Tag: D/s

[FemDom Friday] It’s Okay For Submissives To Have A Voice

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My own D/s dynamic only comes into play when we engage in kinky scenes. However I stand by the message of this article regardless of whether you have an in scene dynamic only or a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic and I am prepared for the onslaught of emails telling me I am wrong, but I think it is very important for some people to hear my take on this.

Regardless of your specific D/s dynamic or the frequency of it, your submissive does not cease to be a human being, and as such they have their own thoughts, feelings and desires. While the Dominant one in the dynamic may well do a lot of the leading and decision making, again depending on your specific situation, no Dominant is all knowing. Despite the spate of ‘Dominants’ who seem to think they are just that.

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[FemDom Friday] It Doesn’t Have To Be 24/7

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When you first join Fetlife, or even when you are perusing BDSM accounts on platform like Twitter and Instagram, you would be forgiven for thinking the majority of D/s enthusiasts are living the lifestyle 24/7, with high protocols and a signed contract as long a their arm tucked away for safekeeping.

Don’t misunderstand me, I am not dismissing the 24/7 lifestyle. It is valid and fulfilling for those who are suited to it and I am the first to love hearing from people who do enjoy their D/s dynamics in this way. However, for some of us, it just isn’t possible, or yearned for, and that is okay too. While I am not currently involved in anything close to 24/7 I certainly do not rule it out, you never know what is round the corner and I think staying open to all manner of BDSM opportunities is a wise move.

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[Kink] Getting Off In FemDom Scenes

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One of the most wonderful things about sharing my interest in FemDom as it has grown is getting to help other people find out what FemDom might mean to them. This week a friend asked me a question and I thought it would make a great blog post for anyone else who has had the same thought …

‘How do you get off during FemDom scenes?’

The reason I think this is such a great question is because it took me a long time to figure out how I incorporate my own sexual pleasure into FemDom sessions. I am specifying sexual pleasure, because even if I didn’t have an orgasm, I was getting a serious brain and body high from the act of Domination in and of itself. Wanting to include orgasms for me actually came along a little later, and it was then that I had to figure out just out to do that without losing the d/s dynamic that we have present during a FemDom session.

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[Life] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare

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Aftercare – The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which those involved calm down, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

When I first joined the kink community the concept of aftercare baffled me. As someone who would not consider themselves tactile or overly affectionate I decided that aftercare wasn’t for me. I am not embarrassed to say I was wrong. I think aftercare is for everybody, and what some of us are saying when we say we don’t ‘need aftercare’ is ‘my aftercare looks different to yours’. Whether we have discovered that for ourselves or not.

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[Kink] Is Confidence Affecting Your Kink?

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If you are human, and I’m assuming most of my readers are, there is a chance that at some point in life you’ve had a crisis of confidence. More times than I can count I have heard someone use low confidence levels as to why they are too nervous to try a new kink with a partner. This is especially so when is comes to taking control and being the Dominant partner, though that is not to say that is the only scenario that lack of confidence infiltrates.

I have without doubt struggled with this issue myself, aided wonderfully by other people being less than encouraging about attempts I did make to try new things. When I met Bakji things started to shift, due to his constant support, encouragement and kindness and I decided that new things were definitely something I wanted to do.

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[FemDom Friday] FemDom Is For Switches Too

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Switch – A person who may feel Dominant or submissive depending on their mood or their partner. Switching also encompasses those who identify as Top/bottom, and Sadist/masochist

I never would have found my love of FemDom if I hadn’t initially thought I was a submissive. When I joined the kink scene it was with the assumption that I would find a Dominant to explore my submissive side with. While in some ways that did happen, another and surprising thing happened too. I realised that while I do enjoy being a bottom, I have a great passion for Topping, and the resulting conclusion was that I am in fact a Switch.

Top – A person who is in control during a scene, this person may or may not identify as a Dominant

Bottom – A person who gives up control, receives physical sensation and/or verbal instruction during a scene from a Top, this person may or may not identify as submissive

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[FemDom Friday] Don’t Be Swayed By The Stereotypes

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When I first tried my hand at Topping, it was not what I would call a success. I bought the clothes and the shoes that said ‘I am a Dominatrix’, my hair and makeup matched the stereotype that the word Dominatrix conjures. When it came to the nitty gritty though I found that style wasn’t enough, because in attempting to explore that side of myself, I wasn’t the ideal version of a Female Dominant that the people I was Topping had imagined I would be.

In my various wanderings around the internet, I have seen many women say they can’t be Dominant within their kink explorations for a myriad of reasons. The only reason that I believe to be valid for not trying FemDom is that is truly does not interest you. Being petite, having no sadistic inclinations, an attraction to men who take charge in their daily life, or who are physically stronger than you – none of these are to my mind barriers to exploring or enjoying FemDom.

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[Kink] Super Sexy Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation

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Recently myself and Bakji spoke to Princess Kali about erotic humiliation for ProudToBeKinky. During that podcast I recalled how her book, Enough To Make You Blush, was one of my earliest and favourite resources when I was starting out in my FemDom journey. Having heard Princess Kali on Masocast, I was intrigued by the idea that humiliation play perhaps wasn’t what I thought it was, and decided I would read the book to find out more. What I found out was that the idea of erotic humiliation was really intriguing.

As I said in the podcast blog, humiliation seems to be one of the kinks that gets a lot of people saying ‘oh no, I’m not into that’, when I think in reality a lot of us play with it without even knowing that is what we are doing. The spectrum of humiliation play is vast, and there are so many ways to play with it and not all of them involve stereotype phrases like ‘you’re a pathetic, snivelling, dirty little worm’, although I have used the word pathetic once or twice, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all, if your partner is receptive to it.

There are lots of discussion groups on Fetlife surrounding humiliation, some of which are filled with awesome ideas, and Enough To Make You Blush also contains a lot of hints and scenes that could get you started. As with every kink though we are all different, and what humiliates one person will have no effect on another. Which means that this might be a bit of a long game kink, it might take some time to dig around in your partner’s mind a little to discover what it is that makes them tick.

I am definitely more into verbal erotic humiliation, though I definitely have more physical aspects of humiliation play that I’d like to explore. The kinds of verbal play we engage in are along the lines of embarrassment, teasing and name calling. As I said on the podcast for those who listened, Bakji has no shame, he is a proud and glorious pervert, so I have my work cut out for me when it comes to finding the right words to bring a blush to his cheeks. Unless it’s his bum cheeks in which case a few good spanks causes a beautiful rosy glow.

What I have discovered though is tone and context are everything. Calling your partner simple because they bought the wrong beans at the supermarket, not nice. Calling them simple because they are all sub-spacey and can’t use their words properly, super sexy. Pointing out they can’t use their words properly, and trying to get them to speak, even sexier. Continuing this until they’re completely incoherent and then highlighting how they’re not longer even a proper person but just a support system for a cock, insanely sexy.

Those kinds of things are only fun for me though because Bakji reacts well to them. It is not fun for me to make some cry because I’ve said something triggering and they are tears of genuine upset. It is however fun to make someone cry because they are desperate to come, extremely frustrated and mildly concerned that you’re going to drive them insane with your sexy FemDom sorcery. I haven’t actually made Bakji cry yet, but I will, and when I do it will be glorious, and I will laugh, and he will adore me for it.

This is probably a slightly terrifying insight into my mind for anyone who doesn’t find this kind of stuff fun, but I never knew how freeing and exciting this kind of play would be until I tried it. When `I’m not embracing my monstrous FemDom ego, I’m lovely. I’m very nurturing and kind, I don’t say mean things and I don’t laugh at other people’s misfortune. Which means it is rather liberating to go against the grain and embrace my inner bitch. Now of course this isn’t to say that everyone into FemDom feels this way, kinky Domination isn’t one size fits all and this is just my take on things.

Now if anyone is worrying for Bakji’s safety or his emotional well-being, especially if you’re new and this is the first post you’re reading. We are in a consensual kinky relationship, we’ve had many, many exchanges about what we are happy to engage in, what our limits are and what we are really, really into. Which means I know that I can tie him up and laugh at his sexy frustration and I can be certain he will find it equally sexy that I can enjoy myself so much by teasing him.

I also know where to draw the line. When our scene ends, words are of affection and affirmation. It is beyond important for Bakji to know that the things said during play, are part of our play and not part of our non-kink time together. I don’t randomly name call over dinner, or declare that I am everything and he is nothing when we’re discussing ideas for the podcast. I say lovely things like ‘I fancy you’ and ‘you’re pretty’, and that affords me the opportunity to verbally berate him and tease him mercilessly when we are doing kinky things together.

One of the common things that come up on forums about BDSM, or even about sex, is not knowing what to say. Whether that’s for humiliation play or for sexy talk. I would have said the exact same thing, I also would have said that the idea of speaking during intimate moments was a no go for me. When I started Topping Bakji though I noticed that I started doing this completely naturally. Often all I will do is point out how hard he is, or how badly he wants to kiss me and just the very act of pointing out his very obvious desire and arousal is enough to get the erotic humiliation ball rolling. For anyone who thinks this seems really low level kink and doubts it’s effectiveness I urge you to give it a go, with consent of course.

This all might sound a little bit stereotypical Dominatrix, and I think that probably stops a lot of people testing the waters with humiliation play, but I think it’s worth noting that I do all this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Even when you reach the realms of extreme humiliation and degradation, you can still embrace an element of fun when doing it and one would hope that you’re doing it to share an awesome and kinky experience with your bottom, and if that isn’t something to smile about then I don’t know what is.

As with everything I chat about on this blog, I’m no expert, and there is much to be discussed beyond my own personal experience. If humiliation is something you’re curious about though and have been nervous to try, or cautious to discuss with a partner, then this is me saying it’s okay to start small and it’s okay to not know where to being but to still want to try.

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[Kink] The Tease of Chastity

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I recently commented on a piece of my erotica that myself and Bakji have recently had a failed attempt at male chastity. A regular reader collaredmichael asked what happened and suggested it might be a future blog post. At the time I said it was a short story, and not really worthy of its own post, however the whole situation is starting to become more and more ludicrous, so perhaps now is the time to share.

Myself and Bakji have been discussing trying a cock cage for a fair while now. While we are not currently looking to explore long-term chastity, we are very keen to incorporate it into our scenes, and I have high hopes for using it when we spend weekends together. My imagination is completely captivated by this idea, as two recent erotic tales involving chastity probably shows.

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[Kink] The Vulnerability of Topping

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Recently on #ProudToBeKinky we discussed the internal conflicts of Kink. Those things we might be interested in, or roles we might identify with that for whatever reason might be at odds with our non-kink life.

During the podcast one of the things I mentioned was how I find it much easier to vocalise what I want and to be honest even know what I want as a Top than I ever did as a bottom. I commented on how this seems strange to me because I always thought I was a more natural bottom than Top. My love of FemDom however has completely changed so much about my interests and how I view myself, that I am having to re-evaluate a lot of those thoughts.

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