Category: Podcasts

[#SoSS] It’s All About Me

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On Saturdays I usually do a #SoSS Saturdays post and I will be including an element of that in this post, but I’m also going to be very Floss focused. Self promotion can be a really tricky thing to do, but right now self promotion and pushing myself forward as a worthy candidate for things is quite literally putting food on the table.

As some of you know, but many of you might have missed, I am no longer in the employment of the tattoo studio I was working for. The simple reason being is the man running it showed his true colours one too many times and I stood up to a bully. I will not be a verbal punching bag for anyone, and quite frankly it makes me uncomfortable watching someone else allow that to happen to them and that was the situation I was in. So I left. Whether I was pushed or whether I jumped is up for debate, but either way I have no job.

As I was only going my apprenticeship and due to the nature of the tattoo industry in my town walking into a similar position will be extremely unlikely and may no pay the bills quick enough. Due to the nature of my Instagram and the topics I discuss here and on the podcast I often get asked for certain services, such as; nudes, cam work, phone sex, key holding services and much more.

Continue reading “[#SoSS] It’s All About Me”

[#SoSS] New Kids on the Block

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Setting up a blog is fairly easy. There a wide range of platforms where you can have a blog set up in minutes. Feeling your a legitimate blogger and not an imposter though is much harder. When asked why we write, many of us will give answers that revolve around doing it for ourselves, myself included. While that is true, I think once you start putting your words on a public platform, it is also nice to know you’re not talking into the void.

When I comment on the various memes I get involved in, especially Sinful Sunday because I endeavour to view and comment on every picture, I often notice that some of the newer participants were getting far less comments than the regulars. I understand not everyone can dedicate the time to comment on every image. Or every blog post if it’s Wicked Wednesday or Masturbation Monday, I myself can’t always do that because  reading is far more of a time commitment than viewing images. Quick shout out to Friday Flash as well because I’ve also recently given that a go for the first time. 

Continue reading “[#SoSS] New Kids on the Block”

[Review] Nexus Revo Prostate Massager

When I received the email from Lovehoney to say we were receiving the Nexus Revo Slim Remote Controlled Rotating Silicone Prostate Massager in exchange for an honest review, I was delighted. I couldn’t wait to tell Bakji and he too was excited, as we both hoped this product would advance our adventures in prostate play.

IMG_6704Currently our best experience has been with the Lovehoney Desire Luxury USB Rechargeable Remote Control Prostate Massager, but the Nexus Revo promised so much more, and at the double the price I really hoped it would deliver.

In terms of aesthetics, both packaging and product are appealing. A storage pouch is also included, though having previously had two Nexus controllers break, I am inclined to keep this product in the box, just to be on the safe side.

My first thoughts on the Revo were that is feels lovely, the silicone is soft and smooth, and it feel like a good quality product. The vibrations felt nice and strong in my hand, and the rotating shaft felt like it might be a bit of a game changer in terms of prostate stimulation.

As with our previous Nexus product the controls are also easy to use, and charging is simple and effective. Charging time in somewhere under an hour, and play time is around 90 minutes. The added bonus for some people is that it is also waterproof, which not only makes it easy to clean, it can also be used for sexy bath time or shower adventures, which could potentially work out really well for those people who are worried about anal play ‘accidents’ but still really want to explore.

When the time came to use the Revo in a sexy way, we were all set. Bakji was restrained, in what i must admit was a really fun position, involving our suspension point, our gym bench and lots of rope.  I had lots of lube, my sexy medical gloves were on and we were ready to go. In terms of size, and ease of insertion this toy was great, it’s not overly daunting, and would likely be a nice first prostate massager based on that criteria. So in it went and with baited breath I turned the Revo on ….

…. Oh! Bakji’s reactions are not as intense as I’d anticipated. I immediately noticed that the vibrations and rotating shaft didn’t have the instant effect that some of our other vibrating butt plugs and prostate massagers tend to have. I tried a variety of approaches, leaving just the vibrations on, focus more on the rotating shaft, but all in all I just had a feeling it wasn’t blowing his mind, and it certainly didn’t make him blow his load. That was me, credit for that scenes ejaculation is all mine.

While we did use the Revo throughout our scene, my thoughts had turned from lots of excitement to slightly anticlimactic. Our scene was awesome and super sexy, but I couldn’t help but feel the Revo hadn’t enhanced it as much as I’d hoped. When discussing the product with Bakji afterwards he seconded my thoughts.

While the rotating shaft wasn’t at all unpleasant, he mostly knew it was one because he could hear it, as opposed to being able to feel it. It certainly wasn’t giving him the prostate massage we were promised.

The vibrations that stimulate the perineum are good, but don’t seem to stimulate as well as other products, and not really any better than holding one of my own vibrators against that area. Which I do often, so have a fair few memories of it working really well. The best part of the perineum vibrations was when I sat against it and used it for clitoral stimulation, which because the vibrations seem to be focused more on the out part of the product actually work really well.

We also had a bit of an issue with it staying in place, and it seemed determined to slide out, which isn’t great as the idea of something like this for us is for my hands to busy elsewhere while the prostate massager does its thing. While this does happen with a variety of anal toys, we have had great success with other, lower cost products staying put.

Unfortunately when you weigh up cost versus effectiveness this product absolutely falls short. The words ‘intense p-spot massage’ are used in the product description on Lovehoney and there really wasn’t anything intense about it at all. It was definitely pleasant, and it is far from being an awful product, it’s good, but for what it costs I really do want it to be great.

If you’re new to prostate and/or anal play, don’t want anything too powerful and haveIMG_6703.jpg £149.99 burning a hole in your pocket then by all means give this a go. To be honest though it wouldn’t be our top recommendation.


This product and others will be featuring in a future episode of #ProudToBeKinky, where myself and Bakji will be discussing some of the products we have recently used and the experiences we have had with them. If there are any products you would like to hear us discuss then please do let me know, you can also contact us if you have a product you would like to send us in exchange for an honest review.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

There Aren’t That Many Good BDSM Podcasts

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When we finally released #ProudToBeKinky to the public it had been over a year since I’d started discussing it with Bakji, and even longer since he had envisioned the initial idea. By the time anyone heard our first episode we’d already put a ton of work into it to make it as good as it could be, for our abilities at that moment in time.

A year later and we’ve learnt a lot about both podcasting, and ourselves. The episodes we are putting out now are of course better than they were in the beginning, our passion and our desire to make a great podcast though has remained the same, we have both always been determined to make #ProudToBeKinky the very best it can be.

The reason we do that is because we feel, rightly or wrongly that we have something to share with those people who listen to us. It’s the same reason I write, the same reason people make movies or TV shows, we have thoughts and ideas that we feel might entertain, inform or support other people. 

I think at some point every person hosting a BDSM podcast has heard something akin to the following, ‘I love your podcast, it’s the best BDSM podcast, there really aren’t many other good ones’. Now don’t get me wrong, when someone says they like us best, that is awesome, I love being in that top spot for people. It makes all the effort and sacrifice we put into making #ProudToBeKinky worthwhile, knowing that people are enjoying it and getting something out of it. However, for me there’s another side to that statement that makes me feel less awesome, and that is knowing and listening to a lot of other BDSM podcasts.

We all have our preferred approach to things, some of us will enjoy a more serious approach to kink, some of us will want to hear about high protocol, other will be keen to hear about switching, some of us love guest episode and other will prefer hearing the hosts only. Just because a show isn’t a good fit for you, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not a good show for someone else.

We all, myself included consume podcasts for free. Unless you are kind enough to contribute via a Patreon page or similar, as some of our listeners are. Even then though, your access to the content is not tied in with that contribution, at any moment you can stop supporting your chosen podcast and still enjoy the show. That podcast though, for the people who create is not free, in terms of both money, time and personal sacrifices.

When someone is telling me that another BDSM podcast isn’t that good all I can think about is the time and effort they put into making their show. How much they love it, how much they want their listeners to enjoy it, how excited they are when they get good feedback. I know they aren’t personally hearing the negative things I am, but my heart always sinks for them a little bit, because I know just how much of ourselves we plough into the world of podcasting.

For myself and Bakji podcasting features in our lives every single day. Between planning future episodes, finding future guests, editing recordings, promoting episodes on social media, planning and creating Patreon content and generally thinking of ideas to make the podcasts even better, there is always something for us to do and something for us to discuss. Whether we are in the mood or not, there are days where we just have to plough through and get certain tasks done. That will often include recording with guests at peculiar times, including early hours of the morning, or recording with each other instead of doing something that might be a little bit more intimate.

I’m not saying we should have our favourites, or that we shouldn’t stop listening if we’re not feeling a show and I’m well aware that sometimes there are issues that make a podcast hard to enjoy. I’ve personally stopped listening to podcasts for a variety of reasons, but I’d still give those podcasts a massive high-five for even attempting what is actually a mammoth task. Starting and maintaining a podcast becomes a way of life, it might begin as a hobby, but for most of us I think it becomes so much more.

BDSM is a wide and varied topic, many of us have our first experiences in a wild haze of sub-frenzy often learning some hard lessons along the way. The beauty of podcasts is that those of us who are so inclined to can share our experiences and hopefully people can use that as information to find their own way with their own kinks and fetishes. I think the variety of BDSM allows for a wide range of voices to weigh in with their take on things, provided of course they do so in a responsible manner.

That is why I try my very best to listen to and recommend other Kink podcasts. Even the ones that aren’t my favourites, so long as I’ve listened to them and know they aren’t providng dangerous or questionable advice, because I know that for someone they might be the podcast of choice.

If you’re waiting for me to get to my point, here it is, podcaster’s are awesome and we need love, okay that wasn’t my intended point, but I think it is valid. With that in mind I’m going to ask you a huge favour, if you’ve got a favourite podcast whether it’s kinky or not, whether it’s mine (it so should be) or not, please show them some love. Leave them a review (if your podcast app allows it) if you haven’t already and never hesitate to reach out to them and support them, whether that’s with an email, a retweet or by supporting their Patreon where possible.

To show that I don’t ask for things that I’m not willing to do myself, here are some of my favourite kink, sex or polyamory podcasts. In no particular order though, I am not telling you who my numer one is.

Off The Cuffs

Loving BDSM

Black People Kink

The Dildorks

Polyamory Weekly

Multiamory

Life on the Swingset

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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When Real Life Interferes with D/s

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


This one I know all about. Obviously you all know I have a blog, and a podcast. Both of which are time-consuming. I also have a 5 year old son and a non-kink evening job to help pay the bills. I also have a Dad I like to see regularly, friends I like to connect with when I can and family members of the little one I take him to see. I also have a Bakji and together we like to get to as many Fetish events as we can, and rope jams, and the odd munch here and there. So as you can imagine life gets in the way of my kink, all the goddamn time!

I wrote ‘Quickies, Not Just For Sex’ a while back, which was in part prompted by a kink drought of about 3 weeks. Where we just couldn’t seem to find time to schedule in any play. After that stint we both resolved that it couldn’t happen again. For us that stretch of time involved no kink and no sex. Both of which are fairly important in terms of creating intimacy. Of course there were kisses and cuddles, but they only go so far. I do love them though don’t get me wrong.

Last week we spent more time together than any other week since we’ve been together, but it was filled with podcast research, podcast recording and very much felt more like business than pleasure. While we did fit in some kink towards the end of the week, I must admit it didn’t quite feel like it was enough to address the balance. So this weekend I really felt like it was important for us to spend some time together without too much podcast action, and with a definite presence of kinky and sexy fun.

I had a scene planned in my mind, and I was all set to go full on FemDom and really put Bakji through his paces. When the time came though, the vibe wasn’t right. I had a feeling a more sensual and playful session might be more fruitful, so I opted out of my planned scene and changed pace a little. Sometimes real life getting in the way means you can lose your rhythm a little bit, and connecting and feeling close felt more important than getting to do my scene as planned.

I think D/s can be a bit of a double-edged sword when it comes to keeping things going while real life continues in flurries around us. On one hand you can have small gestures, rituals, protocols that can keep the kink alive each day. However I think if these are occurring daily without the intimacy of a scene/play session/sexual play happening alongside this somewhat regularly it can make things start to feel like habit rather than something you do for pleasure.

No matter how busy life gets, and trust me I know it can get hella busy, I think sometimes you have to be a little bit ruthless and just say enough is enough we need some goddamn kink. We had the opportunity to go to an event this weekend, and as fun as that would have been I had to be honest and tell Bakji that I really wasn’t feeling it. That what I actually needed was something a bit more intimate than an event with hundreds of other kinksters.

I think it can sometimes be hard to be the person to speak up and say, ‘I actually need x or y kind of time from you’, but doing so it really the only way to make it happen. Also, sometimes our partners might need to hear that. Hearing that someone wants to spend that quality time with you, and values and craves the intimacy you have together can be a wonderful reassurance, especially when things might have gone off the boil a bit.

Bakji and I are very conscious of how we spend our time together, especially now we do so many productive tasks together. Sometimes we only have a small amount of time one day a week, after I finish work at 9pm to do anything kinky together. Often the last thing I feel like doing is getting sexy, and taking charge of a kinky scene. It is always worth it though. Even if we only do a short scene, it is always better than not doing anything at all.

It’s easy to become convinced things need to be elaborate and long-winded, some of our most fun things have been impromptu and short-lived though. One of my favourite memories happened when we were taking the pictures for the FemDom and Fetish FunIMG_3688 (1) artwork, in which my shiny bum made sexy things happen in Bakji’s pants and the only polite thing to do was pull them down and give him a handjob until he jizzed. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t elaborate, but it was fun, sexy and intimate.

I don’t have all the answers when it comes to navigating real life and still finding time to get kinky. What I do know though is sometimes it only takes one person in the partnership to take the initiative and awesome things can happen. I also know that sexy times can often arise out of sensual and loving acts. Running someone a bath, making them dinner and giving them a nice massage can ease away some of the stresses and strains of real life, and can often make way for more pleasant feelings.

With all that said though, I think there are some days when what we really need is to say ‘I just can’t kink, but I would really love a cuddle’. Part of what I love about the journey Bakji and I have been on since we started exploring our kinks together is that it has helped me learn to communicate on a much better level, I’m far less afraid these days of admitting that sometimes life gets a bit too much and often that means I need a little bit of looking after.

Real life really can interfere with kink dynamics, of all formations, but more often than not I think our kink dynamics can make real life a whole lot easier to deal with.

Talking About Kink To A Vanilla Partner

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I did not get this right. Not at all. I also see people getting it wrong all the time. So many messages on Reddit, Fetlife, Lovehoney etc, the main theme of them being, ‘how can I get partner to do x, y or z with me.’ Hint: You don’t. You ask, you talk, you explore with consent. You don’t plot and scheme ways to coerce and wear a partner down until they say yes. Whether your kink is anal sex or bondage.

If you are kinky, and to your knowledge your partner isn’t then please tread carefully. Remember that you’ve had time to think about these things, your partner has not, they will need time to process, time to decide and time to learn, if they wish to experiment with you. Have resources at hand that they can look to for initial answers, and be willing to answer all their questions, even the ones that might hurt a bit.

Be willing to compromise and start slow. You may well have a whole scene planned in your head, where you partner is Dominant, taking full control, restraining you, spanking you, using toys on you, perhaps you fancy some humiliation or sensory deprivation, that is a lot to process for someone who identifies as not kinky. They might however be willing to do some light bondage while teasing you with a vibrator. Don’t be disappointed that it isn’t everything at once, be grateful they are willing to try.

I’m not proud of the fact that when I realised I was kinky I just assumed my partner at the time would be into it as well. He wasn’t, at all. He tried, and some things went fairly well, some things left me feeling a bit icky afterwards. He was very sweet to try though, and I don’t for one second blame him for not getting into it. Kink is not his thing. I do however wish I’d been more gentle with asking for and introducing kink. As it turns out that relationship is no longer going, and we are still great friends. I wish I’d understood though how jarring it is to have a partner suddenly drop the kink bomb on you.

You may have been with the partner you are sharing with for a month, a year or a decade. You may have a thriving sexual relationship and you might be planning for a blooming future together. This does not mean they owe you your chance to get kinky though. If they aren’t into it and don’t want to do it, you can’t force them and you shouldn’t want to. Their enthusiastic consent is paramount, whether it’s for a spanking or a sexual act.

My next opinion might not be popular, but I truly believe that if you are so kinky you can’t imagine living your life without it, and your partner is not kinky and doesn’t really want to be. Instead of figuring out how we can coerce them into it, we should be figuring out how we can part ways with the least amount of destruction and heartbreak possible. I know that this hurts, I know it’s hard to make these decisions, and I know because I did it. It is not fair to anyone though to live a life that may end ultimately in resentment. Whatever the issue is that might cause that. I’m not saying this is the solution for every person, but it will be the solution for some people, like it was for me. We should not be shamed if this is our choice.

If however you have a non-kink partner who is eager to explore with you, brilliant. Do let them take things at their own pace though and be prepared that they might discover kinks of their own that you weren’t prepared for. Even if they discover that they had a kinky side after all, there’s no saying that your kinks will align. Kinks are many and varied, and the ones we are into can take us by surprise.

When it comes specifically to D/s, if you harbour ideas of high protocol or a 24/7 D/s dynamic, again this will not happen overnight, even if your partner is up for giving it a go. I would highly recommend getting our onto your local scene and meeting people who have similar dynamics, online communities offer a huge amount of support and resources too. Signing up for something similar to 30 Days of D/s is great you can both talk through what each topic means to you and identify what might be most important to you both in a D/s dynamic.

It would also be remiss of me to recommend checking out some podcasts. Part of why we started #ProudToBeKinky was not only for kinksters looking to get information on how to get out and about to make friends within the community, but also to make it accessible and friendly for those who are kink curious. Other podcasts like Loving BDSM are great for learning about a more specific dynamic, and again they are not going to be terrifying to someone who is simply curious and looking to learn.

Don’t run before you walk though, and don’t be angry with yourself or each other if you make mistakes. Whether that is in terms of D/s or general kink activities. When you’re learning things might go wrong, or certain things might not be a good fit. If you keep talking to each other though and being honest about what is going well and what isn’t feeling so great, over time you should find your own rhythm and you own way of doing things.

At the end of the day though many, many people are not kinky and that is 100% okay. As much I support people and their desire to get their kink on, I also support people and their desire to get their vanilla on. I used ‘vanilla’ in the title of the post, but there’s a reason I didn’t use it throughout the blog post. I try really hard to not use it in what could come off as ‘ugh, vanilla, how crap’, which does unfortunately happen sometimes in the kink community. Vanilla is valid, and it’s yummy and no one should be shamed for not being kinky. Someone might not be full on kinky, but they might well be vanilla with chocolate sprinkles and that can be a lot of fun too.

Quickies, Not Just For Sex!

Myself and Bakji have started a spin-off podcast called ‘FemDom and Fetish Fun’ initially the plan was to release it to the general public, but after some feedback from our kind Patrons on Patreon we have decided it would be the perfect thing to offer then for their support. They are shorter than our normal episodes of #ProudToBeKinky, coming in at anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, and they detail the kind of kinky shenanigans we get up to. The first one will be available on iTunes for a couple more weeks, as it takes time to get these things taken down.

In the latest episode we recorded for ‘FemDom and Fetish Fun’, which will be released to our Patrons at the end of this week, we touched upon something that I felt I wanted to share with you lovely readers.

The last couple of weeks have been chaotic here, podcasting has very much taken precedence, and our kinky sessions were severely neglected. Which is ironic considering that interest is what lies behind the decision to start a podcast. We also had some late nights due to events, which always leaves us feeling pretty worn out. Add to that parenting duties and day jobs, and we were left saying ‘there just wasn’t enough time for kink.’

 

I am a little bit cross with myself for falling prey to this belief though. There absolutely was time. What it needed though was for one of us to make time, and I’m not talking hours and hours of exploring every kink we’ve got. I’m talking minutes of time to reconnect in a kinky way, and not let the gap between sessions become so big.

A few weeks back we were doing the artwork for ‘F&FF’, which as it happens is a picture of my Latex and fishnet clad bum, with Latex gloved hands in the shot too. While I was not dressed for a kinky session, Bakji still ended up with his pants down, as he was subjected to a handjob. That whole exchange did not last more than 15 minutes. No restraints, no toys, no planning. It was still fun and kinky though. It’s moments like this I plan on making more use of.

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I speak to a lot of people about what constitutes a scene for them, and yes a lot of the time many of us enjoy planning something more in depth, and it’s often fun to include quite a few components. Sometimes though time and life does not allow for the elaborate and extended sessions. So what do we do when that is the case? Unfortunately it seems like many of us revert to ‘there just wasn’t time’ and do nothing.

In my own life though I am proposing a change. I’ve decided that if Bakji has got 10 minutes to spare to tell me a funny story from his school days, then he’s also got 10 minutes to get kinked up. Even if all that involves is sitting on his face and telling him what I’m going to do to him when we have more time.

I appreciate that the above plan may not work for everyone, but have you got your own kinky quickie that you could or do incorporate into your days?

For me personally I also have to remember that non-kink and non-sexual physical affection are also important. I’m not a naturally cuddly person, and I think in past relationships the lack of emphasis I put on cuddles, hand holding and general physical closeness was a huge factor in why I sometimes felt disconnected from previous partners. So while I’m not always the instigator with hugs and kisses, I do try my very best to give them out as often as I can.

So with you guys as my witness Bakji is going to be getting more bursts of random FemDom heading his way, including impromptu facesitting, just because handjobs and oodles of hugs and kisses. I will update soon on how well the new regime works.

The Importance of Trust in BDSM

I was perusing Twitter today via the #ProudToBeKinky account and I saw a tweet from @KinkAcademy, you can see the tweet here, the quote from it though was as follows.

‘The more trust two people build in each other the more intense and rewarding the play can be’

I quoted the Tweet, adding that I felt it was something that is often overlooked in the scene and that in my experience there is a lot of truth in the statement. I pondered on this long after I had done that tweet. Reflecting on my personal relationships, who I’ve trusted, why I trusted them and how it worked well and where it went wrong. 

For many of us, especially those of us who enter the scene as a single person with little to no previous experience of BDSM, our first instinct when joining the kink community is to ‘do’, not to watch, not to learn, but to actually do the kink. A phase of our kink journey that will often be referred to as frenzy. It is a very real prospect, no matter where you fall on the kink spectrum. I think sub-frenzy is the aspect we talk about most, but Dominants/Tops are not immune to this.

When we are in the grip of frenzy, the level of trust we need in someone seems to be vastly reduced, or our trust is misplaced because we are not seeing things with as much rationality as might be warranted. I think in those early days many of us romanticise BDSM, feeling it should be organic and instinctive. When for many of us the best BDSM experiences come after a lot of communication, very unsexy negotiations and a lot of planning.

I made my own errors when it came to who I should trust and how much I should trust them. When I met CheshireCat_MMH and MasterMHatter, I was floundering somewhat. I had a hell of a lot to learn at that point, but I couldn’t seem to stop and breathe long enough to see that. I talk a lot about the journey I have taken with Bakji, but my journey to meeting him began with these two friends.

Meeting them allowed me a safe space to figure lots of things out. Some of those things included negotiating limits, using safe words, crying mid-scene, for both catharsis and for triggers, safely pushing boundaries and so much more. I learnt to use my words, that it was okay to turn up and say ‘well life is shit today, I can’t do rope’, and I wouldn’t be met with frustration or anger, but instead a coffee and a hug. I learnt that you could transition from play partners to friends, and not be cast aside. I learnt that this communty was about so much more than doing the kink, it’s about friendship, love, laughter, honesty, communication and trust. I learnt to trust my kinky friends in a way I had never quite managed with my non-kink friends.

They also introduced me to lots of awesome people, one of which as I’ve mentioned so many times before was Bakji, and with him my understanding of how important trust in your partner is has deepened even more. When Bakji first message me on Fetlife asking if I would like to rope bottom for him my trust in him meant that I trusted him enough to invite him into my home and I would be safe, I trusted him to not do anything insane, or to hurt me. I trusted him because he had social proof, people knew him and liked him, he seemed courteous, and I wanted to get to know him better.

Over time my trust in him, and his in me grew, and we explored more things together. I trusted him in public scenes, knowing that he would be my eyes and ears, and my judgement when I was in subspace and less capable of being aware of my surroundings. I trusted that I could end scenes, or opt out of kinky play entirely and he would not be cross. For almost a year this was where our trust level was at, and I never really considered whether or not it could or would develop more.

In truth though, in that first year I made it absolutely clear I had no interest in us Switching. I would not be a Top in any way, shape or form. However, this wasn’t because it didn’t interest me, it really did, but my confidence in that area had been shaken and I couldn’t believe that if I Topped Bakji it would work out well. I assumed it would just be a disaster.

It was his actions and his nature that made me trust in him enough to pick up my rope and take those tentative first steps into being a Rope Top. His encouragement and his obvious enjoyment meant I grew to trust him enough to fully explore the Toppy side of myself. My trust in my friends also played a part in this as well. I felt awkward and embarrassed in those early days of learning rope. I was so self conscious about doing things wrong, both with the rope skills and my approach to Topping. I had to take a leap of faith though, and trust that my friends would not judge me, which they definitely did not. They were nothing but encouraging and accepting.

Once myself and Bakji started Switching we revisited our Fetish Checklist and I think this is when we reached another level of trust and exploration. It can be tricky when filling out a Fetish Checklist, the temptation to try and tailor it to your partner so you don’t admit to something that might scare them off is fairly common, we reached a point though where we just took the plunge and said exactly where we were at with things, and it was a massive success. That’s not to say all our kinks align perfectly, they don’t, but there has been no ‘What? You’re into that? Gross/weird/don’t touch me’. I don’t feel rejected because Bakji doesn’t want to do some of the things I like, I just feel pleased I can admit I like them and not be judged for them

Over this last year, with our FemDom explorations firmly underway, the ways in which we trust each other have definitely evolved. I feel safe both physically and emotionally, I trust that Bakji has my back in both manners. I trust him as both a bottom and a Top. Which means we can push our play in new directions, and I don’t feel a sense of panic in case it doesn’t work out. There are things on our todo list that we may well reflect upon afterwards and say ‘well that wasn’t as sexy/fun/kinky as I thought it would be’, and that will be okay. Even if one of us loves it, and one of us doesn’t, it will still be okay. Because we trust each other to both be honest about it, and to react accordingly to the others feelings.

The journey I have taken both individually and as part of a pairing with Bakji to get to this point hasn’t always been easy, there have been times I’ve felt immensely vulnerable and fearful, there’s been anxiety over things I need to communicate and I’ve worried for far too long over things that ended up being irrelevant because I didn’t communicate sooner. These have all been opportunities to learn and grow though and with each hurdle that has been overcome the trust has deepened, the kink has intensified and life has become so much fun.

Weekend Round-Up: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions speak louder than words. What an unfortunate title for a blog post in which I use my words. Bear with me though, somehow, despite the fact I am writing after only 3 hours sleep, I will have a point. I hope!

It’s not often I do a round-up of my weekends. Despite the fact that recently they have been pretty full on. Unless you are actively there though the accounts of them would end up becoming a little repetitive, and that is no fun for a blog. This weekend though the fun we’ve had feels very reflective of the ethos of the podcast, and I really wanted to share with everyone that we really do practice what we preach.

In nearly every episode of #ProudToBeKinky that we have released we have made one or both of the following points; 1. Go to a munch, 2. Go to fetish events. Yes there is normally more to those points, like, go to a munch if you want to make kinky friends, and try and go to the bigger fetish events with someone, and we try our very best to offer information that will make doing those things seem a lot less daunting.

I often worry though that you guys sat at home listening to us might be thinking, ‘well that’s easy for you to say, you have each other’, and in part you’d be right. Making friends as a duo is not without its difficulties though. It’s also worth bearing in mind that both myself and Bakji joined the kink community as singletons and met each other on the scene, through our awesome kinky friends that we met at our local munch. So we did indeed make those first few steps all alone.

It was as a couple though that we started going to London for events, which takes us anywhere from 2 hours to 4 hours depending on which motorways they’ve randomly decided to close. By the way, thanks a lot M3 for yesterday’s diversions! They were an absolute joy! The reason we persist with the travel, is because we wanted to meet more awesome people and experience a wider variety of events.

There were many events that we went to where we spoke to no-one new. We enjoy each other’s company, and we can easily entertain each other with conversation and play. Which means we didn’t always push ourselves as much as we could have done to make friends. Perhaps by virtue of the podcast though we finally made those vital next steps in making new friends, which is actually much harder than it sounds. So we absolutely appreciate that these things are not easy.

Last night though we went to a brilliant event, SlapStick Club, (you can find out more about this event in Episode 23 of #ProudToBeKinky) and we had people we knew to say hello to, and very lovely people they are too and in June we are heading to an event in Brighton with another couple of friends who we met at a totally different event in Kent. It has taken us time, a year in fact, but we are now getting to enjoy events with people who we can chat to, exchange ideas with, maybe do a little bit of rope with and generally have a really brilliant time.

Friendships take time to build, and you need to invest in them as much as you do any other relationship, but it’s so much fun getting to know people and starting new adventures with awesome people joining you along the way.

So next time you’re listening to the podcast and we are saying for the millionth time to get to a munch or fetish event, remember our actions support our message and we only bang on about it so much because we just want everyone who is listening to us to have the kind of people in their life that will make it truly amazing.

Other Peoples Kinks & The Words We Use

The words we use are really important. How we phrase what we want to say can make or break a conversation. How many times have we all heard someone say ‘I don’t mean to be rude but …’? As we know, most of the time the comment that follow is rude, and usually unnecessary. When it comes to kink the phrase is usually ‘I’m not judging but …’. Guess what? If you feel the need to point out that you’re not judging, then you probably are. I am aware that sometimes that judgement isn’t meant with any malice, but depending on who hears, it could well be misconstrued. Especially if shared in writing across the internet. 

When we join the kink scene, for many people it is the first time they are in an environment where they are accepted exactly as they are, without having to omit some part of themselves. Yet so many of them same people will, within this safe environment, vilify other people’s kinks.

I read something today where someone unknown to me posed the question: ‘What kink made you go ‘OMG people actually get off on that?’ Then proceeded to say they weren’t judging but they’d just read up on Queening and they couldn’t believe people get turned on by that! Maybe I was being sensitive, seeing as I’m a huge fan of this, however the reason it resonated with me was how many times I’ve heard similar conversations about different kinks. As I say I don’t know this person, maybe they are the sweetest loveliest person, and just explained their question poorly. The replies poured in though, lots and lots of replies with what kinks other people found ‘icky’ or ‘weird’ or ‘gross’. Kinks that will be very much a turn on for plenty of people. 

My own personal rule of thumb is, I don’t know what kinks people are still coming to terms with, I have lots of kinky friends. Many of whom are very open about their kinks, but that doesn’t mean they are open about them all. I have kinks I am interested in, but am yet to explore that I don’t talk to anyone but Bakji about. So when I hear someone go ‘No way, that’s gross/makes me feel sick/is plain weird’, I can’t help but wonder if someone else in the room has just had their kink made fun of and maybe in that moment they will decide never to tell anyone about it, just incase it isn’t well received. 

Obviously some kinks are more likely to cause this than others. I personally am not into Scat as a kink, and as far as I know I do not know anyone who it. Will it stop me being your friends if you are though, not in the least. Will I be open to listening to why it interests you, sure thing. Could I engage in it with a partner? Not at all. I can still be supportive of someone engaging in it with another consensual adult though, if it’s not hurting anyone what difference does it make to me? I understand it is a very emotive kink, but for someone, somewhere it is a very realy part of their kinky life, who are we to judge that?

I’ve been in a conversation where foot fetishism was disparaged by someone, at the time I was only just becoming curious about it, but I knew for sure at least one other person present was really into it. I personally couldn’t care less if people who I’m not intimate with don’t like my kinks, but for people who are less confident or who are seeking validation from their peers, these kinds of comments can be really damaging.

These kinds of comments by non-kink folk are a large part of why people don’t come to munches, or why they hide their kinks from partners. To actually make your way into the community and find yourself still on the receiving end of these comments must be really disheartening.

I’m not saying I’m perfect and have never placed judgement on kinks I’ve come across, of course I have. As a person with thoughts I am making judgements all the time, what I do with those judgements though is what is important to me. What I try really hard not to do is voice negativity. Positivity though, hell yeah, I’m all over judging you positively and saying so. Cute picture on Instagram? I’m saying so. Have you inspired me? I’m saying so. Has your kink got me wanting to try something new? I’ll tell you so. Have you made me curious? Questions will be heading your way. Am I going to point out that I don’t like your shoes though, or can’t really get my head around you kink, no chance. 

I think this was probably the ethos behind the acronym ‘YKINMK’, ‘Your Kink Is Not My Kink’, often followed by ‘But That’s Okay’, and other variations thereof. However more and more I am seeing ‘YKINMK’ used as way to point out someone isn’t into that other person’s Fetish. Almost as if they’re sat at their keyboard after stumbling across a picture and it’s really not there thing, and instead of just moving on, they feel they have to say something, they can’t just say ‘Wow that’s odd’ or ‘Can’t believe you’re into that’, because that would be rude and kink shaming. So instead they say ‘Your Kink Is Not My Kink’, just so everyone knows.

This honestly baffles me, I’d guesstimate 90% of the pictures I see on Fetlife hold no interest for me, for a myriad of reasons, when I don’t enjoy them i just keep clicking and perving until I find one that makes me hit the love button. And no, I don’t mean my personal love button you perverts. Okay sometimes it’s my personal love button, but can you blame me? Some pictures I find are really hot.

I really would love for anyone who wants to join the scene to feel like they will be entering a safe space to discuss all their consensual kinks, whether they are popular or more unique. I’d also love for people already in the scene to feel like it’s okay for them to open up discussions about new kinks they might have developed.

This is part of the reason I jumped at the chance to be involved with the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast. It is a great platform for us to be able reach people who might otherwise be doubtful that they will fit in if they join the kink community. Especially if they have seen a comment from someone somewhere saying ‘I can’t believe anyone would actually be into that’, while trying to find validation or information for their kink.