Tag: Advice

Community, Cliques and Making Friends

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When I first started this blog I wasn’t involved in the blogging community at all. Through the podcast I started to converse with other podcasters, and that felt like a far easier community to break into that the blogging one. Until that is I realised something, I hadn’t actually tried to be part of the blogging community.

When I decided to eventually start taking part in things within the blogging community I will be honest and say I did so because I thought it might be a good way to promote ProudToBeKinky. However, far more of you visit me for my writing than my podcasting, so I can be upfront and say that plan did not work out.

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[SinfulSunday] Advice From a Rainbow

Advice From a Rainbow 

Live a Colourful Live

Be an Inspiration

Bring Unexpected Joy

See Beauty in Life’s Curves

Be Someone to Look Up To

Live in the Moment

Reflect your True Nature

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I don’t have any advice that is better than that of a rainbow. Seriously that advice is pretty much how I try and live my life. I do however have some thoughts on being yourself, sharing your true and awesome colours and shining bright and beautiful in your own unique way.

I believe that confidence is sexy.

Sometimes for me confidence is glitter, My Little Pony, tutus and rainbows.

I also believe that I am a kick ass FemDom and I have seen too many women say they can’t be the same because ‘they don’t fit the type‘!

Oh hell no!

You can be anything you want to be and don’t let the haters and the ‘one true way’ brigade tell you otherwise.

What I really want to be is a My Little Pony.

And nobody is gonna stop me!


This post was inspired by Sinful Sunday Please do visit the other submissions and show you appreciation with a like or a comment.

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Who else is being Sinful this Sunday?

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[Life] 5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

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Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

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[Life] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare

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Aftercare – The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which those involved calm down, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

When I first joined the kink community the concept of aftercare baffled me. As someone who would not consider themselves tactile or overly affectionate I decided that aftercare wasn’t for me. I am not embarrassed to say I was wrong. I think aftercare is for everybody, and what some of us are saying when we say we don’t ‘need aftercare’ is ‘my aftercare looks different to yours’. Whether we have discovered that for ourselves or not.

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Continue reading “[Life] A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Aftercare”

[Kink] Is Confidence Affecting Your Kink?

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If you are human, and I’m assuming most of my readers are, there is a chance that at some point in life you’ve had a crisis of confidence. More times than I can count I have heard someone use low confidence levels as to why they are too nervous to try a new kink with a partner. This is especially so when is comes to taking control and being the Dominant partner, though that is not to say that is the only scenario that lack of confidence infiltrates.

I have without doubt struggled with this issue myself, aided wonderfully by other people being less than encouraging about attempts I did make to try new things. When I met Bakji things started to shift, due to his constant support, encouragement and kindness and I decided that new things were definitely something I wanted to do.

Continue reading “[Kink] Is Confidence Affecting Your Kink?”

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO

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FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

Frenzy, drop and FOMO are to my mind a trio of spoil sports who given half the chance will definitely ruin our kinky fun. Knowing that they are always lurking around the corner ready to attack is half the battle, accepting they will happen and learning how to deal with them, gives you much more control over the effects they will have on you.

Frenzy, more often than not referred to as subfrenzy, a term I am going to avoid. While it is my experience that those exploring their submissive tendencies do suffer frenzy more intensely, Tops and Dominants are not immune to it and I think it remiss of anyone to think their kink label will stop them from having the down sides of engaging in BDSM activities.

Continue reading “A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Frenzy, Drop and FOMO”

[FemDom Friday] FemDom Is For Switches Too

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Switch – A person who may feel Dominant or submissive depending on their mood or their partner. Switching also encompasses those who identify as Top/bottom, and Sadist/masochist

I never would have found my love of FemDom if I hadn’t initially thought I was a submissive. When I joined the kink scene it was with the assumption that I would find a Dominant to explore my submissive side with. While in some ways that did happen, another and surprising thing happened too. I realised that while I do enjoy being a bottom, I have a great passion for Topping, and the resulting conclusion was that I am in fact a Switch.

Top – A person who is in control during a scene, this person may or may not identify as a Dominant

Bottom – A person who gives up control, receives physical sensation and/or verbal instruction during a scene from a Top, this person may or may not identify as submissive

Continue reading “[FemDom Friday] FemDom Is For Switches Too”

Have You Heard of Subfrenzy?

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


Have I ever heard of subfrenzy? Oh yeah! Unfortunately I heard about it far too late. I heard about once I’d been there, done that and wondered what the fuck had caused me to behave so recklessly.

I am not 100% comfortable sharing the full story of how I came to discover I was kinky and then how I started exploring my kinks. The reasons being that the ‘discovery’ involves a failed pregnancy that was extremely traumatic and life altering in it’s nature, and the ‘exploration’ involves very dubious, reckless and to my mind shameful decisions with the wrong people.

However there are some elements I am able to discuss, and I think frenzy was partly responsible for my actions. After leaving my marriage, my first two kinky partners were not the right partners for me. I was in a bad head space during both these interactions, and all I could see was a chance to be kinky. I took that chance, regardless of what it took to achieve that.

What it took was taking huge chances with my personal safety, massive dents to my view of my personal worth and huge deviations in who I was as a person. I was lucky that I didn’t end up in dangerous situations. They were certainly not ideal situations, but given the fact that at time no one knew where I was, who I was with or what I was doing, things could have ended much differently.

This is one of the reasons I champion munches, events and finding a solid group of friends. In part because you will hopefully meet people who have some social proof to their decency as both a person and as a kinkster, and also because it gives you people to confide in. In my third instance of frenzy, which actually doesn’t go in the disastrous pile, just the over eager pile, I had those much-needed friends to turn to. The difference it made was immeasurable.

For me frenzy is truly awful. It might sound dramatic, and I’m okay with that. If even one person reads this and thinks ‘fuck, I think I have this’ then I am okay with everyone else thinking I’m a drama Queen.

When I was in the midst of frenzy I did the following things:

  • Played with someone I had only spoken to online and on the phone, whom I had never met in a neutral place, and who, I had never even seen a photo of.
  • Met up with people without telling a single living soul where I would be, not even a vague location. At times I said I was in one place when I was in fact in another.
  • Played with inexperienced Sadists, as an inexperienced masochist. Which left me with marks I was unable to handle when deep in subdrop (more on this in another post)
  • Let people declare my kinks were due to people’s mistreatment of me, they weren’t, but that was a nice story for people who wanted to ‘save me’.
  • Got involved with a narcissist, which was much easier to do with my eagerness to play blinding me to glaring personality faults.
  • Lied more than I’ve ever lied before because I’d got involved with people who would be angry by the truth.
  • I didn’t advocate for myself.
  • I didn’t learn my own limits.
  • I didn’t value my own safety.
  • I didn’t value myself, at all, for a very long time. Frenzy made this a very dangerous view to hold, because it made me even more reckless.

A lot of why looking back on my frenzy stage is hard for me is due to me being a Mother. To clarify my child was always, always safe and never, ever in the vicinity of any BDSM activities. However, to be reckless with your own safety as a Mother is to me a pretty awful thing. This is one of the regrets I am still working on getting over, but I must admit it is a hard one to shake.

Frenzy made my brain falter in a really unpleasant way. I have in the past had both depression and anxiety, both separately and together. While I was to my knowledge not suffering from either at my time of starting to explore kink, I think the fact that my mental health can sometimes be a hurdle for me possibly made me more susceptible to effects of frenzy.

Reaching people and educating them on this subject before they experience it, is I think a really tricky thing to do. Unfortunately there are people within the kink community who will prey and actively seek out newbies to play with, because they have less understanding of certain things and are therefore more pliable and easier to bend to one’s own will. Denying these people exist would be extremely negligent, there are however awesome people in this community who will recognise frenzy and possibly be able to support and guide someone through it safely.

You can’t meet those awesome people if you don’t join the community though. So please, please, please, whoever you are, but especially if you are a female identifying submissive, sorry to say it but I do think we need to be more careful, for a variety of reasons, do not play with the first person who offers. Get to your local munch, meet friends, and try to resist that nagging urge to play immediately.

I’d love to see more new submissives befriended by more experienced submissives, or switches who’ve been down the submissive rabbit hole. In a manner that leads to shared knowledge of these kinds of things. Yes, Dominants and Tops can educate on these things, but I think hearing it from someone who has been there makes it a lot easier to identify with.

Some of the things that are regularly recommended across a variety of resources to help deal with frenzy are:

  • Research – yep read the books, check out websites, listen to podcasts, really get to grips with what it is YOU want as a submissive and/or kinkster. That shit matters. Learn how to effectively negotiate and advocate for yourself. And NEVER, EVER be afraid to do so. A Dominant/partner who does not respect your ability to do this is not a person worth interacting with.
  • Keep Good Company – As I’ve already mentioned, find good friends and do things with them. Whether those things are kink related or non-kink adventures. Keep busy and active. Places Like Loving BDSM that offer an online community are also wonderful for this. I do not want to discredit the benefit that online friendships can offer. They too can be invaluable.
  • Play with Friends – Provided you have found a good network of kinky friends, then playing with them can absolutely be a valid way to avoid frenzy. I would much rather help a friend out with some rope play and a spanking, knowing I would play safely and look after them post play, rather than have them off out alone in the wilderness of frenzy. Kinky friendships I have found are by their very nature a little more intimate than the friendships we get used to in non-kink life. So the type of support we can offer each other sometimes does come in the form of play and intimacy.
  • Safe-calls – OMG! YES! Please, please, please let’s make these more of a thing. Even if you are going to play with someone who is trusted. Let someone know where you are going, who you will be with and agree to check in with them. If you are playing with someone who seems concerned by the arrangement of a safe call being in place, then my advice would be to not play with them. No one should be wary of or alarmed by your desire to protect yourself.
  • Exercise – This is one of my favourites, and a personal method I use to keep myself  in a good frame of mind. It can take some time to find something you enjoy, but I think it is well worth finding a physical release. I love to hit the treadmill, and am going to branch out into outdoor running once little dude is back at school.
  • Writing – No surprises that I’m a fan of this too. Whether it’s a private diary, or an online blogging. Writing can be an extremely valuable tool in working through what you are feeling. It is one of the reasons I started my blog. While it has deviated from initial idea, it’s a great way to work through my thoughts and share that with others.
  • Look After Yourself – Whatever you need to do to issue some self-care, do it. For me it’s eating well, indulging in Harry Potter, hot showers, herbal teas and a nice blanket. Your self care will look different and that’s okay. I like to think of it as a date with myself.

My door, well my internet door at least, is always open. If anyone stumbles across this and is struggling with frenzy, or anything else for that matter, please feel free to use the contact form to get in touch. Whether you’re a regular reader or you’ve only read this one post. I am happy to answer questions, have discussions or just offer friendly words of support.

Friendship – Am I Doing It Right?

I’ve written quite a few blog posts about the friendships I’ve formed since I joined the kink scene, and the last few days I’ve been thinking about friendship a lot.

I don’t require much from my friends, the only main prerequisite for being my friend is that I like you. It’s really that simple. You don’t have to be able to do anything for me, or give me a certain amount of attention per week. I have a friend who I don’t speak to for months at a time, but if he knocked on my door right now, I’d absolutely welcome him in, no questions asked.  

I don’t ask my friends to fight my battles for me or agree with me on everything. I am more than happy to agree to disagree on certain subjects. I don’t expect you to like the people I like, or dislike someone just because I do. Even Bakji, who is a very special friend indeed, you know the sexy romantic kind of friend, I don’t even expect him to keep the same company as me, or ditch people if I don’t personally like them as much as him.

You don’t need to message* me all the time, or invite me to everything you do to be my friend. All I ask is that we enjoy each other’s company when we have it. Whether we are meeting for coffee or going to a kink event. *Hilariously spell check wanted me to change this to massage, for the record I don’t requires massages for friendship either. 

I am not always a present friend. Before I get to be any other part of myself the thing I have to be first is a mum. My instinct is to keep my mothering very separate from everything else, so I won’t insist on my friends joining me and my small human on our many adventures. If however you are my friend, and you have a burning desire to come on our adventures you are very welcome.

This blog and the podcast also take up a huge amount of my time. It is quite honestly a full-time job. Between finding guests, social media endeavours, blog posts and recording, there isn’t actually a lot of time left in the week. Add to that the fact I have other writing projects I’d like to complete one day, and there is even less time left.

Then there’s Bakji, the person who get first dibs on my spare time, and I have no desire to change that. I enjoy my time with him immensely and it’s important to me that we keep our kinky fun alive, sometimes when all the podcasting is done, there’s only enough energy for cuddles. We have to work to make our kink happen sometimes, we don’t live together, the time we can spend together in a week is limited, so I think it makes sense that I’m keen to get sexy with him when the chance arises.

I also have a regular job, and a dad, and non-kink friends. I’ve had days where I’ve had plans and I’ve had to give them all up to go and do an unexpected school run due to illness.

Even when I’m doing all these things though I am always at the end of the phone. My whatsapp is always open. I’m happy to give opinions, listen to problems, hear exciting news, talk about the weather. Honestly whatever pops into my messages I will look at and I will answer.

I know that friendships change and evolve, we become better friends with some people, but other people not so much. Some friends become better over time, other people we grow apart from. This has never really struck me as a terrible thing, it’s just life. Have some friends left my life that I’d still like to hear from occasionally? Of course, but I don’t judge them or myself for their absence, it’s just one of those things.

In these days of social media we can follow a lot of our friends on a variety of platforms, nearly all my kinky friends are connected my one medium or another. I’ve had friends that were romantically involved no longer be so, where I’ve been closer to one than the other, I’ve never unfollowed a person on that basis though. I’m still happy to cheer them on and wish them well in life and social media is often a nice way to do that. Especially when so many of my friends are doing rope, seeing their rope journeys unfold is fascinating.

Part of my reflection this week though is whether or not I’ve got this whole friendship thing wrong, maybe I don’t put in enough effort, maybe I’m to carefree about what it means to be a friend. All because someone I knew I wasn’t that close to anymore saw fit to unfollow me and unfriend me on every common social media platform we have. It’s a not even a block, or a case of account deactivation. So I can still follow her should I want to, but she has no desire to see anything I’m saying or doing. It feels like a very passive aggressive way of ended a friendship, I would rather have had a frank conversation where I was called out for being a total bitch, if that’s the case.

Now I’m left wondering, ‘do I still click the love button on her posts’, or have I not done that enough? Was my friendship contingent on social media likes?

I feel like this shouldn’t matter, that I shouldn’t care. I think the reason it bothers me though is that the only real life friends or even acquaintances that I unfollow or unfriend on social media are ones that have a negative effect on me. So I’m left wondering did my presence in her life have a negative effect on her? If this was the case I would have liked my right to reply, so to speak, and been allowed to change any situation that I caused that made her deem me unsuitable friend material.

I don’t really censor myself here on my blog, and if you listen to the podcast you get a pretty accurate portrayal of who I am and now and again I’ll do a post like this that is quite hard, this issue is upsetting for me, I am sad that for reasons unknown I clearly made someone feel shit. So I’d love some feedback.

  • What is important to you in friendships?
  • What do your friends need to do to make you feel valued?

Maybe if I can gain a greater sense of what people are looking for in a friendship, I can understand where I went wrong.