To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves – Federico García Lorca
I’ve definitely written posts in the past that discuss how I relate to the above. A quick summary of those posts would be how for a long time I felt like passion and love were something I had to choose between. Asking for both, or voicing my opinions that I not only wanted, but felt like I deserved both was often met with the counter opinion that I was being unrealistic and looking back on past relationships this would have seemed to be true.
All of my past relationships were lacking balance and in all of them, I felt like I had to forego something I was desiring because the other person wasn’t quite on the same page as me. In the end, all of my relationships ended for that reason, I felt like I was missing something and I can only suppress that feeling for so long. Yes, in most cases there were other factors too, but the underlying cause in hindsight was that desire I had inside to find what it was I was looking for.
When I started hooking up with Mr F it was a decision driven by sexual desire, it was only after a couple of months that I realised there was potentially more to our blossoming friendship. It’s been the only relationship I’ve ever had where I didn’t push for us to define it. I could feel what it was it was and I was happy to just let things happen at their own speed.
In previous relationships I’ve also felt uncomfortable talking about certain things, what those things are has varied but has included my emotions generally, my mental health, finances and all things sex related. With Mr F I’ve yet to come across a topic that we can’t discuss openly, neither of us has ever hidden our desires whether they were about sex or having babies and I think we are flourishing because of that.
I still think it’s early days for us in terms of length of time together, but in that time we’ve been cooped up together during 3 lockdowns and if that doesn’t test a relationship then I don’t know what does. I also know that when I look back on the issues I’d had in previous relationships by the 18 month mark, I don’t see any of those being present with myself and Mr F.
There are of course desires that are sexual or relating to relationships and I think it is equally important to embrace those too. For a long time that has included blogging and considering I’m writing this post, I think in some ways it still does, but how much I want to pour into the blog has definitely changed. Being pregnant has definitely slowed down, or diverted my brain’s attention to blogging. Sometimes the desire is there, but the energy or words aren’t. The community spirit still feels off to me too, but I enjoy having this outlet, so I can’t imagine ever giving it up completely.
At the moment my biggest desire is just to enjoy my family. I am 5 weeks away from my due date, which means baby could be here sooner, or he could be here later. We also have a new kitten arriving in 10 days, so we will have our hand full that’s for sure. I can’t wait though. I’m excited that I get to spend a full summer holiday off with Small Human and his new brother, no worrying about childcare or planning days out around work. I just get to be with my boys and focus on keeping them fed, watered and full of smiles.
There are bigger desires too, mostly ones that involve going on adventures but I think in reality they will have to wait until next year. We’d love to go on holiday, preferably one that involves going on a plane. I think we’d like somewhere warm with nice beaches, a decent waterpark, a swimming pool and lots of good food to enjoy.
Returning to sexual desires though, there are some of them I’m looking forward to addressing post-pregnancy. While pregnancy sex has been enjoyable in many ways, I have been very tired and my libido hasn’t exactly been high. I’m also not as limber as I was and I miss just being able to straddle Mr F as he sits on the sofa or roll myself on top of him as we lie in bed together. Of course, navigating these things with a small baby in the house is its own challenge, but I’ve got faith in us, I know we can do it. I’m certain there are lots more desires on the horizon for us to conquer too.