Category: Nonmonogamy

[TMI Tuesday] Three Is The Magic Number

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It’s been a while since I joined in with TMI Tuesday, but I really do find it a fun way for my readers to get to know me better. Hopefully with more time to blog now I will be getting involved on a weekly basis. Please do consider getting involved and take a look through the other blog that are joining in.

1. ​You can only keep 3 things: (pick and explain your choices)

Coffee
Jewelry
Books
Chocolate
Wine or Beer
Netflix
Tacos

Books, Chocolate and Netflix. Books because I think the world would be a much duller place if I didn’t have the wonderful writing of other to explore. Chocolate because I have a crazy sweet tooth and the thought of never eating chocolate again makes me feel quite sad! I try to eat it moderately but when I do eat it I LOVE it. Netflix because it’s the only access I have to T.V shows (I don’t own a Television), and sometimes it really is just nice to relax with a bar of chocolate and a few episodes of something I enjoy. Gives my brain a bit of a break from the thinking it seems to do constantly.

Continue reading “[TMI Tuesday] Three Is The Magic Number”

[Life] Wicked Women

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I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.

IMG_9080.JPGGrowing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.

When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community. 

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[Kink] The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends

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For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote ‘(Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation’, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.

It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.

Continue reading “[Kink] The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends”

[Erotica] I Wish I’d Taken the Photo

I wish I’d taken the photo.

He’s lying on his back, one arm at his side, the other folded under his head. The fact it is post sex means he is beautifully naked. Exactly as he should be all the time in my opinion. The gym sessions are showing, muscle definition is popping in all the right places. In all honestly I want to have the sex all over again as I look at him.

I wish I’d taken the photo.

Why is it then, if he is so glorious, that I am thinking of you?

Continue reading “[Erotica] I Wish I’d Taken the Photo”

[Erotica] Just Like a Lamb

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He is such a good boy. Waiting. Patiently.

He looks fucking glorious, and he is glorious to fuck. Collar on, he kneels in the centre of the room. You arrive first as planned and we continue to adorn him with his accessories of submission. Ankle and wrist cuffs, his harness and for the time being a blindfold and a gag.

Our eyes meet as we stand either side of him and I’m compelled to touch you. The collusion in planning this for him has brought us closer together. I am delighted to find you are as wet as I am as my hand reaches under your skirt. My finger moves between your slick and inviting labia … and the doorbell goes!

Continue reading “[Erotica] Just Like a Lamb”

[Erotica] Cool Shower

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‘It’s too fucking hot. I’m going for beer, anyone coming with?’

‘Count me in.’

With that we were two men down, and it was just us girls keeping each other company. I hadn’t noticed just how sweltering the heat had become, until their departure had pulled my attention away from my almost coma like sunbathing. I become aware of the sweat dripping from my body, and as I look over at you, I realise I am not alone.

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[Kink] Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

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Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

There are many branches of non-monogamy, some of which are more familiar overall than others, but all of which are misunderstood by anyone not well versed in them. Cuckolding is no different. Within the kink community anyone who is engaged with cuckolding, if doing it in a healthy manner, will have consent from all parties involved, boundaries and/or limits they adhere to and lots of communication.

There are as many ways to conduct a cuckolding relationship as there are people into it. It isn’t one size fits all and we shouldn’t assume everyone does it for the same reasons. Yes many men who identify as a cuckold will be into humiliation and that will be huge part of the dynamic with his partner, however many men will not engage in the humiliation element of cuckolding and their dynamic will focus on other aspects that cuckolding can encourage.

The paragraph above was very gender specific, which is something I normally try to avoid, but I specifically went there because when most people think of cuckolding they think of a cisgendered heterosexual man, whose wife or certainly female partner is cheating on him with another man or multiple men. As with most, if not all kinks though, cuckolding does not have to be, and is not gender specific. People can be into cuckolding no matter their gender, sexuality or kink identity.

If It Isn’t Always About Humiliation, What is It About?

Validation of Choices – Have you ever felt pleased when someone complimented you on a new purchase? Be that shoes or car. Knowing someone else is attracted to your partner can cause that same feeling. That isn’t to say that this kind of validation is needed for people to love or be attracted to their partner, but it can certainly enhance arousal.

Power Exchange – Being stripped of your ability to have input while your partner engages in sexual activity, while you not only get none for yourself but may also be ‘forced’ to watch as they fuck someone else can be an extremely arousing situation for some people. It is worth repeating that these kinds of dynamics need clear negotiation and explicit consent before being embarked upon.

Sexual Arousal – For many people it is arousing to see their partner or hear about their partner being sexual with another person. There will be no more or no less to it than that.

Exploration of Taboos – Exploring and experiencing things we have grown up being told are wrong can be a really powerful sexual motivator. Cuckolding lends itself well to many people exploring a lot of societal taboos.

Escapism – As with many kinks, engaging in cuckolding will be a way of letting go and escaping the everyday for many people. That isn’t to say there aren’t 24/7 lifestyle cuckolds, of course there are. There are probably more casual cuckolds though who simply enjoy it when they can to take a step away from daily grind for a while.

Chastity – Lots of men are into chastity. Not all of them are into cuckolding. However, for some men into chastity one of the things that makes being locked away even hotter is knowing that other penises are free to fuck the woman that owns their very locked up cock.

Humiliation – Why have I have saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.

Cuckold? Really? Can We Have Another Word?

The origin of the word cuckold comes from the Cuckoo* bird’s habit of laying its eggs in another birds nest, therefore the unwitting bird will raise offspring that is not its own. Originally being used to refer to men whose partners were deceiving them by sleeping with another man, or men who were unwittingly raising another man’s offspring. With means that it is a somewhat imprecise term for many people who are into cuckolding.

IMG_7318.JPGAlternatives are thin on the ground though, and probably don’t provide many better options. HotWife lifestyle is probably the only other descriptive that offers similar activities but without the associated negative connotations of its roots being in infidelity and humiliation. However I am well aware many people would not feel it is suitable for them, and I am neither supporting nor condemning it.

*Because disclaimers are all the rage I feel obliged to mention that not all species of Cuckoo do this. I do not want to offend any non-cuckolding Cuckoos or any Ornithologists.

When it comes to terminology, there are some options but again I don’t think they feel like the right fit for everyone. Especially if gender specific terms are not appropriate or wanted.

Cuckquean – Female variant of a cuckold

Bull – Man with whom a cuckold’s partner is having sex

Cuckcake – Woman with whom a cuckqueans partner is having sex

What if you are the partner who is free to enjoy sexual encounters while your cuckold stays home or watches the fun in some cases? You may be a CuckQueen (note this is different to cuckquean), Cuckoldress or HotWife. Interestingly male versions of these terms do not seem to exist, so make of that what you will.

Surely If The Terms Don’t Fit Your Kink Is Something Else?

Yes and no. There is a specific element of cuckolding that you don’t get with other branches of non-monogamy or kink. While your partner is fucking someone else, you aren’t. You’re not fucking them and you’re not fucking anyone else either. Maybe you’re watching, maybe you’re sat at home alone or maybe you’re at work knowing your partner is getting their kicks anywhere but with you. Why someone is turned on or content with that might vary, but the specific nature of cuckolding means that you are not providing the sexual pleasure.

Perhaps if we saw more positive and honest examples of this particular kink we would be able to move away from the negative and sometimes incorrect assumptions that usually come with it.

Floss Is Wrong and She’s Ruining My Life

Wow! Sucks to be you then.

On a more serious note I realise that for people who live this lifestyle I may not be supporting the truths of how they view cuckolding and what that means to them. Unfortunately though no matter who you are or what your kink is, it is going to evolve and cuckolding is no different.

It is evolving and as such demanding people do it in one particular way is going to achieve nothing. The ‘one true way’ BDSM folk are dwindling, though still existing I grant you that, because their reluctance to accept new and/or alternative ideas makes them seem unpleasant and elitist.

Surely someone understanding, supporting and embracing something even if only from time to time is better than them having no outlet for their desires and being unfulfilled.

Before, during and after I wrote this I perused cuckolding forums and cuckolding groups on Fetlife and Reddit to ensure I wasn’t making any absolutely absurd claims. I do not want to misrepresent anyone, and I do not speak for the entire kink community on this blog, what I do want to do though is challenge people’s assumptions of a wide variety of kinks and try to encourage more acceptance of not only kink in general, but for kinks that may not be our own.

My blog mainly reaches people who are new to kink and are looking to learn and as such I try present my information in a way that is supportive, non-judgemental; and will hopefully give people a starting point for what may or may not be their kink. For that reason it may not match your own experience if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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[Life] 5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

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Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

Continue reading “[Life] 5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy”

[#SoSS] Share Our Shit Saturday (on Sunday)

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I’ve been following and re-tweeting #SoSS (Share our Shit Saturday) for a little while now, but this is the first time I’ve joined in with my own post. If you would like to know more about the movement amongst bloggers then please read the awesome post by ErosBlog for the lowdown.

As much as I love supporting and championing other bloggers, especially those that writeIMG_6383 about kink, sex and other things much of the world still deems inappropriate for grown adults to discuss online, I am often terrible as getting round to reading as many posts as I’d like to. However with my recent decision to get involved in the Smut Marathon, I’ve found myself carving out more time to visit other writers and I want to share some of the posts I’ve read this week.

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[Life] Communcation – It’s Not Just For The Poly People

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I read something on social media this week that got me thinking about how some my blog posts might be perceived, and wanted to talk about it a little more. The summary of the post was:

“I get really annoyed by all this ‘polyamory’ advice about communicating. Monogamous people need to be doing that too. Communication is for everybody, not just for the poly people.”

Before I go any further, I 100% agree with this. Communication is for everybody, we should all be doing our very best to learn to communicate better and more efficiently, not only with partners but with friends, colleagues and the world in general. Here’s the thing though, we don’t. Lots of people, myself included, have not always been, or are currently not very good at communicating our thoughts. Especially if those thoughts are about a difficult subject matter.

Many of my past blog posts can be summarised by the sentence ‘Bakji and myself had a great time because we communicated well with each other’. I don’t for one minute think we’ve unearthed some unknown secret that other people are unaware of, but I do think we’ve made a conscious effort where many couples don’t. I once again include myself in this as previously terrible communicator.

I’m far from being a poly/non-monogamy expert, or a monogamy expert for that matter either. What I have noticed from personal experience and I touched upon this in my last post, is how certain situations can make it easier to neglect communication. Monogamy unfortunately seems to be one of those situations for many people. Within the safety of exclusivity and long term partnerships, I think it can be easy to become complacent about how much effort we need to put in. We take it for granted that our partner will be there no matter what, or we worry that speaking out we will cause them to leave. Alongside many other varying thoughts that are not conducive to encouraging good communication.

When you start inviting other people into your relationship, whether that is in romantic terms or purely in sexual terms, the wiggle room you have for getting communication wrong diminishes greatly. Not only do you have another person’s or people’s feelings to consider, you also have to consider your feelings towards them, and you will be engaging in activities that invite all sorts of feelings and thoughts into your mind, that do not seem as relevant within a monogamous relationship.

As an example, let’s tackle the big one that is the go to feeling people ask about when you say you’re in some form of non-monogamous relationship, jealousy. Yep the big, horrible J word. Plenty of monogamous people identify as jealous. Jealousy is a huge cause of arguments within many relationships. It is really common for someone to say ‘I could never be non-monogamous I am such a jealous person.’ One of the really useful things I learnt when perusing polyamorous resources is re-framing the feeling of jealousy. You are not a jealous person, you are a person who feels jealousy. It is not a defining characteristic, it is a feeling that highlights other issues.

When you are monogamous it’s easy to just be jealous, to put restrictions on the person or action making you feel jealous, and because of the implicit agreements that monogamy is often accompanied by your partner is likely to agree. We all know someone who has had an opposite gendered friend, but their partner got jealous and the friendship was deemed inappropriate. Whether anything was happening or not is more often than not irrelevant, the feeling of jealousy is enough to shut it down for good.

In non-monogamy/polyamory, you have agreed with your partner that other people will be a factor in your relationship. For people who are truly and genuinely committed to non-monogamy as part of their life turning round and saying ‘I’m jealous, this won’t work’ isn’t an option, because they want to work through that feeling and they want to find out what good things might come from the other people they invite into their life.

So what do we do when that happens? We talk. We talk a lot. We own our feelings, we don’t hide from them, we say them out loud in all their horrible and ugly glory and we deal with the deeper issues that are making us feel jealous.

I’ll be honest, I’ve been jealous since I’ve been with Bakji. It wasn’t pretty, it made me feel terrible and I was ashamed to admit how I felt. The reason I felt jealous? I was out of the loop, I didn’t know what was happening with his other interaction and it made me feel scared. This coincided with me realising just how deep my feelings for him were, and I didn’t want to confess that either. I felt lost in a limbo where all the feelings I had were perceived by me as awful and I was convinced that if I spoke them out loud I would definitely lose him, not only as an intimate partner but as a friend. So I kept quiet, and it never got better. That dynamic ended before I worked up the nerve to confront my feelings with Bakji, but what I learnt from that experience was invaluable.

For a long while I didn’t get to put those lessons into practice because neither Bakji or I were playing with anyone else, and it was actually kind of nice, it gave us time to explore each other in new ways and deeper ways, and we didn’t have the additional complications of other relationships to add to the mix. Monogamy in the long run has never been an option for us though, so when we came to exploring with others again I knew for sure I needed to do it better this time.

I took a deep breath, braced myself for an implosion of awful conversation and just started talking. I asked question, I gave opinions, I said what would be too much for me, and what would be super hot. I said what people had caught my eye, and pointed out when I thought someone had caught his eye and we were honest about wanting to get sexy with other people and it all became so much easier to process. The talking, the honesty, the relief in knowing you can open up and it be okay, goes a long way to making you feel better about the worries you might have and especially when the worries you have can increase tenfold when you know your partner will be going on a date with someone else or fucking someone else. It can be awesome, but that doesn’t stop it being hard, and ignoring the shitty feelings doesn’t make it easier.

That is why anyone who has any type of non-monogamous relationship goes on and on and on about communication, because it isn’t enough to communicate once, you have to constantly be making sure you are both on the same page. Even from day to day our needs can change, and that’s okay, but it’s not fair to get mad with a partner for not considering those needs if they didn’t know you had them. This doesn’t mean clamping down on them having fun, it might mean checking in more regularly at a play party, it might mean extended aftercare, or extra cuddles. The things we need to make us feel safe and secure aren’t always big scary impediments to having a good time.

This is why non-monogamous and poly folk come back to communication, time and time again. If I could give anyone in a relationship, who was looking to improve their communication, one bit of advice it would be to read blogs and books geared towards polyamory. It’s true that a lot of the information won’t be relevant, so much of it will be though. As someone who was in a long term monogamous marriage for 10 years, and for the most part I would say that was a good and wonderful relationship, I wish I’d had the tools available to me now, back then. There is so much I could have applied to that relationship from non-monogamous resources.

In a nutshell I, and I think most non-monogamous folk, don’t think we are superheroes for figuring this communication malarkey out, but without it our relationships are not only doomed, but the feelings we will end up having to deal with are hideous. I feel like this is case in monogamous relationships too, but for some insane reason we seem to be taught that it’s okay to just put up with those feelings, and that keeping things from our partner is somehow better, because heaven forbid we upset the apple cart.

Seriously take the apple cart, tip it over, throw the apples away and buy strawberries instead. Say the scary stuff, be terrified, hold your breath as you await their response, cry with relief when they say it’s all okay. Then hug each other, love each and fuck each other to celebrate coming through it as a team. If for some reason you lose someone because your honesty wasn’t what they wanted to hear, then I’m pretty sure their apple cart wasn’t worth the effort to keep tidy and in order anyway.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

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