“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West
I’ve discussed before how I’ve made decisions in life that have baffled other people because appearances can be deceiving and often when we seem happy and content things are quite that straightforward behind closed doors. I have always strived to do what I thought was best for my own happiness though and sometimes those decisions have seemed, and indeed have been, selfish, but my thinking is that if I’m not living my life in a way that leaves me with little to no regrets then maybe I’m living life wrong.
When my Mum died she was 53 and one of the feelings I had when she died was sadness & regret on her behalf. Towards the end of her life she’d had some once in a lifetime experiences that I’m so pleased she got to enjoy but I also know that she didn’t always feel that great about some of her past decisions. I am blessed that I wasn’t one of them. It was no secret that I wasn’t exactly a planned baby, but as my Mum always put it I was a happy accident. From the moment I was born until the moment she died she made it abundantly clear that I was the best and most wonderful thing she had ever done with her life. Now, I am so grateful she loved me that much but I do wish that she’d had more moments or loves in her life that she could have at least ranked in her top five underneath having me.
After she died I promised myself I’d live my life fully and without regret, not for her, not in a way she perhaps wished she’d lived hers but in a way that left me in no doubt I’d done all I could to be as happy and content as I could.
This past week Mr F and I were chatting about the new baby as we often do and we got to talking about how we came to the baby making decision and why I agreed to it when I thought for so long I was done with having children. The truth is something in my gut told me really early on that Mr F was part of me living my life right and when we were lying in bed deciding we were in fact a couple, followed by him pointing out he’d like a baby in the near future, all at once all parts of my being told me that was the most perfect decision to make.
Up to the point I started my journey with Mr F I was blessed to have other people and adventures in my life that while they may not have been ‘forever adventures’ were absolutely wonderful and right for the moment adventures. I don’t for one minute regret getting married to Small Human’s Dad, he is a wonderful friend and a great support to me and my new little family. Of course, having gained a wonderful little boy from having known and loved him is also a blessing and one I am glad we share.
I then spent five years or so exploring kink, going to fetish clubs, forging friendships and discovering more about myself than I ever could have imagined possible. Those experiences have largely provided my content for this blog which has also been a huge part of my life and something that I hope continues for many years to come, even if it varies a little from the site it once was.
There are of course things I wonder about, I sometimes wish I’d made different career choices. I spent a long time avoiding jobs I was interested in, or not considering certain sectors because other people told me they weren’t right for me. I would have loved to have discovered that I actually enjoy working in kitchens whilst I wasn’t navigating hospitality hours with having a child. I also wish I hadn’t learnt the hard way why getting into debt is a horrific lifestyle choice, that is something I was naively plummeted into with my ex and I do wish we had made very different decisions but you live and learn, so all I can do is avoid making those mistakes again and hopefully guide my children away from doing the same.
Now living my life right involves three other people and we have so many plans to make our future together bright and enjoyable. I’m excited to spend time together and watch how we all grow and change as individuals and as a family. I truly believe we have an amazing life ahead of us and I know we will all do our best to live it right.
I’ve been asked more than once how I’ve known my decisions were the right ones, or what made me so certain in my choices. The truth is I’m a big believer in following that feeling in my belly that says ‘go for it’. Even when all the odds are against me, or it looks like I’m making a huge mistake, if my gut is telling me to make a change or take a risk then 99% of the time I’m going to go for what I believe is the right move for me, regardless of how it looks to other people.