Category: Consent

Communication: It’s Good For Ewe

Apologies for the terrible pun of title, but I couldn’t resist when I decided to use this photo off Pixabay for my featured image.

IMG_1367

One of the most recurring topics of conversation about how to do kink ‘right’ is about communication. What kinks people have and how they enjoy them is 100% down to their personal preferences, provided of course that they are engaging in them with other consenting adults. For many of us though good communication is a fundamental part of exploring kink. What ‘good’ looks like may indeed vary from person to person, and I think like myself and Bakji, your ‘good’ becomes better over time, and your old ‘good’ looks a little lacking.

Myself and Bakji have grown together in terms of improving our communication and honestly it has been one of the most rewarding parts of our sexy-friendship. Neither of us were great at face to face discussions in the early days, and that meant finding more creative ways of sharing our thoughts with each other.

Continue reading “Communication: It’s Good For Ewe”

Nurse Floss Will See You Now!

Content Warning: Contains thoughts surrounding medical play, blood play, needles and mobility aids as kink equipment.


When I first saw this weeks prompt I was going to attempt a piece of erotica based around one of the only uniforms that I’d like to involve in my own kinky fun, the more I thought on it though the more I thought I should explore the fantasy itself.

One of the main areas of kink that I am keen to explore is medical play. When I’ve mentioned this on social media many of my followers have send DM’s asking me what that even is. In a nutshell it is an umbrella term referring to a number of kinks and fetishes involving objects, practices, environments, and situations of a medical or clinical nature

Continue reading “Nurse Floss Will See You Now!”

[Kink of the Week] Love Me Some Face Slapping

This isn’t a declaration I make very often, be it to his face or on this blog, but I love Bakji loads. Like serious warm and fuzzy feels. He is a wonderful man and he makes me so happy to have him in my life. I’d never want to harm him and keeping him safe and in one piece is my number one priority at all times.

That however doesn’t stop me revelling doing wicked things to him. Wicked things like slapping his face.

Continue reading “[Kink of the Week] Love Me Some Face Slapping”

The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends

For last weeks Wicked Wednesday I wrote a piece of erotica, ‘Cool Shower- Part 2‘ that contained humiliation as its main theme and a little while back I wrote ‘(Super Sexy) Thoughts on Erotic Humiliation’, and recently it is a kink that I have been thinking about more and more and I would really love to share some of my developing thoughts with you all.

It is no secret to anyone who has read my blog posts on non-monogamy that it has been a work in progress sorting through my feelings on it. One of the feelings I struggled with the most was that ‘bleurgh’ feeling in the pit of my stomach when I tried to visualise Bakji with another lady. I honestly thought this was one of those things I had to just put up with if I wanted to be non-monogamous.

Continue reading “The Cone of Shame is Fun with Friends”

A Switchy Girl’s Guide To … Trigger Plans.

Try as we might to ensure all our BDSM scenes and play session go smoothly, there is always a chance of something not going according to plan. When an action, phrase or scenario stimulates a reaction in an individual we refer to it as a trigger.

Trigger – an experience that provokes or generates a memory or reaction for someone

For the purposes of this article I am referring to the kind of triggers that are unwelcome and will likely end your scene and require all participants involved to know what the next steps are after the trigger has occurred. It is worth noting though that triggers can also be used to stimulate welcome reactions, but this should absolutely be explored after negotiation and with consent.

Triggers may be known to us, or they may be something we stumble upon during play. I have been trigger twice during my time as a kinkster and both times they were things that I did not know to avoid. Now I know and I would actively mention the activities that triggered to future partners as hard limits.

It can be mortifying to everyone involved when a trigger is found, especially if you weren’t expecting it. Nobody likes to be the one to end a scene early, but there is no good to come from blaming ourselves or others when this happens. It is one of the risks we accept when engaging in kink and how we deal with it has the potential to be a defining moment in whether or not a dynamic is successful or indeed if someone chooses to continue exploring their kinks. Not to mention that some triggers may relate to past abuse, including but not limited to things like rape, sexual assault, physical assault, verbal abuse and domestic violence. All triggers are valid and important but it is worth remembering some may transcend what we are used to handling in our own lives.

Reassuring. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. These should be the kinds of things we aim to provide with a trigger plan. Ensuring our partner/s a safe space to recover and work through the feelings they have encountered.

To give a comprehensive list of what things might trigger someone would be impossible. Physical actions, name calling, teasing,  specific words, smells, songs, body positions, tone of voice, emotions, noises, individual people, are just a few things that might trigger someone. While that may make it seem like a terrifying prospect to play with anybody, just in case you trigger them, the solution to navigating triggers is simple. Communication.

Anyone and everyone who offers advice or education on BDSM will mention communication so often that you will wonder if we get some sort of commission from a secret communication organisation. The truth is, we go on about it so often because it is so incredibly important. Discussing past experiences, current desire and hopes for your kinky future can go a long way to highlighting what might be a potential trigger.

Even with due diligence and everyone’s best effort, things can still go wrong. It might be with a new partner, it could be after years with being someone. Sometimes it might make sense, sometimes it might not. Whatever the situation or the specific trigger what can we do to help someone after the event.

As with everything in life individual cases will differ, but some of the more popular things that get included in trigger plans are:

  • Physical affection and closeness
  • Being in company
  • Being left alone
  • Food and drink
  • Staying warm and cosy
  • Peace and quiet
  • Talking things through
  • Taking their mind of it
  • Anything that offers comfort – cuddly toy, favourite music, favourite movie etc

Trigger plans are not just for bottoms and submissives. Tops and Dominants may also require support after triggers too. If as a bottom or submissive you are wondering how you help a Top or Dominant through a trigger, the answer is simple, treat them like a person and offer them the same kindness you would want for yourself.

IMG_7094It can be extremely tough to watch someone you care for suffer the effects of being triggered, especially if it is your actions or a thought you induced that caused it. While in the immediate moments and days after a trigger are quite rightly likely to be focused on the person who experienced the trigger, I would recommend that once you feel able to that you check in on your partner and enquire after their feelings on what happened.

When done correctly everything we do in kink we do together. Whether you are engaging in a long term D/s dynamic or a one time Top/bottom exchange. No one is exempt from feelings, and everyone has the potential to be triggered. The balance of giving and taking is far easier when things are going right, but keeping that same balance when things go wrong is often a lot harder, but it’s just as, if not more imperative to get right in those situations.


This is the fourth instalment in my ‘A Switchy Girls Guide to Kink, Fetish and BDSM’ series of posts. The next instalment is ‘BDSM Labels and Roles’.  If you would like to hear more of my thoughts you can tune in to the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast, or you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram or you can send a friend request on Fetlife through _Floss_.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Cuckolding. It’s Not Completely Cuckoo!

Cuckolding. Is It What You Think It Is?

The dictionary definition of a cuckold is, ‘the husband of an adulteress, often regarded as an object of derision.’ In terms of cuckolding as a kink or Fetish there is a lot missing from that sentence to get a clear picture of why people enjoy cuckolding with the kink community.

I’m going to start with the term adulteress. Adultery is defined as extramarital sex that is objectionable on the grounds of social, religious, moral or legal grounds. In terms of consensual cuckolding as part of a kink lifestyle, I don’t think many people would identify themselves as an adulterer. While society may class any extramarital sex as adultery, when the sex in question is strengthening or adding to your marriage or long term relationship, it doesn’t really come under the same category as infidelity.

There are many branches of non-monogamy, some of which are more familiar overall than others, but all of which are misunderstood by anyone not well versed in them. Cuckolding is no different. Within the kink community anyone who is engaged with cuckolding, if doing it in a healthy manner, will have consent from all parties involved, boundaries and/or limits they adhere to and lots of communication.

There are as many ways to conduct a cuckolding relationship as there are people into it. It isn’t one size fits all and we shouldn’t assume everyone does it for the same reasons. Yes many men who identify as a cuckold will be into humiliation and that will be huge part of the dynamic with his partner, however many men will not engage in the humiliation element of cuckolding and their dynamic will focus on other aspects that cuckolding can encourage.

The paragraph above was very gender specific, which is something I normally try to avoid, but I specifically went there because when most people think of cuckolding they think of a cisgendered heterosexual man, whose wife or certainly female partner is cheating on him with another man or multiple men. As with most, if not all kinks though, cuckolding does not have to be, and is not gender specific. People can be into cuckolding no matter their gender, sexuality or kink identity.

If It Isn’t Always About Humiliation, What is It About?

Validation of Choices – Have you ever felt pleased when someone complimented you on a new purchase? Be that shoes or car. Knowing someone else is attracted to your partner can cause that same feeling. That isn’t to say that this kind of validation is needed for people to love or be attracted to their partner, but it can certainly enhance arousal.

Power Exchange – Being stripped of your ability to have input while your partner engages in sexual activity, while you not only get none for yourself but may also be ‘forced’ to watch as they fuck someone else can be an extremely arousing situation for some people. It is worth repeating that these kinds of dynamics need clear negotiation and explicit consent before being embarked upon.

Sexual Arousal – For many people it is arousing to see their partner or hear about their partner being sexual with another person. There will be no more or no less to it than that.

Exploration of Taboos – Exploring and experiencing things we have grown up being told are wrong can be a really powerful sexual motivator. Cuckolding lends itself well to many people exploring a lot of societal taboos.

Escapism – As with many kinks, engaging in cuckolding will be a way of letting go and escaping the everyday for many people. That isn’t to say there aren’t 24/7 lifestyle cuckolds, of course there are. There are probably more casual cuckolds though who simply enjoy it when they can to take a step away from daily grind for a while.

Chastity – Lots of men are into chastity. Not all of them are into cuckolding. However, for some men into chastity one of the things that makes being locked away even hotter is knowing that other penises are free to fuck the woman that owns their very locked up cock.

Humiliation – Why have I have saying it isn’t about humiliation only to go and say it is? Easy, because when people think of the humiliation aspect they often get it wrong. Erotic humiliation can be extremely arousing and powerful form of emotional masochism. To engage in humiliation in a healthy and constructive manner you need to have oodles of trust in your partner, great communication skills and a really good idea of what humiliation means to you. Humiliating your partner without their consent is just abuse, fucking someone else to humiliate your partner without their consent is cruel not kinky. Being able to embrace your desire to be humiliated takes a lot of strength and courage, so it doesn’t necessarily correlate with the usual assumption of a cuckold being weak.

Cuckold? Really? Can We Have Another Word?

The origin of the word cuckold comes from the Cuckoo* bird’s habit of laying its eggs in another birds nest, therefore the unwitting bird will raise offspring that is not its own. Originally being used to refer to men whose partners were deceiving them by sleeping with another man, or men who were unwittingly raising another man’s offspring. With means that it is a somewhat imprecise term for many people who are into cuckolding.

IMG_7318.JPGAlternatives are thin on the ground though, and probably don’t provide many better options. HotWife lifestyle is probably the only other descriptive that offers similar activities but without the associated negative connotations of its roots being in infidelity and humiliation. However I am well aware many people would not feel it is suitable for them, and I am neither supporting nor condemning it.

*Because disclaimers are all the rage I feel obliged to mention that not all species of Cuckoo do this. I do not want to offend any non-cuckolding Cuckoos or any Ornithologists.

When it comes to terminology, there are some options but again I don’t think they feel like the right fit for everyone. Especially if gender specific terms are not appropriate or wanted.

Cuckquean – Female variant of a cuckold

Bull – Man with whom a cuckold’s partner is having sex

Cuckcake – Woman with whom a cuckqueans partner is having sex

What if you are the partner who is free to enjoy sexual encounters while your cuckold stays home or watches the fun in some cases? You may be a CuckQueen (note this is different to cuckquean), Cuckoldress or HotWife. Interestingly male versions of these terms do not seem to exist, so make of that what you will.

Surely If The Terms Don’t Fit Your Kink Is Something Else?

Yes and no. There is a specific element of cuckolding that you don’t get with other branches of non-monogamy or kink. While your partner is fucking someone else, you aren’t. You’re not fucking them and you’re not fucking anyone else either. Maybe you’re watching, maybe you’re sat at home alone or maybe you’re at work knowing your partner is getting their kicks anywhere but with you. Why someone is turned on or content with that might vary, but the specific nature of cuckolding means that you are not providing the sexual pleasure.

Perhaps if we saw more positive and honest examples of this particular kink we would be able to move away from the negative and sometimes incorrect assumptions that usually come with it.

Floss Is Wrong and She’s Ruining My Life

Wow! Sucks to be you then.

On a more serious note I realise that for people who live this lifestyle I may not be supporting the truths of how they view cuckolding and what that means to them. Unfortunately though no matter who you are or what your kink is, it is going to evolve and cuckolding is no different.

It is evolving and as such demanding people do it in one particular way is going to achieve nothing. The ‘one true way’ BDSM folk are dwindling, though still existing I grant you that, because their reluctance to accept new and/or alternative ideas makes them seem unpleasant and elitist.

Surely someone understanding, supporting and embracing something even if only from time to time is better than them having no outlet for their desires and being unfulfilled.

Before, during and after I wrote this I perused cuckolding forums and cuckolding groups on Fetlife and Reddit to ensure I wasn’t making any absolutely absurd claims. I do not want to misrepresent anyone, and I do not speak for the entire kink community on this blog, what I do want to do though is challenge people’s assumptions of a wide variety of kinks and try to encourage more acceptance of not only kink in general, but for kinks that may not be our own.

My blog mainly reaches people who are new to kink and are looking to learn and as such I try present my information in a way that is supportive, non-judgemental; and will hopefully give people a starting point for what may or may not be their kink. For that reason it may not match your own experience if you have been in the lifestyle for a long time.

If you enjoy the content I provide both here and as part of the #ProudToBeKinky Podcast and you would like to support that, then likes and comments are joyful to receive and you can also click below to support me through Ko-fi

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Talking About Kink To A Vanilla Partner

N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I did not get this right. Not at all. I also see people getting it wrong all the time. So many messages on Reddit, Fetlife, Lovehoney etc, the main theme of them being, ‘how can I get partner to do x, y or z with me.’ Hint: You don’t. You ask, you talk, you explore with consent. You don’t plot and scheme ways to coerce and wear a partner down until they say yes. Whether your kink is anal sex or bondage.

If you are kinky, and to your knowledge your partner isn’t then please tread carefully. Remember that you’ve had time to think about these things, your partner has not, they will need time to process, time to decide and time to learn, if they wish to experiment with you. Have resources at hand that they can look to for initial answers, and be willing to answer all their questions, even the ones that might hurt a bit.

Be willing to compromise and start slow. You may well have a whole scene planned in your head, where you partner is Dominant, taking full control, restraining you, spanking you, using toys on you, perhaps you fancy some humiliation or sensory deprivation, that is a lot to process for someone who identifies as not kinky. They might however be willing to do some light bondage while teasing you with a vibrator. Don’t be disappointed that it isn’t everything at once, be grateful they are willing to try.

I’m not proud of the fact that when I realised I was kinky I just assumed my partner at the time would be into it as well. He wasn’t, at all. He tried, and some things went fairly well, some things left me feeling a bit icky afterwards. He was very sweet to try though, and I don’t for one second blame him for not getting into it. Kink is not his thing. I do however wish I’d been more gentle with asking for and introducing kink. As it turns out that relationship is no longer going, and we are still great friends. I wish I’d understood though how jarring it is to have a partner suddenly drop the kink bomb on you.

You may have been with the partner you are sharing with for a month, a year or a decade. You may have a thriving sexual relationship and you might be planning for a blooming future together. This does not mean they owe you your chance to get kinky though. If they aren’t into it and don’t want to do it, you can’t force them and you shouldn’t want to. Their enthusiastic consent is paramount, whether it’s for a spanking or a sexual act.

My next opinion might not be popular, but I truly believe that if you are so kinky you can’t imagine living your life without it, and your partner is not kinky and doesn’t really want to be. Instead of figuring out how we can coerce them into it, we should be figuring out how we can part ways with the least amount of destruction and heartbreak possible. I know that this hurts, I know it’s hard to make these decisions, and I know because I did it. It is not fair to anyone though to live a life that may end ultimately in resentment. Whatever the issue is that might cause that. I’m not saying this is the solution for every person, but it will be the solution for some people, like it was for me. We should not be shamed if this is our choice.

If however you have a non-kink partner who is eager to explore with you, brilliant. Do let them take things at their own pace though and be prepared that they might discover kinks of their own that you weren’t prepared for. Even if they discover that they had a kinky side after all, there’s no saying that your kinks will align. Kinks are many and varied, and the ones we are into can take us by surprise.

When it comes specifically to D/s, if you harbour ideas of high protocol or a 24/7 D/s dynamic, again this will not happen overnight, even if your partner is up for giving it a go. I would highly recommend getting our onto your local scene and meeting people who have similar dynamics, online communities offer a huge amount of support and resources too. Signing up for something similar to 30 Days of D/s is great you can both talk through what each topic means to you and identify what might be most important to you both in a D/s dynamic.

It would also be remiss of me to recommend checking out some podcasts. Part of why we started #ProudToBeKinky was not only for kinksters looking to get information on how to get out and about to make friends within the community, but also to make it accessible and friendly for those who are kink curious. Other podcasts like Loving BDSM are great for learning about a more specific dynamic, and again they are not going to be terrifying to someone who is simply curious and looking to learn.

Don’t run before you walk though, and don’t be angry with yourself or each other if you make mistakes. Whether that is in terms of D/s or general kink activities. When you’re learning things might go wrong, or certain things might not be a good fit. If you keep talking to each other though and being honest about what is going well and what isn’t feeling so great, over time you should find your own rhythm and you own way of doing things.

At the end of the day though many, many people are not kinky and that is 100% okay. As much I support people and their desire to get their kink on, I also support people and their desire to get their vanilla on. I used ‘vanilla’ in the title of the post, but there’s a reason I didn’t use it throughout the blog post. I try really hard to not use it in what could come off as ‘ugh, vanilla, how crap’, which does unfortunately happen sometimes in the kink community. Vanilla is valid, and it’s yummy and no one should be shamed for not being kinky. Someone might not be full on kinky, but they might well be vanilla with chocolate sprinkles and that can be a lot of fun too.