Category: Emotional Well-being

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Trigger Plans.

Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.

Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone

For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.

Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.

It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.

Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.

To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing,  specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.

Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.

Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.

As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:

  • Physical affection and closeness
  • Being in company
  • Being left alone
  • Food and drink
  • Staying warm and cosy
  • Peace and quiet
  • Talking things through
  • Taking their mind of it
  • Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc

Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.

IMG_7094It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.

When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.


This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment will be published on May 7th and is titled ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

 

#30DayOrgasmFun – Week 1

#30DayOrgasmFun – Week 1:

Orgasms received 2.

Orgasms given 1

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Find out more and see who else is getting involved.

It was with great excitement that I decided to take part in #30DayOrgasmFun. My overall feeling about masturbation is that it is a bit dull, for me. Even though I own all the sex toys and can now orgasm, which I couldn’t until I was 28, it just lacks lustre for me. I’m pretty sure I just haven’t explored enough though, that knowledge does not compel me to try more often though, or even to try new things when the urge does come over me.

For me getting involved in #30DayOrgasmFun was about encouragement. The thought of having a reason to carve time out for self pleasure was awesome. Then came a less awesome though … Easter holidays. For me this means very little alone time, and very little energy. Neither of which is handy when it comes to sexy alone time.

I have however managed two self love sessions. Which quite honestly, is not bad going for me in one week.

Orgasm 1 – Sunday

IMG_6615.JPGThis orgasm, like many others was courtesy of my Maison Vesta Kassandra Magic Wand. For those of you who are used to the power of a larger wand, this might not do the trick. As I am yet to get my hands on my dream Doxy though, smaller wands are what I have to hand. This is by far my favourite out of the selection of smaller wands I’ve tried. For its size and its price it really packs a punch. In a sexy way.

So me and Kassandra (the wand remember, not a sexy lady unfortunately) got down to business, and it was quick, but it was efficient and I actually felt pleased that I’d made the effort to get some kind of orgasmic delights on the go.

Orgasm 2 – Tuesday

1523266633951.jpegNow this one was a lot more interesting. I got a delightful box of goodies to test and review from Satisfyer.com, and this definitely inspired me to lube up, even though it was after a late shift at work. I’m a bit erratic when it comes to new toys, I tend to try them with a bit too much eagerness, and quite often that doesn’t give a good picture of them, but it will explain how I ended up masturbating with four toys in one session.

First up was the Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit, which I’ve been really keen to try, and I1523265920441.jpeg think I will enjoy it, but I was finding it hard to relax into it. I think because it was new and we haven’t found our groove yet. Then Satisfyer Pro Traveler came out to play, which is frickin’ adorable, and pretty mighty for a small toy and it definitely played it’s part in making the orgasmic magic happen.

However, like I said, it was late and I was tired and I really just wanted the good fanny feels. So out came Kassandra again, this time though she has a friend with her. Oh yes, my Tracey Cox Glass Dildo (the clear one) came out to play. For some reason I haven’t use any of my glass dildos in a while, but recently I’ve taken to using them again and I have remembered why I have so many. They are unbelievably good at getting me off.

With Kassandra on my clit and Tracey Cox (the dildo, not the woman) rubbing against my g-spot I came good and proper. Like I really came, super hard. It. Was. So. Good.

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Orgasm 3 – Friday

This orgasm wasn’t mine, but it was my best one of the week. That is a statement that probably sheds a lot of light on why I don’t orgasm much. Making Bakji come isn’t more fun for me a lot of the time than coming myself. The thrill I get from our kink dynamic, and especially from FemDom, kind of outweighs the thrill I get from sexual pleasure, especially of the solo variety.

During this session I got to tease and torment, as well as engaging in one of my all time favourite sexual acts, handjobs. I bloody love giving handjobs, especially to Bakji because he is so wonderfully receptive to them.

We also took the Satisfyer Men (or penis wanker as I am calling it) for its first spin. It was definitely fun, but it couldn’t claim the orgasm, that was all mine.

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Now I am sure at least one person is wondering why I didn’t end up having a 3rd orgsm of my own seeing as how I had my partner right there, with his cock out and hard no less. The truth is I just don’t measure my pleasure in orgasms. It is totally cool if you do, it isn’t judgement on other people, it’s just how I work.

FemDom gives me an adrenaline rush and a mental and physical high that I do not get form sex in any way, shape or form. I love sex, I really do. It feels amazing and I love it when Bakji makes me come. Domination though, especially of Bakji, man that hits the spot. Like hardcore, body and mind satisfied.

So where does that leave me with taking part in #30DayOrgasmFun? I am still very much going to try and get a few more April orgasms under my belt. I have a few new things I’m going to try, and I have a sexy weekend session with Bakji, where we will have more time to get kinky than we did on Friday. So if he’s lucky I might let him help me out with an orgasm of my own. Or I might just make him come multiple times, I’m really quite happy to sate my orgasm needs in that way.

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Masturbation Monday – Who else is getting off this week?

#SinfulSunday: Being Vulnerable (It’s Hard To Do)

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I’ve been thinking a lot about ways in which I feel vulnerable and the actions I take to try and protect myself from getting hurt, or simply from feeling unpleasant emotions. I try my best to be open and honest on my blog, and I am … for the most part.

There are elements of my past that are extremely relevant to who I am as a person, why I live the life I do and why I have this blog. They’re not horrific or overly traumatising, but they are the most vulnerable pieces of my story and it hurts to tell them. The truth is I judge myself for that. Even though though I find the courage to be vulnerable in others a beautiful and inspiring trait. 

While this may not seem that relevant for Sinful Sunday, there is a reason I chose to share today. I have been lurking here for a long time, and I am always astounded by how raw and honest many of the images are. Part of not wanting to be vulnerable is making sure my pictures that I share online are very much ‘an image of me’. While I’m not tech savvy enough to do lots of photo-shopping, I am persistent enough and vain enough to make sure my pictures look the way I want so I can portray myself in what I deem to be ‘the internet me’.

In the interest of full disclosure even this week’s image isn’t the me you get first thing in the morning, or the puffy eyed, tear streaked me who has no idea why she’s crying (or does know but is too scared to admit it) or the me that sleeps with the light on sometimes because I’m terrified of my persistent nightmares.

I’m sharing this today because I want to work on being less afraid of admitting some of my truths, not only to others but to myself and to take the opportunity to say how inspiring and touching many of the posts for Sinful Sunday are on a weekly basis, as well as being incredibly sexy.

Please do take a moment to follow the lips to the rest of these weeks Sinful Sunday images and when you find one you love leave a nice comment and show your support to the awesome participants.

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Who else is being Sinful this Sunday?

#SinfulSunday: When In Doubt Wear Red!

Self care comes in many forms. For me it is matching my outer me with my inner me. Recently they have felt a little bit out of sync so I needed to redress the balance. I’m not sure what is says about me that black and red is currently an accurate portrayal of my innermost being. I’m happy to roll with it though because I’m feeling fierce and fiery in my new colour scheme.

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“Do Your Squats

Eat Your Vegetables

Wear Red Lipstick

And Don’t Let Boys

Be Mean To You.”

This is my first time joining in with Sinful Sunday, and I have a long way to go to catch up with some of the seriously talented, sensual, seductive and imaginative photos that get included. Please do click on the link below the lips to see all the wonderful photos submitted this week and consider getting involved yourself.

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Who else is being sinful this Sunday?

Mental Health Matters #4: It’s All About Coco

When I first joined the kink scene I was fascinated by how many cat people there were. As a lifelong dog lover I had never owned a cat and was somewhat baffled by why people thought they were better than dogs. That said I am a huge animal lover and will cuddle anything that will pay me attention, including non furry friends like snakes and lizards. So it’s not that I disliked cats, I just didn’t ‘get them’ in the same way I did dogs.

When my marriage ended I sadly had to re-home my dog, it was unavoidable for many reasons and made me so sad. Thankfully she was re-homed quickly and I was certain to make sure she found a good home. While I missed her personality and seeing her little face each day I did feel a weight had been lifted due to being relieved of an additional responsibility.

Please remember this blog post is about mental health, so it is important to me that I am honest. I don’t want animal lovers everywhere thinking I tossed her aside because I didn’t like having to look after her. I loved her to bits, but dogs are hard work and when you aren’t in the best state of mind, looking after yourself is hard enough. Add a toddler and a very energetic dog into the mix and things begin to become a struggle.

I missed the companionship of having a dog and thought it would be wonderful when I was asked to dog sit for my Dad’s partner. I was wrong. Somewhere along the line the long term company of dogs began to raise my anxiety levels. I still love giving them strokes and attention when I visit, and there’s a dog at Bakji’s house that always makes me smile. When I have to be their caregiver though I start to crumble into a big ball of stress and anxiety. This is noticeable to point Bakji told me I should decline further requests to dog sit, in his serious and stern voice, that’s when I know something is in my best interest.

When my Dad asked me if I could take a cat into my home for a couple of months I was dubious. I absolutely thought it was going to stress me out, but she used to live in my flat (though not with me, but I was known to her) and it was assumed her owner would be absent for a fair while (hospital stay) and I felt sorry for her being in limbo. So she came to stay.

What happened was a surprise to me. Her presence in my life brought me a new level of calm. The cat cuddles and the purring made me feel so much better. When she left a lot sooner than we had thought she would I honestly felt a little bit lost, add to that my son had decided he too was very fond of having a cat in the house, I felt there was only one thing to do … we needed our own feline companion. I am fairly certain she brought some kind of cat voodoo with her, working her witchy cat magic on me so that I would fall in line with the cat plan to dominate the human race and turn us into their food and fuss minions.

Voodoo or not though, I started to think about the right kind of cat for us. I decided a kitten was out of the question. As cute as they are I felt like kitten frenzy might not be what I was looking for. I wanted a grown up cat, who was affectionate playful and good with children. I started gathering information for local cat re-homing centres and we soon found ourselves having a wander round one looking at all the cats that needed homes. I honestly thought it would take us a few visits to find our new friend and was prepared to take our time to find the right fit, for both us and the cat.

What happened though was we found Coco at the first shelter we visited. The moment we approached her door, she jumped down from her resting place and came over to say hi. When we went in to say a proper hello she was interested and friendly and I knew that she was the cat for us. She has been home with us since January 24th and it has been such a pleasure having her make our house a home.

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How could I not bring this face home? 

She was an indoor cat before we got her, and while she has the opportunity to go outside now she isn’t that fussed, which means I have her company for most of the time I’m home. Seeing her little face when I return from work, or just having her wander into the room after a little snooze just lights me up. 

I’ve been having lots of deep thoughts about how I feel love compared to other people, and how I recognise it and whether I connect with love and affection in the way I should. Loving a cat has proven to be free from all that complexity though and as a result seems to have made it easier for me to respond to loving people in a more positive manner too.

IMG_6664.JPGI love sitting with Coco and brushing her, she is super fluffy and needs brushing daily or her fur gets all tangled. Providing her with all her daily needs instead of weighing down on me seems to lighten my load somewhat. The kind of comfort and happiness she has brought into my life is quite childlike and innocent in its nature. 

I think to anyone who doesn’t recognise how anxiety and depression can manifest, it’s hard to explain the mental shift having Coco has brought. I’d imagine that to many people this just sounds like the regular happiness of having an animal in your life. It has been more than that for me though.

Before I started taking the Sertraline prescribed to me by the doctor I felt like I was trapped down a deep, dark hole. I could hear the noise of the outside world above me, but I couldn’t find my way out of the hole to join in properly. The Sertraline helped me build a ladder, and step by step I started to find my way up, out of the hole and into the world. Every now and again I would find things along the way to strengthen the rungs of my ladder; exercise, supplements and healthy eating are a few of those things. Coco seemed to know a shortcut though. It’s as if she laughed at me for building a ladder, and pointed out there had been a door I could use all along, if I just knew how to find it. While I am still building and reinforcing my mental health ladder, I am also being guided through the door into mental well-being by my feline guide.

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Coco also helps with small human’s homework

To anyone who thinks cat ownership (do not tell Coco I said I’m her owner, it so doesn’t work that way with cats) sounds wonderful and magical, it is, but let me be clear, she is still an arsehole, like virtually all cats it seems. She has forced me to rearrange my house, meows at the most inconvenient times, great if 4am wake up calls are you thing and basically seems to view me as her human slave. She is so flippin’ cute though that I’m happy to do as I’m told and follower her training regime to get me to be a suitable human for cohabiting with a cat.

Financially there is an investment too. Many of our local shelters no longer work on a ‘donate what you can’ basis when you re-home an animal from them. They mostly have set fees that allow them to continue doing the work they do, so they can find the best homes for the animals in their care. There is also vets trips, cat litter and food to consider, amongst other things. It isn’t a decision I made lightly, but it is a decision I am so thankful I made.

As an additional thought, for anyone who might read this and has been considering or is now considering giving a home to a cat. Please consider a black one. Our local shelters are made up of somewhere in the range of 60% – 80% black cats at any given time. The ones that aren’t black tend to be reserved and re-homed far quicker. When I saw how many black cats were waiting for homes there was not much chance of me taking home any other colour. I adore my black cat and what she lacks in colour variety she more than makes up for in personality.

I would love to hear from anyone who has found animals of any type to be a positive influence on their mental health. Links to blog posts you may have written on this topic would be fab too. While finding a feline friend is what works for me, I know that for many other people dogs are absolutely their saving grace and I want you all to know I am still delighted by pooches, just in a different way these days. Bunnies, guinea pigs, snakes, horses, chickens, ducks, pigs, cows, goats and many other animals also fill my heart with joy. I just don’t have the space for them all, so it’s just me and my cute as can be Coco for now.

 

5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is something I knew very little about before joining the kink community. It’s then something I got involved in almost as a side effect of being kinky. In truth I never thought I’d truly identify as non-monogamous and I never imagined I’d be truly happy to see someone I was romantically involved with find sexual pleasure with someone else.

As time has gone on I have started to see the value in non-monogamy, not only as something others do but as something I want for myself. I have come to realise that sexual and BDSM non-monogamy is something I really enjoy, but romantically I’m still fairly monogamous.

Continue reading “5 Things That Have Helped Me Navigate Non-Monogamy”

Mental Health Matters #3

It was my birthday back in November and I’d booked the day off work. What actually happened was I ended up having two weeks off courtesy of my doctor after I phoned her in a terrible state.

Winter has kicked my butt big time. The dark and the cold has done nothing to help my mood. October brought with it a lot of memories of a tricky time in my childhood, and it left me feeling like a little girl again. I was a little girl with a child of her own to look after though and I didn’t really know where to turn. For the first time in a long time I wanted my Mum, and as someone who does a very good job at glossing over just how hard her death was for me, wanting her in itself was a struggle.

Continue reading “Mental Health Matters #3”