My image this week isn’t of me, I asked my lovely friend if I could share a photo I took of her this weekend and I am delighted that she said yes.
As a co-host of a podcast for which the tagline is ‘a podcast covering the social and interpersonal side of kink, Fetish and BDSM’, it will probably come as no surprise that I spend a lot of time talking about munches and Fetish events.
Before I regale you all with why I think these things can be beneficial to fledgling kinksters and veteran kinksters alike, I know a lot of people would be grateful for me explaining exactly what a munch is.
Munch – a social event for those who are kinky, or even just curious, to come along and meet like minded people. Depending on where you are based in the world a munch may be held in a restaurant, pub, and many other public spaces. They do not involve kinky play, and the dress code is casual.
While the internet is wonderful for connecting us to fellow kinksters, and indeed fellow human beings, we are not all looking for online interactions only or long distance relationships. Local munches provide the opportunity for us to meet people who are kinky and in our area.
When I’ve spoken to people about how long it took them to go to a munch after they first decided they’d like to attend one, the answer is usually somewhere between a couple of months and an entire decade. I personally took 6 months to get up the courage to go. Why do we put it off? Fear of the unknown and not having the answers to the barrage of questions we ask ourselves, such as:
- What will everyone be like?
Personalities, looks, backgrounds and kinks will be beautifully varied. Much the same as with any other collective of people in non-kink related gatherings.
- Will they all be weirdos?
Probably! In the awesome way. In my experience kinky people are creative, quirky and many of us are proud to be a little less ordinary.
- Will I fit in?
More likely than not. On the whole the kink scene is very welcoming and loves to meet new people.
- Am I kinky enough?
YES! Seriously we don’t actually mind how kinky you are. Being open minded and non judgemental is the key.
- Am I too kinky?
NO! There is no such thing.
- Do I need to know what I’m into?
Absolutely not. People might ask, but it’s 100% okay to say you aren’t sure but are interested in making new discoveries.
- What if I’m the only one with my Fetish?
You might be, but you probably won’t be and if you are it won’t matter. You might even introduce someone else to it, and helping other people make those discoveries is great fun.
- What if it’s boring?
Honestly, it might be. Some days everyone seems to be busy and it’s a quiet night, other days it’s like the whole town has turned up. That’s why we always recommend going a few times, and maybe even trying munches in other local towns.
- What if it’s not for me?
It might not be, some people just don’t enjoy munches, but what have you got to lose by finding out?
You’ve battled through all those questions, plus many more I suspect. You’ve found your local munch and you decide to go along. What might follow next? I’ll be honest, you probably won’t find the person of your dreams on your first visit. It may take time to make connections and find your tribe, but when you do it will be so much fun.
Those of us who join the scene without a partner are likely going to hope we do find someone to share our kinky times with. Many people however discount the benefits of making platonic friends, or perhaps even casual play partners, on the way to finding a more long term or romantic partnership
Having kinky friends is wonderful if you are someone who likes to have open and honest conversations about your kinks with the people in your life. I’m personally happy to tell anyone who will listen about my kinky shenanigans, but I know that isn’t an option for many people. Forming friendships within the kink community can give you a network of support, advice and encouragement you just may not be able to get within your non-kinks circles.
Even if you are an established couple, who have no interest in meeting other play partners, you could still find a wonderful group of people to share your interests with and learn new skills from. Attending a local munch will often lead to invites to other events, and in many cases private parties. Where the opportunities to learn about and discover new kinks are endless.
Okay, so you’ve been to a munch, and maybe a play party or two, but what about if you want to experience something bigger, with more people, where on earth do you go then? That is where Fetish events come into the equations. These will vary from place to place, from country to country and even the same event came vary from month to month.
I spend the majority of my event time at Fetish events in and around London, my experiences will reflect that, so I would always recommend researching any event you might go to and asking previous attendees what you can expect.
In London the Fetish events can range from very little play, but high Fetish fashion to lots of kinky play, and very little clothing because we’ve all whipped it off to get a spanking or to be tied in rope. We’ve got events that have a grunge, gothic, alternative vibe and events that are more like a kinky rave. Whatever your specific likes and dislikes, chances are you can find an event for you.
Almost everyone I’ve ever spoken to has had a major panic about what to wear before their first trip to a Fetish event. I’m going to let you into a secret though, there is nothing to panic about. Making an effort is key, but you can do that without having a wardrobe full of Latex. Accessories and make-up can also go a long way to making an outfit shine.
My top tips for Fetish events would be:
- Go with friends, if you haven’t got friend who will go with you, go to a munch and make some.
- If you are uncertain about your outfit, check photos from previous nights, or email the organisers to ask advice.
- Learn about dungeon etiquette, for example we don’t approach people during a scene, we don’t touch people stuff, if you’re in doubt about what you’re seeing then Dungeon Monitors (DM’s) are on hand to address any concerns.
- Do make an effort with your clothes, but also wear something you feel confident and comfortable in. You first event may not be the time to give 8 inch heels a try for the first time.
- Try a few. If the first one you try isn’t a good fit, it doesn’t mean you won’t love the next one you try.
- Read the event listings on Fetlife, join the event group if it has one, and read their website in full if they have one, so you are not caught unawares by any event specific terms or guidelines.
You can make friends at a Fetish event, but it is harder than at a munch. Which is why going alone isn’t always the best option. That said though, a lot of events in London do organise meet and greets at the beginning of an event to welcome those who are visiting alone and/or new, to give them a rundown of the layout of the event, and what happens throughout the night.
I guarantee someone will read this who is really eager to go to a munch, but their nearest one involves some travelling and that is their only reason for not going. If you truly want to meet other kinksters outside of the internet, and you want to increase your chances of getting some kinky action, then I’ve got news for you … you might actually have to travel.
I get that it might be a mission, or it might be a whole day out of your week for a couple of hours of socialising. Wouldn’t it be worth the effort though if it got you the type of relationship or friendship group that you are longing for. I say this as someone who lives 3 hours from London, I travel there because it has the scene I love and wonderful friends, who I would not have met if I hadn’t have gone to my local munch, where I met a partner who was willing to travel with me to experience new things and meet new people.
There is a whole world of kink positive people out there, who are ready to be your friend and share their knowledge and joy of kink with you. You’ve got to meet them halfway though, they are already on the scene, they’ve probably already got friends, maybe they even know all the best event and parties, and like most of us I bet they love meeting awesome people and getting to know new friends. There’s even a chance that your new friend has a friend that is the potential kinky partner you’ve been dreaming of.
What is stopping you? For most of you the only thing standing in your way is yourself. So get out of your own way and send yourself on a new adventure.
If you have any question about how to find the munches and events in your local area then please do get in touch via my contact form and I will do my best to help you find the information you need.
This is the first in my ‘A Switchy Girl’s Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘Frenzy, Drop and FOMO’. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.
Pain play and sensation play are our focus this week. We discuss what we mean when we talk about Sadism and masochism, and how pain can be sexy and what you can do if you’d like to try some new sensations but don’t think pain is for you.
We have mini debate over what classes as sexy pain, stingy, thuddy or something else entirely. This leads to us having a bit of a run through of what the difference between the two is, and why they lead to different sensations.
While many us might identify as a Sadist or a masochist, or perhaps like Floss you’re a bit of both and like to claim the Sadomasochist label, that doesn’t we all enjoy pain in the same way though. Both Bakji and Floss enjoy pain in very different ways, and their approach to pain play also differs greatly. We discuss our own personal takes on pain, what we enjoy and why we enjoy it.
As we always say we’re not experts when it comes to the kinks we discuss, but we do try to share what safety and instructional information we do have. We do highly recommend though that if you are looking to engage in some of the things discussed for the first time that you do your research and due diligence before diving straight into the action. If you need any further information and you’re not sure where to find it, do please get in touch.
The focus of this episode does fall a lot toward the pain play side of things, however we are aware that some people really aren’t into pain at all, but may enjoy different sensations during a scene, so we try to cover some of those too.
You can as always send feedback for this episode via our email firstname.lastname@example.org, or our social media platforms; Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. You can also visit us at our Patreon page, www.patreon.com/proudtobekinky, where you can find our spin-off podcast, FemDom and Fetish Fun.
We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network along with Off the Cuffs, Drinks with God, the Will Sean Podcast and Parking Lot Radio. We are all available on Apple podcast and most other podcast apps, if you chose player allows for reviews please do leave one for us as it really is helpful in letting other people know we are worth a listen.
One of the events that gets mentioned most within the kink community is Torture Garden. When we started going to lots of London events I lost track of how many people asked us if we’d been, and were then surprised when we said no. There were two reasons I took my time in going, 1. I felt like I’d enjoy it more in a group and 2. I was really uncertain about the strict dress code.
This Halloween though we decided to take the plunge and off we went to our very first TG. Prior to going myself I’d heard various things about it, some good and some bad. All of which made me wonder exactly what I’d be walking into. The reality was that I loved it. In fact we love it so much we are going back in December. While I appreciate it won’t be for everybody, no event suits everyone’s taste, and TG is no different, for some of you it will be amazing.
First of all, I was 100% right about going with a group. Myself and Bakji have attended many events just the two of us, and that’s actually how we made some of the friends we went with to TG. At certain event you can mingle and socialise a little, at TG I do not see that happening unless you already know a few people. It is busy, it is loud and people are in hedonism mode, having fun and revelling in a good time, I don’t think sitting down for a chat with a potential new friend is on anyone’s agenda. I think if you went solo, you would feel really lost and probably never go to an event. If you are a couple that can entertain each other well, you will probably enjoy yourselves, ideally though I’d say gather a little group together and really go for it.
So we found our group (and what a lovely bunch of humans they are too), bought our tickets, had a place to stay for the night (God bless friends who have a spare room), all that was left was to find an outfit! AN OUTFIT! For Torture Garden! How could I ever compete with the wonderful flamboyant creations you have to have to set foot inside this most awesome of events? Well I got in, so apparently I cracked it. My advice for anyone looking to go to TG who is worried about an outfit would be as follows:
- Make an effort – if you are able to go all out and can invest both the time and money in a gorgeous creation, then go for it. Those outfits are a delight to view. If you can’t though you can still make a great outfit with key Fetish inspired pieces, working to the theme might help too.
- Make-up is your friend – Even if you’re a fella. Maybe especially if you’re a fella. Dramatic, all out make-up costs less than, dramatic all out Latex, but the effect can be incredible.
- Be hair raising (or raise your hair) – Dramatic hair is another thing that makes a huge impact on your look. I crimped my hair, and it went big and wild and it really suited the theme of the night.
- Latex – it frustrates some people that Latex is an automatic in to places like this (unless it’s stripy trousers, stripes are evil it seems), but if you’re new and uncertain Latex is a winner. Maybe combining it with awesome make-up, hair and accessories is a good way to make the extra effort.
- Plan ahead – give yourself time to order from online stores, do our research into a good outfit, and give it some trial runs so you know you’re happy with it.
- Pinterest – such a good place to get ideas for any outfit theme
- Use the TG email – Decide on what you’re wearing and you can actually email TG and ask them if it will be suitable, they have people ready and willing to give you advice so that you don’t get turned away.
For anyone wondering what I actually wore, I was too excited to remember to take a photo, so I will have to explain it. Bottom half was fishnet tights, with high waist Latex knickers over the top of them. Then on my top half I wore a long sleeved fishnet top, and my new Xenia bra from Twisted Lingerie. It wasn’t crazy elaborate but it felt sexy and I really enjoyed wearing it.
As I mentioned previously TG is loud and it’s busy, which leads me to a couple of other tips. Decide on a meeting place and know you can land their should you get estranged from your group, then if you’ve lost someone check in on the meeting place and make sure no one has been stood their for two hours waiting to be rescued. Once you’ve been a few times I’m sure it gets easier to navigate, but as a TG newbie it feels like a total maze, though I think we only have a few more event at this particular venue, so this might not be a valid point for alternate venues.
One unfortunate thing that happens when somewhere is very busy, is that it gets very hot, and when I say very, I mean VERY. Think gates of hell type heat, it was frickin’ warm people. If you are like me and are a bit susceptible to overheating, please take regular fresh air breaks and drink plenty of fluids, and not just the alcoholic kind, the water kind too. I forgot about both these things and did have a little attack of melting, thankfully we’d had an awesome time up until this point because it did mean we had to head home to bed, and it wasn’t a sexy heading to bed. It was the ‘Floss falling onto the bed dying and Bakji taking her shoes off’ kind of going to bed.
As I say though, up until that point we’d had an awesome time. I’ve often heard people say that while this is a kink event, and there are dungeon areas available, that sometimes the best way to have fun is just to focus on the kink less and enjoy the party. I think on the whole I would agree with this. That’s pretty much the approach we took and we have a great time. The beauty of an event like this though is that your behaviour can be overall more kinky wherever you are and it is in keeping with the vibe of the night. For example, forcing your partner to lick your nipples while sat on a bench in a normal club would be frowned upon, however at TG I don’t think anyone even noticed us doing this!
That’s not to say there isn’t room for kink, there was definitely plenty of that happening, and my bottom may have got involved in an awesome spanking, once again having kinky friends is awesome! I also discovered that simultaneously bottoming and Topping is actually a lot of fun! Thank you to the kind and sexy people who helped me discover this. On top of that we also danced a lot, I may have got a bit merry thanks to my old friend Southern Comfort and we generally just enjoyed the sexy fun and made the most of our first experience of TG. I could tell we had fun because when we woke up the next day there was glitter everywhere, neither of us wore glitter out, so coming home covered in it always indicates a lot of fun was had.
That pretty much covers our experience, as I say we loved TG and we will definitely be going back, December tickets have already been bought. If you’re still not sure if it’s for you, but you are curious please feel free to get in touch, you can use my contact form on this site or you can email me via email@example.com
You can find out how to listen to #ProudToBeKinky here and if you have questions or topics you’d like us to discuss you can send them via the contact form on this website or by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org
The Queen of Fetish Cabaret, Marnie Scarlet joins us for this episode and we couldn’t be more excited to chat with her. We have had the pleasure of seeing a couple of Marnie’s performances and they do not disappoint. Please do check them out. Links will be provided at the end of this post.
Latex is possibly one of the first things we noticed about Marnie, because as we may have mentioned once or twice we have both got the hots for the lovely shiny rubbery stuff. Which means we obviously asked Marnie all about making her outfits. If you haven’t seen her outfits yet, once you do you will be utterly amazed by her creations. They are gorgeous, fun, inventive and beautifully crafted.
There is a huge variety of themes across all Marnie’s acts, so we discuss where she gets her inspiration from and how her ideas go from that to a full performance piece. We also go right back to the beginning and find out how Marnie came to start performing, both within the kink scene and out of it. The type of events and countries she often travels to come up as well, so if you’re an international listener and think you might miss out on seeing Marnie live, you may be in luck, one day she might be performing at an event near you.
Marnie was recently featured in some mainstream newspapers in her outfit for London Pride. I cannot blame them for this, it was a brilliant outfit. #prideoutfitgoals for sure. With this is mind, and in light of the fact Marnie also takes her performances in non-fetish settings, we ask about the reception she receives from the non-kinky folk.
As well as checking out Marnie on social media, which once again I will recommend you definitely do, you can also come and find us on social media if you haven’t already. We are on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. You are welcome to connect with us across all those platforms and you can also email us on hello@proudtobekinky.
We are also part of the Podcast Jukebox Network, so please do pop along to our sister podcasts Off The Cuffs: a kink and BDSM podcast, the Will Sean Podcast, Drinks with God and Parking Lot Radio. If you like any of those guys please do leave them a little review and of course us too if you haven’t done so already.
N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.
We’ve come to another subject about which I’m fairly passionate. Which is probably obvious from the fact I help host a podcast about the social and interpersonal side of kink. Myself and Bakji have probably lost count of how many times we’ve recommended people go to their local munch, or rope group or find their way to a Fetish event.
While I understand joining the local community isn’t for everyone, it is definitely the beginning of something amazing for many people, and for that reason if you are even a tiny bit curious about your local scene, I urge you to give it a try. It honestly could be the best thing you ever do.
While it isn’t perfect, thankfully Fetlife is actually quite wonderful for finding your local community. By clicking ‘Events’ on the Fetlife menu, you can select ‘Events Near Me’ and ‘Events Friends Have RSVP’s To’. Provided you have selected your actual location as your Fetlife location you will be given a lovely list of local events.
One of the reasons I initially decided to go to local kink social is because I was starting over in life. It had been 10 years since I’d been single, I’d had two disastrous encounters with individuals from Fetlife, and I really wanted more out of my fresh beginning. I decided that what I needed was friends. Yes a partner would be wonderful, but what I was initially seeking was friendship and the chance to learn about kink in general and kink on a personal level.
I was very lucky that at my very first social event, which was a lock-in at our local sex shop I met CheshireCat_MMH. This led to many wonderful interactions with a variety of awesome people, many friendships were formed, and I am pleased to say the majority of them are still in place to this day. Most wonderfully of all through that group of friends I met Bakji.
There are so many wonderful things and lovely people I wouldn’t have in my life if I hadn’t decided to find my local community.
Some of the common questions I see or get asked about the local kink/rope community, that are perhaps preventing people from going are:
- Can we go as a monogamous couple? Is there really any point if you’re not looking for a partner?
- Absolutely. Munches are brilliant for connecting with like-minded people, learning about new things and generally feeling free to be yourself. Yes it is a good place to go to make connection that might turn to more than platonic friendship, but it isn’t the be all and end all of the function of a munch.
- I haven’t got anyone to tie or tie me can I still go to the local rope event?
- Unless otherwise stated (as it might be for workshops), then yes, you can certainly go along without a rope bottom to tie, or without a rope top to tie you. Often group organisers can facilitate bringing people together to discuss potentially tying together, but there’s actually a lot you can learn by tying yourself. Alongside learning rope skills you can also socialise and meet new people.
- My age/body type/gender identity/physical abilities/specific kink might mean I won’t be welcome.
- Hell No! Sadly I’m sure there some shitty communities, but most and I hope it is the vast majority are really inclusive. And yes this counts for rope too. With a little bit of understanding and the desire to work together almost anyone can have an awesome rope experience. I say almost because I’m sure there some factors that mean someone can’t do rope play but overall most of us can.
- I want to go to a Fetish event but I don’t own the right kind of outfit.
- Yes you do. Honestly most people will have something in their wardrobe that they can fashion into a suitable outfit for a Fetish event. It is not the terrifying ordeal it seems like it might be. We actually did a whole podcast episode on this very subject as we felt so passionately about it not holding people back.
- I want to go to a munch but I’m shy/anxious/socially awkward.
- Then you will fit right in. Don’t for one minute kid yourself that everyone in the kink community is super confident with their shit together. The truth is we are just regular, everyday folk and we all come with our own insecurities, personal issues and idiocies. You know what though? That makes us a really interesting bunch and a fairly understanding bunch too. If you are particularly worried then get in touch with the event organiser beforehand and they can meet you at the door and be sure to introduce you to some people, so you aren’t left to your own devices.
Many people find the kink community and never leave, I personally don’t get to as many munches as I’d like to, but I get to far more Fetish events. Some people spend a good chunk of time in the community until they meet a partner and then they might not feel they need the local community any more. Other people might flit it and out, as and when for as long as they have an interest in kink. All of these approaches are valid.
It’s definitely okay to know that the local scene isn’t for you. If you have a kinky parner and you enjoy doing your own thing at home, that’s absolutely a valid way to kink. If you’ve ever been curious about your local community though and have constantly talked yourself out of going, stop, right now and give it a go. If it’s rubbish, you need never return. If it’s awesome though, you might just have the best time of your life.
You can read more posts about my thoughts on munches and experiences in the scene in the following posts:
- Reddit Inspired: Munches … Why Do We Go?
- Rope, Friendship & the Joy of New Things
- Weekend Round-Up: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
TheWickedJade joins us for this episode as we pick her very knowledgeable brain, about all things fashion. Kinky, sexy, fetishy fashion that is. You can follow her on Instagram (@thewickedjade) if you want to see her great pictures of some truly lovely lingerie and clothing pieces.
Once you’ve found you’ve way into the BSDM community and have decided you want to try out a Fetish event, one of the first questions people ask is ‘What do I wear?’ Nearly all of us have been there, and it can really take the edge of an event if you’re panicking that your outfit isn’t going to be right.
There can be a huge temptation to just go for the Latex option, the nature of Latex means it is inherently Fetishy, but at the same time it really isn’t for everyone. Spending the night in Latex if you really don’t enjoy it is no fun. Even those of us who absolutely love Latex, sometimes have the odd event where we just don’t feel in the Latex mood. So why not ditch the generic ideas of what is Fetish fashion, and find something that truly is your style and makes you feel fabulous.
How though? That is the question we need answering. So that is what we discuss in this episode. We talk about accessories, body painting, double act outfits and much more. Some other things we consider are cost of outfits and what you might like to do in the outfit once you’re at the event.
Men seem to flounder even more so when it comes to dressing for Fetish events, especially if they’re really not into Latex or feel it won’t flatter their body type. We have all seen men rocking some great outfits though, so we try and present some ideas that could give the guys listening some inspiration for their next kinky outfit.
We also ask WickedJade how she got into kink, and what sort of kinks interest her. This leads us to talking about ballet shoes, vet wrap, mummification, medical play and much more. Including singing the praises of eBay and our quick fire question round.
If anything we discuss in the episode doesn’t quite answer all your Fetish fashion queries then please do email us via email@example.com with any questions you have and we will do our best to find the answers for you. You can also get in touch on all our social media accounts, Instagram, Twitter, Fetlife and Facebook. We will respond to all messages, and we love hearing from you. You can also support us on our Patreon account too.
As always a big shoutout to our sister podcasts in our podcast network, Podcast Jukebox. Please do swing by and have a listen to them; Off The Cuffs, the Will Sean Podcast and Parking Lot Radio.