You can find me somewhere between inspiring others, working on myself, dodging negativity and slaying my goals. – Unknown
I love women. Well I love all genders, but this post is specifically about women. But I promise I’m not leaving the rest of you out. You will get your post another day.
Growing up I really struggled to make friends with or maintain friendships with other girls. There was always an underlying feeling of competition and bitchiness that I found very hard and had no desire to participate in. When I joined the kink scene it was with the same level of hesitancy about forming female friendships.
When it comes to kink, the friendships I have formed have been far more intimate and rewarding than any non-kink friendship I have ever had. I have friends I play with, from chaste kisses to full sex, both may or may not be accompanied by all manner of kinky joys. While to the non-kink world these encounters would move things from friendship into something else, for me this is what friendship sometimes looks like within the kink community.
Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.
Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone
For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.
Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.
It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.
Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.
To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing, specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.
Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.
Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.
As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:
- Physical affection and closeness
- Being in company
- Being left alone
- Food and drink
- Staying warm and cosy
- Peace and quiet
- Talking things through
- Taking their mind of it
- Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc
Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.
It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.
When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.
This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on May 7th and is titled ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’. If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.
The interaction between myself and my readers is what truly keeps my blog going, your likes and comments always make me smile, if however you would like to support what I do in other ways you can follow the link below to buy me a coffee.
#30DayOrgasmFun – Week 1:
Orgasms received 2.
Orgasms given 1
It was with great excitement that I decided to take part in #30DayOrgasmFun. My overall feeling about masturbation is that it is a bit dull, for me. Even though I own all the sex toys and can now orgasm, which I couldn’t until I was 28, it just lacks lustre for me. I’m pretty sure I just haven’t explored enough though, that knowledge does not compel me to try more often though, or even to try new things when the urge does come over me.
For me getting involved in #30DayOrgasmFun was about encouragement. The thought of having a reason to carve time out for self pleasure was awesome. Then came a less awesome though … Easter holidays. For me this means very little alone time, and very little energy. Neither of which is handy when it comes to sexy alone time.
I have however managed two self love sessions. Which quite honestly, is not bad going for me in one week.
Orgasm 1 – Sunday
This orgasm, like many others was courtesy of my Maison Vesta Kassandra Magic Wand. For those of you who are used to the power of a larger wand, this might not do the trick. As I am yet to get my hands on my dream Doxy though, smaller wands are what I have to hand. This is by far my favourite out of the selection of smaller wands I’ve tried. For its size and its price it really packs a punch. In a sexy way.
So me and Kassandra (the wand remember, not a sexy lady unfortunately) got down to business, and it was quick, but it was efficient and I actually felt pleased that I’d made the effort to get some kind of orgasmic delights on the go.
Orgasm 2 – Tuesday
Now this one was a lot more interesting. I got a delightful box of goodies to test and review from Satisfyer.com, and this definitely inspired me to lube up, even though it was after a late shift at work. I’m a bit erratic when it comes to new toys, I tend to try them with a bit too much eagerness, and quite often that doesn’t give a good picture of them, but it will explain how I ended up masturbating with four toys in one session.
First up was the Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit, which I’ve been really keen to try, and I think I will enjoy it, but I was finding it hard to relax into it. I think because it was new and we haven’t found our groove yet. Then Satisfyer Pro Traveler came out to play, which is frickin’ adorable, and pretty mighty for a small toy and it definitely played it’s part in making the orgasmic magic happen.
However, like I said, it was late and I was tired and I really just wanted the good fanny feels. So out came Kassandra again, this time though she has a friend with her. Oh yes, my Tracey Cox Glass Dildo (the clear one) came out to play. For some reason I haven’t use any of my glass dildos in a while, but recently I’ve taken to using them again and I have remembered why I have so many. They are unbelievably good at getting me off.
With Kassandra on my clit and Tracey Cox (the dildo, not the woman) rubbing against my g-spot I came good and proper. Like I really came, super hard. It. Was. So. Good.
Orgasm 3 – Friday
This orgasm wasn’t mine, but it was my best one of the week. That is a statement that probably sheds a lot of light on why I don’t orgasm much. Making Bakji come isn’t more fun for me a lot of the time than coming myself. The thrill I get from our kink dynamic, and especially from FemDom, kind of outweighs the thrill I get from sexual pleasure, especially of the solo variety.
During this session I got to tease and torment, as well as engaging in one of my all time favourite sexual acts, handjobs. I bloody love giving handjobs, especially to Bakji because he is so wonderfully receptive to them.
We also took the Satisfyer Men (or penis wanker as I am calling it) for its first spin. It was definitely fun, but it couldn’t claim the orgasm, that was all mine.
Now I am sure at least one person is wondering why I didn’t end up having a 3rd orgsm of my own seeing as how I had my partner right there, with his cock out and hard no less. The truth is I just don’t measure my pleasure in orgasms. It is totally cool if you do, it isn’t judgement on other people, it’s just how I work.
FemDom gives me an adrenaline rush and a mental and physical high that I do not get form sex in any way, shape or form. I love sex, I really do. It feels amazing and I love it when Bakji makes me come. Domination though, especially of Bakji, man that hits the spot. Like hardcore, body and mind satisfied.
So where does that leave me with taking part in #30DayOrgasmFun? I am still very much going to try and get a few more April orgasms under my belt. I have a few new things I’m going to try, and I have a sexy weekend session with Bakji, where we will have more time to get kinky than we did on Friday. So if he’s lucky I might let him help me out with an orgasm of my own. Or I might just make him come multiple times, I’m really quite happy to sate my orgasm needs in that way.
I’ve been thinking a lot about ways in which I feel vulnerable and the actions I take to try and protect myself from getting hurt, or simply from feeling unpleasant emotions. I try my best to be open and honest on my blog, and I am … for the most part.
There are elements of my past that are extremely relevant to who I am as a person, why I live the life I do and why I have this blog. They’re not horrific or overly traumatising, but they are the most vulnerable pieces of my story and it hurts to tell them. The truth is I judge myself for that. Even though though I find the courage to be vulnerable in others a beautiful and inspiring trait.
While this may not seem that relevant for Sinful Sunday, there is a reason I chose to share today. I have been lurking here for a long time, and I am always astounded by how raw and honest many of the images are. Part of not wanting to be vulnerable is making sure my pictures that I share online are very much ‘an image of me’. While I’m not tech savvy enough to do lots of photo-shopping, I am persistent enough and vain enough to make sure my pictures look the way I want so I can portray myself in what I deem to be ‘the internet me’.
In the interest of full disclosure even this week’s image isn’t the me you get first thing in the morning, or the puffy eyed, tear streaked me who has no idea why she’s crying (or does know but is too scared to admit it) or the me that sleeps with the light on sometimes because I’m terrified of my persistent nightmares.
I’m sharing this today because I want to work on being less afraid of admitting some of my truths, not only to others but to myself and to take the opportunity to say how inspiring and touching many of the posts for Sinful Sunday are on a weekly basis, as well as being incredibly sexy.
Please do take a moment to follow the lips to the rest of these weeks Sinful Sunday images and when you find one you love leave a nice comment and show your support to the awesome participants.
Self care comes in many forms. For me it is matching my outer me with my inner me. Recently they have felt a little bit out of sync so I needed to redress the balance. I’m not sure what is says about me that black and red is currently an accurate portrayal of my innermost being. I’m happy to roll with it though because I’m feeling fierce and fiery in my new colour scheme.
“Do Your Squats
Eat Your Vegetables
Wear Red Lipstick
And Don’t Let Boys
Be Mean To You.”
This is my first time joining in with Sinful Sunday, and I have a long way to go to catch up with some of the seriously talented, sensual, seductive and imaginative photos that get included. Please do click on the link below the lips to see all the wonderful photos submitted this week and consider getting involved yourself.
When I first joined the kink scene I was fascinated by how many cat people there were. As a lifelong dog lover I had never owned a cat and was somewhat baffled by why people thought they were better than dogs. That said I am a huge animal lover and will cuddle anything that will pay me attention, including non furry friends like snakes and lizards. So it’s not that I disliked cats, I just didn’t ‘get them’ in the same way I did dogs.
When my marriage ended I sadly had to re-home my dog, it was unavoidable for many reasons and made me so sad. Thankfully she was re-homed quickly and I was certain to make sure she found a good home. While I missed her personality and seeing her little face each day I did feel a weight had been lifted due to being relieved of an additional responsibility.