Tag: Fetish

Is Confidence Affecting Your Kink?

If you are human, and I’m assuming most of my readers are, there is a chance that at some point in life you’ve had a crisis of confidence. More times than I can count I have heard someone use low confidence levels as to why they are too nervous to try a new kink with a partner. This is especially so when is comes to taking control and being the Dominant partner, though that is not to say that is the only scenario that lack of confidence infiltrates.

I have without doubt struggled with this issue myself, aided wonderfully by other people being less than encouraging about attempts I did make to try new things. When I met Bakji things started to shift, due to his constant support, encouragement and kindness and I decided that new things were definitely something I wanted to do.

As many of you will know I have a huge love of FemDom, it is hard for me to believe now, but at one point trying to Top Bakji was an absolutely no. My reason for telling him I wasn’t into it? Confidence. I was scared of getting it wrong, of looking daft or that he just wouldn’t enjoy it. Some of the things I started to notice really helped boost my confidence and I am hoping that by sharing them with you, my lovely readers, some of you might be brave and try something new.

Your Partner Wants Your Attention

IMG_6839.JPGThis is true of any relationship I’m sure. When is comes to BDSM scenes though it is my thinking that this desire is often amplified. When I started Topping Bakji I noticed how well he responded to being the focus of my attention. Yes the specific actions helped make our scenes more arousing, but at the heart of it, being into him was what was fuelling the fire. I know from being the bottom that I find this statement true for myself. More often than not, it’s isn’t always what Bakji is doing that I love most, it’s that it is him doing it.

Your Partner Loves Your Body

Our image of our own body is rarely the image other people have of it. It is rare to encounter a person who doesn’t have, or hasn’t at some point had an issue with their body in some way, shape or form. What that looks like varied dramatically from person to person. What often doesn’t change though is the fact that the person in question has a body that is adored by their partner. I know it can be hard to put aside our own insecurities, especially when feeling exposed, which kink can do both physically and emotionally. There is a good chance though that your partner isn’t looking at your double chin, small boobs or extra tummy, they’re just loving being intimate with you in that moment.

It Is Okay To Do/Wear What Feels Sexy

Following on from the above point, there is absolutely nothing to lose but everything to gain by doing or wearing what makes you feel sexy. Even if it isn’t on your partners list of things they love to see you in, I am convinced that if we feel sexier we act sexier. So if their preference is for Latex, but you rock up in a lingerie ensemble that gets you going, then I don’t think they’ll be complaining. Sometimes the confidence boost we need isn’t an obvious one, for some of us it might be killer heels or wicked eyeliner, for others it might be jeans and a t-shirt. I am a big believer in what makes you feel good is well worth bringing into a scene, because that confidence will shine out of you and make you even more irresistible than you already are.

Your Sexy Doesn’t Have To Be My Sexy

Lingerie is a big business, as is Latex for us kinky folk. If nothing that is traditionally orIMG_6836.JPG commercially pegged as ‘sexy’ floats your boat then that doesn’t mean you can’t rock a sexy outfit. I have on more than one occasion turned Bakji’s head with my £4 Primark leggings! My gym wear also has the desired effect. I think if we dig a little deeper in to what makes our partners sexy minds tick, there is a lot of room for imagination when it comes to creating a look you will both find appealing. This applies to the words we use, the kinks we play with and anything else we choose to incorporate into our sexy lives. If something gets you and/or your partner off and you’re both happy to engage in it said activity then I don’t think it matters if anyone else would find it sexy.

Sensory Deprivation as a Tool

If you main concern is looking silly if you get things wrong when taking charge of a sexy session, then sensory deprivation is your friend. I found a blindfold invaluable when I started Topping Bakji, if he couldn’t see me then he had no idea what I was doing. Even if I was stood dithering about what to do next, he just felt the anticipation of not knowing what was coming. Depending on what your partner is into, and how far you are willing to take this, we have also used sound reducing headphones, gags and restraint all to the effect of helping me feel more at ease with being in control.

Talk About Your Kinks

One of the other reasons I decided I want to give FemDom a try was Bakji’s enthusiasm over what it entailed for him. Knowing how exciting it could be if we enjoyed it together was a really great reason to try it. In talking through what he really loved, I learnt what things would be almost fail safe ways to get him aroused and feeling subby. If we hadn’t taken that time to get to know each others kinks and sexual turn ons, I’m certain it would have taken me a lot longer to gain the confidence I now have when Topping him.

Are there other things stopping you from giving something a try? Or have you got other ways you found your confidence in kink? Either way I would love to hear from you. You can get in touch through any of my social media links or you can leave a comment below.

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Frenzy – A strong, sometimes overwhelming desire to find partner or to become immersed in Kink activities. Often seen in people who have recently discovered their kink identity or have not engaged in kink activities for a long time. People in the midst of frenzy may make unwise or unsafe choices.

When we join the kink scene, for many of us it is a treasure trove of new experiences, and in our excitement to find like minded people we rush to gather up all the new shinies, not for a moment stopping to take a breath and consider what it is we are actually trying to find and who we would like to experience that with.

Frenzy can lead us to make a myriad of bad decisions. We can play beyond our limits, we can choose ill suited partners and worst of all we can forget how important it is to look after ourselves and keep ourselves safe. I have spoken before about my own experience of frenzy. I talk about it open and honestly because I want to help others avoid the same mistakes.

My personal tips for navigating frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant who does not respect your ability to do this is not a Dominant worth having
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and get do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself from in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

More often than not frenzy does not come alone, it will likely be followed a pain in the arse bedfellow that we refer to as drop. Drop is extremely unpleasant and can range in intensity in dramatic fashion. The first experience of drop I had made me want to leave the kink scene altogether. It made me feel awful about the things I’d experienced, and worst of all it lasted a few days.

I now know that my drop was this bad for a few reasons. I wasn’t playing with someone I knew well, I experienced too much, too soon, I had no idea of what I was actually looking for, I said yes to everything and I had no idea I needed to ask for support for what I was feeling. Luckily for me I had a friend identify what I was going through, and a friend that I turned to who pulled me back from leaving the scene and also from letting me indulge my frenzy any further.

Drop – A state of emotion following some Kink sessions. People can experience a wide range of emotions from tearful to angry to shame and more. This can happen immediately after play or many hours later, making it hard for people to recognise what it causing the feelings. It can last for a few hours or days and can often be prevented by good aftercare.

Unlike frenzy, which thankfully seems to become a distant memory after we learn to navigate our kinky ways, drop tends to remain in some capacity for many of us. These days it tends to hit me only after a particularly intense scene with Bakji. The way people deal with drop really does vary, so I can only share what works for me in avoiding it and easing it when it does it.

  • Aftercare  – Identify what aftercare you need and ask for it. As someone who isn’t big on cuddles, it was a shock for me to realise I need a lot of those as aftercare. Don’t let anyone tell what your aftercare should look like either. You might need a glass of water and alone time, and that is just as valid as chocolate and a cuddle.
  • Be honest – Accepting I had drop and talking about it was a huge turning point for me. Beginning to share my post play feelings with Bakji made my drop far less frequent, and eased it much sooner when it did occur.
  • Be self aware – For me this means avoiding certain types of play in certain moods. This will look different for everyone, but if I’m overtired or anxious about something, there are certain types of play it’s good for me to avoid until I’m in a brighter mood.

One of the things that seems to fuel both frenzy and drop is FOMO, that awful fear of missing out. What if we don’t go to that party? Will everyone forget about us? Will we miss our chance to ever be kinky again? The answer to those question and many more is no. It’s easy to convince ourselves that every opportunity missed is going to be the best night ever without us there, in reality chances are you aren’t missing out at all.

My best advice for FOMO is embrace whatever it is you are doing that stops you from being where you think you’d like to be. For me that was often at home on Mummy duty, while my new kinky friends were to my mind having the best party ever. I didn’t always manage this but what I should always have done is got myself some great food, planned some fun activities with my boy, administered some self care in terms of a luxurious bath and indulged in a good book or a cheesy movie.

These days I think I have a handle on drop and FOMO and frenzy is largely a distant memory now. The hardest part of all these things though, especially as someone new to kink, is accepting that they happen, identifying that they are happening to you and being prepared to seek support and take care of yourself when they hit.

We are all so very different in how we experience these things, if you are struggling with any of them, or are worried you didn’t identify them in the past then you are more than welcome to use the contact form to get in touch and I’d happily discuss them with you in a way that is more applicable to your own situation.


This is the second in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next installment will be published on March 12th and is titled ‘Aftercare – With or Without a Partner’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

First up is Disclosure from Karin at theswingshift.co.uk. I loved this piece about finding a home in kink and often having to keep that secret from the world around us. When what we actually want to do is scream from the rooftops how happy we are to finally have that sense of belonging. It is a scenario that many of us can identify with. Even people like myself who are fairly open with their lifestyle, still have these moments.

Karin also wrote Kinky Mother, which I absolutely adored. As I am writing this round up I am also sat on the sofa with my 6 year old, taking it turns playing a pool game on his tablet. I don’t write about being a Mum very often though, but I love it when other people do. This post absolutely captures what it is to be a Kinky Mother.

I’m A Primal Here’s What It Means To Me is a post written by Charlton C. Tod who I recently discovered through him being a fellow Smut Marathon entrant. His recent post about what being a primal means to him was definitely informative for anyone who might being wondering what primal is, or whether it might be for them. I’ve always thought I had a bit of a Primal/prey side to my sexual nature, and Charlton’s post did wonders for confirming this.

My last post for my first #SoSS is Endless Possibilities – Being Part of an Open Poly Family from the wonderful Pixie Heart. I love Pixie’s blog, it is honest and open and gives people an insight into a family dynamic that many people would be baffled by through sheer lack of information. I think it’s so valuable to have people like Pixie opening up about her home life. It is posts like this that will hopefully help educate people about being polyamorous and/or non-monogamous.

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There’s a chance you are already fed up of me mentioning the Smut Marathon, but the voting is now open for the first round. You can read all the wonderful metaphors we have written and place your vote for your top three. It has already proved a huge challenge for many of us, so your support means so much to us all.

Episode 56 – Shut The WOOF Up Podcast

Find out more about the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, you can also listen on most available podcast apps and via our #ProudToBeKinky Libsyn Page.

Shut The WOOF Up is a new podcast that is all about puppy play and the community and activities that it encompasses. The host Volka was kind enough to join us for an episode so that we could ask him all the questions we’ve had for ages about puppy play.

First things first, Volka has a sound effects board. I am sorry I failed to control Bakji, he is far less pliable and a lot more defiant when fully clothed. You will hear a lot of sound effects, and I mean a lot. The good news is, we haven’t got a sound board. The bad news is, Bakji wants one. So watch this space.

Anyway, back to puppy play. Once you start bimbling around the kink community you start to comes across a variety of pet play, ponies, kittens and puppies are probably the most popular and puppy play is a community alongside but also separate from the kink community. There are pup munches, pup events and pup websites to help you meet other like minded pups and/or handlers.

Volka was extremely open, and wonderful about answering all our questions. Which means we were able to talk about exactly what being a pup might entail. Is it sexual? Is it platonic? Are there lady pups? What the devil do you do if you go to a pup event?

We also ask Volka all about his podcast, all about his personal dynamics, because we’re nosy like that and generally we had a blast and if you think puppy play might be for you, then you need this episode. If you don’t think it’s for you I’m pretty sure you will still find much hilarity within this conversation.

Links discussed during the show are as follows:

Shut The WOOF Up

Puppy Pride

RubberDawg Custom Hoods

As we always say because it is 100% true, please get in touch, we love hearing from you, whether it’s feedback, questions, or just something daft. You can find us and reach out to us on any of the following:

Twitter/proudtobekinky

Instagram/proudtobekinky

Fetlife/proudtobekinky

Facebook/proudtobekinky

You can also swing by our Patreon site where you can hear more from us in our episodes of FemDom and Fetish Fun, our spin-off podcast all about our kinky scenes that we enjoy together.

If you’re lookingg for new podcasts to enjoy you can listen to our fellow Podcast Jukebox Network shows, Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God and the Will Sean podcast. We will have new shows joining us soon too. We all love reviews and 5 star ratings, if you haven’t done that yet but would like to do so, then thank you in advance.

FemDom Friday: FemDom Is For Switches Too

Switch – A person who may feel Dominant or submissive depending on their mood or their partner. Switching also encompasses those who identify as Top/bottom, and Sadist/masochist

I never would have found my love of FemDom if I hadn’t initially thought I was a submissive. When I joined the kink scene it was with the assumption that I would find a Dominant to explore my submissive side with. While in some ways that did happen, another and surprising thing happened too. I realised that while I do enjoy being a bottom, I have a great passion for Topping, and the resulting conclusion was that I am in fact a Switch.

Top – A person who is in control during a scene, this person may or may not identify as a Dominant

Bottom – A person who gives up control, receives physical sensation and/or verbal instruction during a scene from a Top, this person may or may not identify as submissive

A lot of people find their passion for Dominance or submission in the same way, by trying the other side of the slash (so called due to the Dominance and submission shorthand of D/s). For many people though, while they may prefer one over the other, their joy in engaging in both never wanes. Yet it is still all too common for people to feel like they have to deny one side to be fully accepted as the other.

Dominant – A person who exercises control in a D/s dynamic

Submissive – A person who consensually gives up control in a D/s dynamic

While I am saying we shouldn’t do this, I do 100% understand why it can be tempting. I have many times wondered whether I should just changed my social media profiles to reflect only the FemDom side of my kinks, on reflection though I feel like this would do me a disservice and if somebody is put off from connecting with me because I am a switch, then actually I don’t think I lose out at all.

There are a subsection of people who think that you cannot be a ‘real’ FemDom, or for that matter a male Dominant, if you also bottom, or engage in a dynamic as a submissive. It is rare that I make blanket statements, but that line of thinking is completely incorrect. You may not be switchy, you may only enjoy being Dominant, or only enjoy being submissive and that is absolutely valid. Your personal leanings to only one side of the slash does not and should not diminish my ability as a switch to enjoy both.

My journey into FemDom and being a switch began with my regular partner, what that dynamic looks like has changed over time. What hasn’t changed though is that the potency of my Dominance over him during a scene is not altered by the fact he might have given me a good spanking that week, or that when the scene is over he might be the one in control of a thoroughly good fucking.

It seems to me that only a certain selection of Dominant women are expected and encouraged to use the word FemDom in relation to their interests. In some cases it seems to be a synonym for pro-domme, or 24/7 Mistress. Let’s be honest though it is simply an amalgamation of the words Female and Dominant and I propose that more of us should be using it to identify the way we enjoy playing with our partners.

When I started looking for information on FemDom, I didn’t feel like I would fit the profile at all, I felt like it was a club I could never gain access to, because so little of the information was aimed towards women who were just starting their journey and looking to explore. Women who were sensual, women who were masochists, women who are sexually submissive, but fully in control as a kinky Top, women who hate the thought of humiliation, women who are shy, women who are eager to show their Dominant side but are discouraged by knowing they are multi-faceted and don’t want to be pigeonholed as one kink identity only.

Whenever I write about switching, or whenever we discuss it in public, or on the podcast, without fail another woman will approach me to discuss how they either took far too long to embrace their inner Dominant, or are still struggling to find out how they explore that side of themselves and this makes me so sad.

While everyone is different, for me, FemDom was my missing link. It was the part of my sexual self that suddenly filled in all the gaps, it was the first time I felt truly sexy, and fully able to embrace my feminine powers. I felt alive and euphoric, and more connected to my partner than ever before. To know that women are wanting to experience either these or other effects of FemDom but are missing out because they don’t think they are ‘real’ enough, is the reason I write articles like this.

Another reason I wanted to write this particular post, is to encourage women who are predominantly Tops or Dominants to come forward and embrace the kinks they enjoy as a bottom without feeling like they will be stripped of their FemDom stripes. For example I’m a masochist, I enjoy the pain and sensations of being spanked, as do many other women. Why should we give that up, just to prove to someone who probably doesn’t matter that we are to be taken seriously as a Dominant.

For me, my success or failure as a FemDom comes entirely from how I feel inside about who I am as a Dominant, when I am in that headspace, and how my partner (regular and/or casual) reacts to our scenes when I am being wicked to them.

I was always very careful to use the word Top, as opposed to Dominant, Dom and even FemDom because I felt like my my Topping side was more about action than dynamic. As time as gone on though I’ve realised that when we are in scene, something shifts inside of me, and my desire runs far deeper than I expected it too. Which is why I feel that being into FemDom, is about more for me than just administering the physical actions of Topping.

For me FemDom is about connection, and passion, it gives me a way to delve into someone in a way I never could as a submissive. I love exploring the feelings of power and control, while giving someone the freedom submission brings by stripping those things from them. FemDom allows me to revel in my sexuality and womanhood in a way I had never managed to before.

I know for certain that many of you are wanting to discover what it is Femdom might be for you, not because I’m great at guessing, or because you contacting me to tell me so, but because of the search terms you are using to find my website. It is my hope that someone reading this decides that the time has come for them to indulge in their desires and stop finding reasons to deny themselves an experience that could well lead to some amazing times.


This is the second article in a 12 part series, released every first Friday of the month. The next article ‘Sensual Domination is Valid’ will be published on March 2nd. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife.

 

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Munches and Fetish Clubs

As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.

Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.

Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.

While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.

When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:

  • What will everyone be like?

Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.

  • Will they all be weirdos?

Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.

  • Will I fit in?

More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.

  • Am I kinky enough?

YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.

  • Am I too kinky?

NO! There is no such thing.

  • Do I need to know what I’m into?

Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.

  • What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?

You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.

  • What if it’s boring?

Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.

  • What if it’s not for me?

It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?

You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.

Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership

Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.

Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.

Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.

I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.

In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.

Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.

My top tips for Fetish events would be:

  • Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
  • If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
  • Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
  • Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
  • Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
  • Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.

You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.

I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.

I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.

There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.

What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.

If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.


This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on February 12th and is titled ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

FemDom Friday: Don’t Be Swayed By The Stereotypes

When I first tried my hand at Topping, it was not what I would call a success. I bought the clothes and the shoes that said ‘I am a Dominatrix’, my hair and makeup matched the stereotype that the word Dominatrix conjures. When it came to the nitty gritty though I found that style wasn’t enough, because in attempting to explore that side of myself, I wasn’t the ideal version of a Female Dominant that the people I was Topping had imagined I would be.

In my various wanderings around the internet, I have seen many women say they can’t be Dominant within their kink explorations for a myriad of reasons. The only reason that I believe to be valid for not trying FemDom is that is truly does not interest you. Being petite, having no sadistic inclinations, an attraction to men who take charge in their daily life, or who are physically stronger than you – none of these are to my mind barriers to exploring or enjoying FemDom.

The Dominant woman stereotype, is just that, a stereotype. I follow a varied selection of pro-dominants and lifestyle dominants across a wide range of social media. While many of them have common interests, no two are the same.

When I met Bakji, (for new readers this is my partner in sexy shenanigans and my fellow host of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast) I knew he was a switch and I made it very clear that I would not be a candidate for FemDom fun. He was accepting of that, and never once pushed me to try it, despite the fact he would have enjoyed us giving it a go together.

As time moved on I became curious about his submissive side. Luckily he was willing to answer my questions, and we had an open and honest dialogue about the kinks he was into and why he was into them. Over a period of about 6 months I went from curious, to interest kindled. I decided to start off slow, my intentions being that I would learn Shibari, as a means to evolving my Toppy side.

Shibari – An artistic form of Japanese rope bondage.

What I thought would be a small flame of interest, turned into a raging inferno of desire, I fast fell into a  full on love affair with FemDom. Rope Topping quickly became accompanied by a desire to Dominate and control some of sexy scenes. Before we knew it this had become our regular dynamic, and I was left wondering how I didn’t realise I had this within me.

A lack of understanding about how BDSM actually works, and a huge lack of knowledge about what I was actually into, meant that I was swayed by the stereotype and I thought I had to be someone else, a perfect and pristine version of Female Domination to be precise, to be sexy and successful as a Dominant partner. What I learned through playing with Bakji was that being myself was actually the best way to find my style of FemDom.

I have learned that you can just as easily Dominate someone with a sweet and sensual approach, as you can with a steely and strict approach. Both are valid, both work in different ways, for different people and neither should be dismissed as wrong. BDSM isn’t a black and white, either, or, kind of world, for many of us. It’s beautifully nuanced, and allows for us to pick and choose what parts of kink and fetish we choose to incorporate into our dynamics.

Despite what much of internet porn will tell us, you do not have to wield a crop or be into CBT to be able to flourish as a Female Dominant. It’s acceptable to not want to call your partner humiliating or degrading names, or  instead want to shower them with sensual and loving affection, both in scene and out.

CBT – Cock and Ball Torture. Play involving pain and/or manipulation of the cock and balls.

FemDom, Female Dominant, Dominatrix, Mistress, none of these words are meant as synonyms for cold, heartless, joyless, bitchy, cruel or any other word that people seem to associate with Female Dominance. Don’t get me wrong, I love indulging my inner bitch during play, but it isn’t a necessity.

I have engaged in scenes with Bakji in head to toe Latex, skyscraper heels and a fierce desire to be utterly merciless with my teasing and sexy dose of cruel to be kind. On the flip side though, we’ve also entered scenes were I still had my slippers and pyjamas on. More traditional lingerie often features, and sometimes I even get naked, though as a fan of CFNM this is rare by choice, not by some unwritten rule of FemDom.

CFNM – Clothed Female Naked Male.

If any part of you, with a willing and eager partner, would like to try or plunge head first into FemDom, but have been talking yourself out of it because you’re worried you aren’t ‘FemDom enough’, I urge you to put your worries aside and give it a go. The worst thing that can happen is that you decide it isn’t a good fit for you after all, at best you could end up starting a wondrous journey of self discovery as I have.


This is the first article in a 12 part series, released every first Friday of the month. The next article ‘FemDom Is For Switches Too’ will be published on February 2nd. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.