Tag: Community

Blogs, Community, Self Reflection, Smut Marathon, Writing, Writing Prompt

[Smut Marathon] Round 1 The Results

The writers of each of the 75 metaphors entered for the first round of Smut Marathon have been revealed. The results of the voting have also been announced, which means we know now who got the coveted first place and where we ranked personally.

For those who are curious, but haven’t read the results yet, my submission is below. I originally penned the title as ‘Melt’ but opted to change it in light of there being another piece with that title. Not that the title remotely reflects, how well it did or didn’t do.

Continue reading “[Smut Marathon] Round 1 The Results” →

Alternative Lifestyles, BDSM, Communication, Community, D/s, Emotional Well-being, Fetish, Friendship, Kink, Limits, Self Reflection, Submission, Switchy Girl's Guide, Topping

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO
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FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO” →

#SoSS, Blogs, Community, Fetish, Friendship, Kink, Nonmonogamy, Polyamory, Relationships, Self Expression, Sex, Smut Marathon, Social Media, Writing, Writing Prompt

[#SoSS] Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)
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I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

Continue reading “[#SoSS] Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)” →

#ProudToBeKinky, Alternative Lifestyles, BDSM, Community, Fetish, Fetish Clubs, Friendship, Kink, Life, Relationships, Switchy Girl's Guide

[Kink] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Munches and Fetish Clubs
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As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.

Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.

Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.

While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.

When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:

  • What will everyone be like?

Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.

  • Will they all be weirdos?

Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.

  • Will I fit in?

More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.

  • Am I kinky enough?

YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.

  • Am I too kinky?

NO! There is no such thing.

  • Do I need to know what I’m into?

Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.

  • What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?

You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.

  • What if it’s boring?

Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.

  • What if it’s not for me?

It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?

You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.

Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership

Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.

Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.

Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.

I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.

In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.

Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.

My top tips for Fetish events would be:

  • Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
  • If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
  • Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
  • Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
  • Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
  • Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.

You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.

I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.

I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.

There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.

What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.

If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.

This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

#ProudToBeKinky, BDSM, Community, Fetish, Kink, Podcasts, Self Expression, Social Media

There Aren’t That Many Good BDSM Podcasts
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When we finally released #ProudToBeKinky to the public it had been over a year since I’d started discussing it with Bakji, and even longer since he had envisioned the initial idea. By the time anyone heard our first episode we’d already put a ton of work into it to make it as good as it could be, for our abilities at that moment in time.

A year later and we’ve learnt a lot about both podcasting, and ourselves. The episodes we are putting out now are of course better than they were in the beginning, our passion and our desire to make a great podcast though has remained the same, we have both always been determined to make #ProudToBeKinky the very best it can be.

The reason we do that is because we feel, rightly or wrongly that we have something to share with those people who listen to us. It’s the same reason I write, the same reason people make movies or TV shows, we have thoughts and ideas that we feel might entertain, inform or support other people. 

I think at some point every person hosting a BDSM podcast has heard something akin to the following, ‘I love your podcast, it’s the best BDSM podcast, there really aren’t many other good ones’. Now don’t get me wrong, when someone says they like us best, that is awesome, I love being in that top spot for people. It makes all the effort and sacrifice we put into making #ProudToBeKinky worthwhile, knowing that people are enjoying it and getting something out of it. However, for me there’s another side to that statement that makes me feel less awesome, and that is knowing and listening to a lot of other BDSM podcasts.

We all have our preferred approach to things, some of us will enjoy a more serious approach to kink, some of us will want to hear about high protocol, other will be keen to hear about switching, some of us love guest episode and other will prefer hearing the hosts only. Just because a show isn’t a good fit for you, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a good show for someone else.

We all, myself included consume podcasts for free. Unless you are kind enough to contribute via a Patreon page or similar, as some of our listeners are. Even then though, your access to the content is not tied in with that contribution, at any moment you can stop supporting your chosen podcast and still enjoy the show. That podcast though, for the people who create is not free, in terms of both money, time and personal sacrifices.

When someone is telling me that another BDSM podcast isn’t that good all I can think about is the time and effort they put into making their show. How much they love it, how much they want their listeners to enjoy it, how excited they are when they get good feedback. I know they aren’t personally hearing the negative things I am, but my heart always sinks for them a little bit, because I know just how much of ourselves we plough into the world of podcasting.

For myself and Bakji podcasting features in our lives every single day. Between planning future episodes, finding future guests, editing recordings, promoting episodes on social media, planning and creating Patreon content and generally thinking of ideas to make the podcasts even better, there is always something for us to do and something for us to discuss. Whether we are in the mood or not, there are days where we just have to plough through and get certain tasks done. That will often include recording with guests at peculiar times, including early hours of the morning, or recording with each other instead of doing something that might be a little bit more intimate.

I’m not saying we should have our favourites, or that we shouldn’t stop listening if we’re not feeling a show and I’m well aware that sometimes there are issues that make a podcast hard to enjoy. I’ve personally stopped listening to podcasts for a variety of reasons, but I’d still give those podcasts a massive high-five for even attempting what is actually a mammoth task. Starting and maintaining a podcast becomes a way of life, it might begin as a hobby, but for most of us I think it becomes so much more.

BDSM is a wide and varied topic, many of us have our first experiences in a wild haze of sub-frenzy often learning some hard lessons along the way. The beauty of podcasts is that those of us who are so inclined to can share our experiences and hopefully people can use that as information to find their own way with their own kinks and fetishes. I think the variety of BDSM allows for a wide range of voices to weigh in with their take on things, provided of course they do so in a responsible manner.

That is why I try my very best to listen to and recommend other Kink podcasts. Even the ones that aren’t my favourites, so long as I’ve listened to them and know they aren’t providng dangerous or questionable advice, because I know that for someone they might be the podcast of choice.

If you’re waiting for me to get to my point, here it is, podcaster’s are awesome and we need love, okay that wasn’t my intended point, but I think it is valid. With that in mind I’m going to ask you a huge favour, if you’ve got a favourite podcast whether it’s kinky or not, whether it’s mine (it so should be) or not, please show them some love. Leave them a review (if your podcast app allows it) if you haven’t already and never hesitate to reach out to them and support them, whether that’s with an email, a retweet or by supporting their Patreon where possible.

To show that I don’t ask for things that I’m not willing to do myself, here are some of my favourite kink, sex or polyamory podcasts. In no particular order though, I am not telling you who my numer one is.

Off The Cuffs

Loving BDSM

Black People Kink

The Dildorks

Polyamory Weekly

Multiamory

Life on the Swingset

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Community, Self Expression, Sexuality

[Sexuality] My Thoughts on Being Bisexual
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I wrote a fairly lengthy post, Coming Out – The Sexuality Version, about how I realised I was bisexual and how it took me some time to come to terms with using that particular label. However, I always knew I was bisexual, not informing everyone I met and not correcting people’s assumptions about my sexuality didn’t change the fact that I was, am and always have been bisexual.

While I didn’t always feel comfortable with the bisexual label, I was always quite comfortable with knowing I was attracted to people regardless of their gender. Other people however were never quite as accepting. So in light of it being bisexual awareness week, I’m going to discuss some of the ways in which my bisexuality has not been accepted by others.

Continue reading “[Sexuality] My Thoughts on Being Bisexual” →

30 Days of D/s, BDSM, Communication, Community, D/s, Friendship, Kink, Submission

Have You Heard of Subfrenzy?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.

Have I ever heard of subfrenzy? Oh yeah! Unfortunately I heard about it far too late. I heard about once I’d been there, done that and wondered what the fuck had caused me to behave so recklessly.

I am not 100% comfortable sharing the full story of how I came to discover I was kinky and then how I started exploring my kinks. The reasons being that the ‘discovery’ involves a failed pregnancy that was extremely traumatic and life altering in it’s nature, and the ‘exploration’ involves very dubious, reckless and to my mind shameful decisions with the wrong people.

However there are some elements I am able to discuss, and I think frenzy was partly responsible for my actions. After leaving my marriage, my first two kinky partners were not the right partners for me. I was in a bad head space during both these interactions, and all I could see was a chance to be kinky. I took that chance, regardless of what it took to achieve that.

What it took was taking huge chances with my personal safety, massive dents to my view of my personal worth and huge deviations in who I was as a person. I was lucky that I didn’t end up in dangerous situations. They were certainly not ideal situations, but given the fact that at time no one knew where I was, who I was with or what I was doing, things could have ended much differently.

This is one of the reasons I champion munches, events and finding a solid group of friends. In part because you will hopefully meet people who have some social proof to their decency as both a person and as a kinkster, and also because it gives you people to confide in. In my third instance of frenzy, which actually doesn’t go in the disastrous pile, just the over eager pile, I had those much-needed friends to turn to. The difference it made was immeasurable.

For me frenzy is truly awful. It might sound dramatic, and I’m okay with that. If even one person reads this and thinks ‘fuck, I think I have this’ then I am okay with everyone else thinking I’m a drama Queen.

When I was in the midst of frenzy I did the following things:

  • Played with someone I had only spoken to online and on the phone, whom I had never met in a neutral place, and who, I had never even seen a photo of.
  • Met up with people without telling a single living soul where I would be, not even a vague location. At times I said I was in one place when I was in fact in another.
  • Played with inexperienced Sadists, as an inexperienced masochist. Which left me with marks I was unable to handle when deep in subdrop (more on this in another post)
  • Let people declare my kinks were due to people’s mistreatment of me, they weren’t, but that was a nice story for people who wanted to ‘save me’.
  • Got involved with a narcissist, which was much easier to do with my eagerness to play blinding me to glaring personality faults.
  • Lied more than I’ve ever lied before because I’d got involved with people who would be angry by the truth.
  • I didn’t advocate for myself.
  • I didn’t learn my own limits.
  • I didn’t value my own safety.
  • I didn’t value myself, at all, for a very long time. Frenzy made this a very dangerous view to hold, because it made me even more reckless.

A lot of why looking back on my frenzy stage is hard for me is due to me being a Mother. To clarify my child was always, always safe and never, ever in the vicinity of any BDSM activities. However, to be reckless with your own safety as a Mother is to me a pretty awful thing. This is one of the regrets I am still working on getting over, but I must admit it is a hard one to shake.

Frenzy made my brain falter in a really unpleasant way. I have in the past had both depression and anxiety, both separately and together. While I was to my knowledge not suffering from either at my time of starting to explore kink, I think the fact that my mental health can sometimes be a hurdle for me possibly made me more susceptible to effects of frenzy.

Reaching people and educating them on this subject before they experience it, is I think a really tricky thing to do. Unfortunately there are people within the kink community who will prey and actively seek out newbies to play with, because they have less understanding of certain things and are therefore more pliable and easier to bend to one’s own will. Denying these people exist would be extremely negligent, there are however awesome people in this community who will recognise frenzy and possibly be able to support and guide someone through it safely.

You can’t meet those awesome people if you don’t join the community though. So please, please, please, whoever you are, but especially if you are a female identifying submissive, sorry to say it but I do think we need to be more careful, for a variety of reasons, do not play with the first person who offers. Get to your local munch, meet friends, and try to resist that nagging urge to play immediately.

I’d love to see more new submissives befriended by more experienced submissives, or switches who’ve been down the submissive rabbit hole. In a manner that leads to shared knowledge of these kinds of things. Yes, Dominants and Tops can educate on these things, but I think hearing it from someone who has been there makes it a lot easier to identify with.

Some of the things that are regularly recommended across a variety of resources to help deal with frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive and/or kinkster. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant/partner who does not respect your ability to do this is not a person worth interacting with.
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself  in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

My door, well my internet door at least, is always open. If anyone stumbles across this and is struggling with frenzy, or anything else for that matter, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch. Whether you’re a regular reader or you’ve only read this one post. I am happy to answer questions, have discussions or just offer friendly words of support.

BDSM, Community, D/s, Fetish, Friendship, Kink, Relationships, Social Media, Twitter

The Role of Protector in the Kink Community

The lovely @PixieHeartblog on Twitter, posed a really good question this week, asking for other people’s views on protectors in D/s and BDSM. I really wanted to respond, but soon realised it would be far too many tweets to convey every thought I have. Instead you are getting a whole blog post on the subject.

When I first joined Fetlife and the kink community I listed my role as submissive, which I’ve since realised isn’t a good fit for me, but at the time with my limited knowledge of BDSM I thought it was accurate. What happened upon making that my role was an influx of messages from would be ‘Doms’ all trying to claim the submissive newbie.

I hated those messages with a passion, I still do. I had offers from friends I’d made on the scene to cite them as protector, a recommendation that came with the knowledge that it often makes the douchebag Doms back off a little bit. As well-intentioned as these offers were, they just added fuel to my rage.

I am a grown woman, I am capable of deciding whether or not I want to interact with you. I should not need a ‘protector’ to help me ward of predatory behavior of so-called ‘Dominants’ who are actually just looking to take advantage of people. I eventually removed my role entirely from Fetlife, and guess what? The message stopped. So clearly these messages were coming from men who saw the role of submissive as easy prey, which is beyond insulting to every submissive out their.

I understand that for some people having a protector might feel like a bit of a safety net, some security in a new environment while they navigate their way around. Unfortunately I don’t see the role of protector as a very positive thing. More often than not I see those protector roles on Fetlife move from ‘protector of ..’ to ‘Dominant of ..’, so was the submissive being protected and guided or were they being profiled as a potential play partner?

I often wonder if instead of ‘protector’ the kink community at large would benefit from more of a buddy system. Where kinkster’s of all orientations can befriend new kinksters and help them feel at home within the community, and know that they have a safe space to ask questions and share thoughts, experiences and potential plans with.

I feel like this should almost be a bit of a non issue, because in an ideal world we’d all be looking out for each other in this manner anyway. I do however appreciate that the kink community is not perfect and that means we often have to approach things in a way that reflects that. I don’t think the current approach of many ‘protectors’ is the best solution though, at least it doesn’t seem to be.

As we have seen recently with the many writings on Fetlife regarding consent violations within the rope community, some people are all too willing to use their status whether it’s as a rigger, community leader or simply as an established kinkster to prey on people who do not have enough information or experience at their disposal to realise something is not right. When some of the people in those kinds of roles also show themselves to be untrustworthy and predatory, but also as the ones persistently coming forward as ‘protectors’ it all becomes extremely worrying.

As an aside I am not for one minute saying we should profile all community leaders and big name riggers/kinksters as untrustworthy predators. Many of the people in these roles do amazing things for their local community and the community at large. Those that do so though tend to do so without a bunch of red flags sticking from their back pocket. They are also likely to recommend and champion other people within the community. The unsavory characters are more likely to try to make themselves the sole focus of someone’s attention.

I would happily be a friend/mentor/guide for new people on the scene, however I think the desire many people have to experience things as someone new to the scene will often mean they will gravitate towards the less appropriate people purely because they may have skills to offer, even if that later comes at a price. Again I’m not saying everyone with skills is dodgy, I do think however that sometimes we can focus so much on what someone is good at we can lose focus of the errors they might be making.

I think the best thing we can do is to keep resources circulating, and educate as many new kinksters as we can about negotiations, consent and safe play practices. This is part of what we try to do with #ProudToBeKinky. We are trying to arm listeners with information that will hopefully help them navigate the kink scene, with more information that they might have had going in blind, so to speak.

I also think a little honesty in our intentions towards people would help too. If someone approached me asking me  to be a protector/mentor or similar and I fancied the pants off them, I couldn’t in good faith offer to mentor them without being honest about my feelings towards them. I realise this is possibly what sets the genuine people apart from the not so genuine. Maybe if more people were just upfront about what they want from the community in general that would be a good starting point.

I personally don’t have a problem with people being honest and saying they joined the community to find people to fuck. I don’t even have a problem with people learning kink skills so that they more appealing to potential partners. Hell, that’s why I learnt rope. I wanted another tool to be able to seduce Bakji more effectively. What I do have a problem with is underhand tactics to get your end away, and unfortunately the role of protector seems to have become one of those tactics.

It’s also a real shame for those people who are filling the role of protector well and actually benefitting people by being that for them when they join the community. As always the few spoil it for the many. Thankfully I don’t believe they ruin it completely though, I do still believe that the kink community is a wonderful place to be and you truly can make the most wonderful friends here.

There is power in giving our friends and partners a safe space to voice their thoughts, whether they are concerns, insecurities or intentions to play. I think so long as the majority of us are looking after each other and sharing our experiences and our resources then the need for protectors might wane and the ‘protectors’ who are dubious characters will hopefully lose their footing.

 

Friendship, Self Reflection

Friendship – Am I Doing It Right?

I’ve written quite a few blog posts about the friendships I’ve formed since I joined the kink scene, and the last few days I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot.

I don’t require much from my friends, the only main prerequisite for being my friend is that I like you. It’s really that simple. You don’t have to be able to do anything for me, or give me a certain amount of attention per week. I have a friend who I don’t speak to for months at a time, but if he knocked on my door right now, I’d absolutely welcome him in, no questions asked.  

I don’t ask my friends to fight my battles for me or agree with me on everything. I am more than happy to agree to disagree on certain subjects. I don’t expect you to like the people I like, or dislike someone just because I do. Even Bakji, who is a very special friend indeed, you know the sexy romantic kind of friend, I don’t even expect him to keep the same company as me, or ditch people if I don’t personally like them as much as him.

You don’t need to message* me all the time, or invite me to everything you do to be my friend. All I ask is that we enjoy each other’s company when we have it. Whether we are meeting for coffee or going to a kink event. *Hilariously spell check wanted me to change this to massage, for the record I don’t requires massages for friendship either. 

I am not always a present friend. Before I get to be any other part of myself the thing I have to be first is a mum. My instinct is to keep my mothering very separate from everything else, so I won’t insist on my friends joining me and my small human on our many adventures. If however you are my friend, and you have a burning desire to come on our adventures you are very welcome.

This blog and the podcast also take up a huge amount of my time. It is quite honestly a full-time job. Between finding guests, social media endeavours, blog posts and recording, there isn’t actually a lot of time left in the week. Add to that the fact I have other writing projects I’d like to complete one day, and there is even less time left.

Then there’s Bakji, the person who get first dibs on my spare time, and I have no desire to change that. I enjoy my time with him immensely and it’s important to me that we keep our kinky fun alive, sometimes when all the podcasting is done, there’s only enough energy for cuddles. We have to work to make our kink happen sometimes, we don’t live together, the time we can spend together in a week is limited, so I think it makes sense that I’m keen to get sexy with him when the chance arises.

I also have a regular job, and a dad, and non-kink friends. I’ve had days where I’ve had plans and I’ve had to give them all up to go and do an unexpected school run due to illness.

Even when I’m doing all these things though I am always at the end of the phone. My whatsapp is always open. I’m happy to give opinions, listen to problems, hear exciting news, talk about the weather. Honestly whatever pops into my messages I will look at and I will answer.

I know that friendships change and evolve, we become better friends with some people, but other people not so much. Some friends become better over time, other people we grow apart from. This has never really struck me as a terrible thing, it’s just life. Have some friends left my life that I’d still like to hear from occasionally? Of course, but I don’t judge them or myself for their absence, it’s just one of those things.

In these days of social media we can follow a lot of our friends on a variety of platforms, nearly all my kinky friends are connected my one medium or another. I’ve had friends that were romantically involved no longer be so, where I’ve been closer to one than the other, I’ve never unfollowed a person on that basis though. I’m still happy to cheer them on and wish them well in life and social media is often a nice way to do that. Especially when so many of my friends are doing rope, seeing their rope journeys unfold is fascinating.

Part of my reflection this week though is whether or not I’ve got this whole friendship thing wrong, maybe I don’t put in enough effort, maybe I’m to carefree about what it means to be a friend. All because someone I knew I wasn’t that close to anymore saw fit to unfollow me and unfriend me on every common social media platform we have. It’s a not even a block, or a case of account deactivation. So I can still follow her should I want to, but she has no desire to see anything I’m saying or doing. It feels like a very passive aggressive way of ended a friendship, I would rather have had a frank conversation where I was called out for being a total bitch, if that’s the case.

Now I’m left wondering, ‘do I still click the love button on her posts’, or have I not done that enough? Was my friendship contingent on social media likes?

I feel like this shouldn’t matter, that I shouldn’t care. I think the reason it bothers me though is that the only real life friends or even acquaintances that I unfollow or unfriend on social media are ones that have a negative effect on me. So I’m left wondering did my presence in her life have a negative effect on her? If this was the case I would have liked my right to reply, so to speak, and been allowed to change any situation that I caused that made her deem me unsuitable friend material.

I don’t really censor myself here on my blog, and if you listen to the podcast you get a pretty accurate portrayal of who I am and now and again I’ll do a post like this that is quite hard, this issue is upsetting for me, I am sad that for reasons unknown I clearly made someone feel shit. So I’d love some feedback.

  • What is important to you in friendships?
  • What do your friends need to do to make you feel valued?

Maybe if I can gain a greater sense of what people are looking for in a friendship, I can understand where I went wrong.

Friendship, Shibari

Rope, Friendship & the Joy of New Things

Recently on the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast I had a chat with MasterMHatter and CheshireCat_MMH who kindly came onto the pod to tell us about Shibari in a little more depth than what we have previously gone into in prior episodes. Which got me thinking about the journey I’ve taken since the very first time Cheshire tied me at one of our local events in April 2015.

Before I met Cheshire and soon after MasterMHatter, I knew vaguely that rope bondage was a thing, but hadn’t really considered getting into it myself. What I did want though was new friends, and from the moment I met Cheshire she was sweet and friendly and when she mentioned I should go along to the next peer rope group, it sounded like the perfect place to mingle with like minded kinky folk.

What happened when I went to the peer rope group a few weeks later changed my life, in so many ways. That day I did my first suspension with MasterMHatter and it absolutely blew my mind. Now just to clarify this isn’t always how it goes down for new people, but between chats we had on messenger prior to the rope group and the chemistry between us once I was in MasterMHatter’s rope, suspended was were I ended up and I loved every minute of it. The best way I can describe that first suspension is imagining it would be like going for a ride in a sports car, halfway through feeling like I was on a rollercoaster, then coming down and realising it was more like going into space on a rocket.

That first suspension led to many happy afternoons doing rope with MasterMHatter. Not only did we build a lovely connection as Rigger and bunny, but those times we spent together built a wonderful friendship too, which still remains even though I am on a bunnying hiatus.

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One of my favourite suspension pictures. Bunny: Me Rigging & Photo: MasterMHatter

While it was the adrenaline rush of that first suspension that drew me in, the reasons I continued to enjoy being a bunny did evolve over time. I found that the masochist in me enjoys the Sadism MasterMHatter brings to his ropework. The feeling of the rope biting against my flesh, gnawing at me achingly as it bound me in position was something I always looked forard to in rope sessions. I enjoyed the challenging ties to which  my initial response would be ‘No way. I can’t do that’ then revelling in the feeling of achievement when I not only did it, but enjoyed it.

I’ve read a lot of accounts by other people about what they love about rope, or how rope makes them feel, and I’ve always felt a bit frustrated that I’ve never been able to convey my ‘why I do rope’ thoughts as eloquently as I’d like to. Eventually I realised I was missing the point entirely, because even though there things I enjoy about rope specifically, the thing I love most about rope is the people. The beautiful, wonderful friends I’ve made through the common interest of rope. Friendships that now far surpass that one shared interest, and have roots somewhere much deeper.

I love that rope gave Bakji an opening line to start talking to me, was I ever going to turn down an afternoon of rope with his gorgeous face, not likely. That first afternoon of rope together, led to so much more than I could ever have imagined. The absolute unadulterated joy he brings to my life is something I will always be thankful for. Whether it’s floorwork or suspensions, I adore the sensuality of the rope we do together when I’m his bunny. Our rope sessions allowed him to explore what I enjoyed as a sub, and now it’s safe to say he knows exactly what actions are going to cause me to melt into a big subby puddle, and he certainly doesn’t need rope for that these days.

Then as time moved on rope become my tool for Topping. As I learnt how to do things like a TK and hip harness, focusing predominantly on rope, not on Topping, Bakji’s exceptionally sexy and ever so naughty subby side was able to bring my Toppy side into focus without the pressure of me being the dominant one being the main aim. When I do have Bakji in my rope though, again it’s really not the rope I love. It’s his responses and his enjoyment, it’s the his playful rebellion until that moment he sinks into full submission, an effect I can now achieve with other mediums, not just rope.

However, rope is where it all started. Rope has given me so much; friendship, love, affection, kink, sex, confidence, laughter and an array of new experiences.

I often hear people saying rope isn’t for them, which if you’ve got a lot of experience under your belt and you’ve tried it then fair enough. If you’re new to the scene though, open to new things and have a local rope scene I urge you to go along. Yes it may turn out that rope isn’t your favourite thing to do, but it might still be something you enjoy doing and who knows you might just be as lucky as me and meet a whole host of wonderful people along the way.