‘We waste time looking for the perfect lover,
instead of creating the perfect love’ – Tom Robbins
The current Kink of the Week topic and the Quote Quest prompt are both on the topic of love and I have to say I was really excited to write about love, but where does one begin with such a broad and often intense topic.
I often think that as I’ve got older my approach to love has changed, especially when I consider my adventures in non-monogamy, which undeniably taught me a lot about love, sex, friendship and relationships in general. The truth is that the kind of romantic love I crave hasn’t actually changed, perhaps it’s matured and expanded, but at it’s very core my ideal notion of romantic love is the same as it was when I was 16.
I have to say though, and I may as well get it out of the way early, I disagree with the quote offered to us for this week’s Quote Quest, even though I know others will explore it in a way that makes me see it from a different perspective. For me though, I have been in situations where the lover didn’t feel like the perfect one for me, but nevertheless, had I chosen too we could have created something amazing together had I stayed with them.
I have been in more than one relationship where everything was great and the only thing lacking was the passion I wanted to accompany the romantic love or kink dynamic we had together. For me, the perfect love has a wonderful balance of passion, alongside the domesticity of daily life and the feelings of romantic love. Without that passion love just doesn’t feel complete. I often felt and was often told, that I was reaching for something unattainable and unrealistic. Yet, I still kept hoping that one day I would meet the perfect lover and as a result, the perfect love would naturally occur.
I have been in relationships where friendship & love were the first to blossom, relationships were kink compatibility was the driving force behind our union but not until I started a relationship that was instigated by an unrelenting desire to fuck each other did I finally find what, to me, feels like the perfect love.
There is no denying that Mr F and I got together because the sex was out of this world, for both of us. Even the most standard of fucks, feel bloody amazing and this spills over into how physically affectionate we are with each other, regardless of whether or not sex is on the menu at that given time. This is what I could never get past partners to understand. I can’t be physically affectionate with someone, at least not well and often, if I don’t feel like they are passionate about me and my romantic feelings won’t stay put if I don’t feel like you are passionate about me.
When I talk about passion, I don’t necessarily mean sex either. Bum touches, boob grabs, making out, thigh stroking all make me feel like I am wanted and desired, which in turn stimulates my need for physical closeness and that physical closeness binds our romantic love like a glue. When I met Mr F and as our relationship continued I realised how it was growing, I finally felt like I had found what I was looking for and in some ways, I felt vindicated in terms of not stopping that search, even though I was judged when I ended relationships that others deemed to be suitable for me.
Another thing I’ve learnt about what I need from love is that words are empty without actions and it’s true what they say about actions speaking louder than words. Mr F and I still haven’t verbalised our feelings with any form of ‘I love you’ and I’ve never asked him why and I don’t feel the need to discuss it all honestly. The reason being is that I feel loved, cared for and cherished in ways I never have before, including in relationships where ‘I love you’ was said often.
I have been in more than one relationship where partners said a lot of stuff but without the actions to back it up I just ended up seeing their declarations as pointless, to the point where hearing them say certain things would make me feel angry or as if the only suitable response was ‘whatever’. I can’t even begin to tell you how much that kind of situation has hurt me in the past and even when I’ve tried to discuss it with partners it’s as if they just didn’t get it and because they said things they assumed that was all it took for everything to be okay.
With Mr F he’s made very few declarations of his intentions towards me, he doesn’t make grand promises or seem to think I should be grateful just because he said a few key phrases. Instead, he does things that show me he cares. He takes time to be thoughtful, he proves to me that I matter to him, he doesn’t only do things if I ask him, he spends his time actively actioning how he clearly feels inside and as a result, I don’t need the words I just need him exactly as he is.
That said I don’t regret the times I loved people even though those relationships ended. I don’t even see those relationships as unsuccessful or unsatisfying. They worked for me at the time and they taught me a lot about myself. When Mr F and I started figuring our relationship out a lot of what I learnt from those relationships helped me to verbalise to Mr F what was and wasn’t important to me in our relationship, not only that, I was able to verbalise them without fear of losing him.
Too many times I have held my tongue for fear of how the other person would respond, with Mr F that was never the case, partly because I had this feeling deep down that things were working out exactly as they should and secondly because I realised that if someone leaves you, or responds poorly to you setting a boundary or asking for something that is important to you then they’re not the right fit for you at all.
I think love is amazing, especially as it comes in so many glorious forms and we can share it with many different people, in many different ways and yet still it never seems to lose its lustre. On its own, I don’t think love is always enough, I decided a long time ago to stop searching for love and instead focus on finding lust fuelled adventures. In Mr F I am convinced I have found both the perfect lover and the perfect love, but neither would have been discovered if I hadn’t become utterly consumed by thoughts of fucking him.
Which leads me to believe that love does indeed work in mysterious ways and because of that one person’s approach to love will not necessarily work for anyone else. I think that deep down I’ve always known what I was searching for and I am pleased I never stopped looking even when others said I should, even when I was told to be grateful for what I had and to stop rocking the boat. I am so glad I ignored other people and kept on making decisions that I felt were leading me in the right direction.
No matter how you love, who you love, how many you love or what you believe about love, I hope you are also doing it your own way and not letting other people hold you back from what could just be the love you have always been destined for.