My image this week isn’t of me, I asked my lovely friend if I could share a photo I took of her this weekend and I am delighted that she said yes.
One of the events that gets mentioned most within the kink community is Torture Garden. When we started going to lots of London events I lost track of how many people asked us if we’d been, and were then surprised when we said no. There were two reasons I took my time in going, 1. I felt like I’d enjoy it more in a group and 2. I was really uncertain about the strict dress code.
This Halloween though we decided to take the plunge and off we went to our very first TG. Prior to going myself I’d heard various things about it, some good and some bad. All of which made me wonder exactly what I’d be walking into. The reality was that I loved it. In fact we love it so much we are going back in December. While I appreciate it won’t be for everybody, no event suits everyone’s taste, and TG is no different, for some of you it will be amazing.
First of all, I was 100% right about going with a group. Myself and Bakji have attended many events just the two of us, and that’s actually how we made some of the friends we went with to TG. At certain event you can mingle and socialise a little, at TG I do not see that happening unless you already know a few people. It is busy, it is loud and people are in hedonism mode, having fun and revelling in a good time, I don’t think sitting down for a chat with a potential new friend is on anyone’s agenda. I think if you went solo, you would feel really lost and probably never go to an event. If you are a couple that can entertain each other well, you will probably enjoy yourselves, ideally though I’d say gather a little group together and really go for it.
So we found our group (and what a lovely bunch of humans they are too), bought our tickets, had a place to stay for the night (God bless friends who have a spare room), all that was left was to find an outfit! AN OUTFIT! For Torture Garden! How could I ever compete with the wonderful flamboyant creations you have to have to set foot inside this most awesome of events? Well I got in, so apparently I cracked it. My advice for anyone looking to go to TG who is worried about an outfit would be as follows:
- Make an effort – if you are able to go all out and can invest both the time and money in a gorgeous creation, then go for it. Those outfits are a delight to view. If you can’t though you can still make a great outfit with key Fetish inspired pieces, working to the theme might help too.
- Make-up is your friend – Even if you’re a fella. Maybe especially if you’re a fella. Dramatic, all out make-up costs less than, dramatic all out Latex, but the effect can be incredible.
- Be hair raising (or raise your hair) – Dramatic hair is another thing that makes a huge impact on your look. I crimped my hair, and it went big and wild and it really suited the theme of the night.
- Latex – it frustrates some people that Latex is an automatic in to places like this (unless it’s stripy trousers, stripes are evil it seems), but if you’re new and uncertain Latex is a winner. Maybe combining it with awesome make-up, hair and accessories is a good way to make the extra effort.
- Plan ahead – give yourself time to order from online stores, do our research into a good outfit, and give it some trial runs so you know you’re happy with it.
- Pinterest – such a good place to get ideas for any outfit theme
- Use the TG email – Decide on what you’re wearing and you can actually email TG and ask them if it will be suitable, they have people ready and willing to give you advice so that you don’t get turned away.
For anyone wondering what I actually wore, I was too excited to remember to take a photo, so I will have to explain it. Bottom half was fishnet tights, with high waist Latex knickers over the top of them. Then on my top half I wore a long sleeved fishnet top, and my new Xenia bra from Twisted Lingerie. It wasn’t crazy elaborate but it felt sexy and I really enjoyed wearing it.
As I mentioned previously TG is loud and it’s busy, which leads me to a couple of other tips. Decide on a meeting place and know you can land their should you get estranged from your group, then if you’ve lost someone check in on the meeting place and make sure no one has been stood their for two hours waiting to be rescued. Once you’ve been a few times I’m sure it gets easier to navigate, but as a TG newbie it feels like a total maze, though I think we only have a few more event at this particular venue, so this might not be a valid point for alternate venues.
One unfortunate thing that happens when somewhere is very busy, is that it gets very hot, and when I say very, I mean VERY. Think gates of hell type heat, it was frickin’ warm people. If you are like me and are a bit susceptible to overheating, please take regular fresh air breaks and drink plenty of fluids, and not just the alcoholic kind, the water kind too. I forgot about both these things and did have a little attack of melting, thankfully we’d had an awesome time up until this point because it did mean we had to head home to bed, and it wasn’t a sexy heading to bed. It was the ‘Floss falling onto the bed dying and Bakji taking her shoes off’ kind of going to bed.
As I say though, up until that point we’d had an awesome time. I’ve often heard people say that while this is a kink event, and there are dungeon areas available, that sometimes the best way to have fun is just to focus on the kink less and enjoy the party. I think on the whole I would agree with this. That’s pretty much the approach we took and we have a great time. The beauty of an event like this though is that your behaviour can be overall more kinky wherever you are and it is in keeping with the vibe of the night. For example, forcing your partner to lick your nipples while sat on a bench in a normal club would be frowned upon, however at TG I don’t think anyone even noticed us doing this!
That’s not to say there isn’t room for kink, there was definitely plenty of that happening, and my bottom may have got involved in an awesome spanking, once again having kinky friends is awesome! I also discovered that simultaneously bottoming and Topping is actually a lot of fun! Thank you to the kind and sexy people who helped me discover this. On top of that we also danced a lot, I may have got a bit merry thanks to my old friend Southern Comfort and we generally just enjoyed the sexy fun and made the most of our first experience of TG. I could tell we had fun because when we woke up the next day there was glitter everywhere, neither of us wore glitter out, so coming home covered in it always indicates a lot of fun was had.
That pretty much covers our experience, as I say we loved TG and we will definitely be going back, December tickets have already been bought. If you’re still not sure if it’s for you, but you are curious please feel free to get in touch, you can use my contact form on this site or you can email me via email@example.com
I really hope I’m preaching to the choir with this blog post, but just in case someone with no knowledge of the social side of BDSM stumbles onto my blog, I’m going to write this so it’s here for them to find.
This is another Reddit inspired blog post, I think now that I’ve deleted all the rubbish subreddits, so that my front page is entirely relevant to me you’ll be getting a lot more of these. So there I was perusing Reddit, when someone asked advice about their first munch. I send a well thought out reply, with all my top thoughts, and when I return later I see the following comment:
Munches … ‘Why do people do this? I don’t need to flag my sexuality and discuss it with other outcasts.’
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big fan of don’t feed the trolls. I think people who comment on things online with the sheer purpose of irritating people and instigating online arguments are just the most pitiful people going. However, in a discussion where new people, who might be easily dissuaded from actually being brave enough to take that first step are likely to read such ignorant comments, I felt I had to say something to highlight the fact he was in fact a douchebag. I’d also like to say that if the question had been ‘I’ve got a sub, who I met online, I’ve never had a problem using the internet for this kind of thing, I’m really curious as to why people go to munches.’ Then there wouldn’t be a blog post. I am not against people asking why. I am against people judging why.
Anyway, I politely pointed out that we go to munches to meet people with similar interests, so we can fulfil our sexual/emotional/physical desires with someone who understands our kinks. Also that it’s nice to have friends who understand the things we’re into because not doing so can indeed make kinky people feel like outcasts. I explained that munches at their heart are about finding a community in which you can be yourself and learn from others because it’s not that easy to just randomly stumble across someone in non-scene life who has the same kinks as you, especially if your kinks are a little more unusual. I posed the question ‘People with common interests meet up all the time, sports bars, book clubs, car shows, knitting groups, why should BDSM be any different?’
His reply was priceless:
‘I don’t see other sexual deviants having these meetups. Except maybe furries … with whom I don’t want any connection. What’s wrong with the internet? Also I already have a sub, so there’s really nothing for me there. I tend to not like other bdsm people… they’re usually the special snowflakes that didn’t fit in earlier in their life.’
Firstly, hell yeah we are special snowflakes! Most of us probably didn’t fit in too well at some points in our life, the reason being? We are too frickin awesome! Secondly thank goodness he doesn’t like other BDSM people, we do not need attitudes like this at munches. I personally love meeting other sexual deviants, and I am baffled that he seems to use that as a derogatory statement. All my friends are deviant perverts and I love them all the more for it. As for Furries, I don’t know any, and that makes me sad. I am so curious about getting myself in a furry suit. I’d like to be a cute colourful fox or kitten. I’d love friends to explore this with.
On a more serious note, I know he was trolling. I suspect the fact I even replied made him feel validated! Which makes me feel dirty, and not in the good way. Attitudes like this though, and similar thought processes, are quite possibly what prevents people from being brave enough to go to a munch, because:
- What if someone finds out they’ve been? Will they be judged as a ‘sexual deviant flagging their sexuality’?
- If they do get found out will they become an ‘outcast’ with their friends and family?
- What will the other attendees be like? Will we be more perverted than they can handle?
Those thoughts are so common that I think everyone I know used one of them as a reason not to go to a munch at least once before they actually joined the scene. It is in part the reason Bakji thought up the idea that has become #ProudToBeKinky, and my belief that we need to move away from these attitudes is why I wholeheartedly supported his endeavour and how I’ve come to be so involved in it.
I am by their very definitions a pervert and a sexual deviant. I’m also a Mum, a friend, a daughter, a colleague. I try to be kind and caring, I’ve got personal issues with hugs and stuff, but I’ll put that aside if a friend needs a hug while they cry. When my son is with his Dad I go off on my adventures with Bakji, but if my phones goes, and it’s from my son or about my son, I am a Mum, always. Nothing could outrank him ever. I’ve told my Dad all about my BDSM lifestyle and guess what, he still loves and supports me, because he knows I am more than just my lifestyle. My colleagues are all non-kink, yet all ask me what my latest event was like and what I wore. None of them have been harmed by hearing about my lifestyle.
That is what you are getting when you go to a munch. Real people, with real lives who enjoy kinky stuff. Some people only do kink once in awhile in the bedroom, some have 24/7 dynamics. There are folk like myself and Bakji who love going to lots of Fetish events, and others who never go to big events at all. Even at rope groups, where the aim is to tie or be tied, we turn up in our comfy clothes, stand around drinking tea and chatting, hardly ever about rope or kink funnily enough.
The viewpoint that different equals scary and threatening is surely outdated. Though I appreciate that thought process is having an effect on the world in far more terrifying ways than stopping people going to munches. I once got told by someone that I was ‘just a free loving hippy who wanted the world to live in harmony’, and it wasn’t meant as a compliment. The statement wasn’t incorrect though, it was their tone that made me realise they thought it was a bad quality.
Essentially though it’s true, and I’ll keep this next bit Kink oriented so this blog post doesn’t get too heavy. I don’t care what your kinks are, my only thoughts about other people’s kinks and fetishes are:
- That we should engage in them with consensual adults
- That we should all be aware of the risks we may encounter
- That where possible and appropriate we learn necessary safety measures and adhere to them
If someone is happy doing BDSM things at home, with someone they met online and never wants to go to a munch. Fine. If someone only wants to do online D/s. Fine. Are you into sniffing worn socks? Fine. Scat? Fine. Bondage? Fine. Sex toys? Fine. Crossdressing? Fine. The list is endless, and covers every kink or fetish you can think of. I really try my hardest to listen, learn and not judge. What I’m not fine with? Myself and other people being told what we should or shouldn’t do, think or feel. If you are small-minded, bigoted, judgemental, cruel, or a bully online or in person, then you can fuck right off.
If however you have an open heart and an open mind, and you like to celebrate people’s differences and support safe environments in which people can be themselves and explore who they might one day become, then you’re lovely and we should be friends.
When you first join you local BDSM scene it can be easy to assume that everyone will be really self-assured, have all the experience under their belt and have all the answers they need to lead a problem free kinky life. The chances are that all those assumptions will be incorrect for almost everyone on the scene, and the people who do put themselves in that category are most likely lying, at a bare minimum to themselves, but the chances are to everyone else as well.
With that in mind, I understand how easy it can be to embellish your own level of experience. If I could stop people doing one thing in their first few months on the scene it would be this. If you identify as a Top/Dominant, but have never spanked anyone, then say so. It’s okay to know you have things you’d like to learn. Pretending you know things you don’t is most importantly really dangerous, but also makes you look a bit questionable when we figure out you lied.
Most of the time the reason people aren’t entirely honest is nerves, we all want to be welcomed, accepted and liked and it can be really easy to get carried away in saying what we think are the right things. Some people are dishonest though for less honourable reasons, and those people are usually not safe people to have on the BDSM scene. So we do need to be aware of them and wary of them in some cases.
Quite often though people start to misrepresent themselves long before they get to an actual munch. Let’s move on to the joyful things people say on Fetlife. Now the ways in which people misrepresent themselves on Fetlife is vast and would probably cover more blog posts than I’m willing to commit to it. One way in particular though is what prompted me to write this post.
**From this point on I’m using Cisgendered, Hetereosexual normatives. Purely because the situations below have always involved Cisgendered Heterosexual guys when I’ve seen them. But I’m aware that everyone can be a douche regardless of gender or sexuality. I also know wonderful CisHet guys who have never done this!
So for arguments sake, let’s give some details of a profile I’ve made up in my very own brain. MrHotCock99, who states that he’s 18 and male. He’s got very little activity on Fetlife, mostly just adding females of a certain age. He will then more often than not post in one of the groups that advertise local events, or maybe personal ads for that area and here is where he will tell one (a few varieties exist) of the weirdest lies ever! Why are they weird? Because they are so obviously lies.
‘I have been in the community for a few years’ says MrHotCock99 ‘but have only just joined Fetlife.’ So you’ve been in the BDSM community since before it was even legal for you to be there? Guess what? You really haven’t. No community I have yet come across would allow this to happen.
‘I’m MrHotCock99 an Experienced Dom with 10 years experience.’ I’m sorry, what now? You’ve been a Dom since you were 8? FYI MrHotCock99 Domming your teddies doesn’t count.
When referring to a specific munch/community, ‘Been away from the scene for a bit, but back now and going to be attending the munch again’ This doesn’t work when people on the local scene have been on it consistently for many, many years and confirm they’ve never seen you at a munch. Let alone as an active participant in the local community.
As an aside, these people almost never actually turn up to a munch. Which is why their comments ring so many alarms bells. It’s as if they are trying to make themselves appear safe and knowledgeable in the hopes of catching the attention of someone new before they actually make it to a munch and find friends, or a decent, honest partner. Then there are the people seem to think saying these things will make them seem more credible for when they do come to a munch. It really doesn’t though. It just makes us think they’re really shady characters.
Here’s the best bit about many BDSM communities though, they’re small. Yes, some of the larger cities, like London, have lots of munches. But most towns, just have the one munch, and people talk, they talk a lot. Especially when it comes to keeping each other safe. Many of us form deep long lasting friendships with people we meet on the scene, and as such have things like each other’s phone numbers. When those douchey messages appear on Fetlife it usually doesn’t take long before we are alerting each other.
The strangest thing about all this, is if people were just up front it wouldn’t matter and would probably help their chances of getting what they want. If you’re looking for one night stands or casual sex, then say so, some girls on Fet are after those things. Don’t pretend you’re a longstanding part of the BDSM furniture though to try and make that happen with someone who isn’t into it. No one deserves to be hoodwinked in that way.
Just be honest. From beginning to end. It is by far the best policy, in most of life but so much more so in the BDSM community. We can only play safe, and responsibly if we know exactly who and what we are dealing with. No one deserves to go into a scene with someone thinking they have experience of something, to find out the hard way they didn’t actually have a clue.
Every single person currently active on the scene was new at one point, so we get it, we really do. We can offer better support and a more honest friendship though if we know the real you, not the blagger you. It’s also never too late to admit you were wrong, so if you’re reading this wishing you hadn’t told your entire munch you were British Caning Champion in 1982, when in fact you’ve never used a cane, speak up, learn something new and probably get a pat on the back for being honest.
Whoever you are. Whatever your kinks. Own it. Be you. It’s by far the best way to find like minded friends.
So technically, I’ve had two coming outs! I’m greedy like that! There’s my ‘I’m not straight’ coming out and my ‘I’m into BDSM’ coming out. On both counts I’m pretty much entirely out of the closet and that closet is now full of Latex, whips and sex toys. So basically opening it takes me to a sexy Narnia.
I’m going to focus on my kinky coming out though as this writing was inspired by the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky podcast and kinky coming outs was this weeks topic.
I’m very lucky in many respects. Firstly I have a job that allows me to be open. My work colleagues all know about my proclivities and while none of them are kinky (that they’ve admitted to me yet) they’ve all be very accepting and have asked lots of questions so they have a better understanding of what it is I enjoy.
While most questions have been insightful and I’ve really enjoyed covering topics like cross-dressing and D/s with them. Some questions can’t help but make me giggle. My favourite one being ‘so do you know the names of anyone at the parties you go to?’ When explaining that the people I have met on the scene are my friends so of course I know their names, I was met with a look of astonishment and the follow up questions of, ‘so it’s not all masked orgies and secret handshakes?’ Er …. no, not so much. I’ve been on the scene nearly two years and haven’t been to one orgy, be it masked or not. Maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong crowds after all! Where are my orgy invites people!
I’ve also explained to my dad and my ex-partner that I visit Fetish Clubs and go to BDSM parties. My reason for this is more practical. Should anything ever go awry and I or Bakji need to phone and explain there’s been an issue or accident preventing me from getting back home, I don’t want where I am to be a shock. It is a far fetched scenario and I hope a totally unfounded worry. But it was enough of a thought in my head that I decided to have those conversations.
My dad as it happens is probably my greatest supporter. His main worries for me are; am I happy? And am I safe? He knows the answers are a big yes to both so he has moved on to more frivolous questions now. For example, is my latex tight and have I seen many gimps at my parties! He is also open about what his daughter gets up to with his friends, prompting an evening long conversations with his partner and another couple about what Fetish clubs might be like. As open as we are with each other I live in fear of him asking me to take them one day!
I haven’t really had any negative experiences. However I do think my decision to not tell some people has created a distance between us that can be hard to bridge. My foray into the Kink world also marked a start of many new beginnings for me though, and in some cases I’ve had to make the hard choice of new life over old.
Despite the fact I can often sound quite blasé about my level of openness about my lifestyle, none of the decisions to talk about my interests have been easy. You never know how people will react and you can’t control their opinions of you once they’re in the know. All you can do is be armed with information and be willing to answer many, many questions.
So, if you’re sat reading this thinking that there really are people you would like to open up to about your lifestyle, here are my tops tips for coming out as kinky:
- Start slow, if you’re polyamorous, a 24/7 slave, living full time in Latex, while earning a living as a cam-girl, that can be a lot for someone to take in.
- Try to avoid too much scene lingo. Words like rigger, bunny, furry and little take on new meanings once you join the scene. But simple explanations like ‘I enjoy intricate, pretty rope bondage’, actually conveys something that most people with be able to derive meaning from.
- When talking about things like Fetish clubs, I always focus on how good it is to be able to dress to excess and mix with like minded people. As opposed to pushing the dungeon and play side of things.
- As previously mentioned be prepared to answer a lot of questions, I have a ‘no question is too personal’ approach and will share as much as someone asks of me. However if talking about the intricacies of your sex life isn’t your bag, then it’s okay to answer questions while still keeping some personal boundaries.
- People like to know you’re happy, and cared for. Things like impact play, bondage and power exchange don’t scream ‘I am cared for’ for those not in the know. So focusing on the emotional side of BDSM may be of benefit.
- Be mindful that people might need time to process. Shock may well give way to understanding, so don’t write people off if they are a bit taken aback at first.
If you’ve just read this and are thinking to yourself that coming out as kinky really isn’t for you, please don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for that and never let coming out as kinky be anyone’s decision but your own. Out or not, either decision is as valid as the other, and every individual knows which path is right for them.
In the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky, myself and Bakji talk Fetish clubs. If you have no idea what #ProudToBeKinky is check out my blog entry ‘Podcasts & Princess Parts’, short explanation though, it’s a super awesome podcast that I sometimes get to be on. In episode #006 we talk about what to expect from your first visit to a Fetish club, while I chat briefly about some of my own experiences I though a morein depth version might be fun for flossdoeslife. That’s this website by the way, in case you are here because you are lost. If you are lost, please stay, I promise it will be lots of fun.
My first visit to a Fetish club was, to put it bluntly, lame and very underwhelming. This was absolutely no fault of the club, I know other people who have had fab times there. Unfortunately my companion for the night convinced me getting changed there would be impossible, cue me having to buy a new coat to cover my sexy outfit, however with it being spring time my options were limited, and it was an ‘only just’ coverage. So when the same companion decided we had to stop for cash and her outfit made maneuvering tough, I was the one who got leered at by the vanilla fellas at the cashpoint. We also spent all night unable to chat much because the music was loud, and we therefore didn’t speak to anyone else either. For various reasons we didn’t take advantage of the dungeon, so all in all it was rather boring. I tell you this not to give you a horror story so you don’t go, but to show that going with the right people and knowing a little bit of what to expect can make all the difference to how much fun you can have.
Since then I’ve been to lots more Fetish clubs and have had an absolutely wonderful time at every one. I’ve been in a group, with a couple of other people and often Bakji and I just go off on a little Fetish excursion just the two of us.
I absolutely love going to Fetish clubs, my main reasons I enjoy going are:
- I get to dress up
- I get to use equipment I don’t have at home
- I get to meet new people
- I get to watch other people’s style of play
- I get to see a wide variety of dynamics unfold
Fetish clubs are fascinating places and they are filled with wonderful and diverse people, some of whom could end up being great friends. You also get to see how other people play and a variety of dynamics you might not see at the local munch. Myself and Bakji switch roles between Top and bottom within our dynamic, however those roles are fairly low protocol and tend to stay in scene. However, I really enjoy watching high protocol dynamics play out, and also enjoy seeing people enjoy each other and play with passion whether it is a dynamic I have an interest in or not. It’s a privilege to be able to witness other people explore each other, and an experience that is endlessly captivating.
While I must admit I spent a long time fretting over what to wear to my first Fetish event, I now realise so long as you make an effort, and expectations of ‘effort’ will vary from club to club, essentially for me it is just a really good opportunity to have some fun and dress in a way you never could outside of your own home. Latex, fishnets and 6-inch heels might turn a few heads down at the local watering hole.
In terms of equipment, there are a few things of my own I always take. Rope, a blindfold, a gag and impact devices. Sometimes I will also take leather cuffs. I may or may not use all or any of it, but it’s always good to have with me. Different clubs have different dungeon equipment on offer to use, some have a fab selection, others less so. Items we have so far taken advantage of on various occasions include St. Andrews cross’, spanking benches, bondage chairs, examinations chairs and hard points for rope suspensions.
It can be easy to be a daunted by the prospect of what types of play might occur in a Fetish club, though just to clarify as we did in the podcast, play does not necessarily equate to sexual play. Again the rules of sexual activity and nudity will vary from club to club. However things that we regularly see are rope floorwork/suspensions, bondage (none rope) and impact play. The sexual elements of play we do see, but less often. There is also no pressure to play as others do. Or to play at all. If your night would be amazing by putting on your sexiest outfit and dancing the night away surrounded by like minded people, a Fetish club is still well worth a visit.
Also don’t worry if you like the idea of using the equipment but don’t quite feel brave enough. I honestly thought I’d never Top in public. All those people who would clearly be watching my every move, waiting to see the error of my ways and discover I wasn’t a ‘proper’ Top. Yes, I actually worried about this, but in reality, everyone is doing their own thing, and so long as you are playing safe, no one is going to be concerning themselves with your play. If they are watching chances are it’s because it’s fun and sexy to watch. I have since shed my fears and have no qualms about wrapping the gorgeous Bakji in rope and teasing him merrily in public.
So to sum things up:
- Get your gladrags on, get to a Fetish club & have a bloody good time
- If you have any queries about dress-code or club etiquette, club organisers will be happy to answer any questions you have
- Best place to find Fetish nights near you? Fetlife