My image this week isn’t of me, I asked my lovely friend if I could share a photo I took of her this weekend and I am delighted that she said yes.
Image via Pixabay
As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.
Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.
Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.
While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.
When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:
- What will everyone be like?
Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.
- Will they all be weirdos?
Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.
- Will I fit in?
More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.
- Am I kinky enough?
YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.
- Am I too kinky?
NO! There is no such thing.
- Do I need to know what I’m into?
Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.
- What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?
You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.
- What if it’s boring?
Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.
- What if it’s not for me?
It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?
You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.
Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership
Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.
Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.
Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.
I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.
In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.
Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.
My top tips for Fetish events would be:
- Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
- If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
- Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
- Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
- Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
- Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.
You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.
I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.
I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.
There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.
What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.
If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.
This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.
If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi
One of the events that gets mentioned most within the kink community is Torture Garden. When we started going to lots of London events I lost track of how many people asked us if we’d been, and were then surprised when we said no. There were two reasons I took my time in going, 1. I felt like I’d enjoy it more in a group and 2. I was really uncertain about the strict dress code.
This Halloween though we decided to take the plunge and off we went to our very first TG. Prior to going myself I’d heard various things about it, some good and some bad. All of which made me wonder exactly what I’d be walking into. The reality was that I loved it. In fact we love it so much we are going back in December. While I appreciate it won’t be for everybody, no event suits everyone’s taste, and TG is no different, for some of you it will be amazing.
First of all, I was 100% right about going with a group. Myself and Bakji have attended many events just the two of us, and that’s actually how we made some of the friends we went with to TG. At certain event you can mingle and socialise a little, at TG I do not see that happening unless you already know a few people. It is busy, it is loud and people are in hedonism mode, having fun and revelling in a good time, I don’t think sitting down for a chat with a potential new friend is on anyone’s agenda. I think if you went solo, you would feel really lost and probably never go to an event. If you are a couple that can entertain each other well, you will probably enjoy yourselves, ideally though I’d say gather a little group together and really go for it.
So we found our group (and what a lovely bunch of humans they are too), bought our tickets, had a place to stay for the night (God bless friends who have a spare room), all that was left was to find an outfit! AN OUTFIT! For Torture Garden! How could I ever compete with the wonderful flamboyant creations you have to have to set foot inside this most awesome of events? Well I got in, so apparently I cracked it. My advice for anyone looking to go to TG who is worried about an outfit would be as follows:
- Make an effort – if you are able to go all out and can invest both the time and money in a gorgeous creation, then go for it. Those outfits are a delight to view. If you can’t though you can still make a great outfit with key Fetish inspired pieces, working to the theme might help too.
- Make-up is your friend – Even if you’re a fella. Maybe especially if you’re a fella. Dramatic, all out make-up costs less than, dramatic all out Latex, but the effect can be incredible.
- Be hair raising (or raise your hair) – Dramatic hair is another thing that makes a huge impact on your look. I crimped my hair, and it went big and wild and it really suited the theme of the night.
- Latex – it frustrates some people that Latex is an automatic in to places like this (unless it’s stripy trousers, stripes are evil it seems), but if you’re new and uncertain Latex is a winner. Maybe combining it with awesome make-up, hair and accessories is a good way to make the extra effort.
- Plan ahead – give yourself time to order from online stores, do our research into a good outfit, and give it some trial runs so you know you’re happy with it.
- Pinterest – such a good place to get ideas for any outfit theme
- Use the TG email – Decide on what you’re wearing and you can actually email TG and ask them if it will be suitable, they have people ready and willing to give you advice so that you don’t get turned away.
For anyone wondering what I actually wore, I was too excited to remember to take a photo, so I will have to explain it. Bottom half was fishnet tights, with high waist Latex knickers over the top of them. Then on my top half I wore a long sleeved fishnet top, and my new Xenia bra from Twisted Lingerie. It wasn’t crazy elaborate but it felt sexy and I really enjoyed wearing it.
As I mentioned previously TG is loud and it’s busy, which leads me to a couple of other tips. Decide on a meeting place and know you can land their should you get estranged from your group, then if you’ve lost someone check in on the meeting place and make sure no one has been stood their for two hours waiting to be rescued. Once you’ve been a few times I’m sure it gets easier to navigate, but as a TG newbie it feels like a total maze, though I think we only have a few more event at this particular venue, so this might not be a valid point for alternate venues.
One unfortunate thing that happens when somewhere is very busy, is that it gets very hot, and when I say very, I mean VERY. Think gates of hell type heat, it was frickin’ warm people. If you are like me and are a bit susceptible to overheating, please take regular fresh air breaks and drink plenty of fluids, and not just the alcoholic kind, the water kind too. I forgot about both these things and did have a little attack of melting, thankfully we’d had an awesome time up until this point because it did mean we had to head home to bed, and it wasn’t a sexy heading to bed. It was the ‘Floss falling onto the bed dying and Bakji taking her shoes off’ kind of going to bed.
As I say though, up until that point we’d had an awesome time. I’ve often heard people say that while this is a kink event, and there are dungeon areas available, that sometimes the best way to have fun is just to focus on the kink less and enjoy the party. I think on the whole I would agree with this. That’s pretty much the approach we took and we have a great time. The beauty of an event like this though is that your behaviour can be overall more kinky wherever you are and it is in keeping with the vibe of the night. For example, forcing your partner to lick your nipples while sat on a bench in a normal club would be frowned upon, however at TG I don’t think anyone even noticed us doing this!
That’s not to say there isn’t room for kink, there was definitely plenty of that happening, and my bottom may have got involved in an awesome spanking, once again having kinky friends is awesome! I also discovered that simultaneously bottoming and Topping is actually a lot of fun! Thank you to the kind and sexy people who helped me discover this. On top of that we also danced a lot, I may have got a bit merry thanks to my old friend Southern Comfort and we generally just enjoyed the sexy fun and made the most of our first experience of TG. I could tell we had fun because when we woke up the next day there was glitter everywhere, neither of us wore glitter out, so coming home covered in it always indicates a lot of fun was had.
That pretty much covers our experience, as I say we loved TG and we will definitely be going back, December tickets have already been bought. If you’re still not sure if it’s for you, but you are curious please feel free to get in touch, you can use my contact form on this site or you can email me via firstname.lastname@example.org
N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
We’ve come to another subject about which I’m fairly passionate. Which is probably obvious from the fact I help host a podcast about the social and interpersonal side of kink. Myself and Bakji have probably lost count of how many times we’ve recommended people go to their local munch, or rope group or find their way to a Fetish event.
While I understand joining the local community isn’t for everyone, it is definitely the beginning of something amazing for many people, and for that reason if you are even a tiny bit curious about your local scene, I urge you to give it a try. It honestly could be the best thing you ever do.
While it isn’t perfect, thankfully Fetlife is actually quite wonderful for finding your local community. By clicking ‘Events’ on the Fetlife menu, you can select ‘Events Near Me’ and ‘Events Friends Have RSVP’s To’. Provided you have selected your actual location as your Fetlife location you will be given a lovely list of local events.
One of the reasons I initially decided to go to local kink social is because I was starting over in life. It had been 10 years since I’d been single, I’d had two disastrous encounters with individuals from Fetlife, and I really wanted more out of my fresh beginning. I decided that what I needed was friends. Yes a partner would be wonderful, but what I was initially seeking was friendship and the chance to learn about kink in general and kink on a personal level.
I was very lucky that at my very first social event, which was a lock-in at our local sex shop I met CheshireCat_MMH. This led to many wonderful interactions with a variety of awesome people, many friendships were formed, and I am pleased to say the majority of them are still in place to this day. Most wonderfully of all through that group of friends I met Bakji.
There are so many wonderful things and lovely people I wouldn’t have in my life if I hadn’t decided to find my local community.
Some of the common questions I see or get asked about the local kink/rope community, that are perhaps preventing people from going are:
- Can we go as a monogamous couple? Is there really any point if you’re not looking for a partner?
- Absolutely. Munches are brilliant for connecting with like-minded people, learning about new things and generally feeling free to be yourself. Yes it is a good place to go to make connection that might turn to more than platonic friendship, but it isn’t the be all and end all of the function of a munch.
- I haven’t got anyone to tie or tie me can I still go to the local rope event?
- Unless otherwise stated (as it might be for workshops), then yes, you can certainly go along without a rope bottom to tie, or without a rope top to tie you. Often group organisers can facilitate bringing people together to discuss potentially tying together, but there’s actually a lot you can learn by tying yourself. Alongside learning rope skills you can also socialise and meet new people.
- My age/body type/gender identity/physical abilities/specific kink might mean I won’t be welcome.
- Hell No! Sadly I’m sure there some shitty communities, but most and I hope it is the vast majority are really inclusive. And yes this counts for rope too. With a little bit of understanding and the desire to work together almost anyone can have an awesome rope experience. I say almost because I’m sure there some factors that mean someone can’t do rope play but overall most of us can.
- I want to go to a Fetish event but I don’t own the right kind of outfit.
- Yes you do. Honestly most people will have something in their wardrobe that they can fashion into a suitable outfit for a Fetish event. It is not the terrifying ordeal it seems like it might be. We actually did a whole podcast episode on this very subject as we felt so passionately about it not holding people back.
- I want to go to a munch but I’m shy/anxious/socially awkward.
- Then you will fit right in. Don’t for one minute kid yourself that everyone in the kink community is super confident with their shit together. The truth is we are just regular, everyday folk and we all come with our own insecurities, personal issues and idiocies. You know what though? That makes us a really interesting bunch and a fairly understanding bunch too. If you are particularly worried then get in touch with the event organiser beforehand and they can meet you at the door and be sure to introduce you to some people, so you aren’t left to your own devices.
Many people find the kink community and never leave, I personally don’t get to as many munches as I’d like to, but I get to far more Fetish events. Some people spend a good chunk of time in the community until they meet a partner and then they might not feel they need the local community any more. Other people might flit it and out, as and when for as long as they have an interest in kink. All of these approaches are valid.
It’s definitely okay to know that the local scene isn’t for you. If you have a kinky parner and you enjoy doing your own thing at home, that’s absolutely a valid way to kink. If you’ve ever been curious about your local community though and have constantly talked yourself out of going, stop, right now and give it a go. If it’s rubbish, you need never return. If it’s awesome though, you might just have the best time of your life.
You can read more posts about my thoughts on munches and experiences in the scene in the following posts:
- Reddit Inspired: Munches … Why Do We Go?
- Rope, Friendship & the Joy of New Things
- Weekend Round-Up: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Actions speak louder than words. What an unfortunate title for a blog post in which I use my words. Bear with me though, somehow, despite the fact I am writing after only 3 hours sleep, I will have a point. I hope!
It’s not often I do a round-up of my weekends. Despite the fact that recently they have been pretty full on. Unless you are actively there though the accounts of them would end up becoming a little repetitive, and that is no fun for a blog. This weekend though the fun we’ve had feels very reflective of the ethos of the podcast, and I really wanted to share with everyone that we really do practice what we preach.
In nearly every episode of #ProudToBeKinky that we have released we have made one or both of the following points; 1. Go to a munch, 2. Go to fetish events. Yes there is normally more to those points, like, go to a munch if you want to make kinky friends, and try and go to the bigger fetish events with someone, and we try our very best to offer information that will make doing those things seem a lot less daunting.
I often worry though that you guys sat at home listening to us might be thinking, ‘well that’s easy for you to say, you have each other’, and in part you’d be right. Making friends as a duo is not without its difficulties though. It’s also worth bearing in mind that both myself and Bakji joined the kink community as singletons and met each other on the scene, through our awesome kinky friends that we met at our local munch. So we did indeed make those first few steps all alone.
It was as a couple though that we started going to London for events, which takes us anywhere from 2 hours to 4 hours depending on which motorways they’ve randomly decided to close. By the way, thanks a lot M3 for yesterday’s diversions! They were an absolute joy! The reason we persist with the travel, is because we wanted to meet more awesome people and experience a wider variety of events.
There were many events that we went to where we spoke to no-one new. We enjoy each other’s company, and we can easily entertain each other with conversation and play. Which means we didn’t always push ourselves as much as we could have done to make friends. Perhaps by virtue of the podcast though we finally made those vital next steps in making new friends, which is actually much harder than it sounds. So we absolutely appreciate that these things are not easy.
Last night though we went to a brilliant event, SlapStick Club, (you can find out more about this event in Episode 23 of #ProudToBeKinky) and we had people we knew to say hello to, and very lovely people they are too and in June we are heading to an event in Brighton with another couple of friends who we met at a totally different event in Kent. It has taken us time, a year in fact, but we are now getting to enjoy events with people who we can chat to, exchange ideas with, maybe do a little bit of rope with and generally have a really brilliant time.
Friendships take time to build, and you need to invest in them as much as you do any other relationship, but it’s so much fun getting to know people and starting new adventures with awesome people joining you along the way.
So next time you’re listening to the podcast and we are saying for the millionth time to get to a munch or fetish event, remember our actions support our message and we only bang on about it so much because we just want everyone who is listening to us to have the kind of people in their life that will make it truly amazing.
When you first join you local BDSM scene it can be easy to assume that everyone will be really self-assured, have all the experience under their belt and have all the answers they need to lead a problem free kinky life. The chances are that all those assumptions will be incorrect for almost everyone on the scene, and the people who do put themselves in that category are most likely lying, at a bare minimum to themselves, but the chances are to everyone else as well.
With that in mind, I understand how easy it can be to embellish your own level of experience. If I could stop people doing one thing in their first few months on the scene it would be this. If you identify as a Top/Dominant, but have never spanked anyone, then say so. It’s okay to know you have things you’d like to learn. Pretending you know things you don’t is most importantly really dangerous, but also makes you look a bit questionable when we figure out you lied.
Most of the time the reason people aren’t entirely honest is nerves, we all want to be welcomed, accepted and liked and it can be really easy to get carried away in saying what we think are the right things. Some people are dishonest though for less honourable reasons, and those people are usually not safe people to have on the BDSM scene. So we do need to be aware of them and wary of them in some cases.
Quite often though people start to misrepresent themselves long before they get to an actual munch. Let’s move on to the joyful things people say on Fetlife. Now the ways in which people misrepresent themselves on Fetlife is vast and would probably cover more blog posts than I’m willing to commit to it. One way in particular though is what prompted me to write this post.
**From this point on I’m using Cisgendered, Hetereosexual normatives. Purely because the situations below have always involved Cisgendered Heterosexual guys when I’ve seen them. But I’m aware that everyone can be a douche regardless of gender or sexuality. I also know wonderful CisHet guys who have never done this!
So for arguments sake, let’s give some details of a profile I’ve made up in my very own brain. MrHotCock99, who states that he’s 18 and male. He’s got very little activity on Fetlife, mostly just adding females of a certain age. He will then more often than not post in one of the groups that advertise local events, or maybe personal ads for that area and here is where he will tell one (a few varieties exist) of the weirdest lies ever! Why are they weird? Because they are so obviously lies.
‘I have been in the community for a few years’ says MrHotCock99 ‘but have only just joined Fetlife.’ So you’ve been in the BDSM community since before it was even legal for you to be there? Guess what? You really haven’t. No community I have yet come across would allow this to happen.
‘I’m MrHotCock99 an Experienced Dom with 10 years experience.’ I’m sorry, what now? You’ve been a Dom since you were 8? FYI MrHotCock99 Domming your teddies doesn’t count.
When referring to a specific munch/community, ‘Been away from the scene for a bit, but back now and going to be attending the munch again’ This doesn’t work when people on the local scene have been on it consistently for many, many years and confirm they’ve never seen you at a munch. Let alone as an active participant in the local community.
As an aside, these people almost never actually turn up to a munch. Which is why their comments ring so many alarms bells. It’s as if they are trying to make themselves appear safe and knowledgeable in the hopes of catching the attention of someone new before they actually make it to a munch and find friends, or a decent, honest partner. Then there are the people seem to think saying these things will make them seem more credible for when they do come to a munch. It really doesn’t though. It just makes us think they’re really shady characters.
Here’s the best bit about many BDSM communities though, they’re small. Yes, some of the larger cities, like London, have lots of munches. But most towns, just have the one munch, and people talk, they talk a lot. Especially when it comes to keeping each other safe. Many of us form deep long lasting friendships with people we meet on the scene, and as such have things like each other’s phone numbers. When those douchey messages appear on Fetlife it usually doesn’t take long before we are alerting each other.
The strangest thing about all this, is if people were just up front it wouldn’t matter and would probably help their chances of getting what they want. If you’re looking for one night stands or casual sex, then say so, some girls on Fet are after those things. Don’t pretend you’re a longstanding part of the BDSM furniture though to try and make that happen with someone who isn’t into it. No one deserves to be hoodwinked in that way.
Just be honest. From beginning to end. It is by far the best policy, in most of life but so much more so in the BDSM community. We can only play safe, and responsibly if we know exactly who and what we are dealing with. No one deserves to go into a scene with someone thinking they have experience of something, to find out the hard way they didn’t actually have a clue.
Every single person currently active on the scene was new at one point, so we get it, we really do. We can offer better support and a more honest friendship though if we know the real you, not the blagger you. It’s also never too late to admit you were wrong, so if you’re reading this wishing you hadn’t told your entire munch you were British Caning Champion in 1982, when in fact you’ve never used a cane, speak up, learn something new and probably get a pat on the back for being honest.
Whoever you are. Whatever your kinks. Own it. Be you. It’s by far the best way to find like minded friends.
So technically, I’ve had two coming outs! I’m greedy like that! There’s my ‘I’m not straight’ coming out and my ‘I’m into BDSM’ coming out. On both counts I’m pretty much entirely out of the closet and that closet is now full of Latex, whips and sex toys. So basically opening it takes me to a sexy Narnia.
I’m going to focus on my kinky coming out though as this writing was inspired by the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky podcast and kinky coming outs was this weeks topic.
I’m very lucky in many respects. Firstly I have a job that allows me to be open. My work colleagues all know about my proclivities and while none of them are kinky (that they’ve admitted to me yet) they’ve all be very accepting and have asked lots of questions so they have a better understanding of what it is I enjoy.
While most questions have been insightful and I’ve really enjoyed covering topics like cross-dressing and D/s with them. Some questions can’t help but make me giggle. My favourite one being ‘so do you know the names of anyone at the parties you go to?’ When explaining that the people I have met on the scene are my friends so of course I know their names, I was met with a look of astonishment and the follow up questions of, ‘so it’s not all masked orgies and secret handshakes?’ Er …. no, not so much. I’ve been on the scene nearly two years and haven’t been to one orgy, be it masked or not. Maybe I’m hanging out in the wrong crowds after all! Where are my orgy invites people!
I’ve also explained to my dad and my ex-partner that I visit Fetish Clubs and go to BDSM parties. My reason for this is more practical. Should anything ever go awry and I or Bakji need to phone and explain there’s been an issue or accident preventing me from getting back home, I don’t want where I am to be a shock. It is a far fetched scenario and I hope a totally unfounded worry. But it was enough of a thought in my head that I decided to have those conversations.
My dad as it happens is probably my greatest supporter. His main worries for me are; am I happy? And am I safe? He knows the answers are a big yes to both so he has moved on to more frivolous questions now. For example, is my latex tight and have I seen many gimps at my parties! He is also open about what his daughter gets up to with his friends, prompting an evening long conversations with his partner and another couple about what Fetish clubs might be like. As open as we are with each other I live in fear of him asking me to take them one day!
I haven’t really had any negative experiences. However I do think my decision to not tell some people has created a distance between us that can be hard to bridge. My foray into the Kink world also marked a start of many new beginnings for me though, and in some cases I’ve had to make the hard choice of new life over old.
Despite the fact I can often sound quite blasé about my level of openness about my lifestyle, none of the decisions to talk about my interests have been easy. You never know how people will react and you can’t control their opinions of you once they’re in the know. All you can do is be armed with information and be willing to answer many, many questions.
So, if you’re sat reading this thinking that there really are people you would like to open up to about your lifestyle, here are my tops tips for coming out as kinky:
- Start slow, if you’re polyamorous, a 24/7 slave, living full time in Latex, while earning a living as a cam-girl, that can be a lot for someone to take in.
- Try to avoid too much scene lingo. Words like rigger, bunny, furry and little take on new meanings once you join the scene. But simple explanations like ‘I enjoy intricate, pretty rope bondage’, actually conveys something that most people with be able to derive meaning from.
- When talking about things like Fetish clubs, I always focus on how good it is to be able to dress to excess and mix with like minded people. As opposed to pushing the dungeon and play side of things.
- As previously mentioned be prepared to answer a lot of questions, I have a ‘no question is too personal’ approach and will share as much as someone asks of me. However if talking about the intricacies of your sex life isn’t your bag, then it’s okay to answer questions while still keeping some personal boundaries.
- People like to know you’re happy, and cared for. Things like impact play, bondage and power exchange don’t scream ‘I am cared for’ for those not in the know. So focusing on the emotional side of BDSM may be of benefit.
- Be mindful that people might need time to process. Shock may well give way to understanding, so don’t write people off if they are a bit taken aback at first.
If you’ve just read this and are thinking to yourself that coming out as kinky really isn’t for you, please don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad for that and never let coming out as kinky be anyone’s decision but your own. Out or not, either decision is as valid as the other, and every individual knows which path is right for them.
In the most recent episode of #ProudToBeKinky, myself and Bakji talk Fetish clubs. If you have no idea what #ProudToBeKinky is check out my blog entry ‘Podcasts & Princess Parts’, short explanation though, it’s a super awesome podcast that I sometimes get to be on. In episode #006 we talk about what to expect from your first visit to a Fetish club, while I chat briefly about some of my own experiences I though a morein depth version might be fun for flossdoeslife. That’s this website by the way, in case you are here because you are lost. If you are lost, please stay, I promise it will be lots of fun.
My first visit to a Fetish club was, to put it bluntly, lame and very underwhelming. This was absolutely no fault of the club, I know other people who have had fab times there. Unfortunately my companion for the night convinced me getting changed there would be impossible, cue me having to buy a new coat to cover my sexy outfit, however with it being spring time my options were limited, and it was an ‘only just’ coverage. So when the same companion decided we had to stop for cash and her outfit made maneuvering tough, I was the one who got leered at by the vanilla fellas at the cashpoint. We also spent all night unable to chat much because the music was loud, and we therefore didn’t speak to anyone else either. For various reasons we didn’t take advantage of the dungeon, so all in all it was rather boring. I tell you this not to give you a horror story so you don’t go, but to show that going with the right people and knowing a little bit of what to expect can make all the difference to how much fun you can have.
Since then I’ve been to lots more Fetish clubs and have had an absolutely wonderful time at every one. I’ve been in a group, with a couple of other people and often Bakji and I just go off on a little Fetish excursion just the two of us.
I absolutely love going to Fetish clubs, my main reasons I enjoy going are:
- I get to dress up
- I get to use equipment I don’t have at home
- I get to meet new people
- I get to watch other people’s style of play
- I get to see a wide variety of dynamics unfold
Fetish clubs are fascinating places and they are filled with wonderful and diverse people, some of whom could end up being great friends. You also get to see how other people play and a variety of dynamics you might not see at the local munch. Myself and Bakji switch roles between Top and bottom within our dynamic, however those roles are fairly low protocol and tend to stay in scene. However, I really enjoy watching high protocol dynamics play out, and also enjoy seeing people enjoy each other and play with passion whether it is a dynamic I have an interest in or not. It’s a privilege to be able to witness other people explore each other, and an experience that is endlessly captivating.
While I must admit I spent a long time fretting over what to wear to my first Fetish event, I now realise so long as you make an effort, and expectations of ‘effort’ will vary from club to club, essentially for me it is just a really good opportunity to have some fun and dress in a way you never could outside of your own home. Latex, fishnets and 6-inch heels might turn a few heads down at the local watering hole.
In terms of equipment, there are a few things of my own I always take. Rope, a blindfold, a gag and impact devices. Sometimes I will also take leather cuffs. I may or may not use all or any of it, but it’s always good to have with me. Different clubs have different dungeon equipment on offer to use, some have a fab selection, others less so. Items we have so far taken advantage of on various occasions include St. Andrews cross’, spanking benches, bondage chairs, examinations chairs and hard points for rope suspensions.
It can be easy to be a daunted by the prospect of what types of play might occur in a Fetish club, though just to clarify as we did in the podcast, play does not necessarily equate to sexual play. Again the rules of sexual activity and nudity will vary from club to club. However things that we regularly see are rope floorwork/suspensions, bondage (none rope) and impact play. The sexual elements of play we do see, but less often. There is also no pressure to play as others do. Or to play at all. If your night would be amazing by putting on your sexiest outfit and dancing the night away surrounded by like minded people, a Fetish club is still well worth a visit.
Also don’t worry if you like the idea of using the equipment but don’t quite feel brave enough. I honestly thought I’d never Top in public. All those people who would clearly be watching my every move, waiting to see the error of my ways and discover I wasn’t a ‘proper’ Top. Yes, I actually worried about this, but in reality, everyone is doing their own thing, and so long as you are playing safe, no one is going to be concerning themselves with your play. If they are watching chances are it’s because it’s fun and sexy to watch. I have since shed my fears and have no qualms about wrapping the gorgeous Bakji in rope and teasing him merrily in public.
So to sum things up:
- Get your gladrags on, get to a Fetish club & have a bloody good time
- If you have any queries about dress-code or club etiquette, club organisers will be happy to answer any questions you have
- Best place to find Fetish nights near you? Fetlife