Tag: BDSM Advice

FemDom Friday: Be Prepared for Top Drop

For any newbie kinkster starting to explore BDSM the topic of sub drop comes up fairly quickly. Whenever I write about drop it is always in a generic sense. It is not only submissives that can get drop, anyone engaging in any kinds of BDSM activities leaves themselves open to dropping afterwards. The reason is simple, what goes up, must come down.

When we engage in kink activities it can often feel euphoric, we can space out, fly high and when the fun stops, especially without proper aftercare we can come crashing back to reality with a bang. Tops are not exempt from this.

When I started engaging in FemDom with Bakji I got a bigger rush than I perhaps ever did with subbing. I love the headspace it takes me too, and our dynamic means I push myself as Top further and further as my experience as a Top progresses. I hadn’t experienced sub drop for a fair while when I started Topping, so I naively wasn’t prepared to drop as hard as I did.

It was actually Bakji that pointed it out to me, and we made a plan together to try and alleviate or with any luck avoid drop. This is where good aftercare comes in, and lucky for me I have a partner who is committed to making my aftercare as entertaining as possible! Laughter is a great source of aftercare in my opinion.

What drop looks like can be different for everyone. For me though my drop manifests in the same way whether it’s from bottoming or Topping.

Feeling Blue – Sometimes after a scene I can just feel a little bit sad & tearful and sometimes that can feel a bit confusing and overwhelming, especially when you really enjoyed your scene.

Feeling Tired – This is especially true of my Top Drop. I use so much energy and focus when I’m Topping that afterwards I feel like I’ve got no energy left to give and all I want to do is snooze.

Feeling Insecure – I’ve often noticed that even though we’ve just enjoyed an incredible level of intimacy that the days post kink are when my insecurities are most like to surface. Not insecurities about the scene or my abilities as a Top necessarily, but just overall wobbles about myself.

The ‘One True Way Dominants’ will probably declare that this mean I’m not a proper Dominant, and to them I say; ‘Screw You Asshole!’ I refuse to perpetuate the myth that drop is any kind of weakness or an indication that you are not a ‘True Dom’.

Drop may be an indication of your aftercare needing tweaking. It can also be a sign of your scene being more intense than usual, or perhaps you’ve had a long day and you’re feeling more tired than normal. Maybe there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it and that’s okay too. Drop isn’t an indicator that you’re doing kink wrong, it is however a gentle reminder to nurture good aftercare practices, whether that is with a partner or on your own.

Half the battle with drop is being aware of it and accepting it might happen to you. Even if you’re the Domliest Dom from Planet Uber Dom, it is still okay to get drop and open up about it. People still ask on a regular basis is Top Drop is a thing, the more we talk about it the less likely it is to perceived as a wrong-doing or deficiency on the Tops part.


You can hear more of my thoughts on FemDom and Kink by tuning in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to BuyMeACoffee.

Buy Floss a coffeeBuy Floss a coffee

 

Is BDSM Curious a Valid Kink?

Masturbation-Monday-badge-1The wonderful Posy Churchgate wrote a piece for this week’s Masturbation Monday called ‘Under My Thumb.’ At the end of the piece, which I found to be a very thought provoking read, and while I began to comment on her post directly, I feel that my thoughts might be suited to some of my readers here.

 

Can You Be ‘BDSM Curious’?

“Since joining the kink community which surrounds the Twitter sex bloggers, I have begun to refer to myself as BDSM curious.  I don’t know if it’s an actual ‘thing’ …” – Posy Churchgate

Continue reading “Is BDSM Curious a Valid Kink?”

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Trigger Plans.

Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.

Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone

For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.

Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.

It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.

Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.

To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing,  specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.

Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.

Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.

As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:

  • Physical affection and closeness
  • Being in company
  • Being left alone
  • Food and drink
  • Staying warm and cosy
  • Peace and quiet
  • Talking things through
  • Taking their mind of it
  • Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc

Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.

IMG_7094It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.

When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.


This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on May 7th and is titled ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

Buy Floss a coffeeBuy Floss a coffee

FemDom Friday: Be Prepared To Find New Kinks

This one is actually great advice for anyone exploring kink, fetish and BDSM, regardless of the initial interest that begins their exploration. Without exception every kinky person I have had in depth conversations with about kink has discussed at least one kink they never knew they had or never believed they would be into.

Fledgling Floss: I would never do piss play

FemDom Floss: OMG I sooo want to try piss play

Fledgling Floss: What happened to I would never … ?

FemDom Floss: *shoves a gag in Fledgling Floss’ mouth*

Bringing it back round to FemDom though, a journey many of us embark on in a fairly low key manner. Often with a little hesitation thrown in too due to many of the thoughts I will be addressing in these articles; Will I get it wrong? What if I’m not Dominant enough? What if I’m not a Sadist? These list goes on.

We decide to take the leap into FemDom though and we start off tentatively, gently exploring what it’s like to be in charge of a scene or to set a daily task for our submissive and for many of us one day there is a shift. Or maybe several shifts over a long stretch of time. Before you know it though you look back and wonder when it was you changed gears and became into so many different kinks.

I can only speak as a woman who enjoys Domination, so this is probably something that occurs for all manner of Dominants, submissives and kinksters. Bear in mind though that I am specifically discussing my FemDom experiences. The reason I point this out is because for me this shift in kink gears was thrust much further due to my interest in FemDom.

Those things I thought I’d never do, I suddenly got them. I could see their potential and the reasons they could be arousing. In learning to exercise my control of our kinky sessions I found myself wanting to take us further in our explorations and this meant exploring new kinks.

The things that can sometimes startle us as fledgling kinksters can soon become something we are curious about once they become more familiar to us. Some of our initial reactions to things come from our social conditioning, we are told as we grow that certain things are ‘wrong’, ‘dirty’ or ‘shameful’. It can take time to reframe them as not only acceptable but as a potential kink. It’s also worth remembering that for some of us wrong, dirty and shameful are the exact words that turn us on.

For me FemDom unlocked a part of my brain that decided to give no shits and embrace my desires no matter what they were. Under the proviso of the usual disclaimer that those desires were not illegal and were undertaking with another consenting adult. Or adults in the plural for some of my kinks.

The reason I chose to focus on this as a complete topic is because I don’t think I am alone in this discovery, and it is a discovery that can be a little alarming depending on what new kinks it is you develop. It can be even harder to admit to your partner/s that you want to try something new, especially if you don’t know their feelings on it.

My tops tips for discussing newly discovered kinks are:

  • Write them down – It can be scary verbalising these things, especially if you’ve been on the receiving end of ‘you’re into what?’ at any point in your life accompanied by that awful grimace of disgust people do. Writing things down give you time to select your wording and gives the other person time to process.
  • Offer them as an option not as a requirement – Our kinks don’t always align even with the best will in the world, so never assume your partner will do them.
  • Create a safe space – You don’t have to be into a kink to accept a kink. Letting your partner know they can discuss any kinks without fear of judgement is a wonderful thing and hopefully will mean they offer the same to you in return.
  • Find a low level entry point – Even the most extreme kinks have a low level starting point (more on this in a future article).
  • Incorporate new kinks into masturbation – This won’t be possible with every kink, but is perfectly possible to explore many kinks alone. Which gives you an understanding of how much you enjoy them and how you might like to explore them with a partner.

If you actively want to find new kinks, which is definitely a lot of fun. My top tips for that would be:

  • Keep an open mind
  • Be a curious kitty
  • Use a Fetish Checklist/Activities sheet
  • Talk to fellow kinksters
  • Head to a play space/dungeon/fetish night
  • Attend workshops/demos where possible
  • Check out kink/fetish/BDSM porn
  • Browse kink equipment online
  • Where possible give things a go

There are a few phrases that pop up in the kink community quite often, two of which are definitely applicable for this topic.

Don’t Yuck My Yum

And

Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But That’s Okay.

One of the reasons I never yuck anyone’s yum is because I am never 100% certain it won’t one day become my kink. As for YKINMK, great. How dull would this community be if we all liked the same stuff?


If you would like to hear more of my thoughts on FemDom and Kink you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife.

The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

Buy Floss a coffeeBuy Floss a coffee

How Taboo Is Your Kink? And Why Does It Matter?

How Taboo Is Your Kink?

When we first start exploring our own individual kinks the vast majority of us seem to expect that we will be the only one into our particular kink. In reality I am yet to meet someone who is the only one with their kink. Which means in 3 years I haven’t encountered a single person who has a truly unique kink, in theory everyone I have met, either online or in person could potentially engage in their kink with another person.

An email from a #ProudToBeKinky listener got me thinking about taboo kinks, and how taboo our kinks really are and whether or not that matters. As always I think there are lots of strands of thinking to this. First of all what is taboo in the non-kink world is very different to what is taboo in the kink community. When you don’t have any other kinksters to discuss these matters with, it can be easy to assume your kinks are uncommon and therefore will shock others when you open up about them.

If you type taboo fetishes into google the first entry offers up:

  • Mecaphilia – Fetish for mechanical objects
  • Tickling Fetish
  • Squashing – defined as having someone sit on you chest
  • Scat Play
  • Electrical Stimulation
  • Golden Showers – aka urophilia, watersports, piss play
  • Sex Parties
  • Balloon Fetish
  • Diaper Fetish
  • Furries

I have had personal interactions, by this I mean conversational exchanges, with people who have between them had all but one of those Fetishes. The only one I have never encountered personally is Mecaphilia. While I admit that discussing any of these kinks over dinner with family or over lunch with colleagues is going to raise more than a few eyebrows and will likely lead to the individual opening up being unfairly shamed for their interests, within the kink community the reaction would be a lot different.

Most reasonable and kind kinksters will apply the ‘your kink is not my kink but that’s okay’ line of thinking to most kinks they do not have a desire to engage in. The exception to this would be if your kink is likely to endanger you or someone else, violates another person consent or involves minors.

Am I Saying No Kink Is Taboo?

Definitely not. There are kinks and Fetishes that for understandable reasons will cause people to either wonder if your reasons for engaging in them are safe, sane and consensual or cause someone who is into them to question their own personal beliefs, morality and state of mind. Many taboo kinks have political or social overtones to them than cannot, and should not be overlooked. I think it is important to both accept and understand why more taboo and extreme kinks and Fetishes might be challenging for some people to hear about and/or witness.

There are certainly some kinks that I would advise people to conduct largely in private unless they were certain the company they were keeping would not feel at best uncomfortable and at worse triggered by being exposed to a kink or Fetish that may have negative connotations for them. Interests that I would say often come under this umbrella for many people include but are not limited to race play, rape play and incest play. Also anything that Fetishsizes and glorifies people or parties that are largely condemned as abhorrent.

Just to be clear I am not saying you should be ashamed of or hide even the more taboo kinks, and I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t engage in the with a consenting adult. Being mindful and aware of other people’s feelings though is not the same as hiding away and being shamed.

When I opened this conversation on Twitter a follower kindly shared Ugol’s Law with me.

Ugol’s Law will tell you that for every time someone asks the question, “Am I the only one who likes this?” that the answer will always be no. The law stems from the idea that we have more in common as human beings than we might think. It also suggests that once you start looking for like-minded people, you will inevitably find someone who shares the same feelings, desires, and kink as you do. – From Kinkly.com

So whatever our kink we there will be another person with the same interest. Why then do we find ourselves feeling like we are alone in our desires and why does the question of something being taboo matter?

IMG_7285In a group chat with friends I posed this same question and one of them hit the nail on the head with why this comes up again and again. When you haven’t found like minded friends and/or a like minded partner, you may as well be the only person with your kink. With a world population of 7 billion people the chances of you just bumping into a person with your kink at the local pub or at a work event are pretty slim.

Even when you reach the kink community there are definitely those kinks that feel common place, and it seems like everyone is doing them. BDSM, in its full form of Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission and Sadism and masochism, is often used as a blanket term for kink. However it’s quite possible to have a kink or Fetish you are really passionate about and not identify with any of the branches of BDSM. In that scenario I can see how opening up about your specific kink can feel scary even to fellow kinksters.

What is The Solution?

Find a community. This doesn’t mean you have to go to your local munch. Even though I do think this is a great way to actually meet like minded people and increase your chances of meeting someone who will engage in your kink with you. Online communities are also a totally valid way of connecting with people and for the more taboo kinks I think this can be a really good way to feel less isolated.

Also reaching out to people who seem open minded and friendly can often be a great way to share your kinks and be reassured that they’re not as outlandish as you might think. It might even be that they can recommend resources and/or folks with similar interests, even if they are not into it themselves.

Being prepared to start small can often be make or break in whether or not you get to live out your kink not only to its fullest but at all. When you have never considered a kink before being asked to take it to its most extreme is likely to fill most people with a variety of feelings, many of them will make the prospect of trying whatever it is quite daunting. Even those new to spanking, which is am extremely popular kink, are really nervous to give it a try, so being asked to cane someone until they before you’ve tried spanking is going to feel terrifying to most people.

Having some kink is better than having no kink in most situations. If your deepest desire is full on forced feminization, with wig, makeup and a full Latex sissy maid dress, but your partner is wary and wants to start out with lace panties and stockings, then go with that. People take time to find their own comfort zones, especially when it isn’t their specific kink they are exploring. Many kinks crossover though and we can find enjoyment through embracing our own kinks while indulging other people in theirs.

While acknowledging your kink and starting to explore it can often feel isolating and daunting, there is every chance that you are not alone and that you can and will find someone to engage in it with you. Patience, mindfulness and being proactive in a community with definitely help your chances though. If you have found this because you have you own kink or Fetish that you are uncertain about or feel alone with, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch.

 The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.

Buy Floss a coffeeBuy Floss a coffee

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare

Aftercare – The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which those involved calm down, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

When I first joined the kink community the concept of aftercare baffled me. As someone who would not consider themselves tactile or overly affectionate I decided that aftercare wasn’t for me. I am not embarrassed to say I was wrong. I think aftercare is for everybody, and what some of us are saying when we say we don’t ‘need aftercare’ is ‘my aftercare looks different to yours’. Whether we have discovered that for ourselves or not.

IMG_7072

Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare”