Category: Self Reflection

Wicked Women

I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.

IMG_9080.JPGGrowing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.

When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community. 

When I began exploring non-monogamy I was a little bit unsure of how I would fit in. As an onlooker to other people’s dynamics and as a sometimes unicorn in other people’s dynamics, I started to form a very fixed view … ‘I need to be open to friendships with the women who I might encounter as metamours.’

Unicorn: Single, bisexual female who is willing to be involved with both members of an existing couple.

As a non-monogamous person, as opposed to an actively poly person, metamour might not be the best word for me to use, it is however shorter than saying ‘my sexy friend’s other sexy, but potentially more casual friend/s’, so we are going to use metamour for the duration of this article.

I have spoken briefly of the fact that in the early days of our relationship Bakji had a non-monogamous adventure that was hard for me in many ways. In hindsight and with a lot more knowledge about what I need from non-monogamy, I know that a good chunk of my issues stemmed from the lack of friendship between she and I.

At one point a mutual friend stated that it was because the other lady in question was ‘intimidated by me’. Okay fair enough, I was willing to work with that information and did my best at an event to start a conversation and try to build some kind of friendship with her. To be clear, she was straight, and I was not trying to find my way into their dynamic. I just wanted to know her a little bit. What she liked, what her hopes for the future were, who she was a person. 

I unfortunately formed some heavy judgement about her when she rebuffed my attempts at friendship. Even now, I don’t doubt that she was probably a lovely person, after all Bakji has pretty good taste, but I cannot get over the fact she was so willing to quite literally leave her marks on Bakji, while being intimidated by me, but could not find her way to even have a vaguely friendly conversation with me.

Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship.

I understand that even within polyamory, where feelings are often more developed and longer term, that some people do choose not to be close friends with their metamours and I place no judgement on those people. For me though, for my personal sanity and the way I am as a person, I need that friendship. We don’t have to be BFF’s and we don’t have to play together. I do however expect us to exchange pleasantries and be up front with each other about fancying the pants of the same person.

I had started to think I was alone in this. That the kind of relationship I wanted with a metamour was out of reach. Even in dynamics where this appears to be present, I have seen the underlying feelings definitely be something other than friendship. I don’t want to compete, or be scheming against someone.

Then we made new friends, and I met women who were like me. Women who seem to embrace other women and want to build them up. Some of the women I know in real life, some of these women I only speak to online. All of them I have oodles of love and respect for.

We have since the Autumn of last year been getting our non-monogamy on a little bit more and there have been so many moments that have made me smile both inwardly and outwardly, because it feels like I am finally meeting women who feel the same as me. Who don’t want to sneak around trying to woo Bakji, but are willing to be open and honest. Which is brilliant for me because then I get to tease him about it, and then is a huge thrill for me in our dynamic.

We currently aren’t looking towards polyamory, but as I keep saying to Bakji, never say never. If that day does come though I want the fact that there is two of us to be an asset to someone, not an issue. Even if it is someone I am not intimately involved with myself, I want her to know my door is always open, for questions, for worries, for sharing happy moments. Again that might not work for everyone, but I would extend that kindness to anyone I am friends with. To not offer to someone my partner was involved with seems baffling to me.

I mentioned women I had encountered online only and they are the ladies I’d like to talkIMG_9079.JPG about next. Through getting involved in memes like Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday and Sinful Sunday I have connected with so many wonderful people. I also have Twitter and Instagram to thank for helping me discover a whole host of awesomeness.

One of the things that struck me about the online sex and kink blogging communities is the huge amount of support that is offered to new writers, or new photographers as it is for Sinful Sunday. Now I will state that throughout all those memes the support comes from all genders. It was the interaction between other women that struck a chord with me though. Purely because it is so far removed from the experiences with women I had growing up.

I feel so lucky to have connected with people who are so committed to building up other people instead of tearing them down and it gives me faith in humanity and hope for future friendship building to know that ladies with a similar mindset to mine do exist. Women who want to encourage, support and create meaningful connections with other women without secretly trying to be their undoing.

I don’t want to name and cause blushes to anyone specific, in part because privacy is a thing, and also because I’m bound to forget someone. If you’re a participant of any of the memes I mentioned then I mean you, if you run those memes, I definitely mean you. If I follow you on Twitter and like your tweets, I mean you. If we’re Instagram pals and I’ve liked or commented on any of your pictures I mean you. If I like or comment on your blog posts I mean you. If I know you in real life and we’ve been on adventures together, I mean you. If I’ve frolicked gleefully with your boobs and smooched your face I mean you. If we’ve Whatsapped each other this week about sexy things, then I definitely mean you. To all the women who are in my life, this means you.

You are all wonderful and I think each and everyone of you is delightful. Thank you for your continued inspiration and support.

For those of you who don’t identify as female you are also fabulous and your support and inspiration is also valued, and I hope this blog post is received in the spirit it was intended. Not to exclude or berate other genders, but but to celebrate the beauty and spirit of friendship between women.


I am sharing this as part of Wicked Wednesday, please follow the link below to see who else is being Wicked this Wednesday and show some love for their work.

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Who else is being Wicked this Wednesday?

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#SinfulSunday: There Is Pleasure …

There is pleasure
In his pain
In his willingness
To submit
To the whims
Of a Sadist

There is pleasure
In the raw
Red
Welts
Of my desire
That shine so brightly
Upon his flesh

Continue reading “#SinfulSunday: There Is Pleasure …”

Do Feet Make You Frisky?

Feet? As a kink, you know what they say ‘your kink is not my kink and that’s okay’. Feet are icky, don’t touch mine. In fact don’t even think about touching them. Touch your feet? Hell no! Feet are not sexy.

-Quote from a very clueless me!

IMG_7947When I started my journey in FemDom it was fairly early on that I noticed a shift when it came to my viewpoint on foot fetishism.  Suddenly I noticed that actually having Bakji kiss my feet would be awesome. FemDom makes me feel like I am the Queen of everything and what Queen doesn’t deserve to have her feet kissed and massaged and generally fawned over at all times.

Continue reading “Do Feet Make You Frisky?”

The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends

For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote ‘(Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation’, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.

It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.

Continue reading “The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends”

#SinfulSunday: Advice From a Rainbow

Advice From a Rainbow 

Live a Colourful Live

Be an Inspiration

Bring Unexpected Joy

See Beauty in Life’s Curves

Be Someone to Look Up To

Live in the Moment

Reflect your True Nature

Unknown

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I don’t have any advice that is better than that of a rainbow. Seriously that advice is pretty much how I try and live my life. I do however have some thoughts on being yourself, sharing your true and awesome colours and shining bright and beautiful in your own unique way.

I believe that confidence is sexy.

Sometimes for me confidence is glitter, My Little Pony, tutus and rainbows.

I also believe that I am a kick ass FemDom and I have seen too many women say they can’t be the same because ‘they don’t fit the type‘!

Oh hell no!

You can be anything you want to be and don’t let the haters and the ‘one true way’ brigade tell you otherwise.

What I really want to be is a My Little Pony.

And nobody is gonna stop me!


This post was inspired by Sinful Sunday Please do visit the other submissions and show you appreciation with a like or a comment.

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Who else is being Sinful this Sunday?

 

 

 

 

 

Smut Marathon: My Thoughts (as a reader) on Round 3

IMG_7539.JPGWhen I entered the Smut Marathon I declared that not matter how long I stayed, or more appropriately how soon I left, I would continue to support the other entrants and blog about the contest and I am determined to stick to that.

Part of this is because I believe in supporting and encouraging other writers. However there is a more selfish reason for my continued support and that is personal growth.

I often read through writing memes like Masturbation Monday and Wicked Wednesday when time permits, and I will leave comments where possible on the ones I enjoy most. These are never critiques though, because I don’t believe in offering criticism however constructive, unless it’s asked for.

As I learnt from my two short rounds of the Smut Marathon, feedback is mighty useful, but sometimes hard to take. The usefulness of it far outweighed my discomfort at receiving it though, so I endeavoured to leave as much feedback as possible for the writers that remained in the competition.

My feedback does not come from a place of writing knowledge. I don’t talk about semi colons, line breaks, sentence structure or anything that remotely relates to the actual technical aspects of writing. I will leave that to the Judge(s).

All I can offer in terms of feedback is how I felt, personally, on a completely subjective level about what some wrote. I wondered at first if this would be helpful, and maybe to some people it won’t be, but I know for me it would be, and that is why I decided to offer my honest thoughts on every piece submitted to the last round.

For me, the whole reason I write, especially erotica, is to make people feel something. Sexy is mostly what I’m aiming for, but erotica can do so much more than make someone feel sexy. It can help people accept their kinks and encourage them to explore new-found desires. It can create dialogue between friends, couples and bloggers alike and as this recent round of Smut Marathon has shown it can educate and inform.

In terms of how offering this feedback help my personal growth, well that’s easy. Like most people, I want to be liked, I do not admit that very often though and I try to take a very ‘those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind’ approach to life. The interesting part of Smut Marathon though is I am offering feedback to people who do matter, at least they matter to me.

There are many bloggers I have connected with on Twitter, both prior to and because of the Smut Marathon. Many of them I would consider friends. I know lots of people don’t ‘get’ online friendships, but I do and those connections mean a lot to me. When the reveal is made and we find out who wrote which piece in the Smut Marathon it can be hard to see you didn’t exactly champion the work of someone you think a lot of.

That is why I think the initial anonymity of each round is such a good idea.  If I knew whose work I was commented on I don’t know if I could be as honest. In part because I think I would be swayed by knowledge of the person and their previous writing.

I’ve since read the some of the entrants thoughts on the feedback they’ve received and in some cases it has been hard because I’ve offered less than glowing feedback to people who are struggling with confidence in their writing or the Smut Marathon process or both, or an alternate issue. I hope though that none of my feedback ever comes off as ‘hey I’m right and that’s shit’. My thought process is more along the lines of ‘I have no idea what you were trying to portray when you wrote this (because I’m not you), but here is where I, as a reader, am at with it.’

Whether I voted for your Round 3 piece, or whether it didn’t resonate with in quite the way you might have hoped, I still think everyone did so well. That was a tricky assignment and I was honestly a little bit relieved I didn’t have to tackle it. I did have a little think as to where I might have gone with it and I decided that it was nowhere good. I’m very forgiving of imperfections, unless they are my own, so you probably would have got a character sketch of what I perceive to be my worst flaws and that is certainly not going to be erotic.

Voting for the next round of Smut Marathon doesn’t open until 29th April. As always those of following do not know what the next assignment is, but I cannot wait to find out and give the entries a thorough read. Please keep your eyes peeled for social media announcements that the voting has opened, and even if you can’t leave lots of feedback, I know that all the writers appreciate every vote they are given.

 

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A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Trigger Plans.

Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.

Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone

For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.

Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.

It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.

Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.

To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing,  specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.

Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.

Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.

As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:

  • Physical affection and closeness
  • Being in company
  • Being left alone
  • Food and drink
  • Staying warm and cosy
  • Peace and quiet
  • Talking things through
  • Taking their mind of it
  • Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc

Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.

IMG_7094It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.

When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.


This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on May 7th and is titled ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

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