CW: Body image & a desire to make changes
In the past when I haven’t felt much like sharing writing, then sharing photos has always been a good thing to fall back on. Lately I haven’t even been doing that and that’s part of why the blog has fallen so quiet. As I said in my previous post it’s not about time, it’s simply that I don’t feel comfortable sharing photos at the moment.
I wanted to talk about this, I wanted to share my thoughts about why I don’t feel as good in front of the camera any more but honestly I felt like any thoughts I had about my own body would somehow be construed by others as slights against their body. I have no desire to offend others or contribute to unhealthy attitudes towards how we are expected to look, but my truth is my own and I can’t continue with this blog if I have to pretend I’m okay when I’m not.
I am immensely proud of the images I’ve shared over the years and I dearly hope I get back to doing that again but right now I am not happy inside my own skin and because of that my desire to take photos has dropped dramatically.
It’s not that there’s anything wrong with how I look, there really isn’t, I know there isn’t and I keep telling myself I should just suck it up, accept the way I am and take the images I always have done. I have tried to power through and the resulting images just make me feel worse. It’s not even that I want some idealised body type, I just want to be in a place where I feel sexy again. I feel out of shape both inside and out. I need to exercise more and my new running trainers arrive later in the week so hopefully I can be motivated to pick that up again.
During the first lockdown I gained weight for the first time in a long time and the changes it brought to my body were actually ones I enjoyed, that’s where I’d like to get back to. It’s not about shedding any hint of my postpartum body, that’s impossible because Tiny Human has left his mark in many ways. In fact Small Human is a little bit put out that my pregnancy with him didn’t result in any stretch marks or permanent changes to show I carried him. He asked me how I was meant to remember my pregnancy with him without them.
I know that from other people’s viewpoints I shouldn’t be talking about this, I know because they’ve made it abundantly clear. Truthfully though many people are judging that based on how they assume my body looks based on previously shared images. Not that I should have to prove I look a certain way to get clearance to discuss my own personal feelings, but honestly, I do feel like I have to make a hundred disclaimers just to say ‘hey, no images for now while I get my confidence, health and body back to where I’d like it’.
This post isn’t about you, it’s not about what I find attractive in others, or about what society wants me to be. It’s about the fact I don’t feel like me and I don’t think I should have to be unhappy with how I am if I have the tools available to make the changes that will make me feel good again.
I’ve taken a few steps recently to give myself a confidence boost. One of which is in the image above, a new tattoo. It’s far from finished, the full design covers the whole of my arm, but knowing I have this work in progress is giving me a real buzz. I love how it looks, I love how much extra ink coverage it give me and overall I’m so pleased I had the opportunity to get it started. For someone not into tattoos I’m sure it’s hard to understand why for many of us they are a go to feel good experience. For me though, it’s such a positive moment when I leave the studio and my body is changed in a way I chose. The more ink I have across my skin the more at home I feel in my body and that has always been the case.
Alongside the new tattoo I also bought some new clothes. Nothing fancy, just some cool t-shirts and a new cardigan but I got fed up of holding myself to ransom over not needing new clothes, but simply needing to fit into the old ones. I don’t particularly care about the size of clothes I need to buy, I’d be quite happy to be the size I am, if I could just tweak a couple of aspects of what I see when I look in the mirror. The new clothes haven’t arrived yet, but who knows when they do, maybe I’ll be inspired to do some t-shirt and panties images. I’m assuming the inspiration and desire to take photos again could hit at any time.
So if you enjoy my images, please hold tight. They will be back, providing that I don’t yeet the whole blog into the sun come December (see previous post as to why this might happen).
CW: Body image & a desire to make changes