Tag: Alternative Relationships

[Relationships] Beneath the Umbrella of Non-Monogamy

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A little while back I read a blog post that is no longer available about polyamory and swinging myths, it was a great post and it inspired me to talk about another type of alternative relationship model, non-monogamy. I wrote the article below for that blog, but later on in the week I would like to share another post about a more specific non-monogamous experience and I think this post is a perfect preface to that one, so I am taking the opportunity to share it with you now.

For me, non-monogamy is both an umbrella term and a more specific way to describe my own relationship without using a descriptor that could be a little misleading. Myself and Bakji both identify as non-monogamous, both as individuals and within the dynamic we have together.

Continue reading “[Relationships] Beneath the Umbrella of Non-Monogamy”

[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

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Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish, there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long-term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

Continue reading “[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!”

[Life] Communcation – It’s Not Just For The Poly People

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I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently not very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have for getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is re-framing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

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[Life] Feeling Secure within Alternative Relationship Models

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In my post ‘Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles’ I spoke about how my sleeping brain was causing me to feel insecure, and how security looks different within an alternative relationship model. I’m far from being an expert on this matter, and I have so much still to learn, there are some things I’ve figured out along the way though and as always I like to share those things with my lovely readers.

When Bakji and I first started playing together I was ridiculously ill equipped to deal with the feelings I would face surrounding how our friendship would change and grow. I was so convinced that I would never be in a position of having a ‘primary partner’ while exploring non-monogamy, that I didn’t seek out the resources I needed to guide me through that soon enough.

Continue reading “[Life] Feeling Secure within Alternative Relationship Models”

[Life] Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?

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When you start delving into resources for polyamory and non-monogamy, you start to realise that as well as learning about new relationship models, you also start to learn a new language. You can find a very extensive glossary on the More Than Two site, to get a better idea of what I mean. One of the words that has popped up recently on my blog is compersion. That feeling of joy some people get from knowing their partner is finding sexual or romantic happiness with another person.

When I first joined the kink scene I had no idea I’d be presented with non-monogamy as a lifestyle choice. In my previous non-kink life, even the idea of a threesome was only hot in theory, I never, ever would have genuinely considered having one. When it became apparent that new experiences would open to me if I consider non-monogamy I decided to give it a shot. It was as a unicorn though that I decided to tip my toe in the non-monogamy waters.

Continue reading “[Life] Compersion: Buzzword, Or Beautiful?”

[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles

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Back in September I wrote ‘The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome’, and yes I’m aware I use the word awesome far too much, but I like it, loads, so you’re stuck with it. In that writing I covered some of my thoughts on compersion, and how I’d finally experienced it in some way, which I thought I never would. I debated whether or not writing about it again was worthwhile, for fear I might repeat myself and not add anything new to the mix, then I thought about it more and realised there is always more to unpack when it comes to non-monogamy.

“Compersion: A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”

Continue reading “[Life] Compersion, Trust and Brain Niggles”

The Feeling When … New Things Are Awesome

Back in February I wrote Poly Ramblings From a Maybe Mono Mind which probably gave the impression I should give up on non-monogamy. Then last week I wrote Exploring New (and Sexy) Things , I realise the two together possibly make for confusing reading, but I think both are really important in showing the journey I have been on in relation to non-monogamy.

I have worked really hard on finding resources and digging deep within in myself to discover what it is I want and what kind of relationship models I can be part of. I by no means have it all figured out, but I certainly feel like I am making some progress.

This weekend myself and Bakji went on a very sexy adventure. I’m going to keep some of the details purposefully vague, because I don’t want future play partners to feel like every move they make will be chronicled here, and partly because what this blog post is really about is my reactions, not necessarily the specific actions that caused them.

When we headed out on this weekends adventure I had a degree of certainty that play with other people would ensue, I didn’t know how many people that might be, or what exact acts it would entail, but I was prepared for us to explore with others. Now as ready as I felt I was, and excited too I must admit, I still had that awful worry that it wouldn’t go well. I didn’t trust myself to react as I wanted to, I had that uneasy feeling that I’d be jealous, feel left out, or just simply realise I wasn’t into it. As it happens not one of those feelings was present.

What I actually felt this weekends was amazing. We had so much fun. Not only did we connect with other people, but we connected with each other. There was no kink, which was initially terrifying, but the absence of kink gave us other avenues to explore and that in itself was delightful. We focused on sensual touch, massages were plentiful and we revelled in exploring one another’s bodies in a passionate and sensual way. Not to say kink can’t be those things it really can be, but kink sensual and sexual sensual feel very different to me.

I challenged myself in terms of opening up my personal spaces to strangers, and it felt utterly terrifying, but it was so rewarding. While I’m not likely to be allowing any old stranger to hug me, I think I have broadened my own horizons in terms of physical proximity to other people. I learnt that I can enjoy physical touch in a wider variety of ways than I led myself to believe.

One of the comments I see often about non-monogamy is how people feel closer to their partner, both physically and emotionally after exploring with another person, be that a sexual encounter or a romantic connection. I wasn’t sure I’d have this same response. I’ve got to say though, I understand that much more now. Physically I feel like my already ardent desires for Bakji have been super charged. I just want to do more sex, more kink, more everything really and more often. Emotionally, well, you won’t catch me using the ‘L’ word very often, but the best way to explain things is that I feel like the love I have instead of just being present, has taken off and is whizzing round my body, constantly reminding me of how I feel.

Another thing that I felt certain I never would get to grips with, was compersion, or at least I think that’s the best way of explaining what I did feel. There was a moment where I couldn’t help but smile knowing someone else was on the receiving end of Bakji’s attention and that he was also enjoying this exchange, it felt oddly exhilarating, but it also felt really, really good.

I was by no means left out though, there were new hands and new lips, and they were sexy and fun and the newness of them was exciting. I feel desired by Bakji all the time, and he makes me feel sexy and awesome. However that did not diminish the joy in having someone else cause those feelings too.

Two other aspects of I enjoyed and caught myself by surprise in doing so, was exhibitionism and voyeurism. Both of which felt kind of awesome to indulge in. It was wonderful to see people embracing their sexuality, and their bodies and enjoying both in so many different ways. People were glowing and happy, couples were immersed in each other, as the rest of the room fell away for a while.

Technically I guess this was us moving into the realms of being ‘swingers’ from other people’s viewpoint at least, and that’s okay, but I do think the term Swingers conjures up a certain perception that isn’t entirely correct. This honestly wasn’t what I ever imagined an event essentially based around sex to be like. It wasn’t tawdry or clichéd. It wasn’t just about finding other couples and swapping with them, going at it for x amount of time and then swapping back. It was about connecting with people and enjoying them. People were playing in all sorts of configurations. Twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and I think there were definitely some moresomes going on.

It also wasn’t just about P.I.V sex either, which in itself wasn’t completely surprising, but it was still great to see. It does still feel like for some people, in some circles that P.I.V is the end goal of physical intimacy. Providing a penis and a vagina are present of course. Seeing all sexual acts embraced and enjoyed in and of themselves by so many people felt really positive to be around.

Overall I don’t think I have come away with one negative thing to say about this experience. I am really pleased we took the plunge and decided to give it a go. I’m not for one minute saying that this means there won’t be any future wobbles, or issues to work through, I 100% expect to have to work through plenty more stuff as time goes on. I do however feel like I’ve taken some great steps in understanding and exploring myself and that can only be a good thing.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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Exploring New (and Sexy) Things

When I first started this blog it was because I felt like I was on the precipice of exploring polyamory, and I thought that having a place to chronicle that journey would be useful, not only to myself but maybe to others who were also trying to navigate those waters themselves. Less as a resource and more as a way to connect with people in similar situations.

As it happens this blog has become far more about my musings surrounding kink and the kink community. Which is brilliant because they are things I’m definitely passionate about, and that it what I have spent the majority of the last two years exploring. It has also been wonderful to connect with people who are also interested in kink in both similar and different ways to myself.

That said non-monogamy and/or polyamory had always been in the future of mine and Bakji’s partnership. I didn’t always know how I felt about that, I have always been involved in monogamous relationships, and I wrote about how I sometimes feel trapped between the desire to be polyamorous and having what I felt to be an overridingly mono mind. I did at times feel like my struggles would be what eventually ended the romantic/sexy side of our relationship. I think I massively underestimated Bakji though and the connection and friendship we have built. Because over 2 years later, and over 18 months since either of us properly played with anyone else, we are still going strong.

I feel like it is a testament to communication and research that I have come a long way since I wrote my last piece on this subject. Maybe not in terms of actual encounters with other people, but definitely in terms of how I feel about non-monogamy and how keen I am to explore this side of things.

It’s really easy when you write a blog to censor what you want to share, which is totally valid, blogging doesn’t mean we automatically have to share everything we have going on. I do however want this blog to be a place where people don’t just get to read polished accounts of everything being perfect. Sometimes the relationships we engage in are a lot of work, and we have to consciously make them grow and not let them slip away from us through lack of care.

Working on my understanding and my approach to non-monogamy is part of what I am doing to make my relationship with Bakji even better. I say even better because it is to me wonderful as it is. I think the right people though could have so much to offer us, as both a couple and as individuals and I really want us to explore that.

This coming weekend, we are potentially going to be exploring sexually with other people. I say potentially, because we are definitely going somewhere that will allow for this, but I don’t want to assume will be in high demand. The difference between now, and previous feelings is that I actually hope we are in high demand. Or at least I hope we do find new people to play with.

Far from feeling terrified that this will doom our relationship and Bakji will decide he’s found someone better, I actually feel excited that we are going on an awesome new adventure together. I’m not saying I’m so enlightened that I won’t face moments of discomfort or uncertainty. Overall though I think we will come out of this experience better off. The biggest shift in my mindset on this matter is that I want Bakji to find sexy ladies who are going to make him feel awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I am a sexy lady and I do indeed make him feel awesome. He is a truly amazing person though and I want him to have more sexy and more awesome and I am only one lady, I only have so much sexy to give. I am now happy to outsource to other people to obtain more sexy and more awesome. I am of course not entirely selfless in this thinking, I am also thinking I might get some sexy ladies for myself too. Have I ever mentioned that I really like boobs, and I haven’t had any boob action for a while.

One of the things that have made me nervous in the past is feeling unable to discuss boundaries. As if boundaries are somehow restrictive to our explorations. I’ve realise though that actually the boundaries that I’m inclined to ask for aren’t actually awful and are actually fairly reasonable and beneficial to us both. I am no longer afraid to ask for what I might need to make sure I am comfortable with any given situation we might encounter. This is huge for me. Similarly I’m not afraid to hear that Bakji might have different boundaries. I feel sure that we will both do everything we can to support the other person so that they feel as well equipped as possible to handle new situations.

The other things that were preventing me from feeling certain that non-monogamy for me was my own fears and insecurities. Which isn’t exactly an uncommon theme of non-monogamy. I’ve really thought long and hard about those worries though, and seriously considered their likelihood and what would happen should my worst case scenarios occur. What would happen is that I would brush myself off and keep on going, so worrying about something I know I can handle seems ridiculous. That doesn’t mean my worst case scenarios would be pleasant to go through, but I know for sure I’ve been through worse.

I’ve also been listening to ‘More Than Two’ written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, which I’ve previously dipped into on my Kindle, but have found the audiobook even more beneficial. This is one of the most highly recommended resources on polyamory, and that is for good reason. It frames so much of what we might come up against in such a way that it actually helps you reorganise your mind a little and approach things with a better perspective.

Mine and Bakji’s relationship looks nothing like what I ever knew a relationship could look like. Sometimes that is the basis for my worries. The I realise it doesn’t look the way other relationships do or the way I was taught relationships should look because we are building it for us and for no one else. It really helps to remember this when worrying about how things might evolve with the addition of new play partners or romantic partners.

I feel confident that we have built an awesome friendship as the foundation for our kinky and sexy fun. Even if we one day evolve away from each other in an intimate way, I firmly believe that our friendship can withstand that. Yes it may take time and some tears might be shed, but knowing that our friendship with or without sexy time matters that much to me, really helps me panic less about the prospect of non-monogamy.

I will as much as other people’s privacy allows update my blog with how I’m feeling on this subject once our hopefully sexy weekend has passed. If anyone has any links to other blogs or resources that talk openly and positively about non-monogamy then I’d love to hear about them. I do have a few that I’m aware of, but I’m always open to learning more perspectives.