He’s lying on his back, one arm at his side, the other folded under his head. The fact it is post sex means he is beautifully naked. Exactly as he should be all the time in my opinion. The gym sessions are showing, muscle definition is popping in all the right places. In all honestly I want to have the sex all over again as I look at him.
I wish I’d taken the photo.
Why is it then, if he is so glorious, that I am thinking of you?
I’m thinking of you because I want you to see him, as he is in that moment. I wish I had taken the photo I envisaged in my mind, convincing him to let me take and share it, might have been two very hard battles to win, but I think I could have offered a persuasive argument.
I know he wants you to want him, and oh my, you would have wanted him so hard in that moment.
I wish I’d taken the photo.
I can feel your name on my tongue, both post sex and during. I can feel you slipping into my mind as we fuck, wondering where you might want to be, where he might want you and where I’d like you. There’s is a look he gets, and a shift in atmosphere when your name lingers in the air and it makes my cunt twitch and my mind race with erotic possibilities. I want to make your cunt twitch too.
I wish I’d taken the photo.
There is so much I want to see and do.
I want to showcase him.
I want to show you the things I know will elicit the most sexy and joyful of responses from him.
I want to sit back as you tend to him in your own way, and see what new discoveries unfold.
I want you to do nothing, as together we navigate the pleasures of your body.
I want to deny him, as my fingers make you come, and my tongue revels in the taste of you.
I want to make him beg for you. I want to hear him say the words out loud for us both to hear.
I want to watch as he slides inside you, so I can see him from another perspective as he fucks you.
There are so many ‘wants’ that I am longing to explore. They are all percolating inside me, latching on to my every sense of arousal, consuming me beyond want and into aching need.
When I entered the Smut Marathon I declared that not matter how long I stayed, or more appropriately how soon I left, I would continue to support the other entrants and blog about the contest and I am determined to stick to that.
Part of this is because I believe in supporting and encouraging other writers. However there is a more selfish reason for my continued support and that is personal growth.
I often read through writing memes like Masturbation Monday and Wicked Wednesday when time permits, and I will leave comments where possible on the ones I enjoy most. These are never critiques though, because I don’t believe in offering criticism however constructive, unless it’s asked for.
As I learnt from my two short rounds of the Smut Marathon, feedback is mighty useful, but sometimes hard to take. The usefulness of it far outweighed my discomfort at receiving it though, so I endeavoured to leave as much feedback as possible for the writers that remained in the competition.
My feedback does not come from a place of writing knowledge. I don’t talk about semi colons, line breaks, sentence structure or anything that remotely relates to the actual technical aspects of writing. I will leave that to the Judge(s).
All I can offer in terms of feedback is how I felt, personally, on a completely subjective level about what some wrote. I wondered at first if this would be helpful, and maybe to some people it won’t be, but I know for me it would be, and that is why I decided to offer my honest thoughts on every piece submitted to the last round.
For me, the whole reason I write, especially erotica, is to make people feel something. Sexy is mostly what I’m aiming for, but erotica can do so much more than make someone feel sexy. It can help people accept their kinks and encourage them to explore new-found desires. It can create dialogue between friends, couples and bloggers alike and as this recent round of Smut Marathon has shown it can educate and inform.
In terms of how offering this feedback help my personal growth, well that’s easy. Like most people, I want to be liked, I do not admit that very often though and I try to take a very ‘those who mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind’ approach to life. The interesting part of Smut Marathon though is I am offering feedback to people who do matter, at least they matter to me.
There are many bloggers I have connected with on Twitter, both prior to and because of the Smut Marathon. Many of them I would consider friends. I know lots of people don’t ‘get’ online friendships, but I do and those connections mean a lot to me. When the reveal is made and we find out who wrote which piece in the Smut Marathon it can be hard to see you didn’t exactly champion the work of someone you think a lot of.
That is why I think the initial anonymity of each round is such a good idea. If I knew whose work I was commented on I don’t know if I could be as honest. In part because I think I would be swayed by knowledge of the person and their previous writing.
I’ve since read the some of the entrants thoughts on the feedback they’ve received and in some cases it has been hard because I’ve offered less than glowing feedback to people who are struggling with confidence in their writing or the Smut Marathon process or both, or an alternate issue. I hope though that none of my feedback ever comes off as ‘hey I’m right and that’s shit’. My thought process is more along the lines of ‘I have no idea what you were trying to portray when you wrote this (because I’m not you), but here is where I, as a reader, am at with it.’
Whether I voted for your Round 3 piece, or whether it didn’t resonate with in quite the way you might have hoped, I still think everyone did so well. That was a tricky assignment and I was honestly a little bit relieved I didn’t have to tackle it. I did have a little think as to where I might have gone with it and I decided that it was nowhere good. I’m very forgiving of imperfections, unless they are my own, so you probably would have got a character sketch of what I perceive to be my worst flaws and that is certainly not going to be erotic.
Voting for the next round of Smut Marathon doesn’t open until 29th April. As always those of following do not know what the next assignment is, but I cannot wait to find out and give the entries a thorough read. Please keep your eyes peeled for social media announcements that the voting has opened, and even if you can’t leave lots of feedback, I know that all the writers appreciate every vote they are given.
These questions are from this weeks TMI Tuesday. If you would like to get involved then follow the link below and you will find all the questions and information on how to get involved.
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future, what would you want to know?
Crikey, that’s deep. I think what I’d like to know most of all right now is if the things I’m working towards will come to fruition and if they will make the difference I hope they will. Not only for myself but the people I am hoping they will have positive effects for.
What do you value most in your sex life?
Well my sex life, is more of a kink life, or an intimacy life. What I value most about my physical interactions with Bakji that includes all those things is the honesty, the exploration and the connection it has given us. I am regularly moved by how far we have come and how wonderful it is that we have found so many amazing things to share together. This includes venturing into non-monogamy as well, and I also value the wonderful connections and intimate friendships I have made with some truly wonderful people.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
Wow! Scary question. I think this is something that will vary massively from person to person. For me it often depends who is making the joke and what their intention is. I realise though that for many people that is irrelevant and certain subjects should be left well alone. The topics that I really don’t find funny to joke about couldn’t triggering for people just by reading them, so I’ll keep this one annoyingly vague. I will say though that sometimes I had a totally inappropriate and dark sense of humour, which doesn’t always sit well with people, but being able to laugh at awful things has got me through some tough times.
If you had to move to a state or country besides the one in which you currently live, where would you move and why?
Well I love where I live, but as we all know the U.K is going a bit loopy at the minute and as much as I love the U.S.A they’re in loopy territory too it seems. Canada seems pretty sane at the minute, so maybe I’d give that a go. If I had to live somewhere else in the U.K I’d probably go with London, then I’d be near lots of my lovelies and we could go on more adventures together. Although it has been winter here for what feels like an eternity, so maybe I should pick somewhere sunny and glorious.
Are you too nice?
Definitely not. Don’t get me wrong, I am nice, and maybe I’m nicer than some people but I’m a million miles away from being too nice. Some days I really do gives zero fucks and I work with the general public which means I often want to scream in people’s faces. Usually I manage to smile politely and be awesome, but sometimes like last week, I have to tell a colleague to back the hell away from my personal space. So yeah, too nice is not a problem I have. P.S I’m still lovely, please still like me and my blog.
Bonus: Falling in love is _____ . (one word only)
Tough asks this week. I think for the bonus question I would have to go with the word ‘complicated’! I posed this question to Bakji, I was curious as to whether or not our thinking was similar and his response was my given name (which weirdly enough isn’t Floss). So he is adorable and I’m a big cynic.
When I first joined the kink scene I was fascinated by how many cat people there were. As a lifelong dog lover I had never owned a cat and was somewhat baffled by why people thought they were better than dogs. That said I am a huge animal lover and will cuddle anything that will pay me attention, including non furry friends like snakes and lizards. So it’s not that I disliked cats, I just didn’t ‘get them’ in the same way I did dogs.
When my marriage ended I sadly had to re-home my dog, it was unavoidable for many reasons and made me so sad. Thankfully she was re-homed quickly and I was certain to make sure she found a good home. While I missed her personality and seeing her little face each day I did feel a weight had been lifted due to being relieved of an additional responsibility.
Please remember this blog post is about mental health, so it is important to me that I am honest. I don’t want animal lovers everywhere thinking I tossed her aside because I didn’t like having to look after her. I loved her to bits, but dogs are hard work and when you aren’t in the best state of mind, looking after yourself is hard enough. Add a toddler and a very energetic dog into the mix and things begin to become a struggle.
I missed the companionship of having a dog and thought it would be wonderful when I was asked to dog sit for my Dad’s partner. I was wrong. Somewhere along the line the long term company of dogs began to raise my anxiety levels. I still love giving them strokes and attention when I visit, and there’s a dog at Bakji’s house that always makes me smile. When I have to be their caregiver though I start to crumble into a big ball of stress and anxiety. This is noticeable to point Bakji told me I should decline further requests to dog sit, in his serious and stern voice, that’s when I know something is in my best interest.
When my Dad asked me if I could take a cat into my home for a couple of months I was dubious. I absolutely thought it was going to stress me out, but she used to live in my flat (though not with me, but I was known to her) and it was assumed her owner would be absent for a fair while (hospital stay) and I felt sorry for her being in limbo. So she came to stay.
What happened was a surprise to me. Her presence in my life brought me a new level of calm. The cat cuddles and the purring made me feel so much better. When she left a lot sooner than we had thought she would I honestly felt a little bit lost, add to that my son had decided he too was very fond of having a cat in the house, I felt there was only one thing to do … we needed our own feline companion. I am fairly certain she brought some kind of cat voodoo with her, working her witchy cat magic on me so that I would fall in line with the cat plan to dominate the human race and turn us into their food and fuss minions.
Voodoo or not though, I started to think about the right kind of cat for us. I decided a kitten was out of the question. As cute as they are I felt like kitten frenzy might not be what I was looking for. I wanted a grown up cat, who was affectionate playful and good with children. I started gathering information for local cat re-homing centres and we soon found ourselves having a wander round one looking at all the cats that needed homes. I honestly thought it would take us a few visits to find our new friend and was prepared to take our time to find the right fit, for both us and the cat.
What happened though was we found Coco at the first shelter we visited. The moment we approached her door, she jumped down from her resting place and came over to say hi. When we went in to say a proper hello she was interested and friendly and I knew that she was the cat for us. She has been home with us since January 24th and it has been such a pleasure having her make our house a home.
She was an indoor cat before we got her, and while she has the opportunity to go outside now she isn’t that fussed, which means I have her company for most of the time I’m home. Seeing her little face when I return from work, or just having her wander into the room after a little snooze just lights me up.
I’ve been having lots of deep thoughts about how I feel love compared to other people, and how I recognise it and whether I connect with love and affection in the way I should. Loving a cat has proven to be free from all that complexity though and as a result seems to have made it easier for me to respond to loving people in a more positive manner too.
I love sitting with Coco and brushing her, she is super fluffy and needs brushing daily or her fur gets all tangled. Providing her with all her daily needs instead of weighing down on me seems to lighten my load somewhat. The kind of comfort and happiness she has brought into my life is quite childlike and innocent in its nature.
I think to anyone who doesn’t recognise how anxiety and depression can manifest, it’s hard to explain the mental shift having Coco has brought. I’d imagine that to many people this just sounds like the regular happiness of having an animal in your life. It has been more than that for me though.
Before I started taking the Sertraline prescribed to me by the doctor I felt like I was trapped down a deep, dark hole. I could hear the noise of the outside world above me, but I couldn’t find my way out of the hole to join in properly. The Sertraline helped me build a ladder, and step by step I started to find my way up, out of the hole and into the world. Every now and again I would find things along the way to strengthen the rungs of my ladder; exercise, supplements and healthy eating are a few of those things. Coco seemed to know a shortcut though. It’s as if she laughed at me for building a ladder, and pointed out there had been a door I could use all along, if I just knew how to find it. While I am still building and reinforcing my mental health ladder, I am also being guided through the door into mental well-being by my feline guide.
To anyone who thinks cat ownership (do not tell Coco I said I’m her owner, it so doesn’t work that way with cats) sounds wonderful and magical, it is, but let me be clear, she is still an arsehole, like virtually all cats it seems. She has forced me to rearrange my house, meows at the most inconvenient times, great if 4am wake up calls are you thing and basically seems to view me as her human slave. She is so flippin’ cute though that I’m happy to do as I’m told and follower her training regime to get me to be a suitable human for cohabiting with a cat.
Financially there is an investment too. Many of our local shelters no longer work on a ‘donate what you can’ basis when you re-home an animal from them. They mostly have set fees that allow them to continue doing the work they do, so they can find the best homes for the animals in their care. There is also vets trips, cat litter and food to consider, amongst other things. It isn’t a decision I made lightly, but it is a decision I am so thankful I made.
As an additional thought, for anyone who might read this and has been considering or is now considering giving a home to a cat. Please consider a black one. Our local shelters are made up of somewhere in the range of 60% – 80% black cats at any given time. The ones that aren’t black tend to be reserved and re-homed far quicker. When I saw how many black cats were waiting for homes there was not much chance of me taking home any other colour. I adore my black cat and what she lacks in colour variety she more than makes up for in personality.
I would love to hear from anyone who has found animals of any type to be a positive influence on their mental health. Links to blog posts you may have written on this topic would be fab too. While finding a feline friend is what works for me, I know that for many other people dogs are absolutely their saving grace and I want you all to know I am still delighted by pooches, just in a different way these days. Bunnies, guinea pigs, snakes, horses, chickens, ducks, pigs, cows, goats and many other animals also fill my heart with joy. I just don’t have the space for them all, so it’s just me and my cute as can be Coco for now.
Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.
As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.
In my last Smut Marathon blog post I mentioned that I had discovered lots of new blogs to enjoy through entering the contest. In response to that post someone asked if I would point my readers in the direction of these wonderful bloggers I’ve discovered so that they could visit their sites and enjoy them too.
#SoSS Saturday seems a brilliant time to champion some of my Smut Marathon favourites, both those that are still active in the contest and those who are no longer competing. I have included their ‘about me’ from the Smut Marathon website, so you can read in their own words what they are all about.
The results are in for Round 2 of the Smut Marathon, and the feedback is now available on the blog post containing our entries. I have not made it through to Round 3. While I am obviously disappointed, my feeling are overwhelmingly positive. Before I go on I will start with the entry I submitted. The original metaphor I used from the first round is in Italics.
The hot water cascades over his body, cleansing him as his ritual begins. Once dry he adorns himself with his symbols of submission. Reciting his mantra with every buckle he fastens. ‘I am bound to only you, I serve you with reverence and devotion.’ He is like the High Priest, called to worship at the temple of her body. I am their disciple. I bear witness to their passion, as I am baptised by the glory of their love.