To Me is a post written by Charlton C. Tod who I recently discovered through him being a fellow Smut Marathon entrant. His recent post about what being a primal means to him was definitely informative for anyone who might being wondering what primal is, or whether it might be for them. I’ve always thought I had a bit of a Primal/prey side to my sexual nature, and Charlton’s post did wonders for confirming this.

My last post for my first #SoSS is Endless Possibilities – Being Part of an Open Poly Family from the wonderful Pixie Heart. I love Pixie’s blog, it is honest and open and gives people an insight into a family dynamic that many people would be baffled by through sheer lack of information. I think it’s so valuable to have people like Pixie opening up about her home life. It is posts like this that will hopefully help educate people about being polyamorous and/or non-monogamous.

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There’s a chance you are already fed up of me mentioning the Smut Marathon, but the voting is now open for the first round. You can read all the wonderful metaphors we have written and place your vote for your top three. It has already proved a huge challenge for many of us, so your support means so much to us all.

Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

I’ll have to apologise again for being purposefully vague with some aspects of what led me to write this entry, while a lot of things are my story to tell, a lot of it isn’t and this isn’t intended to be erotica, so the explicit details hopefully aren’t necessary. The summary is though, there was sexy, hot action and I was there, Bakji was there and another person or other people (now I’m just trying to make you wonder, my desire to tease does indeed extend to my writing) were there too, and they totally got some attention from us, and gave plenty back too.

While I was definitely excited about this adventure, I was fairly certain it would involve some new experiences, both as an individuals, as a couple and as friends and new things are unknown, so I’m often wary about my reactions to them, especially when my brain is still swimming with a lot of the societal norms I grew up being told were the done thing.

My overwhelming feeling though throughout our fun, and afterwards, both the next day and after a couple of weeks have passed is one of sexy happiness. You know when you’ve had a really good sexy, or kinky session with someone, and every now and again you get those great flashbacks that make you smile and tingle simultaneously, well I keep getting those. While it’s one thing to enjoy something in the moment, being able to look back on it and still feel good about it feels like the way to go.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not have felt quite this glowing about things in the early days of opening myself up to non-monogamy. There would have been stomach churning, anxiety and days of ‘big talks’ to get to the bottom of why things didn’t feel right. Knowing that made me look at what it was that had changed, and it will come as no surprise to anyone who knows anything about non-monogamy as to what those things were.

First up is the one thing everyone who discusses sex, relationships, kink or even life is always banging on about, communication. Why do we all say you should work on being better at this? Because it really does help. I’ve written about mine and Bakji’s journey with communication before, and we’ve also discussed it on the podcast. Needless to say we have improved dramatically. When it came to moving forward with non-monogamy as a duo, instead of just blindly saying we weren’t monogamous and blustering through without discussing what that meant, it became glaringly obvious that we needed to start having the in-depth conversations about non-monogamy.

I asked my questions, I said how I felt, I stopped panicking about where I was at maybe being different to where Bakji was at and just said ‘this is how I feel’. I  realised that holding things back wasn’t helpful, and that even if I said something that made Bakji call time on our relationship, that was probably healthier than living with a false sense of security. That didn’t happen though, what happened is that Bakji answered my questions, shared his own thoughts and we moved forward together without that impending feeling of doom that not knowing can definitely bring.

The fact we started communicating honestly nurtured a better level of trust, and that is the second thing that made these new experiences so much better. I trusted not only in Bakji, but in our and my own reasons for being non-monogamous, which is a point I don’t think I had reached previously. This is a lifestyle that found me, as opposed to one I went looking for and for a long time I didn’t appreciate what it took to make it work for me. I also got swept along with the crowd a little bit, and in the face of so many people identifying as polyamorous I naively assumed that was where I needed to be too. When in reality, polyamory is not where I am personally at yet. I can’t say for certain one way or the other whether or not it’s something I’ll be ready for in the future, what I do know though is that I don’t feel guilty about not being there right now.

The other things that I suspect makes a huge difference to whether or not people succeed in their non-monogamous adventures is the people you engage in sexy times with. I know for certain that has made a huge difference for me. Obviously when you engage in play as a couple you both need to have chemistry with the same person or people, otherwise someone isn’t going to be having fun. I think also knowing where the other people or person is at, and that they’ve got a good handle on their own relationship, or their take on non-monogamy if they’re single, is going to make or break whether or not they make you feel good about exploring with them.

I appreciate that depending on how your version of non-monogamy or indeed polyamory looks that always having the best of feels for who you partner chooses to play with isn’t always going to be possible and I know from reading and listening to other resources that in itself that is a big conversation to be had, and often times an even bigger hurdle to overcome. What I have learnt about myself though is that there are ways I am willing to do things, and ways that are not necessarily instant deal-breakers, but certainly could lead to that if a compromise or understanding could not be met. I now know that this is okay. I don’t have to do all the work myself to be okay with any given situation I find myself in. I had to work really hard to get to that point in my mind though, and almost had to give myself permission to admit that some approaches are not going to work for me.

While it’s always really nice to be able to share positive aspects of journeying into non-monogamy, or positive aspects of anything really, I do want to be honest about the whole overview, and that’s where the brain niggles come in. Now, I 100% in my waking hours feel totally amazing about our recent adventures, our future adventures and our time together as a whole. Apparently when I’m asleep my brain thinks it’s funny to test me by making sure I dream about everything going tits-up (and not in a sexy way). I think it’s probably another blog post to explain exactly why I think I was having these particular dreams, as it feeds into how security can look different within alternative relationship models. So I will come back to that soon. What I can say though is that I haven’t started to panic, or worry that brain niggles are a sign that deep down I’m in turmoil. Instead I just asked myself honestly what part of my insecurities these dreams were playing to and what I needed to do to settle those fears and thankfully the answers to those questions aren’t big and scary, and can be resolved with our good friend communication.

It feels like a bit of an anti-climax when I realise that the summary of this blog post it talk about your feelings, develop trust with your partner/s and don’t go into fatality mode over the small stuff. When we are new to things though I think the obvious things can pass us by, and little things can become big things in our mind. More often than I’d like to admit I have let my brain go catastrophic with my thoughts, instead of just taking a step back, thinking things through and discovering everything is in fact, all good.

Episode 50 – Making Kinkier Friends! One Year of #ProudToBeKinky

Happy Birthday to us. That’s right, we have now been releasing episodes for you for one whole year and what a year it has been. We went back and forth with lots of ideas for this episode, but we decided to get back to basics a little bit and discuss the things that we are constantly repeating and go into detail about why we say them and how you can go about acting on the advice should you wish to.

In episode one, Bakji and friend of the show BlueBen discussed how to make kinky friends. Floss recently gave this episode another listen, and was impressed overall that for a first episode it was pretty darn good, but also felt that we could tweak some of the advice after a year of not only podcasting, but also of getting more involved with the community ourselves as well.

In a good chunk of our episodes we say ‘go to a munch’, so we revisit this and discuss why we say that and what benefits we see to munches. We also address the fact that your first munch isn’t always going to be life changing and what to do if the munch you attend isn’t what you hoped for.

We also tackle Fetish events. Which in episode were discussed on the basis of go with friends only. However in the time we have been doing the podcast I have learnt that many larger events are doing meet and greets before the event kicks off, and we’ve also discovered that many smaller events do allow for more of a chance to socialise and meet new people.

Fetlife gets a mention as do our friends over at TheCage.co, as we talk about how best to navigate online platforms and what their uses are. This leads us to a bit of a discussion, where Floss might be a bit ranty about how certain people conduct themselves when sending messages online.

There is also some fun and frivolity, we both talk about some of our favourite episodes, things we love about doing the podcast and what, if anything we’ve learnt in the past year.

This podcast has become a huge part of our lives, and it’s been an unbelievable amount of hard work, but it has been worth every minute of it. Through the podcast we have connected with amazing people all across the world, some of those people have been guests, some listeners and we are so happy to say that many of them have turned into wonderful friends.

For anyone who has missed Floss’ social media posts about us turning one, we just want to say a big thank you to everyone who has listened, given feedback, supported and encouraged us. Each and every one of you has made this experience even better and we can’t wait to see what the next year of podcasting brings.

As always you can contact us via hello@proudtobekinky.com, you can also contact us on Twitter, instagram, Fetlife and Facebook. You can also swing by our Patreon page, and check out our spinoff podcast FemDom and Fetish Fun. As well as our new feature that is coming soon Aftercare Sandwich.

We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network, with Off The Cuffs, Drinks with God, Parking Lot Radio and the Will Sean Podcast. You can find us all on most podcast apps, and if you listen on the Apple Podcast app you can leave us all an awesome 5 star review.

Episode 49 – Pain and Sensation Play

Pain play and sensation play are our focus this week. We discuss what we mean when we talk about Sadism and masochism, and how pain can be sexy and what you can do if you’d like to try some new sensations but don’t think pain is for you.

We have mini debate over what classes as sexy pain, stingy, thuddy or something else entirely. This leads to us having a bit of a run through of what the difference between the two is, and why they lead to different sensations.

While many us might identify as a Sadist or a masochist, or perhaps like Floss you’re a bit of both and like to claim the Sadomasochist label, that doesn’t we all enjoy pain in the same way though. Both Bakji and Floss enjoy pain in very different ways, and their approach to pain play also differs greatly. We discuss our own personal takes on pain, what we enjoy and why we enjoy it.

As we always say we’re not experts when it comes to the kinks we discuss, but we do try to share what safety and instructional information we do have. We do highly recommend though that if you are looking to engage in some of the things discussed for the first time that you do your research and due diligence before diving straight into the action. If you need any further information and you’re not sure where to find it, do please get in touch.

The focus of this episode does fall a lot toward the pain play side of things, however we are aware that some people really aren’t into pain at all, but may enjoy different sensations during a scene, so we try to cover some of those too.

You can as always send feedback for this episode via our email hello@proudtobekinky.com, or our social media platforms; Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. You can also visit us at our Patreon page, www.patreon.com/proudtobekinky, where you can find our spin-off podcast, FemDom and Fetish Fun.

We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network along with Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God, the Will Sean Podcast and Parking Lot Radio. We are all available on Apple podcast and most other podcast apps, if you chose player allows for reviews please do leave one for us as it really is helpful in letting other people know we are worth a listen.

Torture Garden Special

One of the events that gets mentioned most within the kink community is Torture Garden. When we started going to lots of London events I lost track of how many people asked us if we’d been, and were then surprised when we said no. There were two reasons I took my time in going, 1. I felt like I’d enjoy it more in a group and 2. I was really uncertain about the strict dress code.

This Halloween though we decided to take the plunge and off we went to our very first TG. Prior to going myself I’d heard various things about it, some good and some bad. All of which made me wonder exactly what I’d be walking into. The reality was that I loved it. In fact we love it so much we are going back in December. While I appreciate it won’t be for everybody, no event suits everyone’s taste, and TG is no different, for some of you it will be amazing.

First of all, I was 100% right about going with a group. Myself and Bakji have attended many events just the two of us, and that’s actually how we made some of the friends we went with to TG. At certain event you can mingle and socialise a little, at TG I do not see that happening unless you already know a few people. It is busy, it is loud and people are in hedonism mode, having fun and revelling in a good time, I don’t think sitting down for a chat with a potential new friend is on anyone’s agenda. I think if you went solo, you would feel really lost and probably never go to an event. If you are a couple that can entertain each other well, you will probably enjoy yourselves, ideally though I’d say gather a little group together and really go for it.

So we found our group (and what a lovely bunch of humans they are too), bought our tickets, had a place to stay for the night (God bless friends who have a spare room), all that was left was to find an outfit! AN OUTFIT! For Torture Garden! How could I ever compete with the wonderful flamboyant creations you have to have to set foot inside this most awesome of events? Well I got in, so apparently I cracked it. My advice for anyone looking to go to TG who is worried about an outfit would be as follows:

  • Make an effort – if you are able to go all out and can invest both the time and money in a gorgeous creation, then go for it. Those outfits are a delight to view. If you can’t though you can still make a great outfit with key Fetish inspired pieces, working to the theme might help too.
  • Make-up is your friend –  Even if you’re a fella. Maybe especially if you’re a fella. Dramatic, all out make-up costs less than, dramatic all out Latex, but the effect can be incredible.
  • Be hair raising (or raise your hair) – Dramatic hair is another thing that makes a huge impact on your look. I crimped my hair, and it went big and wild and it really suited the theme of the night.
  • Latex – it frustrates some people that Latex is an automatic in to places like this (unless it’s stripy trousers, stripes are evil it seems), but if you’re new and uncertain Latex is a winner. Maybe combining it with awesome make-up, hair and accessories is a good way to make the extra effort.
  • Plan ahead – give yourself time to order from online stores, do our research into a good outfit, and give it some trial runs so you know you’re happy with it.
  • Pinterest – such a good place to get ideas for any outfit theme
  • Use the TG email – Decide on what you’re wearing and you can actually email TG and ask them if it will be suitable, they have people ready and willing to give you advice so that you don’t get turned away.

For anyone wondering what I actually wore, I was too excited to remember to take a photo, so I will have to explain it. Bottom half was fishnet tights, with high waist Latex knickers over the top of them. Then on my top half I wore a long sleeved fishnet top, and my new Xenia bra from Twisted Lingerie. It wasn’t crazy elaborate but it felt sexy and I really enjoyed wearing it.

As I mentioned previously TG is loud and it’s busy, which leads me to a couple of other tips. Decide on a meeting place and know you can land their should you get estranged from your group, then if you’ve lost someone check in on the meeting place and make sure no one has been stood their for two hours waiting to be rescued. Once you’ve been a few times I’m sure it gets easier to navigate, but as a TG newbie it feels like a total maze, though I think we only have a few more event at this particular venue, so this might not be a valid point for alternate venues.

One unfortunate thing that happens when somewhere is very busy, is that it gets very hot, and when I say very, I mean VERY. Think gates of hell type heat, it was frickin’ warm people. If you are like me and are a bit susceptible to overheating, please take regular fresh air breaks and drink plenty of fluids, and not just the alcoholic kind, the water kind too. I forgot about both these things and did have a little attack of melting, thankfully we’d had an awesome time up until this point because it did mean we had to head home to bed, and it wasn’t a sexy heading to bed. It was the ‘Floss falling onto the bed dying and Bakji taking her shoes off’ kind of going to bed.

As I say though, up until that point we’d had an awesome time. I’ve often heard people say that while this is a kink event, and there are dungeon areas available, that sometimes the best way to have fun is just to focus on the kink less and enjoy the party. I think on the whole I would agree with this. That’s pretty much the approach we took and we have a great time. The beauty of an event like this though is that your behaviour can be overall more kinky wherever you are and it is in keeping with the vibe of the night. For example, forcing your partner to lick your nipples while sat on a bench in a normal club would be frowned upon, however at TG I don’t think anyone even noticed us doing this!

That’s not to say there isn’t room for kink, there was definitely plenty of that happening, and my bottom may have got involved in an awesome spanking, once again having kinky friends is awesome! I also discovered that simultaneously bottoming and Topping is actually a lot of fun! Thank you to the kind and sexy people who helped me discover this. On top of that we also danced a lot, I may have got a bit merry thanks to my old friend Southern Comfort and we generally just enjoyed the sexy fun and made the most of our first experience of TG. I could tell we had fun because when we woke up the next day there was glitter everywhere, neither of us wore glitter out, so coming home covered in it always indicates a lot of fun was had.

That pretty much covers our experience, as I say we loved TG and we will definitely be going back, December tickets have already been bought. If you’re still not sure if it’s for you, but you are curious please feel free to get in touch, you can use my contact form on this site or you can email me via hello@proudtobekinky.com 

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When a (D/s) Relationship Ends

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I haven’t had a D/s relationship end as such since joining the kink scene. I have ended my interactions with people, and adjusted the parameters of play with people, and some kinky friendships and moved into more platonic realms. Those things either felt like an evolution of a friendship though, or the interaction I was ending didn’t feel like a ‘relationship’ to me.

I have however witnessed the end of many D/s relationships and that has given me some insight into how hard the end of a D/s dynamic can be. Especially for those people who are heavily involved in the kink community, it isn’t always that easy to create distance and time out from the person you are no longer involved with. Which can be exceptionally hard.

While I hope with all my heart that Bakji and I have many happy times ahead of us, I also acknowledge the fact that we may not always be together. I’ve done my fair share of believing in ‘forever’ when I was married and it still ended, despite the fact it would have been wonderful if it could have continued and for both of us to have been content. Relationships do end though, for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes we need to remove the people from our lives, but sometimes we want to keep them as a part of lives in some way too.

My marriage was not a D/s dynamic, but I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex-husband. Partly because it makes child rearing together much easier, but also because I love him dearly and he was my best friend for 10 years, just removing him from my life would have been heartbreaking. I feel very blessed that he felt the same, despite being devastated by my decision to end the relationship.

I feel much the same about Bakji. I cannot imagine not being friends with him. I can imagine scenarios in which our lives might cause us to head in different directions, I can understand that one day we might want different things from life or from our relationships, either together or with others. In all those scenarios though, I always imagine us finding a way to be friends, even if it takes time, while we readjust to new situations and difference of feelings.

I know this sounds a bit idealistic, and lots of people will probably be reading this going ‘yeah that’s not going to happen’ or ‘it’s not always that easy’. The thing is though, is that I believe in our friendship. I believe it is strong enough to withstand the loss of romantic and sexual connection.

I also prepare for these eventualities in my mind. Not in a depressing, ‘it’s doomed to fail’ kind of way, partly because I don’t see the end of relationships as a failure. Especially not good ones that just happen to run their course. It’s more that I know things might change, and I want to know how prepared I am to adapt to and accept those changes

Don’t get me wrong, some actions or attitudes would make this impossible. There are limits to my optimism. However, I also believe in Bakji and I can’t see him ever committing the actions that are on the list of unacceptable behaviours, and he’d have to have a full personality swap for his attitude to make me want to stop being friends with him.

Part of this approach to things, is keeping communication open. Obviously I want our relationship to continue, so I’m mindful to make sure we are each getting what we need from it. I’d much rather know early on if there is something that can change, rather than never know and it cause everything to implode. I’ve made the mistake of not addressing the little things before and it did not end well.

I know this isn’t about relationships actually ending as such, and even less about D/s relationships ending. I wrote it anyway though because you never know when your thoughts may resonate with someone, no matter how much they have digressed from the initial prompt.