Tag: Alternative Relationships

Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

There are many branches of non-monogamy, some of which are more familiar overall than others, but all of which are misunderstood by anyone not well versed in them. Cuckolding is no different. Within the kink community anyone who is engaged with cuckolding, if doing it in a healthy manner, will have consent from all parties involved, boundaries and/or limits they adhere to and lots of communication.

There are as many ways to conduct a cuckolding relationship as there are people into it. It isn’t one size fits all and we shouldn’t assume everyone does it for the same reasons. Yes many men who identify as a cuckold will be into humiliation and that will be huge part of the dynamic with his partner, however many men will not engage in the humiliation element of cuckolding and their dynamic will focus on other aspects that cuckolding can encourage.

The paragraph above was very gender specific, which is something I normally try to avoid, but I specifically went there because when most people think of cuckolding they think of a cisgendered heterosexual man, whose wife or certainly female partner is cheating on him with another man or multiple men. As with most, if not all kinks though, cuckolding does not have to be, and is not gender specific. People can be into cuckolding no matter their gender, sexuality or kink identity.

If It Isn’t Always About Humiliation, What is It About?

Validation of Choices – Have you ever felt pleased when someone complimented you on a new purchase? Be that shoes or car. Knowing someone else is attracted to your partner can cause that same feeling. That isn’t to say that this kind of validation is needed for people to love or be attracted to their partner, but it can certainly enhance arousal.

Power Exchange – Being stripped of your ability to have input while your partner engages in sexual activity, while you not only get none for yourself but may also be ‘forced’ to watch as they fuck someone else can be an extremely arousing situation for some people. It is worth repeating that these kinds of dynamics need clear negotiation and explicit consent before being embarked upon.

Sexual Arousal – For many people it is arousing to see their partner or hear about their partner being sexual with another person. There will be no more or no less to it than that.

Exploration of Taboos – Exploring and experiencing things we have grown up being told are wrong can be a really powerful sexual motivator. Cuckolding lends itself well to many people exploring a lot of societal taboos.

Escapism – As with many kinks, engaging in cuckolding will be a way of letting go and escaping the everyday for many people. That isn’t to say there aren’t 24/7 lifestyle cuckolds, of course there are. There are probably more casual cuckolds though who simply enjoy it when they can to take a step away from daily grind for a while.

Chastity – Lots of men are into chastity. Not all of them are into cuckolding. However, for some men into chastity one of the things that makes being locked away even hotter is knowing that other penises are free to fuck the woman that owns their very locked up cock.

Humiliation – Why have I have saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.

Cuckold? Really? Can We Have Another Word?

The origin of the word cuckold comes from the Cuckoo* bird’s habit of laying its eggs in another birds nest, therefore the unwitting bird will raise offspring that is not its own. Originally being used to refer to men whose partners were deceiving them by sleeping with another man, or men who were unwittingly raising another man’s offspring. With means that it is a somewhat imprecise term for many people who are into cuckolding.

IMG_7318.JPGAlternatives are thin on the ground though, and probably don’t provide many better options. HotWife lifestyle is probably the only other descriptive that offers similar activities but without the associated negative connotations of its roots being in infidelity and humiliation. However I am well aware many people would not feel it is suitable for them, and I am neither supporting nor condemning it.

*Because disclaimers are all the rage I feel obliged to mention that not all species of Cuckoo do this. I do not want to offend any non-cuckolding Cuckoos or any Ornithologists.

When it comes to terminology, there are some options but again I don’t think they feel like the right fit for everyone. Especially if gender specific terms are not appropriate or wanted.

Cuckquean – Female variant of a cuckold

Bull – Man with whom a cuckold’s partner is having sex

Cuckcake – Woman with whom a cuckqueans partner is having sex

What if you are the partner who is free to enjoy sexual encounters while your cuckold stays home or watches the fun in some cases? You may be a CuckQueen (note this is different to cuckquean), Cuckoldress or HotWife. Interestingly male versions of these terms do not seem to exist, so make of that what you will.

Surely If The Terms Don’t Fit Your Kink Is Something Else?

Yes and no. There is a specific element of cuckolding that you don’t get with other branches of non-monogamy or kink. While your partner is fucking someone else, you aren’t. You’re not fucking them and you’re not fucking anyone else either. Maybe you’re watching, maybe you’re sat at home alone or maybe you’re at work knowing your partner is getting their kicks anywhere but with you. Why someone is turned on or content with that might vary, but the specific nature of cuckolding means that you are not providing the sexual pleasure.

Perhaps if we saw more positive and honest examples of this particular kink we would be able to move away from the negative and sometimes incorrect assumptions that usually come with it.

Floss Is Wrong and She’s Ruining My Life

Wow! Sucks to be you then.

On a more serious note I realise that for people who live this lifestyle I may not be supporting the truths of how they view cuckolding and what that means to them. Unfortunately though no matter who you are or what your kink is, it is going to evolve and cuckolding is no different.

It is evolving and as such demanding people do it in one particular way is going to achieve nothing. The ‘one true way’ BDSM folk are dwindling, though still existing I grant you that, because their reluctance to accept new and/or alternative ideas makes them seem unpleasant and elitist.

Surely someone understanding, supporting and embracing something even if only from time to time is better than them having no outlet for their desires and being unfulfilled.

Before, during and after I wrote this I perused cuckolding forums and cuckolding groups on Fetlife and Reddit to ensure I wasn’t making any absolutely absurd claims. I do not want to misrepresent anyone, and I do not speak for the entire kink community on this blog, what I do want to do though is challenge people’s assumptions of a wide variety of kinks and try to encourage more acceptance of not only kink in general, but for kinks that may not be our own.

My blog mainly reaches people who are new to kink and are looking to learn and as such I try present my information in a way that is supportive, non-judgemental; and will hopefully give people a starting point for what may or may not be their kink. For that reason it may not match your own experience if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time.

Communcation. It’s Not Just For The Poly People

I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently not very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have for getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is re-framing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

Feeling Secure within Alternative Relationship Models

In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.

When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.

When I was growing up and for all my previous relationships, and certainly within my marriage, I followed the conventional path that many relationships do. My security within those relationships was based on doing the things we get told validate us as a partner and show us that our relationship is serious and that others will see it as so

Some examples of these things, which I’m sure most of us are familiar with, would be; the boyfriend/girlfriend chat, meeting parents/family, moving in together, engagement/marriage, children for those who are so inclined, maybe a pet together, shared finances and many more things I am sure to have forgotten.

When it comes to my relationship with Bakji I have none of those things. Not a single one, and it never fails to astound people. Not only people in monogamous, more conventional relationships, but also those who follow their own alternative relationship model. In the early days of figuring this stuff out, this did prove problematic, because quite often the brain niggles I had weren’t my own, they were reflective of other people’s issues with my dynamic.

Essentially though I found that the more I got to know Bakji the more I became comfortable with our combined approach to things. Why am I happy not to use the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ terminology? A common and recurring question from many people. Simply because I know that it has always been something Bakji has strong feelings on, personal ones that aren’t mine to share. Also because what difference would it truly make? None at all I suspect. I was someone’s wife for the longest time, and it was wonderful, but ultimately it didn’t stop our relationship ending. If not being a girlfriend allows our relationship to continue being awesome then I am good with that.

Another common and irritatingly persistent question I get asked is ‘have you met Bakji’s parents yet?’ My answer is always no. Not a no with a tear in my eye and a mournful rant, a fairly cheerful and straight to the point, no. If he wants me to at some point in the future then I’m sure I can go and be my wonderful charming self, but if not I’m still going to enjoy whipping his bum and snuggling him hard. Am I not concerned he is ashamed of me, hiding a secret life or in some other way being deceitful? Not even a little bit. Why? Because once again I know him, as hard as it is for some people to believe, we discuss these things and I trust in his reasoning behind how he likes to conduct himself with regards to this matter.

The other apparently baffling thing about us, is our non-existent desire to live together, like not even a tiny bit. It won’t happen next month, next year or ever. The reasons for this are many and varied. Essentially though neither of us wants that for our relationship, we enjoy our time together immensely and don’t feel that would be improved by increasing it to an everyday scenario. Does that mean we don’t enjoy sharing our personal space with each other, not at all. I love having Bakji in my home, cooking him dinner, having sleepovers and spending whole weekends together. Those things are made more enjoyable for me by virtue of not having to do them all the time.

While some people seem determined that it can’t be true we are happy as we are, yes things have changed along the way, and we’ve evolved together and our connection has deepened, but when it comes to the big things we are still going about things in much the same way as ever. We are well and truly off the relationship escalator and as happy as that makes me, sometimes it can still be scary. Especially when other people are so good at sowing the seed of doubt.

When I realised that my brain niggles weren’t entirely of my own creation, I had to think long and hard about how I gained security and validation without those things society tells me I should want and should be getting. It wasn’t easy because it meant being brutally honest with myself, and sometimes that is harder than being honest with others.

I started by considering all the ‘grumbles’ other people had about how we conducted our relationship and asked myself if they had a point. In the majority of cases I realised they didn’t, that what they cared about, was not important to me. I’m not in anyway judging them for it being important to them, but I decided that going forward I would be firmer about saying ‘that is not a concern of mine’.

There were some sticking points, where I came to understand that I needed to talk them through with Bakji. In discussing the things that were causing me to worry I realised that nearly all of my security and validation within our dynamic comes from the words that leave Bakji’s mouth and the actions he uses to support them. The security that doesn’t come from Bakji comes from myself, from doing the things that make me happy, investing in the things that make me fulfilled whether or not I am in a relationship.

I also found that once I started being honest about where my boundaries where, and what would feel like a bit of a deal breaker for me, that my security levels grew because I knew Bakji wouldn’t suddenly do something that he knew would be hurtful to me. I started to feel like he had my back, regardless of whether or not we were conforming to societal norms. I feel like in our time together we have created safe space for each other, which is far more valuable to me than adhering to other people’s notion of ‘normal’.

I am a huge supporter of doing what is a good fit for you, and if this includes living together, marriage etc then please don’t think I discourage that. I don’t regret for one minute having experienced those things for myself. I do however think that sometimes we become complacent about these actions being our effort and our security within a relationship. When they’re removed I’ve found that I’ve had to think harder about how I make sure that not only do I feel secure and happy within our relationship but also Bakji too.

I didn’t embark on writing this piece because I think I’ve got all the great advice and solutions to potential problems, I wrote it because I know from the people who’ve reached out to me that a lot of people following my blog are currently in similar situations and sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not alone, and you’re not the only person or only couple or only triad or only poly family to be searching for different ways to approach life, love and relationships.

Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?

When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.

When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.

Continue reading “Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?”

Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

Continue reading “Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles”

Episode 53 – Being an Idollator with Davecat & Sidore

DaveCat is our guest for this week’s episode and we were delighted to have him on the show, having heard him on a couple of other podcasts. Part of doing the podcast was to not only talk about Kinks, Fetishes and elements of BDSM, but also to talk to people who have alternative lifestyles, alternative relationships models or just generally express themselves in a way some people may not be familiar with.

DaveCat joined us with his wife Sidore, they also have two other partners living with them, Elena and Miss Winter. Sidore, Elena and Miss Winter are all synthetic women, or real dolls. DaveCat shares how he came to welcome Sidore into his life, 17 years ago, and how Elena and Miss Winter joined them in more recent years.

As big fan of finding a community that you feel comfortable in, and one in which you can hopefully find like-minded people, we ask DaveCat about the idollator community, and what kinds of online and offline support and advice is available, especially to those people who are just beginning their journey, either with a synthetic partner or with a view to finding one.

We also talk about some of the documentaries DaveCat has featured on, all of which are listed on the media portion of his website listed below. While TV often does it’s best to sensationalise any given topic,  it feels like shows like ours and Off the Cuffs are hopefully a less biased platform for people to learn about new things, whether they are into it themselves or not.

There is so much more we talk to DaveCat about, far too much to squeeze into one blog post without spoiling the episode for you. If you have any feedback you can contact us on our email hello@proudtobekinky.com, or find us on Twitter, Instagram, Fetlife or Facebook.

You can also find support us on Patreon, https://www.patreon.com/proudtobekinky, where you can find our spin-off podcast FemDom and Fetish Fun. You can also leave us an awesome 5 star reviews if you listen on iTunes/Apple Podcast App. We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network with Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God, Parking Lot Radio and the Will sean Podcast, who you might also enjoy tuning into.

Links:

DaveCat’s Blog – www.kuroneko-chan.com/echoes/

DaveCat on Twitter  – https://twitter.com/Davecat

Sidore on Twitter – https://twitter.com/leahtype

Anatomical Doll – http://www.anatomicaldoll.com/start_en.php

Love and Sex with Robots by David Levy

Ourdollcommunity.com

The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome

Back in February I wrote Poly Ramblings From a Maybe Mono Mind which probably gave the impression I should give up on non-monogamy. Then last week I wrote Exploring New (and Sexy) Things , I realise the two together possibly make for confusing reading, but I think both are really important in showing the journey I have been on in relation to non-monogamy.

I have worked really hard on finding resources and digging deep within in myself to discover what it is I want and what kind of relationship models I can be part of. I by no means have it all figured out, but I certainly feel like I am making some progress.

This weekend myself and Bakji went on a very sexy adventure. I’m going to keep some of the details purposefully vague, because I don’t want future play partners to feel like every move they make will be chronicled here, and partly because what this blog post is really about is my reactions, not necessarily the specific actions that caused them.

When we headed out on this weekends adventure I had a degree of certainty that play with other people would ensue, I didn’t know how many people that might be, or what exact acts it would entail, but I was prepared for us to explore with others. Now as ready as I felt I was, and excited too I must admit, I still had that awful worry that it wouldn’t go well. I didn’t trust myself to react as I wanted to, I had that uneasy feeling that I’d be jealous, feel left out, or just simply realise I wasn’t into it. As it happens not one of those feelings was present.

What I actually felt this weekends was amazing. We had so much fun. Not only did we connect with other people, but we connected with each other. There was no kink, which was initially terrifying, but the absence of kink gave us other avenues to explore and that in itself was delightful. We focused on sensual touch, massages were plentiful and we revelled in exploring one another’s bodies in a passionate and sensual way. Not to say kink can’t be those things it really can be, but kink sensual and sexual sensual feel very different to me.

I challenged myself in terms of opening up my personal spaces to strangers, and it felt utterly terrifying, but it was so rewarding. While I’m not likely to be allowing any old stranger to hug me, I think I have broadened my own horizons in terms of physical proximity to other people. I learnt that I can enjoy physical touch in a wider variety of ways than I led myself to believe.

One of the comments I see often about non-monogamy is how people feel closer to their partner, both physically and emotionally after exploring with another person, be that a sexual encounter or a romantic connection. I wasn’t sure I’d have this same response. I’ve got to say though, I understand that much more now. Physically I feel like my already ardent desires for Bakji have been super charged. I just want to do more sex, more kink, more everything really and more often. Emotionally, well, you won’t catch me using the ‘L’ word very often, but the best way to explain things is that I feel like the love I have instead of just being present, has taken off and is whizzing round my body, constantly reminding me of how I feel.

Another thing that I felt certain I never would get to grips with, was compersion, or at least I think that’s the best way of explaining what I did feel. There was a moment where I couldn’t help but smile knowing someone else was on the receiving end of Bakji’s attention and that he was also enjoying this exchange, it felt oddly exhilarating, but it also felt really, really good.

I was by no means left out though, there were new hands and new lips, and they were sexy and fun and the newness of them was exciting. I feel desired by Bakji all the time, and he makes me feel sexy and awesome. However that did not diminish the joy in having someone else cause those feelings too.

Two other aspects of I enjoyed and caught myself by surprise in doing so, was exhibitionism and voyeurism. Both of which felt kind of awesome to indulge in. It was wonderful to see people embracing their sexuality, and their bodies and enjoying both in so many different ways. People were glowing and happy, couples were immersed in each other, as the rest of the room fell away for a while.

Technically I guess this was us moving into the realms of being ‘swingers’ from other people’s viewpoint at least, and that’s okay, but I do think the term Swingers conjures up a certain perception that isn’t entirely correct. This honestly wasn’t what I ever imagined an event essentially based around sex to be like. It wasn’t tawdry or clichéd. It wasn’t just about finding other couples and swapping with them, going at it for x amount of time and then swapping back. It was about connecting with people and enjoying them. People were playing in all sorts of configurations. Twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and I think there were definitely some moresomes going on.

It also wasn’t just about P.I.V sex either, which in itself wasn’t completely surprising, but it was still great to see. It does still feel like for some people, in some circles that P.I.V is the end goal of physical intimacy. Providing a penis and a vagina are present of course. Seeing all sexual acts embraced and enjoyed in and of themselves by so many people felt really positive to be around.

Overall I don’t think I have come away with one negative thing to say about this experience. I am really pleased we took the plunge and decided to give it a go. I’m not for one minute saying that this means there won’t be any future wobbles, or issues to work through, I 100% expect to have to work through plenty more stuff as time goes on. I do however feel like I’ve taken some great steps in understanding and exploring myself and that can only be a good thing.