Sex means PIV*
Everything else is foreplay, petting, making out, etc
Wow, okay, I definitely need to take a deep breath before I write this post. The quote above is the prompt for this week’s No True Way and as soon as I saw it I knew I had to get my bum in gear to share something because my immediate response was ‘ew, gross, what the fuck’.
It feels important to state right from the outset that I love, love, love, LOVE penis in vagina (PIV) sex. I think it’s. Sometimes it’s the I crave the most from a sexy session and it’s definitely one of my favourite things to do with Mr F, having his dick inside me is supremely awesome and feels incredible. I point this out to make it clear I’m not slating PIV sex. I am however declaring that the quote above is absolute trash and needs to get in the bin.
I’m no expert but I’d imagine there are a variety of definitions of sex depending on who is defining it. The legal definition, the churches definition, the dictionary definition and probably a whole load more too. I’m going to leave those well alone though to be tackled by someone far more knowledgeable than me and instead give my opinion on what I think sex is when it is occuring between two consenting adults.
As someone who has had very enjoyable sex with folks who don’t have a penis, I absolutely think sex is still sex without a penis being involved. For me sex does involve penetration, that is entirely down to personal feelings though, I think it’s possible to have a fulfilling sex life without any penetration being involved at all. I believe that it’s important to know what sex looks like for you and to communicate that with any sexual partners you might have.
My definition of sex includes fingering, handjobs, mouths on genitals, kissing boobs, anal penetration and generally rolling around naked with another human. I know some of those definitely aren’t included in some people’s definitions of sex. The way I see it though is if Mr F did any of those things with another person we’d be in cheating territory. I don’t class kissing as sex but if you’re kissing completely naked and running your hands over someone’s body, well that to me strays into sex territory. A completely clothed kiss though, with no fondling but even with tongues, not sex in my book.
If you disagree with my definition of sex that’s totally okay, so long as you and yours know what sex is for you. This was especially true for me when exploring non-monogamy. There were people I did kink with but not sex and if I wasn’t clear about my definition of sex they may have thought fingering was okay, if to them fingering wasn’t technically sex. There have also been a fair few people I’ve had awesome sexy encounters with where no PIV occurred but the experience was so sexy and satisfying that if it wasn’t sex, then I honestly have no idea what else it would be.
I’m sure there are some sex-positive, open-minded and brilliant people who personally define sex as PIV only and all the other acts as foreplay. For the most part, it seems to be that the people who hold that view are either looking for a loophole to prove they didn’t cheat, think the penis is so almighty that unless one has been involved you can’t possibly have had sex or don’t really know how to do the other things well so it has to be penis for the win.
Overall I’m not a huge fan of the term foreplay, mostly because more often than not it seems to diminish how awesome the acts included in it are and it also tends to imply that those acts must come first as a way to get to PIV. I don’t think sex should be quite that prescriptive. For us, there’s always lots of fingering both before PIV and after. Mr F uses it as his main way to make me orgasm and it’s also the act that creates the most intense sensations. Doing it just a bit before PIV and no more would be a tragically wasted opportunity. There are also lots of things that get me fired up and outrageously turned on that I know some people don’t see fit to include as foreplay. Flirting and kissing are the main two.
For months Mr F and I flirted at work, I know for him he didn’t necessarily think it was more than a big of a giggle, but for me, I was absolutely flirting to lay the groundwork before I made a move on him. The night we had our first sexual encounter it began with dancing and lots of physical contact when we spoke. All of that was as much foreplay as anything else. Even now I wouldn’t say our foreplay is any of the overtly sexual stuff, it’s roaming hands and urgent kisses, by the time we get to fingering and blowjobs then is sex already in action for us.
As for orgasms, well I hadn’t even thought about including them in my definition of sex until I read other people’s takes on this topic. Until I was 28 I couldn’t orgasm at all. Not alone or with a partner. Not for lack of trying either. Once I had Small Human though it just started happening, it was as if giving birth paved the way to a whole range of new sensations. If I was to include an orgasm being present for me to have had sex then I wouldn’t have had sex until I was 28 and had already conceived a child through sexual intercourse. Somehow that doesn’t seem quite right to me. So for me personally orgasms are not required for it to be sex and I absolutely believe fulfilling sex can happen without orgasms because I’ve had it myself.
I’m also open to my definition of sex changing, either because I need it to or Mr F needs it to. I hope we’ve established a good level of openness and communication about our desires so that if and when things need to change we can accommodate that without anyone feeling less desirable or rejected and we definitely wouldn’t stop having sex if PIV stopped being an option because in my book there’s definitely more to sex than that.