Category: Polyamory

Wicked Women

I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.

IMG_9080.JPGGrowing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.

When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community. 

When I began exploring non-monogamy I was a little bit unsure of how I would fit in. As an onlooker to other people’s dynamics and as a sometimes unicorn in other people’s dynamics, I started to form a very fixed view … ‘I need to be open to friendships with the women who I might encounter as metamours.’

Unicorn: Single, bisexual female who is willing to be involved with both members of an existing couple.

As a non-monogamous person, as opposed to an actively poly person, metamour might not be the best word for me to use, it is however shorter than saying ‘my sexy friend’s other sexy, but potentially more casual friend/s’, so we are going to use metamour for the duration of this article.

I have spoken briefly of the fact that in the early days of our relationship Bakji had a non-monogamous adventure that was hard for me in many ways. In hindsight and with a lot more knowledge about what I need from non-monogamy, I know that a good chunk of my issues stemmed from the lack of friendship between she and I.

At one point a mutual friend stated that it was because the other lady in question was ‘intimidated by me’. Okay fair enough, I was willing to work with that information and did my best at an event to start a conversation and try to build some kind of friendship with her. To be clear, she was straight, and I was not trying to find my way into their dynamic. I just wanted to know her a little bit. What she liked, what her hopes for the future were, who she was a person. 

I unfortunately formed some heavy judgement about her when she rebuffed my attempts at friendship. Even now, I don’t doubt that she was probably a lovely person, after all Bakji has pretty good taste, but I cannot get over the fact she was so willing to quite literally leave her marks on Bakji, while being intimidated by me, but could not find her way to even have a vaguely friendly conversation with me.

Metamour: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship.

I understand that even within polyamory, where feelings are often more developed and longer term, that some people do choose not to be close friends with their metamours and I place no judgement on those people. For me though, for my personal sanity and the way I am as a person, I need that friendship. We don’t have to be BFF’s and we don’t have to play together. I do however expect us to exchange pleasantries and be up front with each other about fancying the pants of the same person.

I had started to think I was alone in this. That the kind of relationship I wanted with a metamour was out of reach. Even in dynamics where this appears to be present, I have seen the underlying feelings definitely be something other than friendship. I don’t want to compete, or be scheming against someone.

Then we made new friends, and I met women who were like me. Women who seem to embrace other women and want to build them up. Some of the women I know in real life, some of these women I only speak to online. All of them I have oodles of love and respect for.

We have since the Autumn of last year been getting our non-monogamy on a little bit more and there have been so many moments that have made me smile both inwardly and outwardly, because it feels like I am finally meeting women who feel the same as me. Who don’t want to sneak around trying to woo Bakji, but are willing to be open and honest. Which is brilliant for me because then I get to tease him about it, and then is a huge thrill for me in our dynamic.

We currently aren’t looking towards polyamory, but as I keep saying to Bakji, never say never. If that day does come though I want the fact that there is two of us to be an asset to someone, not an issue. Even if it is someone I am not intimately involved with myself, I want her to know my door is always open, for questions, for worries, for sharing happy moments. Again that might not work for everyone, but I would extend that kindness to anyone I am friends with. To not offer to someone my partner was involved with seems baffling to me.

I mentioned women I had encountered online only and they are the ladies I’d like to talkIMG_9079.JPG about next. Through getting involved in memes like Masturbation Monday, Wicked Wednesday and Sinful Sunday I have connected with so many wonderful people. I also have Twitter and Instagram to thank for helping me discover a whole host of awesomeness.

One of the things that struck me about the online sex and kink blogging communities is the huge amount of support that is offered to new writers, or new photographers as it is for Sinful Sunday. Now I will state that throughout all those memes the support comes from all genders. It was the interaction between other women that struck a chord with me though. Purely because it is so far removed from the experiences with women I had growing up.

I feel so lucky to have connected with people who are so committed to building up other people instead of tearing them down and it gives me faith in humanity and hope for future friendship building to know that ladies with a similar mindset to mine do exist. Women who want to encourage, support and create meaningful connections with other women without secretly trying to be their undoing.

I don’t want to name and cause blushes to anyone specific, in part because privacy is a thing, and also because I’m bound to forget someone. If you’re a participant of any of the memes I mentioned then I mean you, if you run those memes, I definitely mean you. If I follow you on Twitter and like your tweets, I mean you. If we’re Instagram pals and I’ve liked or commented on any of your pictures I mean you. If I like or comment on your blog posts I mean you. If I know you in real life and we’ve been on adventures together, I mean you. If I’ve frolicked gleefully with your boobs and smooched your face I mean you. If we’ve Whatsapped each other this week about sexy things, then I definitely mean you. To all the women who are in my life, this means you.

You are all wonderful and I think each and everyone of you is delightful. Thank you for your continued inspiration and support.

For those of you who don’t identify as female you are also fabulous and your support and inspiration is also valued, and I hope this blog post is received in the spirit it was intended. Not to exclude or berate other genders, but but to celebrate the beauty and spirit of friendship between women.


I am sharing this as part of Wicked Wednesday, please follow the link below to see who else is being Wicked this Wednesday and show some love for their work.

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I Wish I’d Taken the Photo

I wish I’d taken the photo.

He’s lying on his back, one arm at his side, the other folded under his head. The fact it is post sex means he is beautifully naked. Exactly as he should be all the time in my opinion. The gym sessions are showing, muscle definition is popping in all the right places. In all honestly I want to have the sex all over again as I look at him.

I wish I’d taken the photo.

Why is it then, if he is so glorious, that I am thinking of you?

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Erotica – Just Like a Lamb

He is such a good boy. Waiting. Patiently.

He looks fucking glorious, and he is glorious to fuck. Collar on, he kneels in the centre of the room. You arrive first as planned and we continue to adorn him with his accessories of submission. Ankle and wrist cuffs, his harness and for the time being a blindfold and a gag.

Our eyes meet as we stand either side of him and I’m compelled to touch you. The collusion in planning this for him has brought us closer together. I am delighted to find you are as wet as I am as my hand reaches under your skirt. My finger moves between your slick and inviting labia … and the doorbell goes!

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Erotica – Cool Shower

‘It’s too fucking hot. I’m going for beer, anyone coming with?’

‘Count me in.’

With that we were two men down, and it was just us girls keeping each other company. I hadn’t noticed just how sweltering the heat had become, until their departure had pulled my attention away from my almost coma like sunbathing. I become aware of the sweat dripping from my body, and as I look over at you, I realise I am not alone.

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5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

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#SoSS – Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

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Communcation. It’s Not Just For The Poly People

I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently not very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have for getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is re-framing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

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