Category: Break-Ups

[Kink] When a (D/s) Relationship Ends

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N.B: This blog post was inspired an email from the Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s. If you haven’t listened to their podcast yet please do so, you can also check out the website for great resources and links on how to listen or follow on social media.


I haven’t had a D/s relationship end as such since joining the kink scene. I have ended my interactions with people, and adjusted the parameters of play with people, and some kinky friendships and moved into more platonic realms. Those things either felt like an evolution of a friendship though, or the interaction I was ending didn’t feel like a ‘relationship’ to me.

I have however witnessed the end of many D/s relationships and that has given me some insight into how hard the end of a D/s dynamic can be. Especially for those people who are heavily involved in the kink community, it isn’t always that easy to create distance and time out from the person you are no longer involved with. Which can be exceptionally hard.

While I hope with all my heart that Bakji and I have many happy times ahead of us, I also acknowledge the fact that we may not always be together. I’ve done my fair share of believing in ‘forever’ when I was married and it still ended, despite the fact it would have been wonderful if it could have continued and for both of us to have been content. Relationships do end though, for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes we need to remove the people from our lives, but sometimes we want to keep them as a part of lives in some way too.

My marriage was not a D/s dynamic, but I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex-husband. Partly because it makes child rearing together much easier, but also because I love him dearly and he was my best friend for 10 years, just removing him from my life would have been heartbreaking. I feel very blessed that he felt the same, despite being devastated by my decision to end the relationship.

I feel much the same about Bakji. I cannot imagine not being friends with him. I can imagine scenarios in which our lives might cause us to head in different directions, I can understand that one day we might want different things from life or from our relationships, either together or with others. In all those scenarios though, I always imagine us finding a way to be friends, even if it takes time, while we readjust to new situations and difference of feelings.

I know this sounds a bit idealistic, and lots of people will probably be reading this going ‘yeah that’s not going to happen’ or ‘it’s not always that easy’. The thing is though, is that I believe in our friendship. I believe it is strong enough to withstand the loss of romantic and sexual connection.

I also prepare for these eventualities in my mind. Not in a depressing, ‘it’s doomed to fail’ kind of way, partly because I don’t see the end of relationships as a failure. Especially not good ones that just happen to run their course. It’s more that I know things might change, and I want to know how prepared I am to adapt to and accept those changes

Don’t get me wrong, some actions or attitudes would make this impossible. There are limits to my optimism. However, I also believe in Bakji and I can’t see him ever committing the actions that are on the list of unacceptable behaviours, and he’d have to have a full personality swap for his attitude to make me want to stop being friends with him.

Part of this approach to things, is keeping communication open. Obviously I want our relationship to continue, so I’m mindful to make sure we are each getting what we need from it. I’d much rather know early on if there is something that can change, rather than never know and it cause everything to implode. I’ve made the mistake of not addressing the little things before and it did not end well.

I know this isn’t about relationships actually ending as such, and even less about D/s relationships ending. I wrote it anyway though because you never know when your thoughts may resonate with someone, no matter how much they have digressed from the initial prompt.

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Have You Considered Your Part …?

Have you considered your part in what happened?

I think this a lot when I hear people declaring how they are the innocent victim in their breakup. Mostly because I’ve been on both sides of the coin, and I know how hurtful it can be to be portrayed as the heartless villain. I also know what it’s like to feel sad and hurt because someone left when I still ached for them. Not once have I vilified a person for not loving me though, or for choosing a different life to what I could offer. At the end of the day we all have the right to live the life we want.

I know when you’re hurting it’s easier to push the blame onto someone else, but actually in my experience it is very rarely all one sided. I would love to be able to wash my hands of blame in the wrong doings of my terminated relationships. It would erase feelings of shame and guilt that I cannot shake. At the end of the day though, I made my choices and I have to accept my part in where those choices led.

When a person is beside themselves with sorrow that their relationship has ended I always assume they must have done everything they possibly could to make it work. However, most of the time when you delve deeper you discover this isn’t the case.

People leave relationships for lots of reasons, some of the reasons I have terminated my own are as follows:

I felt used
I felt controlled
I felt manipulated
I felt worthless
I felt like I was an option not a priority
I felt negatively impacted by the situation the relationship had me in
I felt like no matter what I said, or what I needed nothing could or would change

But predominantly I left because I feel like I deserve to feel cherished and special, I deserve to feel like I matter, and not just when it’s convenient or when it’s easy, but everyday that someone chooses to be with me, because that is what I offer in return.

I don’t need these things to be shown to me in grand gestures, a good morning text, an ‘I miss you’ or a random ‘I saw this and thought of you’ will do it. But if someone fades away from me, if they’re no longer there for my everyday’s then I start to pull away. Because to me, something has changed for them. It may not be something they can control, but unfortunately that doesn’t always help matters.

I don’t think wanting those things for myself is asking too much. Maybe it is though, maybe I’m selfish for wanting the best out of life. Maybe it’s selfish to put my own mental health before anothers. Maybe it’s selfish to have fought so many battles of my own, that I can no longer fight other peoples. Perhaps I am wrong in wanting to surround myself in joy and positivity as much as life will allow.

I’m far from perfect and I make mistakes, but if someone wants me in their life they are damn well going to have to prove it and by the same token if I want to be with someone I will do all I can to be the best I can be for them but if I fail and they walk away, I will accept my part in that decision being made.