Tag: Community

Smut Marathon Round 1: The Results

The writers of each of the 75 metaphors entered for the first round of Smut Marathon have been revealed. The results of the voting have also been announced, which means we know now who got the coveted first place and where we ranked personally.

For those who are curious, but haven’t read the results yet, my submission is below. I originally penned the title as ‘Melt’ but opted to change it in light of there being another piece with that title. Not that the title remotely reflects, how well it did or didn’t do.

Fluid

My body melts under his touch, he is the flame, I am the wax, I am fluid beneath him, I drip, drip, drip as he burns me with his desire

Overall I placed 19th, I won’t fill this post with the breakdown of the votes, they are definitely worth a look though and have been very interesting to read as someone taking part. I got some feedback but not vast amounts. I have never put myself forward before to receive criticism of my writing, so I am working on receiving the feedback positively and considering how I can apply it to improve my writing going forward.

  • I like the repetition here. Do you need the ‘burns me with desire’ at the end?
  • I have issues with your punctuation. This should be 3 or 4 sentences at least.
  • This is a great image, you got my vote! I would prefer periods to commas in most places.
  • The idea here is good, but it feels like several sentences has been put together to make one. A different sentence construction might have been better.

What I am taking from the feedback above is that perhaps I need to work on my knowledge of grammar and punctuation. We were tasked with using one sentence only to write our metaphor, so perhaps my liberal use of commas didn’t do me any favours.

Something I know I struggle with is changing my structure once I’ve written something, which is reflected in the last bullet point. I think had I been able to shuffle things around a bit it might have alleviated the punctuation issues as well.

At my heart I am a storyteller when I write, however I think perhaps with this task it led to me using too many words. Having read my piece back without ‘burns me with desire’ at the end, I can see where the person who made that comment was coming from.

I must admit it wasn’t easy to realise everyone didn’t love my piece, not that for one minute I imagined they would, but I think most of us would hope to be as well received as possible.That said, my overall hope going into the first round was to finish in the top 35, and I did that with places to spare. I am therefore trying not to be too harsh on myself.

Enough about me though. There were after all, another 74 people that took part in this first round of the Smut Marathon. I voted for my top three, and it has been just as interesting to see how they did as it was to find out my own position. My top three were Scene by Lucy, Cosmic by Hyacinth Jones and Catalogue by Paige La Marchand.

  • Scene – Your knee just barely brushing mine and —! darling it’s a lovely theatre the music’s quite delightful but god, the flickering when our knees brush in the stalls: that’s the show.
  • Cosmic – He tasted like Jupiter and felt like stars streaking deep across my warm cosmic belly; my heart cast against asteroids, ground to cosmic dust, hot and still like the sun.
  • Catalogue – She examined and filed away every sight, sound, touch, taste and scent; her mind becoming an ever-expanding catalogue of sensual experiences to be re-experienced at will.

When I voted I didn’t know who I was voting for, as it turns out I have voted for two bloggers I’ve not read before, and Paige I have encountered through her podcast The Pageist. The reason I voted for these pieces is because they all evoked a feeling in me.

When I read ‘Scene’, I loved the image it brought to mind and how it drew my focus to those small, but wonderful moments that can encapsulate so much. I found it interesting that this piece ranked in the same place as mine. What I enjoy, both as a writer and reader does not seem to be what captures the eye of the majority of people.

‘Cosmic’ for me was another piece that painted a beautiful image in my mind, and I adore the idea of stars streaking across a deep warm cosmic belly. To me that described something I have myself so many times, that I couldn’t not vote for it.

‘Catalogue’ for me brought about images of being alone and aroused with memories of erotic moments. I imagined those times I haven’t been with Bakji, yet my hands move across my body to the memories of his kiss, or his touch. Again with this piece evoking that kind of thinking, how could I not love it.

Both Cosmic and Catalogue placed 24th overall and I am so surprised they weren’t higher. As well as reflecting on my own feedback, I have also reflected upon the feedback of these three pieces too. To try and identify what it is about the pieces I enjoyed that didn’t quite get them the top spots I felt they would achieve. As it turns out, sentence structure, punctuation and trying to say too much all feature. Which gives me a good idea as to where I need to be paying more attention.

As well as voting for my top three I also left feedback for three pieces that just didn’t hit my erotic buttons. Two of which ranked far higher than mine, and my top three. One ranked in a similar position. Two were identified as similes, and one received multiple comments about not being overly erotic but still outranked many that I found more appealing.

I’ve found the feedback for the pieces I critiqued less valuable because they seem to have been voted for because they resonated well with the voters rather than being true to the assignment set, or due to technical writing skills. Which makes it a bit tricky to take direction from their success. I’ve also read and considered the feedback for the three pieces that ranked top overall, which is leading me to consider the art of subtlety and humour.

This round has been a positive learning curve, even if I don’t make it to my personal goal, which I won’t disclose in case I jinx myself, I feel as if I’ve gained a lot of valuable information already. I am so pleased I decided to enter the Smut Marathon and I hope all the other entrants are managing to process their ranking and feedback in a positive light.

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Frenzy – A strong, sometimes overwhelming desire to find partner or to become immersed in Kink activities. Often seen in people who have recently discovered their kink identity or have not engaged in kink activities for a long time. People in the midst of frenzy may make unwise or unsafe choices.

When we join the kink scene, for many of us it is a treasure trove of new experiences, and in our excitement to find like minded people we rush to gather up all the new shinies, not for a moment stopping to take a breath and consider what it is we are actually trying to find and who we would like to experience that with.

Frenzy can lead us to make a myriad of bad decisions. We can play beyond our limits, we can choose ill suited partners and worst of all we can forget how important it is to look after ourselves and keep ourselves safe. I have spoken before about my own experience of frenzy. I talk about it open and honestly because I want to help others avoid the same mistakes.

My personal tips for navigating frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant who does not respect your ability to do this is not a Dominant worth having
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and get do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself from in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

More often than not frenzy does not come alone, it will likely be followed a pain in the arse bedfellow that we refer to as drop. Drop is extremely unpleasant and can range in intensity in dramatic fashion. The first experience of drop I had made me want to leave the kink scene altogether. It made me feel awful about the things I’d experienced, and worst of all it lasted a few days.

I now know that my drop was this bad for a few reasons. I wasn’t playing with someone I knew well, I experienced too much, too soon, I had no idea of what I was actually looking for, I said yes to everything and I had no idea I needed to ask for support for what I was feeling. Luckily for me I had a friend identify what I was going through, and a friend that I turned to who pulled me back from leaving the scene and also from letting me indulge my frenzy any further.

Drop – A state of emotion following some Kink sessions. People can experience a wide range of emotions from tearful to angry to shame and more. This can happen immediately after play or many hours later, making it hard for people to recognise what it causing the feelings. It can last for a few hours or days and can often be prevented by good aftercare.

Unlike frenzy, which thankfully seems to become a distant memory after we learn to navigate our kinky ways, drop tends to remain in some capacity for many of us. These days it tends to hit me only after a particularly intense scene with Bakji. The way people deal with drop really does vary, so I can only share what works for me in avoiding it and easing it when it does it.

  • Aftercare  – Identify what aftercare you need and ask for it. As someone who isn’t big on cuddles, it was a shock for me to realise I need a lot of those as aftercare. Don’t let anyone tell what your aftercare should look like either. You might need a glass of water and alone time, and that is just as valid as chocolate and a cuddle.
  • Be honest – Accepting I had drop and talking about it was a huge turning point for me. Beginning to share my post play feelings with Bakji made my drop far less frequent, and eased it much sooner when it did occur.
  • Be self aware – For me this means avoiding certain types of play in certain moods. This will look different for everyone, but if I’m overtired or anxious about something, there are certain types of play it’s good for me to avoid until I’m in a brighter mood.

One of the things that seems to fuel both frenzy and drop is FOMO, that awful fear of missing out. What if we don’t go to that party? Will everyone forget about us? Will we miss our chance to ever be kinky again? The answer to those question and many more is no. It’s easy to convince ourselves that every opportunity missed is going to be the best night ever without us there, in reality chances are you aren’t missing out at all.

My best advice for FOMO is embrace whatever it is you are doing that stops you from being where you think you’d like to be. For me that was often at home on Mummy duty, while my new kinky friends were to my mind having the best party ever. I didn’t always manage this but what I should always have done is got myself some great food, planned some fun activities with my boy, administered some self care in terms of a luxurious bath and indulged in a good book or a cheesy movie.

These days I think I have a handle on drop and FOMO and frenzy is largely a distant memory now. The hardest part of all these things though, especially as someone new to kink, is accepting that they happen, identifying that they are happening to you and being prepared to seek support and take care of yourself when they hit.

We are all so very different in how we experience these things, if you are struggling with any of them, or are worried you didn’t identify them in the past then you are more than welcome to use the contact form to get in touch and I’d happily discuss them with you in a way that is more applicable to your own situation.


This is the second in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next installment will be published on March 12th and is titled ‘Aftercare – With or Without a Partner’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

First up is Disclosure from Karin at theswingshift.co.uk. I loved this piece about finding a home in kink and often having to keep that secret from the world around us. When what we actually want to do is scream from the rooftops how happy we are to finally have that sense of belonging. It is a scenario that many of us can identify with. Even people like myself who are fairly open with their lifestyle, still have these moments.

Karin also wrote Kinky Mother, which I absolutely adored. As I am writing this round up I am also sat on the sofa with my 6 year old, taking it turns playing a pool game on his tablet. I don’t write about being a Mum very often though, but I love it when other people do. This post absolutely captures what it is to be a Kinky Mother.

I’m A Primal Here’s What It Means To Me is a post written by Charlton C. Tod who I recently discovered through him being a fellow Smut Marathon entrant. His recent post about what being a primal means to him was definitely informative for anyone who might being wondering what primal is, or whether it might be for them. I’ve always thought I had a bit of a Primal/prey side to my sexual nature, and Charlton’s post did wonders for confirming this.

My last post for my first #SoSS is Endless Possibilities – Being Part of an Open Poly Family from the wonderful Pixie Heart. I love Pixie’s blog, it is honest and open and gives people an insight into a family dynamic that many people would be baffled by through sheer lack of information. I think it’s so valuable to have people like Pixie opening up about her home life. It is posts like this that will hopefully help educate people about being polyamorous and/or non-monogamous.

IMG_6751.JPG

There’s a chance you are already fed up of me mentioning the Smut Marathon, but the voting is now open for the first round. You can read all the wonderful metaphors we have written and place your vote for your top three. It has already proved a huge challenge for many of us, so your support means so much to us all.

Episode 56 – Shut The WOOF Up Podcast

Find out more about the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, you can also listen on most available podcast apps and via our #ProudToBeKinky Libsyn Page.

Shut The WOOF Up is a new podcast that is all about puppy play and the community and activities that it encompasses. The host Volka was kind enough to join us for an episode so that we could ask him all the questions we’ve had for ages about puppy play.

First things first, Volka has a sound effects board. I am sorry I failed to control Bakji, he is far less pliable and a lot more defiant when fully clothed. You will hear a lot of sound effects, and I mean a lot. The good news is, we haven’t got a sound board. The bad news is, Bakji wants one. So watch this space.

Anyway, back to puppy play. Once you start bimbling around the kink community you start to comes across a variety of pet play, ponies, kittens and puppies are probably the most popular and puppy play is a community alongside but also separate from the kink community. There are pup munches, pup events and pup websites to help you meet other like minded pups and/or handlers.

Volka was extremely open, and wonderful about answering all our questions. Which means we were able to talk about exactly what being a pup might entail. Is it sexual? Is it platonic? Are there lady pups? What the devil do you do if you go to a pup event?

We also ask Volka all about his podcast, all about his personal dynamics, because we’re nosy like that and generally we had a blast and if you think puppy play might be for you, then you need this episode. If you don’t think it’s for you I’m pretty sure you will still find much hilarity within this conversation.

Links discussed during the show are as follows:

Shut The WOOF Up

Puppy Pride

RubberDawg Custom Hoods

As we always say because it is 100% true, please get in touch, we love hearing from you, whether it’s feedback, questions, or just something daft. You can find us and reach out to us on any of the following:

Twitter/proudtobekinky

Instagram/proudtobekinky

Fetlife/proudtobekinky

Facebook/proudtobekinky

You can also swing by our Patreon site where you can hear more from us in our episodes of FemDom and Fetish Fun, our spin-off podcast all about our kinky scenes that we enjoy together.

If you’re lookingg for new podcasts to enjoy you can listen to our fellow Podcast Jukebox Network shows, Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God and the Will Sean podcast. We will have new shows joining us soon too. We all love reviews and 5 star ratings, if you haven’t done that yet but would like to do so, then thank you in advance.

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Munches and Fetish Clubs

As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.

Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.

Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.

While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.

When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:

  • What will everyone be like?

Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.

  • Will they all be weirdos?

Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.

  • Will I fit in?

More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.

  • Am I kinky enough?

YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.

  • Am I too kinky?

NO! There is no such thing.

  • Do I need to know what I’m into?

Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.

  • What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?

You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.

  • What if it’s boring?

Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.

  • What if it’s not for me?

It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?

You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.

Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership

Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.

Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.

Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.

I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.

In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.

Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.

My top tips for Fetish events would be:

  • Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
  • If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
  • Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
  • Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
  • Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
  • Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.

You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.

I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.

I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.

There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.

What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.

If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.


This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on February 12th and is titled ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

There Aren’t That Many Good BDSM Podcasts

When we finally released #ProudToBeKinky to the public it had been over a year since I’d started discussing it with Bakji, and even longer since he had envisioned the initial idea. By the time anyone heard our first episode we’d already put a ton of work into it to make it as good as it could be, for our abilities at that moment in time.

A year later and we’ve learnt a lot about both podcasting, and ourselves. The episodes we are putting out now are of course better than they were in the beginning, our passion and our desire to make a great podcast though has remained the same, we have both always been determined to make #ProudToBeKinky the very best it can be.

The reason we do that is because we feel, rightly or wrongly that we have something to share with those people who listen to us. It’s the same reason I write, the same reason people make movies or TV shows, we have thoughts and ideas that we feel might entertain, inform or support other people. 

I think at some point every person hosting a BDSM podcast has heard something akin to the following, ‘I love your podcast, it’s the best BDSM podcast, there really aren’t many other good ones’. Now don’t get me wrong, when someone says they like us best, that is awesome, I love being in that top spot for people. It makes all the effort and sacrifice we put into making #ProudToBeKinky worthwhile, knowing that people are enjoying it and getting something out of it. However, for me there’s another side to that statement that makes me feel less awesome, and that is knowing and listening to a lot of other BDSM podcasts.

We all have our preferred approach to things, some of us will enjoy a more serious approach to kink, some of us will want to hear about high protocol, other will be keen to hear about switching, some of us love guest episode and other will prefer hearing the hosts only. Just because a show isn’t a good fit for you, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a good show for someone else.

We all, myself included consume podcasts for free. Unless you are kind enough to contribute via a Patreon page or similar, as some of our listeners are. Even then though, your access to the content is not tied in with that contribution, at any moment you can stop supporting your chosen podcast and still enjoy the show. That podcast though, for the people who create is not free, in terms of both money, time and personal sacrifices.

When someone is telling me that another BDSM podcast isn’t that good all I can think about is the time and effort they put into making their show. How much they love it, how much they want their listeners to enjoy it, how excited they are when they get good feedback. I know they aren’t personally hearing the negative things I am, but my heart always sinks for them a little bit, because I know just how much of ourselves we plough into the world of podcasting.

For myself and Bakji podcasting features in our lives every single day. Between planning future episodes, finding future guests, editing recordings, promoting episodes on social media, planning and creating Patreon content and generally thinking of ideas to make the podcasts even better, there is always something for us to do and something for us to discuss. Whether we are in the mood or not, there are days where we just have to plough through and get certain tasks done. That will often include recording with guests at peculiar times, including early hours of the morning, or recording with each other instead of doing something that might be a little bit more intimate.

I’m not saying we should have our favourites, or that we shouldn’t stop listening if we’re not feeling a show and I’m well aware that sometimes there are issues that make a podcast hard to enjoy. I’ve personally stopped listening to podcasts for a variety of reasons, but I’d still give those podcasts a massive high-five for even attempting what is actually a mammoth task. Starting and maintaining a podcast becomes a way of life, it might begin as a hobby, but for most of us I think it becomes so much more.

BDSM is a wide and varied topic, many of us have our first experiences in a wild haze of sub-frenzy often learning some hard lessons along the way. The beauty of podcasts is that those of us who are so inclined to can share our experiences and hopefully people can use that as information to find their own way with their own kinks and fetishes. I think the variety of BDSM allows for a wide range of voices to weigh in with their take on things, provided of course they do so in a responsible manner.

That is why I try my very best to listen to and recommend other Kink podcasts. Even the ones that aren’t my favourites, so long as I’ve listened to them and know they aren’t providng dangerous or questionable advice, because I know that for someone they might be the podcast of choice.

If you’re waiting for me to get to my point, here it is, podcaster’s are awesome and we need love, okay that wasn’t my intended point, but I think it is valid. With that in mind I’m going to ask you a huge favour, if you’ve got a favourite podcast whether it’s kinky or not, whether it’s mine (it so should be) or not, please show them some love. Leave them a review (if your podcast app allows it) if you haven’t already and never hesitate to reach out to them and support them, whether that’s with an email, a retweet or by supporting their Patreon where possible.

To show that I don’t ask for things that I’m not willing to do myself, here are some of my favourite kink, sex or polyamory podcasts. In no particular order though, I am not telling you who my numer one is.

Off The Cuffs

Loving BDSM

Black People Kink

The Dildorks

Take Back Your Sex

Polyamory Weekly

Multiamory

Life on the Swingset

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#BiWeek – My Thoughts on Being Bisexual

I wrote a fairly lengthy post (Coming Out – The Sexuality Version) about how I realised I was bisexual and how it took me some time to come to terms with using that particular label. However, I always knew I was bisexual, not informing everyone I met and not correcting people’s assumptions about my sexuality didn’t change the fact that I was, am and always have been bisexual.

While I didn’t always feel comfortable with the bisexual label, I was always quite comfortable with knowing I was attracted to people regardless of their gender. Other people however were never quite as accepting. So in light of it being bisexual awareness week, I’m going to discuss some of the ways in which my bisexuality has not been accepted by others.

As I mentioned in my previous post on this subject, when I was at school it was common knowledge I fancied girls. I went to an all girls school, my interaction with boys was limited and my interest in them was certainly less notable. These things combined led to me being dubbed ‘that lesbian girl’. While I knew it wasn’t true, it didn’t overly bother me. Mostly because being a lesbian didn’t seem like an awful thing to be called, inaccurate, but not awful. People knowing this about me did however make me some new friends.

On a school trip I was randomly sat next to a girl I’d never really spoken to before, except very briefly in a shared science class. During our journey she started to tell me about her boyfriend, as we talked more and more, I realised she was looking for advice on whether or not she fancied him. Further conversation had me realising she was telling me she thought she was a lesbian. Fast-forward a few years and we have been friends all that time, and she was indeed a lesbian. Good for her I say, it made her much happier to discover and accept that about herself.

Now I had told this friend once we were closer that I did in fact identify as liking both men and women, she never really seemed bothered but also never asked any questions. So when I met my ex-husband and she came to our house to meet him I was horrified to discover her open hostility towards him. He left us to catch up, and she wasted no time in asking what I was thinking. How could I be so naive in thinking I could have a successful relationship with a man when I was clearly a lesbian.

I was mortified. I explained that I had told her long ago I was into guys and girls. She basically told me that was ridiculous and I was either into one or the other. Telling me I was clearly doing the straight thing to be normal. To say I was insulted is an understatement. I loved my ex-husband dearly, still do in a non-romantic way. To have someone say I would use him, just to be ‘normal’ was horrible. Mostly because I didn’t view being gay as ‘abnormal’ which she clearly did. She clearly saw herself and her lifestyle as less valid than if she were straight. That made me sad.

That conversation ended our friendship, she could not and would not accept my being in a relationship with a man, and she could not and would accept that bisexual people existed and that our sexuality was part of the wider LGBT (as it was then) community. Sadly she was not the only person to feel this way.

A family member who had always appeared to support by bisexuality, also eventually showed a huge lack of understanding. When I broke up with my ex-husband she said she always knew it would happen, because I couldn’t live a life without women, because deep down I was a lesbian. Yes the general feeling is always that I am definitely a lesbian. No-one has ever accused me of secretly being straight. Ever.

When I explained to her that my feeling towards women had no bearing on my decision to leave my relationship, her first question was ‘so you won’t be dating a woman ever again then’, my answer as a bisexual person was ‘well obviously I might do’ and she sort of did the whole ‘well that proves my point then.’ Um, actually it doesn’t prove anything, except that I AM BISEXUAL!

When I briefly ‘dated’ (it wasn’t really dating, it was just a hot mess of a dalliance) a woman after my separation, she seemed to be overjoyed that I had found my true self again. When that interaction ended and the next person I began to date was Bakji her response was ‘oh another man?’. Yes, shock horror, I am dating a man! Even though we have now been together for over two years, her attitude towards my choice of partner has driven a huge wedge between us.

Since joining the kink scene I’ve had less judgement on being bisexual, but the judgement I have had has been different. ‘Oh you’re bisexual? I’m pansexual because I don’t believe there are just two gender to be attracted to.’ That quote is pretty much word for word what has been said to me on more than once occasion. It wouldn’t be so bad but it has always been said with an air of haughty judgement.

As it happens, since joining the kink scene I’ve learnt a lot about both gender and sexuality. I am well aware that I come into contact with people whose gender reality is different to my own and I don’t question people as to whether or not they are cisgendered before I decide whether or not to fancy them. I certainly don’t know everything and I’m sure I’ve still got an awful lot to learn about these matters, but my being bisexual isn’t a reflection on other people’s genders.

What it is a reflection on is me. Saying I’m bisexual is saying that I’m no longer going to let people make assumptions so they can put me in the box they want me in. It’s me saying that when I was finally ready to fully claim my label for my sexuality pansexual and queer weren’t really being used as widely or in the same way they are now, so I went for the label that best suited me.

Unfortunately I also have to deal with the section of people who see me as a viable option for their three-way desires, because of the universal truth that all bisexual woman love threesomes. Oh hang on a minute, that isn’t true. Which is probably why I decline all the threesomes I’m offered by strangers. I’m making the distinction of ‘by strangers’, because I absolutely have friends I would threeway with and I don’t want to ruin my chances if they read this!

It seems that even in this modern age, where we are thankfully moving forward with our attitudes, for the most part, bisexuality is still somewhat misunderstood and definitely not accepted as valid by a wide range of people. I know that bisexual men have an even harder time being accepted as bisexual and it seems that a lot of women would not feel comfortable with a bisexual male partner.

Our being bisexual does not make us more promiscuous or more likely to cheat on our partner. Although I don’t see the promiscuity as a problem if it’s being explored with consensual partners. I was in a monogamous relationship for 10 years with a man and in all that time I was still bisexual, but somehow, someway I managed not to fuck every girl I saw. My immoral bisexual urges were kept under control. Maybe because being bisexual doesn’t mean we fancy everyone we meet and render us slaves to our sexual urges so that we just can’t stop fucking. Again though, not entirely sure that’s a huge problem!

My point is that we come in all kinds of shapes and sizes, we have high libidos and low, some of us are kinky, some of us aren’t. Funnily enough we come with as many differences between us as straight people do, or gay people, or people who identify as any other sexuality. It’s almost as if we are all human beings. Imagine that. We are essentially all the same but with beautiful difference, so that life isn’t dull and monotonous.

We aren’t this strange breed of sub-human, we aren’t confused, we aren’t waiting to pick a side, we aren’t dirty (okay some of us are, but in the hot, sexy way), you can’t catch the gay or the straight from us. Yes that is something I have heard said! We are just people, regular people who for whatever reason have the brain wiring to be attracted to more than one gender. No idea why we are that way, like I have no idea why I’m kinky. I just am and I don’t really care for why.

IMG_4890.JPGSome people like me, are bisexual in terms of sexual activity and romantic activity. Some people are just bisexual in terms of their sexual activity and I guess some people enjoy romantic relationships with the same gender but not sexual, though that seems less common. Some bisexual people with have a fairly even balance of same gender, and different gender relationships under their belt, other bisexual people might yet to have a same-sex experience, whatever your experience level being bisexual is still a valid sexuality.

This next one is hard for people to understand, but some people are bisexual and don’t enjoy certain sexual activities. That’s right some bisexual men don’t like receiving anal sex, and some bisexual girls don’t like giving oral, and some bisexual nonbinary people might love all the sexual things and a bunch of other people who identify in a bunch of other ways will like and dislike all manner of different things and if they identify as bisexual that is valid. Our sexuality isn’t actually defined by the sex acts we will or won’t engage in! It’s defined by how we feel and what feels right for us. I realise that sentence will seem alien to some people and I’m sure people will disagree with me. The truth of the matter is though, if a someone fancies me and they identify as bisexual but decline to down on me, I won’t demand they do so or be revealed as a fraudulent bisexual.

I feel like every single person who identifies somewhere with the LGBTQIA spectrum deserves as much acceptance, support, love and understanding as any of the others. Yes some people will have it harder, some people will face more prejudice than others, but I don’t think that makes those of us whose struggles may be smaller any less part of the community.