Tag: Communication

[Kink] Communication: It’s Good For Ewe

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Apologies for the terrible pun of title, but I couldn’t resist when I decided to use this photo off Pixabay for my featured image. 

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One of the most recurring topics of conversation about how to do kink ‘right’ is about communication. What kinks people have and how they enjoy them is 100% down to their personal preferences, provided of course that they are engaging in them with other consenting adults. For many of us though good communication is a fundamental part of exploring kink. What ‘good’ looks like may indeed vary from person to person, and I think like myself and Bakji, your ‘good’ becomes better over time, and your old ‘good’ looks a little lacking.

Myself and Bakji have grown together in terms of improving our communication and honestly it has been one of the most rewarding parts of our sexy-friendship. Neither of us were great at face to face discussions in the early days, and that meant finding more creative ways of sharing our thoughts with each other.

Continue reading “[Kink] Communication: It’s Good For Ewe”

[Kink] The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends

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For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote ‘(Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation’, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.

It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.

Continue reading “[Kink] The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends”

[Life] 5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

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Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

Continue reading “[Life] 5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy”

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

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FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO”

[Life] Communcation – It’s Not Just For The Poly People

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I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently not very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have for getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is re-framing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

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Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

Continue reading “[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles”

[Kink] When a (D/s) Relationship Ends

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I haven’t had a D/s relationship end as such since joining the kink scene. I have ended my interactions with people, and adjusted the parameters of play with people, and some kinky friendships and moved into more platonic realms. Those things either felt like an evolution of a friendship though, or the interaction I was ending didn’t feel like a ‘relationship’ to me.

I have however witnessed the end of many D/s relationships and that has given me some insight into how hard the end of a D/s dynamic can be. Especially for those people who are heavily involved in the kink community, it isn’t always that easy to create distance and time out from the person you are no longer involved with. Which can be exceptionally hard.

While I hope with all my heart that Bakji and I have many happy times ahead of us, I also acknowledge the fact that we may not always be together. I’ve done my fair share of believing in ‘forever’ when I was married and it still ended, despite the fact it would have been wonderful if it could have continued and for both of us to have been content. Relationships do end though, for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes we need to remove the people from our lives, but sometimes we want to keep them as a part of lives in some way too.

My marriage was not a D/s dynamic, but I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex-husband. Partly because it makes child rearing together much easier, but also because I love him dearly and he was my best friend for 10 years, just removing him from my life would have been heartbreaking. I feel very blessed that he felt the same, despite being devastated by my decision to end the relationship.

I feel much the same about Bakji. I cannot imagine not being friends with him. I can imagine scenarios in which our lives might cause us to head in different directions, I can understand that one day we might want different things from life or from our relationships, either together or with others. In all those scenarios though, I always imagine us finding a way to be friends, even if it takes time, while we readjust to new situations and difference of feelings.

I know this sounds a bit idealistic, and lots of people will probably be reading this going ‘yeah that’s not going to happen’ or ‘it’s not always that easy’. The thing is though, is that I believe in our friendship. I believe it is strong enough to withstand the loss of romantic and sexual connection.

I also prepare for these eventualities in my mind. Not in a depressing, ‘it’s doomed to fail’ kind of way, partly because I don’t see the end of relationships as a failure. Especially not good ones that just happen to run their course. It’s more that I know things might change, and I want to know how prepared I am to adapt to and accept those changes

Don’t get me wrong, some actions or attitudes would make this impossible. There are limits to my optimism. However, I also believe in Bakji and I can’t see him ever committing the actions that are on the list of unacceptable behaviours, and he’d have to have a full personality swap for his attitude to make me want to stop being friends with him.

Part of this approach to things, is keeping communication open. Obviously I want our relationship to continue, so I’m mindful to make sure we are each getting what we need from it. I’d much rather know early on if there is something that can change, rather than never know and it cause everything to implode. I’ve made the mistake of not addressing the little things before and it did not end well.

I know this isn’t about relationships actually ending as such, and even less about D/s relationships ending. I wrote it anyway though because you never know when your thoughts may resonate with someone, no matter how much they have digressed from the initial prompt.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Exploring New (and Sexy) Things

When I first started this blog it was because I felt like I was on the precipice of exploring polyamory, and I thought that having a place to chronicle that journey would be useful, not only to myself but maybe to others who were also trying to navigate those waters themselves. Less as a resource and more as a way to connect with people in similar situations.

As it happens this blog has become far more about my musings surrounding kink and the kink community. Which is brilliant because they are things I’m definitely passionate about, and that it what I have spent the majority of the last two years exploring. It has also been wonderful to connect with people who are also interested in kink in both similar and different ways to myself.

That said non-monogamy and/or polyamory had always been in the future of mine and Bakji’s partnership. I didn’t always know how I felt about that, I have always been involved in monogamous relationships, and I wrote about how I sometimes feel trapped between the desire to be polyamorous and having what I felt to be an overridingly mono mind. I did at times feel like my struggles would be what eventually ended the romantic/sexy side of our relationship. I think I massively underestimated Bakji though and the connection and friendship we have built. Because over 2 years later, and over 18 months since either of us properly played with anyone else, we are still going strong.

I feel like it is a testament to communication and research that I have come a long way since I wrote my last piece on this subject. Maybe not in terms of actual encounters with other people, but definitely in terms of how I feel about non-monogamy and how keen I am to explore this side of things.

It’s really easy when you write a blog to censor what you want to share, which is totally valid, blogging doesn’t mean we automatically have to share everything we have going on. I do however want this blog to be a place where people don’t just get to read polished accounts of everything being perfect. Sometimes the relationships we engage in are a lot of work, and we have to consciously make them grow and not let them slip away from us through lack of care.

Working on my understanding and my approach to non-monogamy is part of what I am doing to make my relationship with Bakji even better. I say even better because it is to me wonderful as it is. I think the right people though could have so much to offer us, as both a couple and as individuals and I really want us to explore that.

This coming weekend, we are potentially going to be exploring sexually with other people. I say potentially, because we are definitely going somewhere that will allow for this, but I don’t want to assume will be in high demand. The difference between now, and previous feelings is that I actually hope we are in high demand. Or at least I hope we do find new people to play with.

Far from feeling terrified that this will doom our relationship and Bakji will decide he’s found someone better, I actually feel excited that we are going on an awesome new adventure together. I’m not saying I’m so enlightened that I won’t face moments of discomfort or uncertainty. Overall though I think we will come out of this experience better off. The biggest shift in my mindset on this matter is that I want Bakji to find sexy ladies who are going to make him feel awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sexy lady and I do indeed make him feel awesome. He is a truly amazing person though and I want him to have more sexy and more awesome and I am only one lady, I only have so much sexy to give. I am now happy to outsource to other people to obtain more sexy and more awesome. I am of course not entirely selfless in this thinking, I am also thinking I might get some sexy ladies for myself too. Have I ever mentioned that I really like boobs, and I haven’t had any boob action for a while.

One of the things that have made me nervous in the past is feeling unable to discuss boundaries. As if boundaries are somehow restrictive to our explorations. I’ve realise though that actually the boundaries that I’m inclined to ask for aren’t actually awful and are actually fairly reasonable and beneficial to us both. I am no longer afraid to ask for what I might need to make sure I am comfortable with any given situation we might encounter. This is huge for me. Similarly I’m not afraid to hear that Bakji might have different boundaries. I feel sure that we will both do everything we can to support the other person so that they feel as well equipped as possible to handle new situations.

The other things that were preventing me from feeling certain that non-monogamy for me was my own fears and insecurities. Which isn’t exactly an uncommon theme of non-monogamy. I’ve really thought long and hard about those worries though, and seriously considered their likelihood and what would happen should my worst case scenarios occur. What would happen is that I would brush myself off and keep on going, so worrying about something I know I can handle seems ridiculous. That doesn’t mean my worst case scenarios would be pleasant to go through, but I know for sure I’ve been through worse.

I’ve also been listening to ‘More Than Two’ written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, which I’ve previously dipped into on my Kindle, but have found the audiobook even more beneficial. This is one of the most highly recommended resources on polyamory, and that is for good reason. It frames so much of what we might come up against in such a way that it actually helps you reorganise your mind a little and approach things with a better perspective.

Mine and Bakji’s relationship looks nothing like what I ever knew a relationship could look like. Sometimes that is the basis for my worries. The I realise it doesn’t look the way other relationships do or the way I was taught relationships should look because we are building it for us and for no one else. It really helps to remember this when worrying about how things might evolve with the addition of new play partners or romantic partners.

I feel confident that we have built an awesome friendship as the foundation for our kinky and sexy fun. Even if we one day evolve away from each other in an intimate way, I firmly believe that our friendship can withstand that. Yes it may take time and some tears might be shed, but knowing that our friendship with or without sexy time matters that much to me, really helps me panic less about the prospect of non-monogamy.

I will as much as other people’s privacy allows update my blog with how I’m feeling on this subject once our hopefully sexy weekend has passed. If anyone has any links to other blogs or resources that talk openly and positively about non-monogamy then I’d love to hear about them. I do have a few that I’m aware of, but I’m always open to learning more perspectives.

Have You Heard of Subfrenzy?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


Have I ever heard of subfrenzy? Oh yeah! Unfortunately I heard about it far too late. I heard about once I’d been there, done that and wondered what the fuck had caused me to behave so recklessly.

I am not 100% comfortable sharing the full story of how I came to discover I was kinky and then how I started exploring my kinks. The reasons being that the ‘discovery’ involves a failed pregnancy that was extremely traumatic and life altering in it’s nature, and the ‘exploration’ involves very dubious, reckless and to my mind shameful decisions with the wrong people.

However there are some elements I am able to discuss, and I think frenzy was partly responsible for my actions. After leaving my marriage, my first two kinky partners were not the right partners for me. I was in a bad head space during both these interactions, and all I could see was a chance to be kinky. I took that chance, regardless of what it took to achieve that.

What it took was taking huge chances with my personal safety, massive dents to my view of my personal worth and huge deviations in who I was as a person. I was lucky that I didn’t end up in dangerous situations. They were certainly not ideal situations, but given the fact that at time no one knew where I was, who I was with or what I was doing, things could have ended much differently.

This is one of the reasons I champion munches, events and finding a solid group of friends. In part because you will hopefully meet people who have some social proof to their decency as both a person and as a kinkster, and also because it gives you people to confide in. In my third instance of frenzy, which actually doesn’t go in the disastrous pile, just the over eager pile, I had those much-needed friends to turn to. The difference it made was immeasurable.

For me frenzy is truly awful. It might sound dramatic, and I’m okay with that. If even one person reads this and thinks ‘fuck, I think I have this’ then I am okay with everyone else thinking I’m a drama Queen.

When I was in the midst of frenzy I did the following things:

  • Played with someone I had only spoken to online and on the phone, whom I had never met in a neutral place, and who, I had never even seen a photo of.
  • Met up with people without telling a single living soul where I would be, not even a vague location. At times I said I was in one place when I was in fact in another.
  • Played with inexperienced Sadists, as an inexperienced masochist. Which left me with marks I was unable to handle when deep in subdrop (more on this in another post)
  • Let people declare my kinks were due to people’s mistreatment of me, they weren’t, but that was a nice story for people who wanted to ‘save me’.
  • Got involved with a narcissist, which was much easier to do with my eagerness to play blinding me to glaring personality faults.
  • Lied more than I’ve ever lied before because I’d got involved with people who would be angry by the truth.
  • I didn’t advocate for myself.
  • I didn’t learn my own limits.
  • I didn’t value my own safety.
  • I didn’t value myself, at all, for a very long time. Frenzy made this a very dangerous view to hold, because it made me even more reckless.

A lot of why looking back on my frenzy stage is hard for me is due to me being a Mother. To clarify my child was always, always safe and never, ever in the vicinity of any BDSM activities. However, to be reckless with your own safety as a Mother is to me a pretty awful thing. This is one of the regrets I am still working on getting over, but I must admit it is a hard one to shake.

Frenzy made my brain falter in a really unpleasant way. I have in the past had both depression and anxiety, both separately and together. While I was to my knowledge not suffering from either at my time of starting to explore kink, I think the fact that my mental health can sometimes be a hurdle for me possibly made me more susceptible to effects of frenzy.

Reaching people and educating them on this subject before they experience it, is I think a really tricky thing to do. Unfortunately there are people within the kink community who will prey and actively seek out newbies to play with, because they have less understanding of certain things and are therefore more pliable and easier to bend to one’s own will. Denying these people exist would be extremely negligent, there are however awesome people in this community who will recognise frenzy and possibly be able to support and guide someone through it safely.

You can’t meet those awesome people if you don’t join the community though. So please, please, please, whoever you are, but especially if you are a female identifying submissive, sorry to say it but I do think we need to be more careful, for a variety of reasons, do not play with the first person who offers. Get to your local munch, meet friends, and try to resist that nagging urge to play immediately.

I’d love to see more new submissives befriended by more experienced submissives, or switches who’ve been down the submissive rabbit hole. In a manner that leads to shared knowledge of these kinds of things. Yes, Dominants and Tops can educate on these things, but I think hearing it from someone who has been there makes it a lot easier to identify with.

Some of the things that are regularly recommended across a variety of resources to help deal with frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive and/or kinkster. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant/partner who does not respect your ability to do this is not a person worth interacting with.
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself  in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

My door, well my internet door at least, is always open. If anyone stumbles across this and is struggling with frenzy, or anything else for that matter, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch. Whether you’re a regular reader or you’ve only read this one post. I am happy to answer questions, have discussions or just offer friendly words of support.

How Do I Feel About Sexual Availability?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I’ve been staring at this topic for days now thinking I just wouldn’t be able to do a blog entry for this particular email from the 30 days of D/s. Then when I really put my mind into action I realised I did have thoughts on this subject, they maybe just aren’t as BDSM orientated as might be expected.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, myself and Bakji definitely have more kink related physical encounters, than we do encounters that are purely sexually driven. That said I am always happy to be sexually available to him. There really aren’t many occasions where I’d turn him down. This is however probably the first relationship where I’ve felt this way though, and I think that is due to the open and honest place kink has brought us to.

In previous relationship I didn’t have the words at my disposal to explain a lot of my feelings and thoughts around my sexual desires. I felt frustrated by the notion that because I was someone’s partner, that I in some way owed them sex. I think that this is a common pitfall of many relationships and without being addressed it the right manner I think it can cause all kinds of problems.

I also felt frustrated when I wasn’t in the mood for sex and would turn that inwards and get annoyed with myself for not wanting it. Sometimes I’d want to just do it anyway, so that I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying no, but I could never bring myself to ‘power through’.

What was missing in those kinds of interactions was my ability to fully explain who I was as a sexual being. Despite having found my footing in FemDom, when it comes to sex without kink, I am very sexually submissive. What I never had though was someone who was sexually dominant, so the balance was never right, which made sex seem hard to get into.

Despite saying I was frustrated by the notion of ‘owing’ a partner sex, it is strangely ironic that what I actually would have liked would have been for them to take that one step further and actually have taken what it was they wanted. Obviously this only would have worked with consent and negotiation, which at the time I did not have full awareness and understanding of.

I think I would have thrived sexually in my previous relationship if we could have established a more explicit understanding of what it meant to be sexually submissive. Instead of it being viewed as me being lazy or unwilling to be intimate. I didn’t understand it fully myself though, so I had no idea of what it was I needed to express. What ended up happening is that mismatched sexual interests, mismatched libidos and a lack of communication led to feelings of rejection, resentment and ultimately we are no longer together and this was one of our major stumbling blocks.

I’m not saying kink and D/s make for perfect communication and that they are the solution to these kinds of issues, but I do think the understanding we gain in kink of how important it is to talk about these things make a huge difference in how we approach our needs within a relationship.

Having the option there to talk about and negotiate what sexual availability means to us is invaluable I think. Doing it with a partner that understand the nuances of that though is imperative. One of the reasons I am happy to make myself sexually available to Bakji at all times is the knowledge that he knows me well enough to know when it wouldn’t be good time to make good on that arrangement. Feeling crappy with period pains? No sex thanks. Got a head full of Migraine? Again, not so much with the sex.

For me sexual availability is great if it’s with someone who is going to make the sex happen when they want it. If their idea of me being sexually available is to indicate they want me to be the sexual Top, then that doesn’t work so well. Telling me you want sex, but you me to surprise you with sex, or make grand plans for sex, really makes me not want sex. That approach would however work with kink activities, so it goes to show how very awkward I am.

I must admit the majority of my unrealised fantasies are related to this subject. Which may seem strange given that it’s probably a fairly basic element to many people. It just seem tricky to spell out how you want someone to behave, when the behaviour you’re craving is impromptu and of their own volition.

Perhaps though this is something I need to explore further, maybe I need to practice what I preach and open up a dialogue on this subject. This my friends is why the 30 Days of D/s emails are awesome, you can learn things about yourself you might not have done without prompting.